by Cara Malone
Chloe had to hide a smirk as she thought, Ivy, you suck-up. Of course, she also happened to think that Ivy managed to do it in a way that made it one of her most charming traits, but it was always entertaining to watch her in action.
“And you, Barnes?” Dr. Stevens asked.
“I saw a broader variety of patients this week than last,” she offered. “I can see how a fast diagnosis is more important than a personal connection in emergency medicine.”
Dr. Stevens looked at her as if she’d decided they were both incurable brown-noses, but then she said, “Good. You’re released from the buddy system but I want you to remember what you learned from each other.”
Then she left the office and Chloe and Ivy were close on her heels, just as eager not to be in that small room alone with each other as they were to not be caught dawdling. Chloe’s shift ended shortly after while Ivy was just beginning a night on call, so Chloe headed for the locker room to change and go home. She didn’t linger this time, deciding to walk home despite the brisk fall wind.
While she walked, Chloe thought about the kiss, as she’d done many times in the past week despite her promise to Ivy that she would forget it. Ivy never did things on a whim. She even insisted on scheduling their study sessions a week in advance.
What had Chloe really learned from her week of working with Ivy?
Ivy liked her, but she was unwilling to act on it because her education came first. The kiss had awakened new feelings in Chloe. She was beginning to think about Ivy in a new light – one that didn’t involve case studies, flashcards, or arguing over patient care philosophies.
Not that it mattered, because as far as Ivy was concerned, the kiss never happened.
The last few weeks of the ER rotation went by in a blur. Chloe found that she was a little disappointed to no longer have Ivy by her side, but Ivy seemed eager to get back to her old speed, flying around the Emergency Room and snatching up as many interesting cases as she could find.
Their paths didn’t intervene much, but when Chloe and Ivy were together – in the locker room or during their weekly study sessions – there was a newfound awkwardness between them, forged by that unspoken kiss. Ivy couldn’t let herself dwell on it for fear it would hold her back, and Chloe didn’t want to be the kind of girl who got hung up on someone who clearly didn’t have room in her life for her.
She’d made that mistake once already and she was still living with it – literally.
Chloe wasn’t sure how she felt about Ivy after their kiss. She’d never thought about her romantically before because Ivy was so focused on her education and career, Chloe didn’t even think of her as a sexual being, let alone a lesbian. But there was a lot of chemistry in that kiss, and Chloe decided that it didn’t matter. Chloe could never look at Megan and completely forget that she’d once had a crush on her, and she didn’t want the same thing to happen with Ivy.
She cared about Ivy as a friend, so she diligently pushed away thoughts of anything more.
The last challenge of the rotation came on Chloe’s final night on call. It happened to be with Ivy and Chloe was nervous the whole day leading up to it. As she headed for the call room to get a little sleep before her pager went off, Chloe thought about how dark and intimate the room had felt during their first night on call together. She didn’t understand it at the time, but now she wondered how she could have missed it – it had been sexual tension, and she didn’t know whether to dread or anticipate Ivy’s presence in the call room tonight.
On one hand, Chloe would love another kiss like their first one – maybe a little longer and more passionate this time – but on the other hand, if she kissed Ivy again, she’d really start falling for her.
Maybe Ivy would be studying in the hospital’s library and Chloe could avoid the whole issue. Ivy went to the medical library often, to research interesting cases or just to wear herself out when she was on call but she wasn’t quite tired enough to sleep. When Chloe went into the call room, it was empty and by the sinking feeling in her chest, she realized that she had been anticipating, not dreading this moment.
She took off her jacket and hung it on a wall hook, then lay down on the bottom bunk. She folded her hands over her chest and closed her eyes, intending to sleep, but she was wide awake. A long time passed – twenty minutes or an hour – and then the door opened softly. Chloe tried to keep her eyes closed because it could be anyone coming in to crash on the top bunk, but when she opened one eye, she saw a familiar, small-framed figure moving in the dark. Ivy’s ponytail swished against her back as she hung her backpack on the wall, and when she turned around, Chloe sat up.
