Darker Water

by Lauren Stewart

  Chapter 37 - Laney

  I left for my shop late, determined to spend all night there if I had to. If I worked for someone else, I’d have been fired weeks ago. On the flip side, if things didn’t get finished on time it would be solely my fault. And blowing my first art gig that Carson worked moderately hard to get for me would be beyond stupid.

  My footsteps faltered when I saw Kevin leaning against the shop’s roll-up door. How long had he been waiting? And why?

  “What are you doing here?” I called without slowing down. Once he realized he couldn’t push me around like he used to, he’d leave me alone.

  “I wanted to smooth things out. I think we both got a little testy the last time we saw each other.”

  “I’m pretty sure that was just you, actually.”

  “Okay, I’ll accept that. I shouldn’t have said that stuff about that guy. He’s Carson Bennett, isn’t he?” I didn’t respond. The last time I’d answered one of Kevin’s leading questions, he’d thrown it back in my face. “Fine, don’t tell me. I know he is.”

  “Then why did you ask?” I snapped, before I could stop myself. The more I said to him, the longer he’d stay.

  “Because no matter what happens between you and me, I want you to be happy, and I don’t think Carson Bennett can make that happen.”

  I wasn’t sure what bothered me most—that Kevin had made the effort to find out who Carson was, that he still didn’t understand that nothing was going to happen between him and me, or that he presumed to know what could make me happy.

  “Remember all those months when we didn’t speak to each other or try to run each other’s lives?” I walked around him, sorting through my keys. “I think we should go back to that.”

  He put his hand on my shoulder. “I loved you, Laney.”

  “No, you didn’t.”

  “I could have.”

  I laughed at something that would have crushed the old me. “No, you couldn’t have.” Because he would always think of me as the girl whose only goal in life was to marry a doctor and keep him happy. “You could never have treated me the way I deserve to be treated.”

  “Oh, and Bennett does?” he spat, yanking his hand away from me as if I’d be sad to see it go. “The guy who helped you figure out how you want to be fucked? How to give a great blowjob?”

  I groaned. What a dickhead. Maybe he was pissed because he thought Carson was now the recipient of all the subservience he used to enjoy.

  “Sure, he loves you, Laney. He loves how you give head and how you spread your legs.” Unbelievable. Kevin was used to getting what he wanted, but this was more than that. This was a spoiled brat wanting something that he’d thrown away months ago only because someone else had taken it out of the trash and fixed it.

  “If that’s the way you ‘deserve to be treated,’” he said, “then I’m in. I’ll even take turns with him, so he can have a couple nights off you during the week.”

  Wow. I looked at him, disgusted. This wasn’t the guy I’d known or been with. Even when he’d broken my heart, he hadn’t deliberately tried to be cruel.

  “Go away,” I said slowly. “And don’t come back.” I opened the shop door and went inside, but he stopped the door from closing. “I’m not listening to any more of your shit, Kevin. Go away!” I pushed against him, slowly realizing his anger wasn’t just manifesting in what he said. Even when I put my entire weight against the door, not caring if it cut off one of his fingers when it slammed, it didn’t budge.

  “I shouldn’t have said that. Damn it, Laney! Come on, I just want to talk.” He was stronger and angrier and more unpredictable than me. And each second I fought to shut the door made me more nervous.

  “You don’t understand, Laney. I want us to give it another try. We owe it to each other.”

  I didn’t owe him anything, but I didn’t want to argue. All I wanted was for him to leave me alone. “Kevin, enough. That’s enough.” If I let go for even a second, he’d be able to come inside, and then where would I go? “You need to leave now.”

  “Brittany was cheating on me,” he whined. “The whole time.”

  Why did he think I cared? “I’m sorry to hear that, but it’s not my fault. You’re starting to scare me, Kevin, and I know you don’t want to do that. So you need to let go of the door and walk away.”

  “She was cheating on me while I was cheating on you. When we got married, I stopped but she didn’t.”

  “Let go of the door.”

