A Heart of Shame

by Kristen Banet

  “I should mention that Elijah knows… about this.” Vincent sighed, looking guilty. “It’s why he was laughing in Dallas.” Sawyer rolled her eyes. “And… yeah, well, if you want to see where things go with him, you can. No one is going to stop you two.”

  Sawyer just laughed. Of course, there was a conversation about her possible sex life and Elijah was a part of it. That fucking pervert.

  They didn’t say much else for the drive. Sawyer was fine with that, enjoying the silence and the resolved feeling in her chest. For once, she felt confident for all the right reasons. She felt confident about her place with the team, and her place in the world. She’d always been arrogant about her skills, but this felt different. This felt like she was right where she belonged, not just hiding and trying to do what she could.

  When they got home, they were the last to arrive. As she slowly moved up to her room, and Vincent headed to his own, she made a quick decision. Something foolish and little girly, but she wanted to do it, reputation and appearance be damned.

  “Vincent?” she called to him before he entered his room. She closed the distance between them and pulled his lips to hers before he could say anything.

  He growled at her, and she loved that his arms wrapped around her. One hand held her hair and the other roamed lower, over the curve of her ass. Their tongues battled for dominance, and Vincent swung them so her back hit the wall, causing his door to rattle next to her.

  She pushed him away after he pressed his erection to her core.

  “I just wanted to say goodnight,” Sawyer chuckled.

  “It doesn’t have to be goodnight,” Vincent murmured against her lips.

  “For now, it does.” Sawyer sighed, remembering she had one more thing she needed to do. “I need to yell at someone tomorrow.”

  “Oh?” Vincent raised an eyebrow at her and began another kiss. When he broke off, he gave her the most wicked grin she’d ever seen. She didn’t know Vincent had that sort of naughty in him. Easy to fall for him, she decided. It was going to be easy. “Is it me?”

  “No.” Sawyer laughed. “It’s Zander, for reasons between Zander and myself. I just don’t think I should have the argument on the back of sleeping with you.”

  “Alright.” Vincent chuckled, giving her one more, quick kiss before backing off. “Good night, Sawyer.”

  “Good night, Vincent,” she said as she moved towards the stairs to her attic room.

  She didn’t have nightmares that night.

  One more argument, Sawyer decided as she hit the new punching bag in the gym. She needed to have one more argument with Zander. It had been brewing since that day on the back porch. It had been brewing since long before that since the moment they had stumbled back into each other’s lives.

  She’d bottled it up the night before. She had been genuinely happy that the guys in her life took the initiative to talk about their own feelings together instead of trying to pull her apart. She’d also been happy that none of them would judge her indecision, and that all of them let her have the time to work out how she felt with who at her own pace. Elijah may have been a part of their deal, but he didn’t immediately use it during the case to try anything, which told her that their friendship was stable and what they both wanted.

  For now. Sawyer could admit, she always did want to know if Elijah could last the full ride like any good cowboy should.

  “Hey, babe, you wanted to talk?” Zander asked as he approached. She’d missed him entering the gym, preoccupied with her thoughts on Elijah’s possible skills in bed. She’d had a taste of them, and they had taunted and tormented her for a long time now.

  She shook her head minutely to clear her thoughts and pull them away from cowboys and rough riding.

  “I did. Spar with me,” she commanded, walking over to the mats next to the mirrored wall. Zander shrugged and followed, grinning as she pulled off her sweaty shirt. Sawyer was wearing a sports bra and didn’t think much of it. They had all seen her in her underwear before, at various points. A sports bra was something she normally wore to work out in.

  “Who’s going to call time?” Zander chuckled as he pulled his shirt off. Sawyer took a minute to appreciate the cut form of her red-headed pain in her ass. She didn’t like how much she enjoyed those stupid revolvers on that stupid V.

  “We don’t need it,” Sawyer told him. “Let’s do this.”

  “Not much of a talk.” Zander laughed as he came towards her.

  He took a swing, and she ducked, sending a jab towards his gut. He backed away several steps with a groan.