“Hey,” she said.
“Hi,” Ivy answered, but Chloe couldn’t see her face in the darkness.
“I left the top bunk for you.”
“Thanks,” Ivy said.
She didn’t make a move for the bed, standing awkwardly near the door instead, so Chloe tried to lighten the mood. She said, “I hear you and Megan are both starting the surgery rotation on Monday. Are you going to survive another rotation with her?”
The two most competitive people in their program doing a rotation together in the most competitive field of medicine had the potential to get ugly. Megan had decided on a pathology specialty a long time ago, but to Ivy, the surgical rotation was of utmost importance. Chloe knew from watching their rivalry unfold over the last three years that it likely meant Ivy would have to work doubly hard to impress the residents while Megan took pleasure in throwing roadblocks at her for the pure joy of it.
“The question is whether she’ll survive another rotation with me,” Ivy said and Chloe laughed. She knew very well that Ivy could hold her own against Megan. Ivy asked, “You’re going into peds, right?”
“Yeah,” Chloe said. “I guess we’ll see if everyone’s right about me after all.”
“Just promise me you’ll keep an open mind,” Ivy said. “I know you feel pigeon-holed because everyone expects you to be a pediatrician, but you never know – it might click.”
Chloe rolled her eyes, which Ivy didn’t catch in the dark, but then she said, “You’re right.”
For a moment, the awkwardness that had plagued them for the last couple of weeks faded away. Then Ivy came closer, angling for the ladder at the foot of the bed, and Chloe’s heart started racing.
She stood up, her pulse suddenly beating in her ears as she tried to pick out Ivy’s delicate features in the dark. There were less than twelve inches between them and Chloe wondered if Ivy could hear her heart slamming into her chest. Ivy didn’t move away or reach for the ladder, so Chloe reached out and her fingertips brushed Ivy’s scrub top. Ivy inhaled sharply and then stepped closer.
Chloe put her hand gently on Ivy’s waist.
They kissed.
The first time had been innocent and tender.
This time, Ivy let out a small moan the moment their lips touched and Chloe squeezed her waist, craving more of her. Their lips pressed together more firmly and the faint peppermint of Ivy’s breath invaded Chloe’s senses, turning her world upside down.
She put her other hand on Ivy’s hip, drawing her closer. Ivy opened her mouth and Chloe slid her tongue over her bottom lip, and then found Ivy’s tongue. She gave up pretending she didn’t want this. Chloe sat down on the lower bunk, pulling Ivy by her hips down to join her, but at the last minute, Ivy twisted out of her grip and stepped into the center of the room.
“No,” she said. Her silhouette was the only thing Chloe could see in the darkness and she put one hand to her forehead in frustration. “I’m sorry, Chloe. I can’t afford to want this right now.”
“Ivy-”
“I really wish I could,” she said. Then she grabbed her backpack off the hook.
“Where are you going?” Chloe asked, distraught.
“Back to the ER,” Ivy said, and then she was gone, the door swinging shut behind her. Chloe slumped back on the bed and smacked her head on the wall.
“Ouch
!” she hissed, rubbing the spot.
She sat in the dark for a few minutes, replaying every detail of what had just happened – the way Ivy’s body felt beneath Chloe’s hands, the way she tasted, the way it suddenly made sense to be together even though it hadn’t occurred to Chloe before. She wanted to chase Ivy into the hallway and beg her to reconsider her priorities, but that was an argument Chloe had already lost.
11
Ivy
Walking into the operating room for the first time was damn close to an out of body experience. Ivy had been in ORs a few times during her early years of medical school to observe surgeries, but she’d never been invited to stand at the table before.
The room was fairly small, with light green walls and dim overhead lights to prevent eye strain. The operating table was in the center of the room, two large surgical lights overhead pointing to it like spotlights. There were six other people in the room – Dr. Isaac, who was Ivy’s new chief resident, a few surgical nurses and technicians, the anesthetist, and of course, the patient.
