Darker Water

by Lauren Stewart

  I expected Renee to respond with an equal amount of anger or intensity, but she seemed to have sunk into herself, become smaller, less of a presence. Maybe this was the real Renee—the one not hiding behind image and position, the one who’d taken the abuse as if she’d earned it.

  “Men can be charismatic.” She started removing her rings one by one, placing them onto the coffee table. “They can tell you it will never happen again, and how sorry they are, in a way that makes it impossible to doubt.”

  My mind flashed to a moment with Carson, when he told me he didn’t believe in apologies. This was why—because he’d seen how little they often meant.

  “Every argument has two sides.” She reached into the drawer next to her and took out a small bottle of expensive hand lotion. “So it’s easy to believe you’re as much at fault as he is. Maybe entirely at fault, because you pushed him too hard or because he feels so much passion towards you that it makes him unable to think. You want to believe it’s true. You want to believe that he loves you so much, he has to fight to control himself. Because those things make you feel desired and loved. They make you feel powerful, even when you know it will only last a moment.”

  I grabbed a box of tissues from a side table and dropped them onto the coffee table between us, but I didn’t think Renee would need one. The calm and tragic way she talked about something horrible was something I’d never seen before. Grief and vulnerability held in check by acceptance.

  “Do you know how many people I’ve spoken to openly about this, Laney? None. Ever. Not even Carson. But I love him, and I believe you love him, as well. So you asked why I’m not getting married.” She took a deep breath. “Because until that day in the restaurant, Carson and I had never spoken about his father or the other men. So I’d been able to convince myself that the only person I’d hurt was myself and that my son had no right to be angry at me. Not after I’d gone through so much to make sure he’d have the future he deserved.

  “After you both left, I went back to the table and picked up my champagne for another toast. For the first time in my life, it was too difficult for me to pretend. I couldn’t stop seeing the fear in his eyes, the disappointment in his voice. To know I disappointed my child, hurt him, was worse than anything his father could have ever done to me.”

  She covered her mouth with her hand for a minute. “I took the first flight back here. When I told my fiancé what Carson had said and how hurt I was, he agreed that I had every right to be upset. Then I told him I couldn’t marry him if things continued as they were. Instead of agreeing, he slapped me. And then he struck me again and I realized it didn’t matter what I said or did—he wanted to hurt me, and so he did. And until that moment, I had let him. Just like I had let my first husband hurt my children.”

  She looked down to her finger again and then opened and closed her hand. “The ring my fiancé had given me was too heavy for me to carry anymore, so I gave it back to him.”

  I nodded. “With a little time and rest, I’m sure your hand will be stronger than ever.”

  “I hope so.” I knew Renee had used up all her energy telling her story. To help me understand. I’m not sure how well it worked, though. I wasn’t her, I wasn’t there, and I was seriously biased when it came to her son. But I wasn’t the one she needed to convince.

  “If you never tell him, he’ll never know,” I said. “He’ll never understand.”

  “Carson has every right to hate me. I put him through so much, some of the worst things a man can ever do.” She lowered her eyes and took another breath. “If I knew how to take it all back, I would. But it’s too late. He doesn’t trust me, and rightfully so, because I’ve given him so many reasons not to. He would never listen to me.”

  “You stood in front of the man who beat you and told him the truth, so you can stand in front of your son and tell him the truth, too. Because Carson would never hurt you, and he still wants to love you because he’s amazing and kind and special and in an incredible amount of pain.”

  It took her a while to nod. “I’m glad he has you in his life, Laney.”

  “I’m not—” I wasn’t in his life anymore. “You can’t tell him it was my idea. Honestly, none of this has ever really been any of my business.”

  “Why not?”

  “It’s not what either of us wanted. Things just got a little confused for a while.” Actually I’d gotten confused and had dragged him into something he never wanted.

  “Then you should unconfuse them as soon as possible, don’t you think?”

  “Some things are the way they are for a reason.” I shrugged. “It’s better for both of us to move on.”

  Renee looked at me silently for another moment before she stood. “I suppose I should pack a bag, then. You’re welcome to stay until you need to go to the airport.”

  “Thanks, but I don’t get down here very often. I’m probably going to visit some old friends.” It was a lie, but a harmless one. I didn’t want to hang out with her, and she probably didn’t want to hang out with me.

  She walked me to the door. “When are you going back to San Francisco?”

  I didn’t answer. Instead, I wished her good luck.

  “Any advice?” she asked.

  “Um… Don’t give up even if he’s being stupid. He’ll try to change the subject when something hits too close, but don’t let him. And tell him—” I held up my hand. “Bye.”

  I left the housing community as fast as I could and pulled into the first parking lot I came to. Breathe. Just breathe. What I’d done was a good thing. I should be happy. It didn’t matter that Carson would be mad at me for butting into his life because he could be sure it would never happen again.

  After a while I’d be back to my old self, kind of. Maybe I’d be better. Probably not, but I couldn’t possibly keep crying this much, so that was something.