  “And then I realized what I’d done to you. How I made you feel, and it’s not okay. It’s not okay, Laney. I’m not that kind of person. I was… I don’t know… I was confused, and Brittany screwed with my head.” So it was Brittany’s fault now. “I want to make it right. I screwed up and now I want to make it right. I didn’t know what I had when I was with you. Laney, you’re the only one I have. Please, talk to me.”

  He was delusional if he thought he ‘had’ me. And he was insane if he thought I was going to let him into my shop to talk about it.

  “I can do better. I can be better. Better than Bennett. I’ll treat you so much better than he does. One more chance, Laney. Please.”

  “Kevin, leave me alone!”

  “Goddamn it, Laney! Just give me a fucking chance!” There was no more apology in his tone, no desire to redeem himself in my eyes or in his own.

  “Go—” The door slammed into my face and sent me tumbling onto my back, my head smacking on the cement floor. Disoriented, I saw him come inside, reach down, and haul me up to my feet.

  “Damn it. You’re bleeding, Laney. Your nose. Shit, are you okay?”

  Everything was so blurry, so confusing. I started crying because I didn’t know what to do to make my nose and head stop hurting so much and make him go away. I didn’t know… Oh god. I couldn’t find my balance, so how was I supposed to protect myself? I shouldn’t have had to. I didn’t do anything wrong.

  “That wasn’t my fault,” he said. “You know that, right? All I wanted was a chance to talk to you. If you hadn’t been right behind the door, it wouldn’t have hit you. I didn’t—”

  “Kevin, you can’t do this. I can’t concentrate right now. Please, just leave.” As my eyes refocused, tears dripped off my chin and onto my shirt. They were red. I needed help, but not his. “Go away.”

  “Stop crying. You’re fine. It’s not broken. Let me see it.” He wiped my face, only causing more pain because he wasn’t careful—he was desperate and cruel, as if he could wipe away what he’d done if he got rid of my tears. “Quit fighting me, so I can look at it.”

  I swiped at his hands and pushed at his chest, and it did nothing. It didn’t stop his hands or the asinine words coming out of his mouth that had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. He caught both my hands with one of his and held them to keep me still. When I turned my head, he yanked me frontwards again and I cried out.

  “It’s not that bad. Shut up for a second and stay still.”

  Maybe it would be better if I just let him check it out. “Then you’ll leave?”

  “No, we need to talk.”

  How did he not understand that I didn’t want to talk to him or see him or let him touch me? Did it matter? I relaxed and nodded slightly.

  As soon as he released my hands, I ran. If I kept some furniture between us, he wouldn’t be able to reach me.

  I wasn’t even fast enough to get over the first coffee table. He caught me by the back of my shirt and hauled me backwards. As I fell off the table, I heard the rip of fabric and felt it give as it tore off my body.

  “Let’s start over.” He righted me and spun me towards him, his hands now locked onto my biceps. “Okay? We’ll get you all cleaned up and then sit down to clear things up.”

  “No!”

  “Jesus, Laney! Calm down! I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.” I was a distraction or an outlet to him, not a person, not a person he claimed he could love. I was a person he could use and hurt and then walk
away from…again. All things he’d accomplished in the last three minutes, except the walking away part. The one part I really wanted him to do.

  “Leave me alone!” I pushed him away from me the best I could, ignoring the tearing sounds, the fact that my shirt was almost completely shredded now. He adjusted his grip, hanging onto the waistband of my pants. “Stop! Please, stop!”

  Chapter 38 - Carson

  When I turned the corner, I saw the door to Lane’s shop open. She was way too smart to leave that door open. My heart did that half-jump thing it does when it knows something your brain hasn’t figured out yet. I broke into a jog, pretty sure I was completely overreacting.

  Then I heard her yell, “Stop!”

  Adrenaline lengthened my strides, preparing me to fight.

  Whatever made her scream like that was going to die.

  I only saw the guy’s back at first, but I heard her crying. I pulled the bastard off her and flung him onto the floor, spending half a second, tops, looking at the asshole before I turned to make sure Lane was alright. Her fucking shirt was hanging off her, only attached by a strip of fabric going around her waist.

