Slow Burn

by Janice Maynard

  “Josh said you went to visit him?”

  “I did. He looked old, Jake. Old and pitiful. But when I saw him, all that anger came back, and it scared the hell out of me. He immediately criticized me for being a photographer. Same old crap. I asked about the stolen money. He said it was his. At that point, I knew he’d never change. I walked out. I won’t let him destroy me a second time.”

  “I’m really proud of you, you know. You’re very good at what you do. Our father is an asshole. Josh and I went, too,” Jake said slowly, remembering and sorting through his own emotions. “Actually, we were summoned. But when we got there, the old man apparently changed his mind. Sent us away.”

  “What a bastard. But then again, perhaps you were lucky. Did you really want to talk to him?”

  “Maybe. I don’t know. I became a man without a country because of him. Falling Brook was unbearable. I went on my graduation trip and just never came back. Because of him, I’ve lived my life in slow motion. Slow to forgive, slow to process my feelings. Slow to mend the rift with you and Joshua.”

  “And Nikki?”

  “Her most of all. I ran into her five years ago in Atlantic City. We had a...thing. But I let her slip through my fingers again. When Josh called and said Dad had been found, I took it as a sign that maybe it was time to deal with my own failures.”

  They sat there in silence. Although Jake couldn’t speak for Oliver, he suspected the two of them were juggling the same mishmash of regrets.

  Finally, Jake exhaled. “So, are there any women in your life?”

  Oliver’s broad grin caught Jake off guard. “As a matter of fact, there is a woman. Samantha. We just got engaged. And we’re expecting a baby.”

  “Well, hell, man. You buried the lead. Congratulations.” Jake envied the fact that his brother was clearly thrilled about fatherhood. Oliver wasn’t conflicted, like Jake.

  “Sammi is a firecracker. You’ll love her. She’s had a tough life, but she’s one of the strongest women I know.”

  “How did you meet?”

  Oliver ducked his head, his expression sheepish. “A one-night stand. But it turned into something more, really fast.”

  Jake winced inwardly. His one-night stand with Nikki was at the root of his troubles. Did he regret it? How could he? It was arguably the best night of his life. But he’d been terrified by what he felt for her after a decade of nothing. She had changed, grown up. Though he wouldn’t have thought it possible, she’d been even more intensely appealing than the teenage girl he had known all those years ago.

  The tsunami of feelings had swept him under, drowned him. And so he had run.

  Was he any better equipped to deal with her now?

  Since there were no clear answers to his current dilemma, he changed the subject. “I assume you’re going to the bachelor party tomorrow night?” One of Joshua’s friends had put together a fun evening in Atlantic City.

  “I’ll be there,” Oliver said. “It’s not every day a Lowell man gets married. How about you?”

  “Yep. I’m coming. Have you bought him any kind of gift?”

  “No. Damn. I’ll get something tomorrow.”

  “Well, here’s the thing. When I was in Paris earlier this fall, I stumbled on a small Matisse at auction. It’s a window scene from Morocco. I immediately thought of Joshua. You know how much he always loved Matisse. Of course, I had no idea Josh was going to get married soon, but when he told me, I had my assistant package the painting and send it to me. I should have it at the hotel tomorrow morning. I’d like to put your name and mine on the gift. You know, to acknowledge the fact that Josh is starting a new career, a new life. We left him to clean up the mess fifteen years ago. I know he didn’t have to do it, but he did. What do you think?”

  The words had tumbled out in a rush.

  Oliver nodded. “That’s perfect.”

  “Good. I want this gift to come from both of us. Together. I want to mend fences. To heal our family. We used to be the three Lowell brothers, unbreakable, unshakable. I’m sorry for my part in breaking us up. This is a gesture. A peace offering. Are you in?”

  “I’m in.”

  Oliver ran a hand through his hair, his profile stark as he stared out across the quarry. Jake felt the coals of guilt burn hotter. Oliver had been a teenager when Jake left. Jake had failed him. Had failed Joshua. And Nikki. And his mother.

