In This Life

by Christine Brae

  “ANNIE? CAN I come in?”

  Mikey knocked softly on my door, seeking permission to enter as I lay in bed wallowing in self-pity. I didn’t know where they were, didn’t care what happened next. I abandoned them in my outrage while they stood motionless and defenseless.

  “Sure,” I answered, bundling up the pile of Kleenex on the floor. I propped my pillows against the headboard and straightened up in an attempt to show my little brother some composure.

  He tiptoed in quietly and sat next to me on the side of my bed. I pulled him in for an embrace and rested my head on his shoulder for a few seconds before allowing him to lift his head up and take my hands in his.

  “I’m sorry for ruining our holiday. I’ll make it up to you tomorrow. Let’s go to the mall. Let me get you those basketball shoes you’ve been wanting,” I rambled in apology.

  He smiled at me. That sweet, loving face; he didn’t deserve to see me like this. He’d been through so much already.

  “You don’t have to. I have enough shoes,” he said. “I just want you to be okay.”

  “I will be.”

  “So that’s the guy, huh? The one from Thailand?”

  “Yeah, that’s the guy.”

  “I’m sorry, Annie. I didn’t know that you’d been suffering all this time.”

  “No, no. I haven’t been. That was so long ago. I was just shocked this morning, that’s all. I’ll get over it. I always do, don’t I?” I tried to add some levity to my tone.

  “You do.” He paused for a second and then his lips began to quiver. “I worry about you, Annie. I don’t think you’ve gotten over losing Mom yet.”

  “None of us will ever get over that, Mikey. Have you?”

  He kept his eyes glued to the view from the window, trying with all his might not to let me see him cry. “I miss her so much. If she were here, I know that you wouldn’t be carrying all this on your own. The way that you’ve been taking care of me. It’s not fair that you have to take me on, too.”

  “Oh! No, baby! No. I love taking care of you! You’re the reason why I’ve been able to get through this! And I will always want to look after you. I love you so much. I’m so lucky that I have you in my life. Don’t say that, Mikey. All you need to do is study hard and do well in school. That will be my greatest gift. Your success in life.”

  He smeared his hand across his face and sniffed. “Thank you for everything, Annie. I love you, too. Dudes aren’t worth crying about. You can get anyone you want. Look at the way Dante is crazy about you. He tells me every single day.” He crossed his eyes in jest. “It gets kind of annoying to see someone so whipped like that.”

  I broke out in a peal of laughter. “Whipped, huh?” I pushed him off the bed playfully. “I don’t think a guy like Dante can ever love a girl more than he loves himself.”

  “He said that was before he loved you.” The statement warmed my heart.

  “Is he here?” I asked as I slid to the opposite side of the bed to stand up. I walked to the bathroom sink and started to rinse off my face.

  “Yup. He’s watching some Bollywood movie on Netflix. Something about some girl and a Mr. Darcy.”

  “Ah! Bride and Prejudice. He’s watching it without me?” I called out to him while brushing my teeth. “Can you ask him to come in here?” I smoothed my hair in the mirror and wiped my face dry with a towel.

  “Sure. Goodnight, Annie. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “Night, Mike!” I yelled from the bathroom. “Thanks for checking on me!”

  “Spark?” Dante entered the room shyly, keeping his downcast eyes towards the floor.

  I switched off the bathroom light and settled on the chaise facing the window. The view of Manhattan from this place never ceased to impress me. I spent many nights looking out at the sky from here, wondering, wishing, and constantly convincing myself to enjoy what I had in Dante.

  “Hi. I’m okay now. Come sit next to me.”

  He hurried across the floor and took me in his arms. “I’m so sorry, baby. I didn’t want it to go down like this at all.”

  I leaned into him, accepting the warmth of his body. Whatever his reasons were, I wanted to know about them.

  “Tey, what did you think would happen if I found out? For five years, I blamed myself, wondered whether or not I had imagined what happened in Thailand. You watched me go through it and never said a word.” Tears started to form in my eyes. It still hurt to talk about the events of the last few years. “All you had to do was tell me.”

