In This Life

by Christine Brae

  “I am. I just want him to be happy.” She unscrewed the cap of her bottled water and took a sip. Those lips, the way she sipped that bottle with her eyes closed.

  “Oh, I got in trouble again today. I allowed treatment on another patient without confirming the extent of his insurance.”

  I shook my head, concerned. “Blue, maybe you shouldn’t put yourself out on the line like that.”

  “It’s nothing. They’re deducting it from my paycheck.” She took another bite of her sandwich.

  “But you can hardly afford it with all your expenses,” I said.

  She shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly. “I’m always going to do the right thing for these patients.”

  What a perfect opportunity to lean in and nuzzle her neck. “You smell so good,” I whispered.

  “Hmm,” she answered as she gently encouraged me by tenderly skimming her fingers on my face. “I smell like sausage.”

  “No you don’t,” I mumbled.

  “Deacon Grayson?” I shot up like a bullet in the air. I couldn’t believe how fast I got to my feet. “Deacon, is that you?”

  It was a young girl from the youth group. What was her name? Georgina. I pretended to look confused, acting like I didn’t know her. I was grateful for the cap on my head and the scarf that hid a part of my face.

  “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else,” she apologized. Anna sat silently, observing this exchange.

  I waved my hand in the air. “It’s okay,” I said before dropping back to the ground. There was pure dishonor on my face as I turned to look at Anna. Slowly and deliberately, she brought the sandwich to her mouth and took another bite. “I’m sorry about that,” I sputtered out, embarrassed.

  Another shrug of her shoulders. “No biggie.” And then an afterthought. “Are you ready to be seen with me?”

  “What a question. Of course, I am. It’s no one’s business,” I responded with tenacity. I drove the point home by grabbing her hand and holding it close to my face.

  “How much,” she said in a teasing voice, “how much do you want to bet that you aren’t ready? I bet you’ll deny me a few more times before all is said and done.” I didn’t sense any tension in her tone. She was speaking as if it was a known fact, a normal reaction.

  “Blue,” I said resolutely, “we’re together, and I’m proud to be with you.”

  “WHERE ARE WE meeting her again?” I asked as we weaved through a crowd of shoppers along Fifth Avenue. We had driven the four hours to the city to meet Maggie, who had asked to meet Anna for a day of wedding related errands. She was finally off for the weekend, and I had asked if I could tag along. The countdown was on, and I wanted to spend as much time with her as I could. I held her hand tightly as she stopped every once in a while to admire the window displays as we walked along the street.

  “Tiffany’s in half an hour,” she answered, her thoughts engrossed in something else. I could tell by the way that she walked confidently that she was comfortable in her skin, shopping on Fifth Avenue with the crowd of discriminating shoppers. “Can we stop in for a second?” she asked as she led me through the doors of Saks Fifth Avenue and headed straight to the area that held the designer women’s purses.

  The rest of that day went by without a hitch. Anna met Maggie at Tiffany’s and spent a few hours with her while I roamed Fifth Avenue on my own. I found solitude in one of the pews at Saint Patrick’s Cathedral one hour before the evening mass was about to begin.

  I strolled aimlessly up and down the aisle of statues and altars and votive candles, lighting as many as I could until I ran out of change. I prayed for many things; I prayed for my family and Anna’s family, and I lit a special candle for Leola. In a twisted way, I would never have gotten the chance to spend time with Anna if he hadn’t given her up. She would have stayed with him, made it work, and tried her best to forget about me.

  In the car on the drive home, I realized that I didn’t need to pray for peace. For the first time in five years, I was sure that I had it. I felt it all around me—in the touch of Anna’s hand as she rested it on my thigh throughout the long drive back, in her stories as she told me about the day she spent with Maggie, in the sound of her laughter as she teased me about passing gas in the car, and in the look on her face as I watched her with her eyes closed, fast asleep. I found my peace, and I was in a desperate bid to keep it. That’s what I should have prayed for. Let me keep my peace.

  “HI!”

