A Heart of Shame

by Kristen Banet

  “This…” Jasper gasped for air as his eyes filled with tears again. Just when he’d finally gotten the others to back off. “This means the world to me.”

  “Let’s get it on!” Elijah cheered, patting Jasper on the shoulder. He took the leg from Jasper, and Jasper pulled his shorts up for Elijah to have a good view of his thigh.

  It took about five minutes to secure, since none of them had done it yet. It gave Jasper time to think about something.

  “Why did you wait for us to get here?” He asked, looking between them.

  “I figured you might want to get the emotional stuff out of the way… without everyone else staring at you,” Elijah chuckled. “Just me, you, and Zander. And it gives you a night to adjust before everybody else sees it. That way you can stumble around with us and go back to them completely normal.”

  Jasper laughed, and he slid the shoe over the fake foot. Zander offered an arm to help him stand, and Jasper accepted it. It was strange, and he wobbled around for a moment.

  “Let’s try a few steps,” Zander said, leading Jasper as he walked a few feet. It felt good, and he looked down and noticed the foot was actually bending where the ankle should have been.

  “How’s does it know?” he asked, testing it, rocking back and forth on it as he watched.

  “The ankle? It’s designed to move naturally as you walk or run. Or ride a bike. It has a ball joint that gives it the movement. I’ve been playing with an enchantment to make it more responsive to you,” Elijah said, kneeling down. Jasper lifted his leg, using Zander as support. Elijah messed with it, but Jasper didn’t know what he was doing. “You should be good to go for the night. Let’s get to the club and get drinks.”

  “Yeah, I think I’ll stay sober tonight,” Jasper reassured him. He didn’t want a repeat of what happened at Harry’s, and he wasn’t a drinker to begin with. He was normally the babysitter on these trips, anyway. “I’ll make sure you two stay out of too much trouble. Are the rooms booked?”

  “Yup!” Zander laughed. “We just need to pick up the door keys and check in for the night. Then Elijah and I can go find girls. Or boys. Whatever floats your boat this evening, Cowboy.”

  “We’ll see.” Elijah laughed. “I’m not sure what I’m feeling, so…” Elijah shrugged with a grin.

  Jasper chuckled and let go of Zander. He wasn’t steady, but he thought he could get adjusted quickly. It felt… mostly natural, except that he really couldn’t feel anything with his new leg.

  He was overwhelmed by the gift Elijah and Zander had just given him. He’d spent the last few weeks wondering if he was going to spend his entire career with a standard, ugly prosthetic behind a desk. He’d always pushed himself to be the best he could, and that would have wrecked him. There was a real fear that the IMPO would pull him off the team if he couldn’t do the work of a Special Agent. He would have been shuffled into admin and forgotten.

  That wasn’t going to happen, now.

  It was near midnight and Jasper was sitting in a small booth at the bar sipping on water. Zander was drinking a Jack and Coke across from him while Elijah chatted up a short brunette next to the table.

  “It’s been a pretty subdued night,” Jasper noted, looking over at Zander.

  “Yeah, I guess I’m just not feeling it,” Zander groaned. “Which sucks. I needed to… get some shit out of my system, and I’m not sure I can.”

  “You need to get laid,” Jasper said flatly. “That much is obvious after that stupid move you pulled with Sawyer today.”

  “Don’t give me that.” Zander puffed up and glared at him. “I’ll crawl over this table and dump that fucking water on your head if you give me shit for that.”

  Jasper rolled his eyes.

  “Go get your dick sucked. Fuck, man,” Jasper growled. “I don’t need you moping because you have a hard-on for a woman who’s not interested.”

  “She’s interested,” Zander mumbled petulantly. Jasper shook his head.

  “You need to let her go,” Jasper whispered.

  “Have you?” Zander asked in a snarl.

  No. Jasper hadn’t lost hope for Sawyer yet, but he knew better than to get in her face over it anymore. She was going to have to come around on her time. That would give him time to handle his own issues with the entire situation.

  “I didn’t think so,” Zander grumbled when Jasper never answered, “And we all know what you’re hung up on.”