  “I know, and I’m so sorry. When I arrived back from Thailand, your life was unraveling at warp speed. I didn’t want to add to your stress and pain. When Grayson told me that he was going to pursue his religious vocation, I saw no point in hurting you even more. And you must know, a large part of it was because I wanted you all for myself. I waited so long, Spark. I waited so long to have you.”

  “But what you kept from me, Tey. I could’ve closed the door on him years ago.”

  “I know,” he said, his eyes still glued to his knees. “But through all these years, I’ve tried to make up for it. Tried to make you forget.”

  He was right. Our endless trips to every part of the world, his friendship, his loyalty.

  I turned to face him, gently resting my elbow on his shoulder. “You will always have me. We’ve been best friends for ten years. And I’m your wife.”

  “Married for only a year,” he interjected. “You’ve just now learned to love me, and he’s back to take you away.” He tipped his head upwards and stared at the ceiling. Focusing on anything but me.

  I laughed at that preposterous suggestion. “Yeah, right. At least not in this life.”

  “He’s not yet a priest,” Dante muttered under his breath.

  “What do you mean?” I asked, surprised.

  “He’s a deacon. He said something about it being the last step before taking the vow of priesthood. I knew he was assigned to assist at SPJ, and that’s why I told you not to attend mass there.”

  “Did you guys keep in touch a lot?”

  “No, not really a lot. He would text to check in on you once in a while. He knew where you were training and kept tabs on your progress in school through me. But that’s it. I would hear from him every few months, tops. I was sure that he’d already been inducted by now.”

  He watched for my reaction as he explained himself. I could see that he was relieved of this burden. Dante and I never held any secrets from each other, so this must have been really difficult for him. But that didn’t change the fact that I was angry at him. That my trust had waned albeit slightly. I needed space to figure things out. Seeing Jude brought back so many feelings, so many emotions. I no longer knew which side was up.

  “Tey? I have to tell you something. Mikey goes back to school on Monday. I’ve decided to stay by the hospital for a while, stay at the apartment close by. I really need to be in my own place and sort things out in my head. This whole thing, it’s really shaken me up.”

  “Are you…” He hesitated. “Are you leaving me?” He turned to face me, searching for my eyes.

  “I could never leave you, Tey. You’re the most important person in my life. But I want to love you the way you deserve to be loved. And so I think that being on our own for a while will be good for both of us.”

  “What about Mikey? Do you need help with his tuition for the semester?”

  I reached out my hand to caress this sweet man’s face. “No, baby. We’ll be fine. I’ve got a buyer for my mom’s car, and I’ll use that money for the rent on the apartment. Mikey’s school has a monthly plan that takes directly from my paycheck.”

  “You know, you’ll be richer than me once you finish residency, don’t you? You’ll be supporting me very soon,” he said, trying as always not to make me feel inadequate about my current financial situation.

  “Haha, right, Mr. Millionaire. Fat chance in hell.” I scooted my body so that my knees rested on his lap. He wrapped his arms around me.
>
  “What is it with you and hell lately?” he said with a laugh. “Everything is hell. Hell. Hell. Hell. What about heaven? What about goodness and light?”

  “I live that every day. With you,” I whispered, planting tiny kisses along the outline of his ear. I closed my eyes and savored the feel of his skin on my lips. He smelled heavenly. He was my blue sky. My sunshine. My light. I pulled his hand to my face and pressed it to my cheek. He leaned over to kiss me, and slowly, sensually, I kissed him back.

  “Will you fuck the hell out of me?” I taunted as I slipped my hands underneath his shirt.

  “The hell I will!” he snorted. And we both sank to the floor in a fit of giggles.

  I’D BEEN ON my own for two weeks. Dante hadn’t allowed me to take all my stuff and move it to my new place. He needed some assurance that I was coming back, so we compromised on leaving a few of my things in the spare room next to his.