  Could he ever do penance for his neglect? Sometimes he thought he’d simply been too lazy to look for a reason to return home. The truth was...he’d been scared. Scared that the people he loved would judge him. Or turn their backs on him.

  Now it seemed that both of his brothers were willing to forgive and forget. That realization filled him with quiet satisfaction.

  But what about Nikki? He had wronged her, most of all.

  Would the mother of his child be willing to accept his regrets and his determination to do better?

  And, if she did, was Jake willing to deal with the consequences?

  Seven

  It had been a very long time since Nikki shopped the designers on Fifth Avenue or Madison Avenue. But some memories never faded.

  If she was going to Joshua’s wedding—as Jake’s date—nothing in her closet was remotely suitable. She had a credit card for emergencies. This didn’t qualify. But even if the promised payments from Black Crescent didn’t come through, Nikki could pay off a purchase over the coming months.

  She had trained herself, out of necessity, not to live on credit. Today, she was going to break her own rule. A woman deserved the occasional fantasy, and this was hers.

  After working the very early morning shift at the diner and then spending time with her daughter, Nikki changed clothes and said goodbye to her mom and Emma. Because the wedding was close, she decided to postpone the movie date with her daughter. Catching a train into the city at one o’clock didn’t leave Nikki much time for shopping.

  She dozed en route, exhausted. Yesterday’s double shift, followed by a 4:00 a.m. alarm this morning, had drained her. Even so, adrenaline pumped in her veins when she arrived at Grand Central.

  In better days, Roberta Reardon had employed a full-time chauffeur. Now, Nikki was happy to use the subway. It was cheap and easy and took her where she wanted to go.

  The first two stores she tried were a bust. Her mother had shopped with her at both when Nikki was a teenage girl. But Nikki’s tastes had changed.

  She was getting discouraged when she spotted a small boutique wedged in between two well-known fashion houses that took up most of the block. The modest shop had a name on the glass door that Nikki didn’t recognize. The items in the window told her to go in and take a look.

  Inside, a pleasant saleswoman honored Nikki’s intent to browse undisturbed. There were casual outfits aplenty. Deeper into the salon, Nikki found what she was looking for. Jake had told her the wedding would be in the early afternoon. Which meant tea-length was perfectly appropriate. The dress she spotted was a beautiful shade of ivory. Strapless. With a ballerina skirt that frothed out in layers of soft tulle.

  “I’d like to try this one,” she said impulsively, although the price tag made her gulp.

  “I’ll put it in a changing room for you,” the woman said. “And if you’re interested, that small rack over there is marked down. Last year’s items. You know the drill.”

  Nikki wondered if the clerk had scoped out her customer and noted the inexpensive jeans and generic top. It didn’t matter. False pride was a commodity Nikki couldn’t afford. Though she had planned only to flip through the discounted items, her hand landed on a scoop-neck red cashmere sweater that might or might not clash with her hair. The black wool pencil skirt was a no-brainer. It would go with everything.

  In the curtained cubicle, she tried the sweater and skirt first. They fit perfectly. A small pulled thread on the sleeve of the sweater and a
missing button on the skirt explained another reason the items were on sale. The small imperfections didn’t daunt Nikki. She had learned to be handy with a needle. Jake wanted to see her again. If that involved a night out, this outfit would bolster her confidence.

  Her choice for the wedding was even better. She smoothed her hands over the skirt and tugged at the bodice. The only thing holding her back was the color. Some people insisted that only a bride should wear white to a wedding.

  The saleslady knocked on the door frame. “Any luck?”

  Nikki held back the curtain. “I love this, but I don’t know if I can wear it to a wedding. You know, because of the color.”

  The woman tilted her head and studied Nikki. “It fits you like a dream. And I don’t think most people care anymore. Besides, it’s a deep, rich ivory, not white. What if you add a pop of color? Hold on.”

  When the woman returned moments later, Nikki nodded. “That might work.” She took the proffered scarf and draped it around her shoulders. It was soft, watered silk in pale, pale pink. When Nikki looked in the mirror, she smiled. “Thank you. I’ll take it.”