  Anna walked into our apartment the next day just as I was putting the away the dishes in the sink. Peter staggered back into his bedroom as I made my way over to greet her. The boxes were gone, the mail had been put away, and the apartment now felt like home, all compliments of Anna. She’d been cleaning up around our place each time she paid me a visit. And it was only because she couldn’t sit still for very long. Our movie nights consisted of me camped on the couch while she moved around putting everything neatly back where it belonged.

  “Good morning, Peter,” she said. “I’m a little early.”

  “Early is good,” I assured her. “We should leave in half an hour.”

  Our place had now taken on a new look. Two framed street paintings were hung on the wall in the living room and a fluffy grey wool rug occupied the floor directly adjacent to the couch. She took her usual seat whenever she came over, a comfortable easy chair facing the aquarium.

  “You look beautiful.” I sat on my knees between her legs and kissed her. She wore a short black skirt that showed enough skin, tastefully paired with slim, high-heeled boots. She’d kept her hair down today and it framed her face perfectly. My fingers automatically moved to brush the glaring pink birthmark on her thigh. There we were again, kissing like there was no tomorrow. Kissing and kissing and kissing. That was all we did, and I could have made a lifetime career out of it.

  “Are you sure? I know you said casual, but it’s been a little nerve wracking, figuring out what to wear to meet your family.”

  I tilted her face towards mine and kissed her in response.

  “Merle looks sick,” she interrupted, pointing to the male seahorse who seemed suspended in the water.

  “No, I think he’s asleep.”

  “Pearl’s just too much for him. Look at her.” She laughed as the female seahorse flitted in and out of the coral.

  “I know. I get exhausted just watching her. Like a spitfire,” I said, looking at her pointedly.

  “Uh-huh.” She gave me a peck on the cheek. “Go get dressed. I’ll be right here waiting.”

  “WHOSE CAR IS this?” she asked as we walked to the parking garage across the street one hour later than planned and got into a silver 2010 Range Rover. Peter had bailed out of this trip, claiming a hangover. “Where’s the jeep?”

  “It’s Pete’s,” I answered, afraid to look into her eyes. “This drives much better so he offered it to me today.”

  Minutes later, we were cruising comfortably along I-95, heading north towards Scarsdale, listening to the steady sound of the windshield wipers swishing back and forth as the snow fell quietly all around us. Anna began to interrogate me about my family. You could tell that she was nervous. I, too, was quite apprehensive. So far, I’d managed to speak openly about her only to Father Scott and Uncle Ralph. I had yet to gauge my father’s response to meeting her. Today would confirm to the world that she was a part of my life.

  “Does your family drive exaggeratedly big bad cars or is this a personal choice of yours?” she asked with a wide smile, running her fingers up and down my arms. “I know for a fact that you’re not trying to over compensate.” She giggled.

  “First of all, a Rover is not big and bad. It’s a cool, safe car,” I answered. She laughed hysterically at my comment. It was a forced, agitated kind of laugh.

  “What do you think they’ll ask me first? ‘Is it true you’re a married woman? Are you trying to send our son to hell?’” She was definitely entering into a state of panic. I placed my hand on her thigh which was
shaking up and down. “They know you’re going back, right?”

  They certainly assumed that. I was the one who was no longer sure.

  I steered the car to the side of the road and slowed down to a halt. Parking on a snow filled bank on a two lane road in the middle of a forest preserve wasn’t the smartest thing to do in the middle of a snowstorm. But I wanted to hold her, assure that it would all be fine.

  “Baby,” I whispered, reaching out to touch her face, “if you want to turn back, we can. If you don’t feel right about this, we can cancel and just go home.”

  She leaned her body over the middle console and kissed me on the cheek. “It’s okay,” she affirmed. “I’ll be fine. Let’s drive on. Today will be a day of questions and I’m just going to take them as they come.” She slipped herself back to her original position and announced without any resentment in her voice, “Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to close my eyes and rest for a few minutes.”