  I returned to my one bedroom apartment in Pomona, about a thirty minute drive from the hospital. It was more than I could afford at my salary considering Mikey’s tuition obligations, but I truly believed that the time away would do us both some good.

  There were a handful of co-workers from the hospital who witnessed the incident at the church on Thanksgiving morning. Afihsa asked me about it one day in the middle of a staff meeting. The hushed whispers, the looks of pity that greeted me in the hallway, it all started to make sense after she confronted me about it.

  “Was that the guy?” she had asked. “You didn’t tell me it was serious.”

  “It wasn’t!” I barked. “It was ten days. It wasn’t.”

  Jude had deserved his shame, but in the end, this was my territory, and I was the one left holding the bag. Small world, great big coincidences.

  “Dr. Dillon, please report to the emergency room.”

  The hospital was abuzz with victims of a school bus accident. There were no casualties, but the five children who sat at the front of the bus were in critical condition. I ran in through the sliding doors just in time to catch a six-year-old boy bleeding from badly mangled legs being rushed in on a stretcher.

  “Dr. Stevens is waiting in ER7 to assess his injuries. Please wheel him in there now!” I ordered, clasping his hand and running alongside him. “What’s your name, little guy?” I asked calmly.

  “Tommy,” he cried. “I want my mommy! Where’s my mommy?”

  “Tommy,” I said “I’m going to get your mommy, okay? She’s here, waiting for you. But you have to promise me that you’re going to show her how brave you are. The doctors are going to make you all better.”

  “My legs hurt!” he screamed.

  “I know, I know, honey. But they’ll give you something to make the pain go away, okay? And I’ll be right back with your mommy.”

  He bobbed his head up and down. I released his hand and rushed to the waiting room to find his mother.

  “Doctor! My son! Where’s my Tommy?”

  I took the mother in my arms just as she was about to collapse. “Please, Mrs.…”

  She yelped and sobbed, holding on tightly to me. “Monroe.”

  “Mrs. Monroe, let me take you to your son. He’s awake and alert. We’re taking a look at his legs right now. We stopped the bleeding, and he’s going to be undergoing surgery immediately.”

  A nurse blocked us from proceeding any further. “Dr. Dillon, she doesn’t have any insurance.”

  The mother started to cry.

  “It doesn’t matter…” I searched for her name tag. “Melinda. Please let them know that I’ll fill out the paperwork later. I’ll handle the financial end with Dr. Stevens after the surgery. Let us through.”

  “This is the second time you’ve done this in one week.” She exhaled loudly as she stepped out of our way. But not before she flashed a smile and waved at someone in the waiting room. I didn’t care to see who she had decided to flirt with. I reunited Tommy with his mother. As I left the examination room, I saw that same nurse again and noticed just how pretty she was—a sultrier version of Maggie.

  “Your friend is out there again,” she said, lips puckered and eyes assessing me from head to toe. She looked like she was in on some mystifying secret, something I was expected to know but didn’t. I could hardly hear what she was saying. There were voices coming from all directions and it was hard to discern which was hers.

  “What? Who?”

  “Your friend Jude. He’s been here at least once a month for the past year or so. Looking for you, sitting out there and waiting.”

  The irony of it all. Waiting for me while I was waiting for him?

  I spun around and ran towards the waiting room, shoving my way through the faces of pain and tears and hopelessness to find the one person whose beauty shined a light on them all. And there he was, sitting at the very end of the line of metal chairs, his back against the wall, his face brightening up as soon as I came into view. He jumped up quickly, hands in his pockets, shoulders hollowed, desperate to conceal the slight upturn of his lips.

  “Hi. Anna,” he greeted me.

  “What are you doing here?” I barked. My emotions went from one end of the spectrum to the other. Anger, surprise, worry. “Are you sick? Is everything okay?” I asked.

  “Yes, yes. I’m fine. I have the day off so I thought I’d come and see you.”

  All of a sudden, I felt shy, conscious of the rat’s nest on my head, the ugly pink scrubs, and the smell of death on me. I also wanted to punch his face in. He had no right to be there. Not while Dante was out of town. Not while my head was still submerged in the ocean. “I’m working a twelve hour shift today. I’ve got so much to do.”

