The Armchair Detective and the Castle of Mandrake Part Two: Series Two

by Ian Shimwell

  OLD TOM: And did anything unusual happen during dinner?

  TRENCH: No, not really – only that Sade took a strange exception to a painting of hunting dogs.

  (Suddenly there is a roar of thunder, a gale-force wind flings the balcony windows open and the driving rain sweeps inside.)

  OLD TOM: We are in the middle of a growing storm, Trench.

  TRENCH: Maybe, but I can at least shut it out.

  (TRENCH goes over to the window and firmly closes it. Although quietened, the raging storm can still clearly be heard.)

  TRENCH: We have another visitor. Another horse and carriage has stopped by the main entrance.

  OLD TOM: The main players have settled into their roles – it is the appointed time for him to make his dramatic entrance.

  TRENCH: You don’t mean..?

  OLD TOM: Yes, Mandrake has arrived.

  (A longer piece of mystery music indicates the end of Act One.)

  Act Two

  (TRENCH is walking down the stone steps.)

  DEBSY: ` Ah Trench, there you are. Where’ve you been all this time?

  TRENCH: I was just having a chat with…

  DEBSY: You’ll never guess who’s joined us.

  TRENCH: As a matter of fact, I can. Mein host has entered the fray – well, am I right?

  DEBSY: For once, yes. Well, are you going to join us for after-dinner drinks or would you prefer to skulk about on stone steps all night?

  TRENCH: Hmm, now let me think… Tell you what, I think I’ll choose after-dinner drinks, now you come to mention it.

  DEBSY: Hurray for that. They’re all in the drawing room, come on.

  TRENCH: I’m right behind you.

  (They walk into the drawing room. Warm conversations can be heard and the clinking of glasses, as drinks are consumed.)

  TRENCH: Now, where is he? Ah, that must be him by the window.

  DEBSY: Minus his green hat this time.

  TRENCH: An imposing figure who is staring at me. Debsy, why is he staring at me?

  (MANDRAKE walks over.)

  MANDRAKE: (His voice is rich and velvety, yet sickly at the same time.) Trench, I presume – I am obliged you finally saw fit to join us. I am Mandrake.

  TRENCH: I was just saying to Debsy here, oh she’s gone err circulating – but I was saying we should thank our host for such a marvellous dinner. Thank-you for such a…

  MANDRAKE: Where is Thomas?

  TRENCH: Thomas..? You mean at this moment? He’s upstairs chewing on a lobster I imagine.

  MANDRAKE: So, my old friend is not joining the party?

  TRENCH: It doesn’t look like it.

  MANDRAKE: I would describe that behaviour as unsociable, but never mind. A brandy, Trench?

  TRENCH: Err, yes – straight.

  MANDRAKE: Good choice. It is always best to drink one’s spirits neat – gives them an edge… Butler.

  (The Butler dispenses their drinks of brandy from a glorious crystal glass decanter.)

  TRENCH: Cheers, Mandrake.

  (They clink their glasses. MANDRAKE downs his in one and throws his glass into the roaring, open fire.)

  TRENCH: A waste of a fine brandy glass, but when in Rome.

  (TRENCH throws his empty glass into the fire.)

  MANDRAKE: Trench, I sincerely hope your weekend here is a truly unforgettable one. If you require any help or assistance, do not hesitate to contact Marlowe or one of the servants. In the meantime, if you will excuse me…

  TRENCH: Of course. (MANDRAKE moves away.) Now, who should I bother next? Ah, Rhet – you were deep in conversation with Marlowe, did you sell him a car or what?

  RHET: No, I don’t deal in four-wheel drives – so I couldn’t help him.

  TRENCH: So, is Rhet your real name – or is it as dodgy as your car dealings?

  RHET: Now, now. Believe it or not, Rhet and Sade are our genuine names and before you ask, no we’re not seeing each other.

  TRENCH: Real names eh? I suppose it proves Mandrake is nothing if not thorough.

  RHET: If it’s any consolation we only took on the job of, shall we say, slightly misleading you, only on the condition that nobody would be hurt.

  TRENCH: But people can be hurt in all sorts of different ways… Where did he err… recruit you from?

  RHET: From the local amateur dramatics society.

  TRENCH: Ah, that explains the performance.

  RHET: Hey, it wasn’t that bad.

  TRENCH: I think your recent employer is calling you over, Rhet. (RHET leaves TRENCH.) Marlowe, so what delights do you have planned for us tomorrow?

  MARLOWE: Master has decreed that we shall all partake in the honourable tradition of fox hunting. Good sport, and it’ll give the dogs a damned good run out.

  TRENCH: Fox hunting? I thought that was illegal.

  MARLOWE: So is driving through a red light, but people do it. And besides, in a secure and sprawling estate such as this, who’s going to know?

  TRENCH: You have a point there.

  MARLOWE: Trench, you must have another brandy.

  TRENCH: I think I’ll pass actually – the taste was just a bit too rich, or was that bitter?