  “BLUE, WE’RE HERE.” I roused her gently as we pulled up to the black gates along a brick paved driveway that led to my parents’ home. I watched as she opened her eyes to find the sprawling brick Georgian colonial in front of her. She didn’t look surprised at all as she straightened up her clothes and slipped off her seatbelt. I rounded the fountain in the middle of the driveway and parked by the side of the house.

  “You have a beautiful home,” she said as she stepped out of the car and retrieved the gifts that she had brought for my parents.

  “Thank you. We had many happy times growing up here.”

  “Jude!” My sister Katie came running outside to meet us.

  “Hi, I’m Anna Dillon,” she said as she extended her hand out to my sister.

  Katie looked at me and then at Anna. “Oh, yes! Hi, I’m Katie.” She quickly regained her composure and warmly shook Anna’s hand.

  At this point, I knew Anna realized I had not warned my family that she was coming to dinner with me. She glanced at me but stood unfazed, like a champ.

  “Don’t say it,” I cut Katie short as she was about to open her mouth.

  She pulled me to her and said in my ear, “I’m going to. I have to. How? How did you get someone as hot as that?” she whispered.

  I gave her a smug look and walked away. “Who’s here?” I asked as we headed towards the front door.

  “Everyone.”

  Great.

  Anna was relaxed and confident as we entered the house. In fact, she made an effort to stay by Katie and I knew she was trying to give me space.

  “Mãe, your favorite is home!” Katie called out jokingly.

  My mother and father emerged from the living room, holding hands.

  “Hi Mãe, Dad.” I greeted them with a kiss. “This is my friend, Dr. Anna Dillon. Anna, these are my parents, Milagros and Pat.”

  She stepped forward and embraced each of them before handing my mother the bouquet of orchids and my father the bottle of champagne.

  “What a pleasure to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Grayson. You have a beautiful home.” Eight-thousand five-hundred square feet of meticulously designed rooms and high-end furniture. My father had migrated from Ireland and successfully broke into the real estate market.

  “The pleasure is ours, Dr. Dillon. Please make yourself at home.”

  “Please call me Anna,” she offered graciously.

  “Jude! You’re back!” I would know that voice anywhere. My baby brother, Max, was the most beautiful creature on this planet. His upward slanting eyes, small facial features, tiny hands and feet—he was the most perfect imperfection ever created. My mother had him after she had been trying for a few years. He was a Down’s syndrome baby.

  “Maxie boy, get over here!” I yelled. He jumped into my arms, this skinny little boy who was small for his age. “This is my friend, Anna,” I said.

  She didn’t flinch. In fact, she had the warmest, most accepting smile I had ever seen. “Hi, Max. It’s so nice to meet you.”

  “Oh no, Jude, deacons shouldn’t be having girlfriends!” he said worriedly.

  Anna handled it expertly, and her sweet, reassuring voice filled my ears. “Oh, don’t worry, Max. I’m just his friend. You’re absolutely right! Deacons shouldn’t have girlfriends. Come on, can you show me around? You all have a beautiful house over here.” Arm in arm, they walked away.

  My brother and my girlfriend. My girlfriend.

  Dinner was served three hours after we arrived, and Anna’s introduction to the family was long and laborious. She affably greeted each and every one of them. Katie’s husband, Matthew, and their two children. My sister Mary and her new boyfriend, Sean. My twin brother and sister, Joe and Peg, and seven of their friends from school. My sister Erin and my uncle Ralph.

  Yes, Uncle Ralph was there. After the conversation we had in my apartment, I was sure that he would be there to check Anna out.

  “So, Anna, how did you meet my brother?” Mary asked, passing the bowl of bread to my mother who sat next to her.

  “We actually met in Thailand five years ago. I was on a medical mission, and he was on sabbatical,” Anna answered with a smile.

  “That explains it,” Katie said, turning her head to look directly at me.

  I met her stare with one of my own. “Explains what?”

  “Never mind. Later. Offline,” she responded, directing her words into her glass of water.