  The fucker was going to wish his balls had never dropped.

  But as soon as I saw Lane’s face—blood covering her nose, running onto her lips, drips of it on her chest, I—

  “He fucking hit you?”

  Her expression changed, grew even more shocked. She shook her head and reached out for me. She knew before I did.

  I’d just lost every bit of control I’d ever had. As if a switch had turned on, the dial had been cranked all the way up, and there was no coming down. I spun towards the motherfucker who’d done it—made her hurt and cry and scream.

  His turn now.

  “Wait, Carson!”

  Her ex, the fucking toad, was slowly climbing to his feet, until his face was just high enough for me to put my knee into. Then the asshole wasn’t standing anymore. He was bleeding, holding his nose, cursing. But I couldn’t stop there. The fucker had hurt her and that was bad enough. But that he’d come back and hurt her again, this way, was something I couldn’t let slide. Even if I could have stopped myself.

  “She loved you, asshole!” I kicked him, sending him sprawling backwards, skidding on the cement. I wasn’t done. “She loved you, and this is how you pay her back for it?” Shit started pouring out of my mouth so fast, my brain couldn’t keep up. My fists couldn’t keep up. “Why’d you come back? Because she might have had enough time to get over you? She might actually be happy or have found someone who would treat her like she should be treated?”

  Everything faded except my enemy and my fists, occasionally my boot, as if they didn’t exist until they were in contact with his body. “Someone who actually understands how amazing she is? What the fuck is wrong with you? She’s not weak, and she’s not going to take your shit. I’m not going to let her.”

  I didn’t even see his face anymore—it had blurred out a few seconds ago. Fifteen years gone as if they’d never passed. I was gone. I was nothing but rage and violence. The emotional and physical feeding off one another, combining into something I couldn’t control. Didn’t want to control. I wanted to hurt, to punish, to make him stop.

  This time I could. I was strong enough and brave enough now—I could make him stop hurting her and me and Hayden. “We don’t need you.” We could leave him and not come back. We could be like everyone else. Be a family. I could be normal. Not afraid of him or myself anymore. I—

  In the distance, someone screamed, pulled on a body that didn’t feel like mine anymore.

  “I’m not done with him yet,” I growled. I couldn’t stop until I’d made sure this bastard never hurt any of us again. I felt another tug as somebody tried to drag me away. “I’m not done!” I spun and open-handed the person to get them to back off.

  They fell onto one of the tables littering the place, and I heard my name. “He’s not your dad, Carson. I’m not your enemy. Please, just stop.”

  And then reality returned. And she came into focus. Crying, holding the side of her face.

  Where I’d hit her.

  I fell backwards onto my ass and scrambled away from her, knowing she wasn’t cowering from Kevin, she was cowering from me.

  “Lane.” Her name emptied my lungs of air, and I wished they wouldn’t fill again. So I would be punished for what I’d done and who I was and what I was capable of. But they did fill, and my heart kept beating, and I lived. Even though I shouldn’t.

  Chapter 39 - Laney

  I touched my cheek where Carson had hit me, but my mind wasn’t on that or the pain or how much I was bleeding. Everything just out of my vision seemed to be moving faster than what I was looking at. Who I was looking at.

  “Carson,” I whispered.

  A screeching noise redirected my attention. Kevin climbed to his feet slowly, knocking over a desk, one hand putting pressure on his ribcage. His face was a bloody mess. He staggered towards the door and then turned to look at me with nothing but venom in his eyes. “I hope you’re not with him for his money, Laney. Because that’s all going to be gone soon.” The voice I used to be in love with was now ugly and nasal. I hoped like fuck that his nose was broken, and he’d speak like that for the rest of his life.

  “When did you turn into such an asshole?” I shouted, stepping between him and Carson. “This was all your fault.”

  He craned his neck to look at Carson behind me. “You should find out more about the people you’re fucking. This isn’t the first time Bennett has beaten someone for no reason. I saw the guy he fought, set some of his bones. Bennett’s people paid him so he wouldn’t go to the cops.” He spit out blood and wiped his lip.