  “Oh,” he said, visibly disappointed, the rise and fall of his chest giving it away. Pink little blotches appeared on his naturally tanned face, eyes grazing over the name on my badge. It settled right on top of my heart like a fortress protecting it from invaders.

  It’s too late. I’m married now. Go away.

  “It’s a crazy day. I have to go and check on my patients.”

  “Go ahead. I have nothing better to do. I’ll wait,” he assured me. I ran over to join a group of doctors who were rushing in through the glass doors. “See you in a few hours!” he called after me.

  I didn’t really know how I felt about seeing him again. It was just too much for me. Too much. Too late.

  I DIDN’T GET reunited with my pile of hospital records until 9:30 that night. I spent two hours sitting with Tommy in recovery, and the surgery to reattach his partially severed leg was a success. I rushed through the files, hoping with all my heart that he hadn’t given up on his wait. Transcribing the diagnoses for the day took me well over thirty minutes to complete, and by the time I was ready to leave the hospital, it was a few minutes past ten. Things were happening too fast, the opportunity to process it all slipped through the hours, the minutes of that night. I made a conscious effort to stop momentarily to dial Dante’s phone number as I stood outside the hospital entrance.

  From a distance, I saw Jude sitting quietly on the sidewalk, a cardboard tray filled with food on the ground next to him. I turned around to focus on my phone call.

  “Hi.” Dante had picked up amidst the low murmur of conversations all around him.

  “Hey, just heading out of the hospital. I had a crazy day. School bus collision.”

  “Oh no. I’m so sorry to hear that. I’m still out with a client. We’re having dinner at Gibson.” I could tell he had moved to a quieter place as the background noise had died down significantly.

  “Jude came to see me today, late this morning. I had to work until an hour ago so I didn’t get to speak to him.”

  “How do you feel about that? Did he tell you want he wanted?” he asked, concerned.

  “Not yet,” I answered.

  “Yet? What does that mean?”

  “He’s waiting outside for me. I think we’re going to go for coffee or something,” I professed in all casualness.

  “Oh.” His tone cha
nged. There was a heaviness in the atmosphere around me. The black clouds of Thailand had followed me home.

  “It’s nothing. I just want to clear the air with him. I kind of acted like a lunatic that night. We can talk about this sensibly without all the drama that I caused a few weeks ago.” The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him. Although I had to admit, I wanted some answers from Jude.

  “Should I be worried? I know I agreed to give you some time, but does that involve seeing him?”

  “You have nothing to be worried about. I love you,” I said lightly, trying my best to cast his concerns away. The lilt in my voice gave away my farce. “If you want I can call you later when I get home and we can… FaceTime?” I whispered suggestively.

  He sounded excited. “I can’t wait. Call me later, okay?”

  “You got it.”

  WE SPRAWLED ON a park bench outside the hospital, sipping cappuccinos out of Starbucks cups and munching on sausage croissants. From the corner of my eye, I watched him watch me. This went on until we ran out of things to eat and drink.

  “You still look as beautiful as ever, but there’s something different about you,” he said. “You seem quieter, less enthusiastic than the girl I remember from years ago.”

  He smiled at me before straightening himself up and tucking his hands under his legs. I walked into this meeting with an escape plan, intent on saying goodbye. There were so many questions to ask him before then.

  “It’s been five years. We’re all older now, more accountable,” I answered with a colorless expression on my face. This wasn’t a casual coffee date between two friends who were just catching up on life. I needed to get my thoughts out knowing that I was the girl who always ran out of time. “Gray, how long have you been coming to the hospital?” I asked softly.

  He sighed deeply and looked away. “How did you know?” he asked, still staring straight into the abyss.

  “Pretty nurse Melinda told me. Apparently you two have become fast friends.”

  He didn’t appreciate my humor. He turned towards me, and there was nothing I could do to stop myself from staring at him as he spoke. How many women had he destroyed with that look?