  My dear mother, oblivious to whatever it was that was going on, began her own side conversation. “Anna, you are working where?”

  “Mila, she’s a doctor,” my dad gently reminded her.

  Max and Anna were enamored with each other. After dinner, he took her to the pool house to show her his paintings while I remained at the dinner table with the rest of my family. My mother paced back and forth from the cupboard to the counter, setting aside some food for me to take home.

  “Meu, did you want a little of each? The coxinha and the feijoada too?” My mother had raised us in her Brazilian culture, and she felt right at home with the extended familial ties that my father’s Irish family had brought into her life. She loved to entertain, loved life, and loved her children and her husband with all of her heart.

  “Yes, Mãe, I’ll take anything you can spare. It will save me from having to eat Taco Bell every day.”

  “She’s beautiful, Jude,” Katie boldly stepped in and addressed what was on everyone’s mind. They nodded their heads in agreement.

  “And classy,” Erin said.

  “Yeah, remember the girls that Jude used to take home when he was in high school? Blech! This one is clearly unimpressed by you for once.”

  I threw a napkin at Mary. She flung it back at me and missed.

  “When are you going back, Jude?” Uncle Ralph asked.

  “Thirty-three days,” I answered.

  “Are you even going back?” Katie asked. She was a traitor. What was she doing?

  “What do you mean?” I asked irritably, gesturing at her with my hands.

  “Was there ever a plan not to go back? What is going on?” My mother took a seat at the table, turning her head to look at my father, who placed his hand on hers.

  “Mãe, that’s the girl from Thailand! The one he’s been crazy about! This started five years ago!”

  “Katie!” I yelled. “What are you doing?”

  I looked at Mary and begged her with my eyes to excuse herself. I motioned her with the tip of my head to take Erin as well. I didn’t want to embarrass Mary in front of her date. Katie, Uncle Ralph, and my mom and dad were left at the table, and I was shocked that my father had not yet weighed in.

  “Katie. Why?” I asked.

  “Jude, I’ve seen the way you’ve been looking at her all night. You’re in love with this girl. I don’t want you to be miserable. You don’t have to go back.”

  “I don’t know yet,” I argued. I felt the heat of their stares on my face. They tried to assess my expressions, tried to read my heart.

  My mother looked at me sadly then spoke
her words. “Meu, you can serve God in many different ways.”

  “It’s not that easy,” I said.

  “What, meu, what’s not easy? Doesn’t she love you? She is here in our home,” she said, placing her hand on my arm.

  “This is the only life I’ve known. I couldn’t take it if she left me. She’s my only connection to a life outside the priesthood.”

  “Does she love you? Is she committed to staying with you?” Katie again.

  “I don’t know. We haven’t really talked about it,” I said sharply. And then I corrected myself. “About the future, I mean.”

  “She’s married,” Katie revealed, searching the room for a reaction. My mother bowed her head to avoid my eyes. My father pulled her closer to him. She looked up at him and for a quick second, I saw them communicate with their eyes.

  “Separated,” I defended. “They’re separated.”

  “Have you thought about an alternate future, son? What would you do if you decided to pursue a life outside of the—”

  My dad finally decided to say something and I cut him short.

  “Not, really. No. I haven’t.”

  “I would love for you to join the business. Take over for me after I retire, carry on the name we’ve built for ourselves,” he offered warmly. There was a simultaneous nodding of heads around the room. I felt sidelined, filled with apprehension that I would fail at achieving the hopes and dreams he had for me.

  “I’m not a businessman, dad.”

  “Anyone can learn the business. That’s what I’m here for,” he defended. “Everything you need is set. There’s no need to start all over.”

  How could I make him understand that having Anna in my life didn’t mean that I had wavered in my commitment to serving God? My father had always taught me to be honest, to stand up for my conviction. This was the time to make him see that he taught me well. I walked over to my father, knelt down on the floor and held his hands in mine. “Dad, please forgive me for saying this. I still want to serve God in His church as a layman. That plan hasn’t changed for me.”