  As the clerk rang up the purchases, Nikki battled her conscience. Any extra money she made over and above her household expenses went to doing things with her daughter and her mother. Movies. Meals out. This self-indulgence was hard to justify.

  The saleswoman excused herself for a moment to deal with a call on the store’s landline. While Nikki waited perched on the edge of a chair, her cell phone dinged. Her heart gave a funny little jump. It was a text from Jake...

  Dinner tomorrow night? Just us? Let me know...

  There was no reason to get flustered. Jake wasn’t making a romantic overture. He clearly wanted to speak with Nikki about the future and how he would be a part of Emma’s life. Or how he might not. Nikki knew it was an important conversation. One she needed to have with Jake alone. She would have to act like a mature thirtysomething single mother and not the giddy cocktail waitress who had still adored Jake Lowell and let him coax her into bed.

  Even more importantly, she absolutely had to decide what it was she wanted from him. She needed his body, his intense lovemaking. His rakish charm. But common sense said she couldn’t sleep with him and still make smart decisions about Emma.

  What happened if Nikki didn’t make the right choice?

  If she agreed to this dinner, she had little more than twenty-four hours to figure it out.

  Other customers entered the store, and Nikki got up, rattled by the unexpected text. When the employee handed over two lilac-and-navy shopping bags, Nikki winced inwardly. On the other hand, a little part of her was already thinking about how perfect her new sweater and skirt would be for a night out with her daughter’s father.

  Elegant. Not too fussy. Nothing that would suggest Nikki misunderstood Jake’s motives. But definitely flattering.

  Outside, the wind had picked up, and the sky was gray. The pleasant temperatures were gone, replaced by a bone-chilling cold. Nikki leaned against the building only long enough to answer the text.

  She dithered over what to say, even as her fingers began to freeze. Finally, she pecked out a response...

  Dinner is fine. Can we do seven?

  Her phone dinged again...

  Works for me. I’ll pick you up then.

  She gnawed her lip. But decided to add one more note...

  Have fun at Joshua’s bachelor party!

  After a long silence, all she got was the thumbs-up emoji. Jake could be busy. Or he wasn’t interested in a long text exchange.

  No need to feel rejected.

  When she glanced at her watch, she saw that she had a little time to kill before she caught the train. Too bad the Rockefeller Center tree wasn’t up yet. Maybe she could bring Emma in a few weeks. At four, her precocious daughter was more than old enough to enjoy the treat.

  Since Nikki’s shopping errand had been accomplished with time to spare, she decided to walk despite the gloomy weather. She could definitely use more exercise. Everywhere she looked, retail establishments were beginning to deck the halls for the holiday season.

  Thanksgiving was the weekend after Joshua’s wedding. Barely two weeks away. Nikki and Roberta never made a big deal about the holiday. Nikki often baked a pumpkin pie. And sometimes they cooked a small turkey breast. But the celebration was low-key.

  When Nikki was in high school, she remembered huge Thanksgiving spreads, mostly put together by the Lowell cook and housekeeper. As a kid, Nikki had never really thought about the work it took to pull off something like that. Or the expense.

  Vernon Lowell had loved hosting lavish celebrations and inviting fifteen or twenty of his friends and business associates. The enormous cherry dining-room table could seat two dozen. The chandelier was actual Venetian glass. The priceless Persian silk rug and the enormous sets of china, crystal and heavy silver had all been sold off after the patriarch’s disappearance.

  Nikki had nothing of that era to pass down to her own daughter.

  It didn’t matter, she told herself firmly. Emma knew she was loved, and that’s what mattered.

  Eventually, Nikki made her way back to Grand Central and caught the train home. This time she didn’t sleep. She worried. Did she and Jake have anything in common anymore? Could she step back into his world even temporarily? Could she sleep with him and let it be no more than that? And what about the fact that he didn’t understand how much she had changed?