  I’d never be the person I used to be—pre or post frogs. Because real love isn’t as easy to get over as the pretend kind. Especially when you can’t be angry or blame the other person. Somehow, knowing it didn’t work out because some things never would was worse than being cheated on or lied to.

  I couldn’t blame Carson—he’d never promised me anything more than a good time. And he’d given me a ton of them. It was my own fault that I’d made it into something he hadn’t wanted and wasn’t capable of. He’d warned me. Repeatedly.

  He helped me figure out what I wanted. It wasn’t his fault that what I wanted was him.

  I spent the rest of the day driving around the city, trying to get a feel for where I’d want to live. That was a perk of my business and my art that I’d never thought about—I could do it from anywhere. It would do me good to shake things up. Hillary was probably going to move in with Eric soon, I could still show at the gallery even if I wasn’t in the city, and if I lived closer to San Diego, my parents would be thrilled. Career-wise, Los Angeles might actually be better for me. I could start over, make some new memories—less painful ones.

  My plane ticket back to S.F. was for Monday, so I had all weekend to explore and figure out what was next for me. No men, that was for damn sure. The last thing I needed was a reminder that my useless little brain couldn’t separate sex from love. Huge fail on that one, despite Carson’s heroic efforts.

  “Oh my god.” When reality hit me, it came from multiple directions.

  I’d always been so sure the physical and the emotional came as a package—sex and the delusion of love. But everything I’d believed was total bullshit. Everything.

  I could have sex without love. I’d always had sex without love. Because until now, I’d never actually been in love.

  And the man who’d done his best to convince me I could separate one from the other was the only one who’d ever helped me put them together.

  Chapter 44 – Carson

  “Hold the door for me, Carson.” Anna brushed past me, flicking her hair over her shoulder. She probably didn’t mean to smack me with it, but Anna has always
been capable of far more than she thinks she is.

  “I’m pretty sure I paid for your cell phone through this month. So why are you here?”

  “Because I was told to come by your smarter and hotter older brother,” she grumbled.

  “I’m way hotter than he is.” I’d give him smarter though. Well, normally I’d give him smarter, but not right now. Because I distinctly remembered telling him Anna didn’t need to be here for this. I didn’t want drama. I wanted this to be as pain-free as possible, and pain-free was an impossibility around both Anna and my mother, in a bunch of different ways.

  Hayden peeked out of the conference room. “The only two who don’t have somewhere else to be are the two holding everyone up. Do you mind?”

  Right, but I couldn’t help mouthing off as I headed for the room. “Not true, Hayden. Anna’s probably supposed to be getting a facial or hair thing done right now. Or was it a facial hair thing? I always forget.”

  I let Anna go in first—not because I was feeling polite, but because before I could move my feet, I had to remove my brother’s hand from my shirt.

  “Is there a problem?” I asked quietly.

  The board members were all standing, showing the kind of chivalry my stepsister only expected from men she barely knew.

  “You don’t have to do this,” Hayden said. “We can handle O’Leary, and nothing has to change.”

  “I have to change, bro. Me. I can’t pull anyone else down while I’m trying to figure out how.” I shook his hand off. “Wish me luck.”

  “It’s a bad idea, Carson.”

  “Then you shouldn’t be surprised I had it. Bad ideas are the only kind I have.” Damn it, my laugh sounded sadder than if I was actually crying.

  “What are you going to do after this? You think you’re unnecessary and that people only need your money, but you’re wrong. You get as much from this place as the families do.”

  “You’re right,” I whispered as I went inside the room. “That’s why I can’t fuck it up.” The truth—and something I tried not to think too much about because it was depressing as shit—was that I was never gonna have a normal family and I was never gonna have kids of my own. And this place, the families it helped, well…they were as close as I was ever going to get.

  “Wow,” I said to the crowd. “You’re all pretty intimidating for a bunch of rich white guys and my stepsister.” Anna seemed preoccupied with her phone. A few of the others grinned, but not for long. They didn’t know why I’d gotten everyone together, but they knew it wouldn’t be good news.

  Before I could inflate my balls enough to say what I needed to say, Hayden started talking.

  “We all know my brother’s proclivity towards screwing up, but what he is too stupid to understand is that he isn’t the only one. Nor does he understand that his current situation isn’t his screw-up.”

  “How about you let the rest of us know what’s going on?” Scott asked.

  “Yeah,” I said. “How about you let me know what’s going on, too? But give me a second—I’m still trying to figure out if that was a compliment or an insult.”

  “A bit of both, but I’d say it definitely leaned more towards an insult,” Hayden said before addressing the people he was nice to. “All Kevin O’Leary wants is Carson’s apology and a check. Unfortunately—”

  “Wait! Who are we talking about?” Anna asked, finally raising her head and feigning interest. Hayden sighed and quickly filled her in on what had happened while she’d been playing tackle football with an asshole, or whatever she did with her time nowadays.

  He talked and she listened without moving, not even her eyes.

  And fuck if I didn’t start thinking Hayden had slipped something in my coffee, because suddenly I couldn’t breathe. It had been years since I’d seen that look on Anna’s face, not since her dad left Renee, and I’d watched him drag Anna off like a suitcase, knowing what she was in for now that all her dad’s attention would be on her.

