by Cara Malone
For the next few weeks, though, Megan and Alex were true to their word. Despite all the things weighing on Megan’s mind about why their arrangement couldn’t work, she managed to keep things light and casual. The fact that they both had busy class schedules probably helped, meaning that the majority of their interactions took place through text messages during the day.
They got coffee or a quick meal in between classes sometimes, and once they’d attempted to study together. Alex suggested it, saying that since they both had a lot of studying to do every night they could make their own little study group, and they’d met at the café with their backpacks full of homework. That was the first and only time they tried to study together, because they started by chatting over coffee, and four hours later they were still talking and neither one of them had taken so much as a textbook out of their backpacks.
So they set boundaries, resisting the urge to text each other at certain hours that they’d designated as study times. Megan was dead serious about maintaining her class rank and keeping it higher than Ivy’s, and Alex had a lot of memorizing and practicing to do if she was going to pass her EMT certification exam in just a few short months.
And in all the free moments of her day, Megan thought about Alex. She either thought about her, or thought about how she really ought not to be thinking so much about that girl. It scared her how close they were getting, how much Alex knew about her and how much Megan looked forward to their time together.
Then one day in late October, Megan came back to the apartment after class to find Chloe sitting on the couch and pouting.
“Hey Chlo,” Megan said as she came in and tossed her backpack on the floor by the door. “Whatcha doing?”
“Looking at airfare prices,” she said with a sigh. “It’s almost not worth going home for Thanksgiving, especially when all I get for a four hundred-dollar flight is a couple days of my relatives asking me when I’m going to find a husband.”
Megan let out an involuntary snort, then asked with a little more sympathy, “You’re not out to your family yet?”
“Sort of. I’m out to my immediate family, but I can’t really expect my eighty-year-old nana to remember I like girls instead of boys, and it seems like an awkward thing to announce to the aunts and uncles I only see a few times a year,” Chloe said. She seemed more serious than usual, her tone lacking its usual chipper quality, and it was no fun to tease her when she was upset, so Megan sat down on the couch to lend a sympathetic ear instead. Chloe said, “It would be so much easier if I had a girlfriend to bring home, though. More fun, too.”
She glanced up at Megan, and was that a slight raise of her eyebrows as they locked eyes?
“And more money for the flight,” Megan pointed out.
“That’s true,” Chloe said, closing her laptop and putting it on the coffee table. With a sigh, she added, “It’s like they forget that I’m in med school, like I’m nothing more than a single woman, and all they can focus on is when I’m going to find a nice man. What about you? Does your family bug you about being single at the holidays?”
“Well, my little brother bugs me in general,” Megan said, laughing. “But I guess my parents would be happy if I settled down.”
She thought about Alex, and for the first time she wondered if Alex had told her mother about her. In Alex’s head, were they dating? They certainly hadn’t had that talk, but Megan could admit that it was a weird situation to try to explain—more than friends, less than girlfriends, and sadly, not lovers. Megan had chosen to deal with the issue by avoiding it—she hadn’t brought Alex to the apartment, Chloe didn’t know about her, and her parents definitely didn’t know about her. The only person who knew was Ivy, and that was only because she was such a nosy jerk.
“We should just pretend to date until the holidays are over,” Chloe said with a sigh, and then she put her hand on top of Megan’s on the couch cushion between them.
It caught Megan off-guard, and for a moment she was speechless. Ever since Chloe moved in, Megan had been trying to decide if she had a crush on her—she was always so complimentary, and so helpful, and sometimes it seemed like she’d do anything for Megan, like baby her when she woke up with a migraine. But Chloe was so bubbly and enthusiastic about everyone and everything—hell, she even liked Ivy—and Megan could never be certain if she really was getting special treatment. Now, there didn’t seem to be much doubt about it.
“Whoa,” she said, gently slipping her hand out from under Chloe’s. She decided to approach this situation the way she approached most tricky things—with humor. “You know I don’t date—even if it’s make-believe.”
Clouds formed behind Chloe’s sky-blue eyes for a moment, and then she perked up, patted Megan’s hand again as if that action would wipe away the earnestness of the previous one, and then she said, “I know, silly. It was a joke.”
“Good one,” Megan said. “You got me.”
She got up from the couch, all too eager to extract herself from that moment, and went into the kitchen to retrieve a bottle of juice from the refrigerator. While she was pouring it into a glass, Chloe called from the couch, “You know you’re going to have to get back out there eventually.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Megan asked.
“We’ve been living together for over a year and I’ve never seen you go on a single date,” Chloe said.
That was true, but it wasn’t the whole story—Megan had her fair share of hook-ups last year, but it felt wrong to broadcast it to Chloe so she’d always just said she was going to the library to study. It was true enough of the time—the library was practically Megan’s second home—but it was also a handy excuse, which she’d continued to use without thinking twice whenever she was going out to meet Alex.
“I know you think your ex-girlfriend damaged you forever,” Chloe said—to which Megan answered in her mind, the opposite actually—and then she added, “You’re never going to get over her if you don’t tear down the walls you put up around yourself.”