  “I’m getting there,” Jasper sighed. “She’s done a lot of good stuff in the last few weeks, but it’s hard to forget what she became after we left her.” Jasper thought it was all their fault that any of it happened. He believed in right and wrong. End of discussion. They had done wrong by leaving her alone. She had done wrong by…

  Jasper took another sip of his water. She’d done awful things because she didn’t have a choice, he reminded himself. No choice at all. She’d fallen for the worst guy she could have. She had been tricked into and trapped in a cycle of pain and despair, and for some reason, Jasper was hung up on her life as an assassin. He was hung up on her activities as a thief when she didn’t need to do that anymore. He was hung up on the fact that she was supremely capable of violence in a way he’d only knew one other person to be. But Quinn and Sawyer were two very different people with two very different sets of circumstances.

  “You’re both idiots,” Elijah said, laughing. The little brunette was hanging on him, but he didn’t seem to mind it. Jasper didn’t give her a second thought after that. “You both need to give her time. She’s not the type of girl to fall into bed. She’s too fucking smart to open that can of worms. You’re both trouble for her. We all are.”

  “Elijah, you should come be trouble with me.” The brunette giggled. “Come on, big fella, let’s go dance.”

  “I’m not in a dancing mood tonight, ma’am. I’ve been trying to tell you that for twenty minutes.” Elijah sighed. “You’ll have to find another partner.”

  “You big tease,” she replied and giggled. Then Jasper watched her commit a cardinal sin and take Elijah’s cowboy hat. He saw Elijah stiffen as he looked down at the young woman. She put the hat on her head. “Come dance.”

  He didn’t say anything. Jasper swung a quick glance at Zander who was a bit wide-eyed. One did not ever take Elijah’s hat without asking.

  “You should go,” Elijah told her, not showing any anger or frustration. He took his hat off her head and brushed it off. “I’m not interested.” He ended in a growl, putting his hat back on. She gasped and glared at him before finally walking off.

  “You really know how to pick ‘em.” Zander chuckled, pointing at the retreating back of the young woman.

  “I’ve been telling her no for twenty fucking minutes,” Elijah growled. “I get it, she’s drunk and I’m me, but damn. No means no. Speaking of that. Zander, Sawyer said no, and no means fucking no.”

  Jasper snorted his water at that. Bullseye from the cowboy. Zander turned a little red and looked away.

  “I just want her…” Zander mumbled.

  “Yeah, well, give her a fucking break, will you?” Elijah growled out softly. “I’ve got her talking to Quinn about all of this now, and Quinn’s fucking trying to make the mental leaps to figure it out. On top of that, you two aren’t the only ones in the house who live with permanent hard-ons over her.” Elijah took a deep breath, and before Zander could cut in, he continued. Jasper just leaned back and let it happen. “Vincent’s fucking tied in knots over fucking everything, and I’m not sure how to get his head back on straight. Quinn is attracted to her, but doesn’t know how to approach a… I hate to say this, but a human female. He just doesn’t understand how to handle it. He’s used to simpler ways. So just fucking back off before this fucking goes buck wild on us.”

  “You didn’t include yourself,” Jasper pointed out.

  “Yeah, I find her attractive,” Elijah huffed out, leaning back. “And I’ll be honest, I don’t care who she sleeps with or who she doesn’t. I
really don’t, as long as no one gets hurt. But I’m in charge of this team on the emotional side of things, since Vincent has always been shit at it. I need to keep all of you fools happy, and you’re making it fucking difficult.”

  “I don’t care,” Zander whispered. Jasper turned to him, and Elijah raised his eyebrows. “I don’t. She can…” Zander trailed off, pursing his lips.

  “Ah.” Elijah chuckled. “You think you’re okay, but you can’t even say the words. Tell me, Zander, what would happen if I slept with her and—”

  “I’d fucking kill you,” Zander growled.

  “Exactly.” Elijah groaned. “And you didn’t even let me finish to say, if we both slept with her. I guess it’s different for me because I have Quinn, and we’re both fine finding other partners. I know you’ll ever only be comfortable with Jasper and he’s got his own fucking problems.”