  Neither one of us had said anything back then. Neither one of us said anything now.

  When Hayden finally finished, Anna scooted back in her chair.

  Even though she spoke quietly and everyone else was practically yelling, her voice was the only one I heard. Because it was the most sincere I’d ever heard it. “So now you’re going to leave?”

  I shook my head. “Not leave, step down, so I can’t—”

  “Help those people. You can’t leave, Carson. They need you. I need you.” She bit her lip, tears welling in her eyes, completely ignoring everyone around us. “I am sorry.”

  Three words that could mean everything or nothing, depending on what was behind them. This time, they meant a shitload. Because I finally believed them.

  “For so many things,” she said. The others stopped speaking. “She’s really talented, you know… Laney, I mean. I told some of my friends and they all want something by her now. And I asked Third Street Gallery’s owner to take a look at her stuff. I can’t make him take her on, but after what I did to you…to her, I thought—”

  “Thanks. She deserves a shot at something great.”

  She nodded. “So do you.”

  “I had my shot at something more than great, and I blew it, multiple times. All I want to do now is keep everybody away from the wreckage.”

  “What does her ex want?” she asked.

  Hayden explained again, irritatedly, because he was repeating everything he’d said a few minutes ago when she hadn’t been listening. Until he got to Kevin’s threat.

  “He what?” she snapped.

  Hayden sighed. “He’ll claim that Carson attacked him and Laney out of jealousy, if Carson doesn’t—”

  She waved him off. Not a lot of people get away with waving Hayden Bennett off.

  “The rest doesn’t matter,” she said, shaking her head. I’d never seen her look so intent, so infuriated. “Nuh-uh. He doesn’t get paid for hurting Laney and then threatening to lie about it. We’re talking about Carson here. He would never hurt her. He would never hurt anyone. So that guy can go screw himself if he thinks any member of our fucked-up family is going to shut up and take it.”

  “We’re not rewarding him,” Hayden said. “We’re protecting the foundation, Anna. In the long term—”

  “Oh my god.” She turned back to me. “Carson, you of all people… No, you can’t do that. I won’t let you.”

  There was nothing funny about what she was saying, nothing at all, but I laughed anyway. I don’t know—stress, depression, relief that Anna might have finally woken up… It could’ve been a million different reasons.

  She went on, asking questions about which hospital Kevin worked in, which department. Then she excused herself to go make a phone call. I followed her into the lobby.

  “Hey,” I called. “If you’re going to do anything crazy or stupid, I want to know about it. As someone who’s had a lot more experience than you have, I may have some pointers.”

  “Do you know what I’m good at?” She didn’t let me respond, which was kind of her. Because I was still trying to think of an answer. “I can keep a secret. And a lot of people in this city have secrets, including one of the people in charge of UCSF’s medical residency program. It’s nothing terrible, but he definitely wouldn’t want it to get out.”

  I shook my head. “The whole point of me doing this is so other people aren’t involved and don’t get hurt.”

  “I would never break his confidence,” she said. “And I would never threaten him. He trusts me. So I’m sure he’d be happy to take me out for a drink and be agreeable to inviting Kevin along. Then, while enjoying an evening out with a friend, I will wink at the asshole who’s trying to mess with my family and continually mention my amazing stepbrother and the charitable foundation he runs.”

  “But you’re not planning to say anything that he could take as an outright threat?” Hayden asked, coming up behind me.

  “Of course not.” She rolled her eyes. “I’m a woman—our unsp
oken threats are ten times more intimidating than the spoken ones. You’re married, Hayden, you should already know that.” She turned and put her phone up to her ear.

  “I think Kevin’s going to regret screwing with our little stepsister, don’t you, Hayden?”

  “I think Kevin’s going to regret a lot of things really soon.”

  “Good.”

  I should’ve been happy. Or at least not so fucking depressing to be around. I’d expected the board to say, ‘Great, then get the hell out,’ when I told them I’d be taking a permanent sabbatical from the foundation. But I don’t think I said more than four words.

  My brother and my stepsister suddenly decided they cared about me, or some shit. I don’t know. I wish I’d been at the meeting Anna set up with her secretive friend and Kevin, though. I would have shoved money into the prick’s pockets myself if I could’ve seen his face when Anna winked at him. Who knew a frog would set off something in Anna, a good something, a healthy something, a non-retail-related something.

  So I should have been happy. But I wasn’t.

  I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. It wouldn’t be as pathetic if I was actually thinking about something instead of trying really hard not to. If I thought about anything other than how many beers were in the fridge or what game I was going to watch this weekend, other shit came with it. I couldn’t even look at the goddamn tile in the bathroom anymore. It was blue. Like her eyes. Like her toenails were painted one day when we took a bath together and—

  “Damn it!”

  In my entire life, I’d only cared about three women, and the one I was never going to see again was the one I couldn’t stop thinking about and wanting and missing. I’d had her for months, right in front of me. She wanted me, and I chickened out because I couldn’t let the other stuff go.