“It’s not that,” Megan said, then she shook her head sadly and tried to maintain a sympathetic face as she said, “I just happen to find you annoying.”
“Shut up,” Chloe said, grabbing the nearest throw pillow off the couch and hurling it in Megan’s direction.
She missed, Megan blew her a kiss, and said in a voice that imitated Chloe’s own cheerful tone, “Love you.”
“Love you too, you stone-hearted bitch,” Chloe said with a roll of her eyes, and then Megan headed down the hall to her room.
Chapter Twenty-One
Megan
As the leaves began to fall with greater speed and the weather turned colder, Megan and Alex continued to find time to see each other whenever they could in the midst of their busy schedules. Usually this involved the cafes and diners around Evanston, and sometimes it involved a quiet corner booth where no one would see them leaning in to pay more attention to each other than their meals.
They kissed, held hands, and Megan ate the majority of the meals they enjoyed together with one arm slung around Alex’s shoulder. It felt a lot like being a teenager again, dipping their toes slowly into the waters of sexuality, and it was fun, but it was also frustrating as hell. All Megan wanted to do most nights was kiss Alex deeply, press her body against Alex’s curves, smell her, taste her, give her pleasure and feel the way her own body was aching to respond.
And of course, they teased each other and texted each other daily. Megan loved Alex’s witty replies, and she found herself reaching for her phone all the time, craving more of her. They talked about everything from their classwork to their future plans. They flirted and told each other about their days. One evening when Megan was supposed to be studying, she heard her phone vibrate and she couldn’t resist the urge to pick it up. She was rewarded with a text from Alex.
I came home tonight to find my mom washing the dishes.
Megan remembered the things that Alex had told her about her mother, and
how hard she’d taken the loss of her husband. This was a good sign, and Megan answered back with a joking, Moms Gone Wild.
It sounds like such a small thing, but for her it’s a big deal.
I can count on one hand the number of times she’s been in the kitchen over the past year.
Megan smiled, and answered, That’s good. I guess she’s moving on, too. Alex didn’t answer back right away, and Megan wondered if she’d inadvertently pushed Alex too far. But then the answer came.
Yeah. I mean, she went right back to the television when she was done, but it’s a step. At least she’s trying.
We’re both trying.
Megan smiled again at this, and then she put the phone face-down on her desk. It was study time, and if she was going to make this work with Alex, whatever it was they were doing, then she’d have to learn to segment her life in order to keep up with her classes.
One afternoon in November, Megan met Alex at a movie theater not far from campus. She was wearing a plaid dress under a fleece jacket. It was perfect for the changing season but which, to Megan’s unanswered desires, looked like nothing more than a long shirt that grazed the middles of Alex’s thighs.
“You look hot,” Megan growled the moment they met on the sidewalk. She put one hand on Alex’s hip as they kissed, and it was hard to resist the urge to let it slide lower, to the hem of her dress.
But then Alex stepped away, taking Megan’s hand and pulling her over to the ticket counter. “Come on, we don’t have much time before the movie starts.”
“Please tell me you’re not one of those people who likes to watch all the previews,” Megan said. The wind picked up Alex’s long, thick hair and Megan could smell the lavender on her skin. She wanted to melt into her, and she squeezed Alex’s hand a little tighter to signal her desire. It had been over a month now, and she’d had about enough of the slow stuff.
“I am,” Alex answered, “and I’m going to answer all the trivia, too.”
“Nerd,” Megan managed to shoot back, but all of her attention was on the intense way that she was craving Alex today. They’d done it Alex’s way long enough, and Megan had compromised for her, but she didn’t know how much more she could take of this exquisite torture—especially if she was going to wear a dress like that.
They went into the almost empty theater. It was a late afternoon showing and they had their pick of seats. Megan led Alex to the back of the theater, sitting in the very last row.
“Best seats in the house,” she said, then glanced over at Alex. “Can you read your precious trivia questions from back here?”
“Yep,” Alex said. “This is perfect.”
She slid her hand into Megan’s, threading their fingers together and resting the back of her hand against Megan’s thigh. It was the most intimate thing that Alex had done thus far, and Megan was becoming more and more certain that her choice of dress was intentional. The fabric had inched slightly higher on Alex’s leg when she sat down, and Megan spared a quick glance at the softness of her thigh, wondering whether Alex would object if she put her hand on the bare skin there.
“Ellen,” Alex said, and Megan was taken aback.
“What?”
Alex just laughed and nodded at the screen, where a trivia question asked, In the 2003 animated film, Finding Nemo, who voiced Dory?
“Oh,” Megan said with a laugh, rubbing her thumb over Alex’s hand. “Sheesh, I thought you were sitting there thinking about another woman.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Alex said with a smile, and Megan leaned over the arm rest between them to kiss her. A few more trivia questions marched by on the screen without acknowledgement by the time they finally broke their kiss and Alex said, “I wanted to tell you something.”
“Is it that you’d rather be here with Ellen?”