  I didn’t know what he was talking about, but it made sense, explained a few of the things Carson had said. I didn’t care, though. Carson wouldn’t hurt anyone without a damn good reason. Asking him would have to wait, though, because I couldn’t turn my back on Kevin.

  “How much do you think he’s worth?” Kevin asked. He talked about Carson as if he wasn’t there. As if he meant nothing. “Since this is the second time he’s done this, I should get double what the other guy got, don’t you think? Bennett is pretty important, right? Helps sick kids or some bullshit like that. Great. Now he gets to help me.”

  “Don’t start anything, Kevin.”

  “It started the second he touched me.”

  “You have just as much to lose as he does.”

  “I have nothing to lose, Laney. Nothing.”

  Everyone has something to lose. The question is what you’ll do to keep it.

  As he turned, he shoved a chair sideways, breaking it and a few other pieces I’d been working on. He didn’t say anything as he left, leaving me with Carson.

  At least, it looked like Carson. He had his arms wrapped tightly around his knees, curled into himself, his head low. He was looking at me but I wasn’t sure if he could even see through all the water welling in his eyes.

  I was afraid to touch him, afraid even my fingertips would shatter him. We stared at each other in silence for a while, long enough for my heartbeat and breath to slow down. I don’t think his did at all.

  “Carson?” I moved slowly, talking to him. “I’m fine. I’m okay now.”

  He flinched when I reached out to him but I didn’t stop until I was right in front of him.

  “It’s okay,” I whispered, running my hand across his face. I pulled my hand away when he grimaced. I knew his reaction wasn’t just about me or even mostly about me. This was years of pent-up fear coming to the surface because of one accidental slap. Kevin had hurt me far more than Carson did, but Carson was the one paying for it, maybe for everything.

  “Carson, what should I do?”

  He met my eyes and spoke slowly. “Run.”

  “Well…” I swallowed. “I’m not going to do that. So what else can I do?”

  “Stop loving me.”

  I inhaled sharply. The word neither one of us ha
d ever used, the admission I was too afraid to make, spoken in the worst possible moment.

  “I told you…” he said. “ I told you I would hurt you. Now do you believe me?”

  “No. It was an accident. I don’t—”

  “It doesn’t matter if it was an accident or not. It happened. Because I couldn’t control myself.” His voice dropped to almost a whimper. “I couldn’t stop it from happening, Lane. I tried so hard, but I couldn’t stop it. I’m sorry.”

  “There’s no reason to be.”

  He pushed away from me and stood, clearing his throat. “The reason never matters. Excuses never matter. What happens does. And what happened is that I hit you. I hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you.”

  I didn’t know what to say, knowing that anything I said would be wrong—emotions were running too high for an actual conversation. Yes, he’d hurt me. And he’d saved me. How did he miss that part?

  It was an accident. Heat of the moment, eyes seeing nothing but red. The stuff he was shouting wasn’t about me or even Kevin. He’d been somewhere completely different until the moment he’d started seeing again, the moment he’d realized it was me.

  He went into the storage area. I followed part of the way but stopped in the hallway, hearing him open the mini-fridge and slam drawers and mumble to himself. I leaned against the wall and tilted my head back.

  He jolted to a stop when he came barreling into the hallway, almost running into me. He held a plastic garbage bag of ice and a clean rag. “Don’t put your head back—you’ll swallow the blood.” He came close, checking my face, gently touching me, caressing my jaw.

  “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered.

  “I seriously doubt that.” My voice sounded different, changed by damage that was all Kevin’s fault.

  “I wasn’t talking about the way you look.” He cleared his throat, stood straighter. “But you’ll be beautiful that way too, once the swelling goes down.” His tone was timid, lifeless—so unlike Carson. “You’re going to bruise a lot, but I don’t think your nose is broken. Lean forward a little. It’s going to hurt but you need to pinch it to make it stop bleeding.”