  “Well damn, Sawyer,” Zander growled. “Not pulling the punches today, huh?”

  “No. Because this is our talk. You need your ass put on the mat for some shit,” Sawyer snapped.

  “Like what?” Zander snarled, glaring at her.

  “For trying to dictate and be an ass over who I sleep with,” Sawyer hissed. “For trying to own me, when all I asked for was time.”

  “If that’s the problem, then fine.” Zander groaned. “Let’s fucking do this, but I swear, it’s not going to be my ass on the mat this time. Sawyer, I care too damn much for you to just have you here and not be with you.”

  “I don’t fucking care that you want us to be together,” Sawyer snarled, throwing a punch that Zander blocked. He sent a kick out and Sawyer, in her anger, didn’t dodge in time. She gave a grunt and nodded slowly. Thank God. She needed this. “I care that you demand it.”

  “Forgive me,” Zander grumbled, “for expecting the girl I love to love me back.”

  “Better ways of making that happen, asshole,” Sawyer spat.

  They sparred hard. Every time one of them hit the mat, they were back up.

  It had always been a war between them. Sawyer knew it. There would always be tempers and fights. And with Zander, she wouldn’t have it any other way.

  She just wanted to make her point now, before she crawled back into bed and gave this whole relationship thing a chance. She was going to remind Zander that it damn sure wasn’t his place to open his fucking mouth about her body.

  Minutes later, he caught one of her swings and yanked her into his body.

  “You know why I’m mad at you?” Zander snarled. “You really want to know?”

  “Sure,” Sawyer snarled back.

  “I won’t let you toss me aside like she did,” Zander hissed.

  Then he kissed her.

  Thing about temper and anger? It normally came from passion.

  Sawyer growled at the kiss, pushing him away.

  “I am not your fucking slut mother,” Sawyer warned, feeling violent at the comparison. “Don’t ever think I am.”

  Then she attacked him, closing the distance and yanking him back down to her mouth by his hair. He hooked a leg behind hers and pulled, causing them both to fall to the mat.

  The kiss broke as he grabbed her arms and removed her hands from his hair.

  “I can’t function thinking you might choose someone over me, like she did.” Zander growled. “We have something, Sawyer.”

  “A lot of fucking problems,” Sawyer reminded him, “that’s what we have.” She wanted all of them. She pushed up with her legs and bucked him off her, sending him to the side. While he was stunned from the move, she rolled over and climbed on top of him, straddling his waist. “One of them being that you say shit before you fucking think, Zander. I’m real fucking happy you decided to let Vincent and I give something a shot. Really. That was fucking nice of you.” Her tone dripped with sarcasm.

  He grabbed her hips and pushed his own up. That’s when she noticed he was hard as steel, and she liked that. She glared at him, and he glared back.

  “Fine,” Zander growled. “I’m sorry.”

  “Do you fucking mean that?” Sawyer asked furiously.

  “No.” Zander glowered, rolling them back over, Sawyer’s back slamming into the mat, again.

  The kiss they shared was fire and temper. All the anger and passion they both
could muster. She dug her nails into his back.

  “I’ll mean it later,” he groaned against her mouth, grinding against her. “Don’t try to ignore me again.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t take your past into account,” Sawyer growled, pushing her own hips up to give him a better angle.

  “Do you mean it?” Zander asked, moving to kiss her again.

  “I’ll mean it later,” she whispered as their lips met. He growled in frustration that she wasn’t going to bend just yet, either. They would stay angry at each other until after this.

  She would mean her apology once she took out her anger on his body and vice versa.

  She shoved his shorts down and took his cock in her hand, giving it a firm stroke, feeling something she hadn’t expected. His cock was pierced, holy shit. He had three steps in a Jacob’s Ladder and a Prince Albert. He gave a mix of a growl and a moan back to her. He sat back on his knees and pulled her sweatpants off, throwing them to the side. She sat up and kissed him, then pushed him back on his ass.

  She pulled her black boy shorts off and she crawled over him. Everything was frantic, one-handed and trying to get clothing off as fast as possible. He ripped her sports bra and that went somewhere else, ruined.