“I guess if the opportunity arose I wouldn’t pass it up,” Alex admitted with a laugh.
“I don’t blame you,” Megan answered. Most of the time she could look into those steely eyes all day, but right now she only wanted to pull Alex into another kiss. She resisted, though, and waited for Alex to finish her thought.
“I’m done tapering,” she said, and for the first time tonight, Megan caught a glint of desire in her eyes, too. It sent a shiver of anticipation through her—was Alex saying what Megan thought she was saying? She amended, “Well, technically I finished with the pills a week ago, but they’re out of my system now, and so are all the negative side effects.”
“Wow,” Megan said. “That’s great. How are you feeling?”
“I feel good,” Alex said, her voice indicating that she was a little surprised by this. “It’s nice to be my old self again.”
Megan put her hand on the back of Alex’s head, pulling her close so that she could kiss her forehead, and then the lights began to dim around them. Alex nudged Megan, bringing their lips to meet, and as the first preview began to play, she opened her mouth and slipped her tongue between Megan’s lips.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Alex
When the movie was over and the lights went back up, there was no doubt about what Megan and Alex both wanted next. Alex could feel her breath getting caught in her throat every time her thoughts strayed from the silver screen to her hand on Megan’s thigh. They’d gotten off to a rocky start, but then Megan had been so patient and understanding for the last few weeks, and now Alex was finally ready to take their relationship to the next level.
They walked out of the theater and stood for a moment on the sidewalk, neither one of them wanting to voice their desires for fear that the other wouldn’t reciprocate, and Alex was gratefully when, finally, Megan said, “My apartment’s not far from here. Do you want to come over for a little while?”
“Yeah,” Alex agreed, reluctantly letting her hand fall from Megan’s as they went over to Megan’s car parked on the street.
“There’s not much street parking by my place, and the lot is for residents only,” Megan said apologetically. “I’ll drive you back to your car later if that’s okay.”
“Sure,” Alex said, and the moment she was alone in the car with Megan, the tension between them became palpable. She wondered which one of them would break first, lunging across the center console toward the other, but they both managed to behave, talking in an uncharacteristically stilted manner about the movie while Megan drove the short distance to her apartment. It turned out to be about four blocks away, which was good because Alex didn’t think she could handle the suspense of a longer drive.
“It’s mostly undergrads who live here,” Megan explained as they walked up the stairwell to the third floor. “I could have lived in one of the graduate dorms on campus, but I had such a good lease here that it was cheaper to stay, especially after I found Chloe to take the other bedroom.”
“I lived on campus when I was a freshman at the University of Illinois, in a triple room with two girls I didn’t know and who owned entirely too much stuff,” Alex said, laughing. “We were packed in there like sardines and the walls were paper-thin.”
“Dorm living at its finest,” Megan said. Megan unlocked the door on the right. “Here we are, home sweet home.”
She went in first, clicking on a floor lamp near the door that cast the room in a warm glow, and Alex followed, closing the door behind her. The apartment was bigger than she expected, and well-decorated with a plush, inviting sofa in the middle of the living area and a meticulously clean kitchen along one wall.
“What do you think?” Megan asked, shrugging off her jacket and hanging it on a hook near the door, then coming over to Alex to help her do the same.
As Megan put her hands on Alex’s shoulders, tugging off her fleece jacket, Alex smiled at the warmth this gesture created along every point of contact from her shoulders to her wrists. Megan hung up her jacket and Alex turned to face her, smiling as she teased, “It’s cleaner than I expected for a med student.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Megan asked.
<
br /> “I don’t know,” Alex said. “I just kind of pictured you as one of those people who are highly organized when it comes to your studies but neglects everything else. An Einstein type.”
“Well, I’ll take the Einstein compliment, I guess,” Megan said. “But stereotype much?”
Alex laughed and said, “Fair enough. I got that one wrong.”
“Actually, this is my roommate’s doing. She’s a clean freak,” Megan said, and Alex laughed as she added, “You should see the state of my room.”
“I knew it,” Alex said with a wry smile. Then she asked, “So where is your roommate, anyway?”
“Study group,” Megan said. “They meet every week, and it usually lasts for hours. Sometimes days.”
Megan stepped a little closer, putting her hands on Alex’s hips, and Alex asked, “Days?”
A laugh began to bubble up in her throat, but before it had a chance to come out, Megan kissed her. Alex allowed her body to melt into Megan’s with only a little trepidation. The medication would be out of her system now, but she still wasn’t totally sure how her body would respond to Megan, or for that matter, how her heart would respond.
Her pulse was pounding in her ears as she pulled away from Megan ever so slightly, just enough to murmur, “Do you want to show me your messy bedroom?”
Megan licked her lips, and then growled, “So badly.”
She took Alex’s hand and guided her silently, almost solemnly, down the hall. She pushed open a door, revealing a sparsely decorated room with a bed in one corner and a desk full of textbooks and medical journals in another. Megan stepped aside and let Alex enter, and she took stock of the space for a moment, willing her heart rate to settle before they continued.