  “You and Quinn aren’t… a relationship?” Jasper asked. Elijah and Quinn were always hard to define. Jasper was going to downright ignore the other implication. He was only half on-board with Zander’s half-cocked plan to win Sawyer over to both of them. They weren’t stupid teenagers anymore. There was more to worry about now.

  “We’re not, but it still changes how I see things.” Elijah chuckled. “Maybe I just spend too much time with Quinn. He thinks we make all of this too complicated.”

  “We’re human. You two are weird,” Zander grumbled, finishing his drink. “I don’t want anyone here. I’m just not into the idea. I want her, and a random hook up just isn’t going to fucking cut it for me. That’s what’s wrong tonight. Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

  “I should have gone out to the woods,” Elijah said, sighing. “Just hung out with the wolves.

  “I’m having a fine time.” Jasper chuckled, looking between them. “A bit of distance is great for me right now. Gives me some clarity.”

  “Shut the fuck up,” Zander snarled.

  “Both of you be quiet. Let’s go to the hotel and just watch porn or something. Or sleep. Sleep is good.” Elijah groaned. He left their booth and Zander followed. Jasper was a bit slower, but he met up with them at the Range Rover.

  “Sleep is good.” Jasper sighed.

  “How is that for you?” Elijah asked him carefully, hauling himself into the passenger seat. Jasper was driving since he was sober and only needed one leg to do that.

  “Hard,” Jasper groaned out.

  “She still having nightmares?” Elijah frowned. He looked back to Zander, but Jasper knew Zander wouldn’t have an answer.

  “Every night…” Jasper sighed. “I’m going to try and convince her to keep a dream journal and use it to talk to a therapist or something… the shit she dreams about? It’s awful. It’s one of the reasons I’m so… I’ve lived through her life now. Every kill, every moment of abuse. None of the fucking happy memories. I would give my fucking other leg for a night where she has normal fucking happy memories.”

  “Don’t you need to go into the dream to get that much?” Zander asked as Jasper drove them to the hotel. “Like, normally when people leak into your dreams, it’s just flashes.”

  “And when she had an inhibitor on, it was just flashes,” Jasper sighed. “But now her magic is completely unrestrained. It’s flashing out of her all night, and I’m getting caught and pulled in completely. I take naps at my desk throughout the day now, just to get enough sleep.”

  “Good luck convincing her to see a professional,” Elijah mumbled. “She’s been strong enough to handle it on her own for a long time. She might be resistant to seeing someone and spilling her secrets to a stranger.”

  “I know,” Jasper whispered. He figured he would need to try and solve the problem first before asking her to let someone else try. “I might look into enchanted dream catchers too. For myself.”

  “Those are expensive.” Elijah sighed. “Need to be made by a Magi with dream walking and enchanting. Good luck finding said Magi.”

  They spent the rest of the drive in silence. Jasper actually had the journal on his desk for her. He would give it to her tomorrow. He made that promise to himself, to give it to her and hope she used it. It wouldn’t help him, but it was the start of progress. In the meantime, he knew what he could talk about that was something not Sawyer.

  “What’s going on with that murder in Texas?” he asked Elijah. Elijah took a deep breath and groaned.

  “It’s a really Anti-Magi area. They aren’t going to ask the WMC to send the IMPO in. Whoever gets sent will need to contend with the fact that they will have resistant locals for the entire thing,” Elijah explained. “It’s going to be us.”

  “Yup!” Zander piped up. “Because fuck us!”

  “Is it definitely a Magi kill?” Jasper continued, firing off another question.

  “It’s definitely a Magi body,” Elijah growled. That made Jasper accidentally hit the brakes a little too hard. “Yeah, now you see the problem. We’ll be going into an Anti-Magi area to find out who killed off a Magi—if it was a murder. Nobody is going to be helpful.”

  “Fuck,” Zander sighed, quieting down in the back.

  That wasn’t good for any of them.