  She knew he wasn’t staying. But she badly wanted him to acknowledge all the ways she had survived and thrived. Something deep inside her craved his approval and his love.

  And if that wasn’t the most dismal admission a woman had ever made, she didn’t know what was.

  Arriving on the doorstep of her familiar small house calmed some of Nikki’s nerves. She and Emma had made it this far and had a good life. Whatever came next, they would handle.

  When Nikki opened the front door, the aroma of homemade chicken-noodle soup wafted out. Though her mom and Emma had finished eating, the soup was still warming on the stove.

  Nikki shrugged out of her coat and hung it up on a hook near the door. Her shopping bags went in a nearby closet. Then she hugged Emma and smiled at her mom. “Thanks for keeping her this afternoon.” She tried never to take her mother’s help for granted, even though Roberta enjoyed time with Emma.

  Emma demanded to be picked up. Nikki nuzzled her daughter’s hair. “You smell like dessert,” she teased.

  The routine of the next hour and a half was comfortable and familiar. At Nikki’s request, Roberta stayed. When Nikki told her mother they needed to talk, Roberta raised an eyebrow, but nodded.

  At last, Emma was asleep. The two women made their way to the tiny living room, turned on the gas logs and put up their feet.

  Roberta sighed. “This is nice. Did you find a dress for the wedding?”

  “I did,” Nikki said. “I’ll try it on for you sometime soon. Thanks again for keeping Emma. I tried to get back as quickly as I could.”

  Roberta cocked her head. “You said we needed to talk. Is this about Jake?”

  “Not directly. He and I are having dinner tomorrow night to discuss Emma and the future.”

  “What’s to talk about? He’s her father.”

  “Jake being Emma’s daddy isn’t what I wanted to talk to you about, Mom.”

  “Oh?”

  Carefully, and as calmly as possible, Nikki shared what Joshua had told her about his plan to compensate Roberta and Nikki for all they had lost. She went on to explain that all of the Black Crescent clients who lost money fifteen years ago had received payments at an agreed-upon rate. It had taken Joshua a very long time, but the ethical and legal obligations had been met.

  Roberta listened in silence, though her eyes widened, and her cheeks flushed.

  When Nikki finished, Ro
berta sat up on the edge of her seat, clearly agitated. “Vernon stole that money. Why should you and I get anything?”

  “That’s what I told Joshua, Mom. But he says Dad stole from us, too. Joshua wants to do this.”

  “Dear Lord.” Roberta seemed dazed.

  “The payments will begin January first. It’s a lot of money. Not like what you had before, but plenty if we’re careful. We’ll need to invest some and save some. You don’t want to get to the end of the ten years and find yourself right back where you are now.”

  Roberta nodded. “I didn’t know a single thing about finances when I married your father. I’ve regretted that more than once since he left us.”

  “I’ll help you. And I suspect Joshua will be willing to advise us.”

  “And Jake, too. If he’s such a financial genius.”

  “Yes,” Nikki said hesitantly. She’d told her mom how Jake had supported himself for years by day-trading. “Jake, too. Think about it, Mom. You can go back to your old friends. Pick up the good pieces of your old life.”

  Roberta’s face hardened. “They turned their backs on me.”

  “No. To be fair, you and I disappeared. We didn’t give anyone a chance to help us. We were embarrassed and too humiliated to show our faces. I’m sure there were a few of your friends who might have shunned you for what Daddy did, but I have to believe that at least some of them would be glad to reconnect. I think that’s true even now. But we haven’t wanted any contact. Maybe we were wrong, Mom.”

  “I suppose.”

  It was a lot to digest. Nikki was glad her mother didn’t turn the tables and ask what Nikki wanted to do. Life was comfortable now. Hard and demanding, but comfortable in its predictability.

  Did Nikki want to uproot all she had worked for and return to the town of her childhood? Emma could attend the same Falling Brook prep school where her mother got a good education. Nikki could be a stay-at-home mom for a few years. Volunteer at school. Pay attention to her physical and mental health. Not be so exhausted all the time.