  She put her hands on his chest to hold him down as she slid her folds on his cock. She moaned as she let him line it up, so she could sink down on it. The piercings were a new sensation that she relished. The steel balls of those delicious piercings added a whole new sort of pleasure to riding a cock.

  He held her hips hard enough to bruise as she rode him. She looked up from his face and realized she was facing the mirror. Her dark eyes were wild, her hair everywhere. They both glistened with sweat. Her caramel skin was so different from his pale freckled body.

  He thrust up into her hard and fast, breaking her momentary stare-off with the mirror. She screamed as they took each other hard and fast. She kept trying to hold him down, to stay in charge and on top. He was fucking upwards hard enough to buck her off.

  Her climax was an avalanche that took her under. It also melted her anger. She panted as he kept going, grunting as she slowed down.

  “No more fight?” Zander growled, rolling them over.

  “No,” Sawyer moaned, and he shoved deep into her at the new angle. He kissed her then pulled out.

  “Roll over,” he groaned into her ear.

  She did and let him slide into her from behind. She looked back into the mirror and met his green eyes. Leaned over further, pushing him deep, thrusting hard. Their eyes stayed locked together, lost in each other.

  “Don’t look away from me,” he growled in her ear. “Fucking hell, Sawyer, I love your eyes, so don’t look away.”

  “Oh, God, Zander,” she gasped as he drove her toward a second climax, coming closer and closer with each thrust. “Oh, God.”

  “I’m not God,” he snarled, pounding harder. She felt one of his hands travel down her front to rub her clit as hard as he was fucking her.

  “Zander!” she screamed out, letting the second orgasm crash through her. The sweet pleasure of release had her eyes closing, had her arms and legs shaking.

  “I love you,” he groaned, his mouth still pressed against her ear. She would ignore that this time. She knew he did. She knew, deep in her heart, that he did. She just didn’t have the courage yet to say it back. She would one day, and hearing him say it, deep in the throes of sex, she still took him seriously. And she accepted it. She would accept his love instead of running from it.

  She felt him shake, felt his cock give a jump as he thrust one last time into her. Hot and final, he came in her.

  He pulled out of her and she collapsed to the mat, satisfied. That was what she had wanted. All of that.

  She laid on her stomach as he rolled onto his back next to her. There was a long stretch of silence as they both worked to catch their breath. He rolled onto his side and looked at her. She stared back, enjoying the happiness she saw there.

  They had needed this argument, Sawyer knew. Sure, they could have talked it out and everything would have been fine but this…this was purely for them. A reminder that sometimes, things didn’t change so much. They still had the passion and temper in them that always made their friendship interesting, and now it would make their possible relationship interesting.

  “Do you mean it?” she asked, smiling at him.

  “I do,” Zander responded. “Be with whoever you want, Sawyer. If you don’t want me, just tell me. Don’t ignore me, or throw me away without a reason, though. Don’t play me. I’ve only ever wanted to settle down with you, and I couldn’t…”

  “I won’t” Sawyer whispered, moving to kiss him. “I’m sorry I made you feel like I would ever do that to you. I just needed more time, truly. I needed to realize that…”

  “That you’re good enough? Always,” Zander growled before deepening the kiss. “You’ll always be good enough and more. Too good for me.”

  “Sure.” Sawyer chuckled. “Denial for everyone.” It was joke and thankfully got a laugh out of Zander and another kiss for her.

  “Let’s get off this mat and clean up,” Zander groaned after they finally needed to breathe again. “And try and get dressed before someone finally comes to check on us.”

  They cleaned up quickly. Sawyer didn’t bother putting her underwear back on, just slid her sweats up. She took a minute to really relish the sight of Zander wiping and mopping the mats in the nude. Beautiful and bad Zander. Those were the two words she would use for her redhead punk. He had enough ink that it seemed criminal, and those piercings had done wonders for her.

  “Enjoying the view?” Zander teased as he went for his shorts. She sighed as he pulled them on.

  “I was,” she admitted. “Let’s find something to eat. It’s lunch time, right?”