Her name was Raven. She was forty-two-years old and had early-stage breast cancer. Ivy had met her on her first day in the surgery department and she was someone Chloe would have connected with instantly. Ivy could just see her pulling up a chair beside Raven’s hospital bed and getting to know every aspect of her life, from her job to her family to her strategy for keeping optimistic during the road to recovery.
Raven had smiled and kept her chin up when Dr. Isaac gave the details of her case to the new medical students – there was a two-centimeter metastatic tumor found in her breast during her baseline mammogram. She had a family history of breast cancer, but there was no evidence that the cancer cells had spread to the nearby lymph nodes. That meant she was still in Stage One and the chances of a full recovery after surgery and radiation were excellent.
Ivy had displayed her knowledge on the subject during rounds, so Dr. Isaac tapped her to follow the case - which made Megan eager to show Ivy up when it came to answering questions about every other case that day. She ended up getting assigned to a hernia repair case and Ivy quietly celebrated the fact that she’d gotten the better case and was already winning what would no doubt be a hell of a competition between the two of them over the next eight weeks.
Ivy looked after Raven in the first couple of days of the rotation, monitoring her vital signs, performing minor procedures and taking her for an ultrasound to locate and mark the tumor. Dr. Isaac popped in occasionally, but he was always busy and never had time to be anything but blunt about Raven’s treatment.
That meant Ivy got the chance to answer all the follow-up questions Raven had. Because Ivy had learned to slow down long enough to answer questions and provide reassurance, she learned that Raven was the type of person who put on a brave face for her doctors even though there were chaotic emotions beneath her brave demeanor. Raven’s parents came in the evenings and sat with her, but she was often alone in her room during the days and that was when her fears about the surgery and the battle ahead tended to get the best of her.
So on the morning of the surgery, Ivy arrived early to her shift and went into Raven’s room before rounds. She was sleeping, her dark hair falling across her face and making her skin look pale by comparison. Ivy coughed lightly and Raven turned to her.
“Hmm?” she murmured, then as she woke up, she became aware of her surroundings and sat up, trying to arrange her hospital gown into some semblance of modesty.
“Good morning,” Ivy said, pushing the button to raise the bed into a sitting position for her. “I’m sorry to wake you, but I just wanted to come and see how you’re feeling about the surgery today. Do you have any last-minute questions for me or Dr. Isaac?”
“I don’t think so,” Raven said. “You’re going to be in the room, right?”
“Yes,” Ivy said.
“Good,” Raven said. “What time is it?”
“A little before eight,” Ivy said. “Your surgery is scheduled to begin at ten so we’ll start prepping you soon.”
“My parents are coming at nine,” Raven said. “Can you make sure I get to see them before I go?”
“Of course,” Ivy said, then Raven took her hand and thanked her. Ivy waited for her to release her hand, then said, “I’ll be back in a little while for rounds. Try to get some rest and remember, you can’t eat or drink anything this morning.”
She left Raven and went to find Dr. Isaac for the morning rounds. She’d been excited when she woke up because it was finally the day when she would get to assist in her first surgery, but now she was a little nervous, too. She had Chloe and Dr. Stevens to thank for that, and she wasn’t quite sure how she felt about it.
She was invested in Raven’s case now, not just because she was eager to get surgical experience but because she was rooting for her patient’s recovery in a personal way. She knew Raven and she’d met her parents. She knew how nervous Raven was and how determined she’d been to hide those nerves and put on a brave face. Now that Ivy was standing in the operating room and Raven was lying on the operating table, she wondered if this would have been easier or harder if Raven was nothing more than a lumpectomy procedure to her.
The surgery went well. It was over in less than an hour and because she’d been able to recite every step Dr. Isaac would need to take to perform the lumpectomy, he allowed Ivy to do a little bit of cautery. Ivy reported the results to Raven’s parents after she was wheeled into recovery, then headed into the locker room to change into a fresh pair of scrubs.