  They parted ways at their rooms, and Jasper tucked himself in for his first restful night of sleep in weeks, nearly months. But sleep didn’t come quickly, even far from Sawyer. The problem with what was going on was now he didn’t know if all the nightmares were hers… or if some were just his own.

  11

  Sawyer

  The next morning, Sawyer’s head still hurt, and her first goal was to find food, water, and any sort of pill to make the pain go away. She stumbled out of her room after getting decent and made it to the kitchen, groaning at the bright lights.

  “Good morning, Sawyer,” Vincent told her softly as she walked in.

  “Good morning, Vincent,” she greeted him with a muttered, half-cranky tone. He held out a glass of water, and she took it without question. She sipped it as he pulled pills down from a cabinet and handed her three. She took them quickly and drained the water. “Thank you.”

  “I was getting myself some as well,” he whispered. “Come here,” he said, looking a little vulnerable.

  She eyed him carefully and stepped into his space where he had an arm open. He wrapped it around her waist and held her for a moment: a hug.

  “There a reason for this?” she inquired, letting him do it. He had his face in her dark, tangled, wild hair. She needed a shower and a strong brush to tame it after the night they had had.

  “I just needed…” He trailed off and released her. “I’m sorry. About all of it.”

  “Vincent.” She sighed. “Let it go.”

  “Have you? Let it all go?” he asked carefully.

  “Most of it,” she answered honestly. “Some of it’s harder than the rest.”

  “I… yeah, I guess you’re right,” Vincent relented. “I thought this would be more awkward. Like very uncomfortable.”

  She had, too, but it didn’t feel that way. This was most comfortable she’d been with him since they had met. She didn’t think it was the sex that got them to this point, though, or the disastrous chess attempt. It was still a bit awkward, but it was now something she could push through. She also wanted to pretend nothing had really changed between them. Too bad last night was… a revelation. Her body had come alive for him, and she already knew he had accidentally stole a piece of her heart through it all. Just a piece, one she had already known had been holding a soft spot for the Italian. A piece was all it took for her, though. She seemed to give them away like candy, to children, Charlie, old friends, and it seemed, new ones.

  “We finally talked,” she suggested, trying not to mention the sex. “Are you feeling better about all of that?” She didn’t really want to talk about the sex unless he brought it up.

  “I am,” Vincent whispered. “I am. Thank you. For listening and… sharing Henry with me for a moment. I didn’t know how much I needed that. And thank you for liste
ning to me… this morning…”

  “I’m sorry again,” she told him, leaning into his side, shoulder to shoulder. “I should have known that it could happen. I actually crossed Italians off my list because of…”

  “That’s why you rejected me the night we met.” Vincent chuckled humorlessly. “Yeah, that makes sense.”

  “Well, that, and I never slept with the other fighters.” Sawyer laughed, then sobered. “Sorry, Vin… about last night. Again.” She felt guilt gnaw at her heart. She’d tried to kill him.

  “Don’t be, not about how you woke up, not about what happened between us. I’m not,” he whispered, looking at her. Her cheeks heated for a moment, and she swallowed, stepping away from him. “But I don’t think it should happen again,” he added gently, looking a bit pained.

  That stung more than it should have. It shouldn’t have stung at all. Sawyer was going to say the same thing, but hearing it from him now, the morning after and sober… it stung a little.

  “And you would be right,” she whispered back, watching Vincent wince. “I’m going to go shower and mentally prepare myself for the hell that’s going to break loose.” Vincent only made a noise in reply. Sawyer still believed he had the easy two team members.

  Then his phone started going off. She stopped and waited for him to answer when he held a hand and frowned.

  “James,” he bit out.

  Silence as Sawyer waited to hear what was going. She jumped up on the counter and kicked her feet around, stealing Vincent’s water to drink it.

  “I’ve got a headache,” Vincent growled. “What do you need?”

  Sawyer caught Texas. Well, that meant she knew what the call was about. This mysterious body out in the middle of fucking nowhere.

  “Tomorrow?” Vincent snapped. “We’re going out tomorrow?” Vincent switched the phone to speaker. “Say that again, James. I have a witness now that will testify in my favor that you drove me mad before I kill you.”