  “Yeah,” Zander chuckled, finding his phone to check.

  They wandered upstairs and found Vincent and Jasper mumbling over some papers. Elijah was kicked back, his boots on the table, as he took a bite of a sandwich. Sawyer stole it and took a bite for herself.

  “Well, good afternoon to you, too, little lady,” Elijah chuckled. “Now, give me my fucking sandwich back.”

  “Go make me one,” Sawyer said after swallowing the bite she took. She gave a pause and smiled down at him. “Please.”

  “I got it,” Zander called, wandering into the kitchen. Elijah looked towards the kitchen and back at Sawyer, raising an eyebrow. She shrugged at the cowboy. There wasn’t anything to say.

  “Have that argument?” Vincent asked, looking up with a smile.

  “Yup.” Sawyer pulled out a chair and sat down. “So… what’s next?”

  “You like that question,” Elijah noted, pulling his feet off the table, “and nothing. Same as last time, we chill.”

  “Not quite.” Vincent sighed. “It’s nothing serious and might not be for a couple of weeks, but the IMPO might call us up to New York for a review.”

  “Seriously?” Zander groaned indignantly as he walked back in and dropped a boxed salad in front of Sawyer.

  “This is not a sandwich,” she pointed out to him.

  “I know you like salads more,” Zander mumbled, sitting down next to Jasper. She watched a blush creep up his neck.

  That was kind of sweet, actually.

  “Thanks,” Sawyer chuckled. “I didn’t know we had salad makings.”

  “While we were gone, Ms. Estella Helen came back around and stocked up the fridge. We left her a note with stuff you like,” Elijah chuckled. “She’ll be coming back now that we’re a little more settled with you around. I’m tired of doing all the laundry.”

  “Good to know,” Sawyer muttered half distracted as she took a bite of her salad. “So, what’s a review?”

  “After cases, we’ll get called up to New York sometimes just to catch up with the higher ups, see how we’re doing. We, as you’ve learned, deal with some rough stuff,” Jasper educated her. “Vincent and I realized it’s been th
ree cases since we got called up to do it, and now we have you.”

  “They’ll call, it’s only a matter of time,” Vincent cut in. “They will want to know how you did and felt during the case. It’s part good and bad, since it really is for our health that they do it, but they will also be looking at you to make sure you’re not going to go rogue after this.”

  “So, it’s part ‘am I okay’ and part ‘am I still a bad guy’?” Sawyer frowned,

  “Yeah,” Vincent mumbled, looking down. “And it actually comes at a pretty bad time.”

  “Oh?” Sawyer raised an eyebrow.

  “If they learn you’ve slept with, are sleeping with, or will sleep with us, they will remove you from the team,” Jasper reminded her softly.

  Sawyer felt her heart take a large thump then stop for a moment.

  Well, that is a problem.

  “A problem for tomorrow,” Elijah said to her. She must have spoken out loud, since his hazel eyes were pinning her to her chair. “Or the day after, since I might want to be your problem tomorrow. And we can keep a secret.” He threw a wink in at the end that made her smile.

  “Pervert,” she teased.

  “Always.” Elijah chuckled.

  “Where’s Quinn?” she asked, dropping the subject of Elijah’s perversion before it escalated.

  “He always hangs in the woods for a few days when we get home. He needs to really reconnect with his land and get comfortable again,” Elijah told her, not pressing the flirtation.

  “Good to know. I’ll stay out of his space, then.” Sawyer groaned as she stood up. The post-sex soreness was setting in. “I’m going to shower and take a nap, or study or something.”

  They gave her a myriad of affirmatives and goodbyes. She moved slowly and when she got to the bathroom, she used the door instead of wasting her magic. Play time for having her magic back was over. She could spare a moment to use the door. No rush.

  When the shower was done, she went upstairs and looked at her box of photos.

  She couldn’t wait to add some from this new chapter of her life. She wanted all of them to join the ranks of everything else she had ever held dear to her heart. She needed to get new photos of Jasper and Zander. She needed to get any photos of Quinn, Elijah, Vincent.