As soon as the door swung shut, Ivy let out a quick whoop and pumped her fist in the air. She’d been waiting so very long for this moment – through four years of undergrad, two years of classroom study, and a year of rotations through departments she knew were not for her. Now she’d finally been in an OR, held a cautery knife, and stood front and center to watch Dr. Isaac do what she’d been craving for the entirety of her education. He’d been very skillful, resected all of the tumor and Raven was going to make a full recovery – and Ivy had been part of that life-changing moment.
She was on top of the world and nothing could make this moment better.
Then the door opened and Ivy’s mind went immediately to Chloe – she could make this moment better and Ivy wouldn’t hesitate to scoop her up into a passionate embrace if she walked through that door right now.
But it wasn’t Chloe – Ivy’s eyes rolled involuntarily when she saw Megan.
“Hey,” Megan said as she went over to her locker on the other side of the room. “You done with the lumpectomy already?”
“Yeah,” Ivy said, standing a little taller. “Smooth sailing.”
“I wasn’t doubting Dr. Isaac’s abilities,” Megan said. “Did he let you near the table?”
“He let me cauterize,” Ivy said. She’d been the first medical student in their group to get into an OR, but Megan’s hernia repair was scheduled for later in the afternoon so Ivy needed to get her bragging in while she could.
“Good for you,” Megan said, turning around to get changed. “Did you ask if you could keep the tumor in a little jar of formaldehyde, too?”
“No,” Ivy said. “I’m glad my surgery was open, though. You’ll be lucky to see anything during a laparoscopic hernia repair.”
Ivy pulled on her new scrub top and then headed for the recovery wing, eager to check on Raven. She wouldn’t be awake yet but Ivy could busy herself with checking the surgical drain and incision site in the meantime.
The first week of Ivy’s surgical rotation went by in a flash. Some of her other rotations – especially the ones she wasn’t remotely interested in – had dragged on and on, but she knew this one would be over in the blink of an eye.
Raven went home the day after her surgery and if all went well, Ivy wouldn’t see her again until she came back for her follow-up appointment to have her drainage tube removed. Ivy saw other patients and scrubbed into an appendectomy. She worked harder in her first week with Dr. Isaac than in
any of her other rotations - she got less sleep and spent more time in the medical library, and she couldn’t have been happier.
One morning at the beginning of her second week, Ivy woke up on the top bunk of the call room to the sound of the door opening and someone moving toward the lower bunk. Early morning light was streaming through the window and Ivy felt as if she’d gotten about two hours of sleep – par for the course when it came to the surgical rotation. She checked her watch – five a.m. – and swung her legs over the edge of the bed.
“Hey, watch it,” Megan snapped, batting Ivy’s feet away.
“Sorry,” she muttered, jumping down.
Her overnight shift was done and she had a whole day off before she had to report for duty again. It was still early so the best thing would be to go home and get a few more hours of sleep – quality ones in the comfort of her own bed – and then read up on the cholecystectomy she was scrubbing in on later in the week.
Ivy grabbed her jacket from the hook on the wall while Megan stripped the sheets off the lower bunk and got a fresh set out of the armoire. Ordinarily, Ivy would find something snarky or challenging to say to Megan, but she was so tired and it was so early, nothing came to her. She opened the door and just as she was going out of the call room, Chloe came in. Ivy backed up to avoid another collision like they’d had in the Emergency Room – which felt like ages ago – and Chloe smiled at her.
“Hey, stranger,” she said.
Those words would have sounded cliché coming out of anyone else’s mouth, but when Chloe said them, her eyes lit up and Ivy knew she was genuinely excited to see her. It stirred forbidden desire in her and she glanced over at Megan, who had stopped making the bed and was watching their exchange.
Ivy turned back to Chloe and did her best to pretend Megan wasn’t there as she asked, “How’s pediatrics?”