  MARLOWE: But master is nodding at me.

  TRENCH: Meaning?

  MARLOWE: Meaning that master insists you have another drink.

  TRENCH: Does he now? All right, I’ll force myself – but on the condition I don’t have to throw my glass into the log fire.

  MARLOWE: As you wish. Butler, fetch that tray of drinks. Trench, help yourself to a brandy.

  TRENCH: Err… obliged, Marlowe.

  (TRENCH drinks his brandy.)

  MARLOWE: Butler, wait there. Our guest wishes to return his glass to the tray. (TRENCH places his empty glass on the tray.) Dismissed, Butler.

  TRENCH: Excuse me, Sade appears to be on her own – I’ll just have a chat.

  (TRENCH goes over to SADE.)

  TRENCH: You’re looking lovely tonight, Sade.

  SADE: You really think so?

  TRENCH: Come on, you can drop the act now – Rhet has told me all about the amateur dramatics.

  SADE: That may have been an act – but this is the real me. And I’m sorry if I mislead you, Trench – but I kind of like you, really…

  TRENCH: That’s odd.

  SADE: What?

  TRENCH: The wrist band you’re wearing simply doesn’t go with the rest of your elegant outfit. Sorry, but it just had to be said.

  SADE: I’m sorry you don’t like it.

  TRENCH: Mind you, this place is that remote, I don’t think the fashion police will bother you out here.

  SADE: (Who laughs slightly but is then serious.) Trench, I don’t quite know why, but I do feel uncomfortable here.

  TRENCH: Don’t worry about the storm outside, it’ll probably pass by tomorrow.

  SADE: I have a room of my own. Please, please Trench spend the night with me..?

  DEBSY: Unlucky darling. Trench is spoken for – and he’s sleeping in my room. And it’s time we went to bed, so goodnight Sade. Come along, Trench.

  TRENCH: Sorry Sade, she’s just so bossy. Goodnight everyone.

  (Classical music changes the scene.)

  TRENCH: Nice black nightdress, Debsy – it’s a bit long though.

  DEBSY: And your jim-jams are pure sex!

  TRENCH: Can I ask you something?

  DEBSY: Fire away, darling.

  TRENCH: Why did you kind of see Sade off? I know you don’t like her, but was it necessary? Do you want me for yourself or something?

  DEBSY: You flatter yourself. How much do we really know about Sade or Rhet come to that? They’ve pulled the wool over our eyes once…

  TRENCH: You think Sade might have been some sort of trap?

  DEBSY: A honey trap, maybe. Mind you, Sade did seem, well… sad.

  TRENCH: A honey trap? Would Mandrake stoop so low?

  DEBSY: I’m not sure, but I know you would!

  TRENCH: Well, what are we going to do about slee
ping arrangements tonight? I would offer to sleep on the floor, but with this being a castle it’s very cold and stony.

  DEBSY: In that case, I think we should be all grown-up about this. I will stick to my side of the bed – and you stick to yours. Surely we can keep our hands off each other for one night?

  TRENCH: I’m not sure…

  DEBSY: Come on. Tell you what – I promise I won’t even kiss you goodnight.

  TRENCH: Oh, all right then – I’ll give it a go.

  (DEBSY and TRENCH climb into bed. There is a moment of awkward silence.)

  DEBSY: Err, it might help if you actually turn the light off.

  TRENCH: Oh yeah.

  (TRENCH pulls the cord, which turns the light off.)

  DEBSY: Ooh, it’s freezing. These castles are dreadfully draughty. Can you at least give me a cuddle to warm me up?

  TRENCH: As long as you behave.

  DEBSY: Promise.

  (They cuddle.)

  DEBSY: You know the real reason I ‘saw off Sade’, don’t you?

  TRENCH: Err, Debsy – you are starting to stroke my thighs and your hand is travelling in an upwards direction.

  DEBSY: You’re a man, I’m a woman – why not grasp this opportunity?

  TRENCH: What happened to all our good intentions?

  DEBSY: They went out with the lights?

  TRENCH: Debsy, if you do that again – I’m going to have to respond.

  DEBSY: Then start responding…

  (We hear them kissing. Seductive music slowly fades into the sound of the worsening storm. The thunder rolls and the torrential rain becomes stronger… Lighter music indicates the start of a new day and we hear a cock crowing.)

  DEBSY: Good morning, Trench.

  TRENCH: (Who’s very tired.) Is it? It wasn’t a dream then, was it?

  DEBSY: Oh, come on. At least I kept my promise – I didn’t actually kiss you goodnight.

  TRENCH: Yep, but that was about the only thing you didn’t kiss!

  DEBSY: Right, now close your eyes and don’t open them until I’m in the bathroom.

  TRENCH: But we’ve… I’ve… Oh, I don’t know – unbelievable.

  (Slightly humorous music moves things along.)

  (TRENCH places his knife and fork on his now empty plate.)

  TRENCH: Now, that’s what I call a hearty breakfast.

  DEBSY: (Says in a hushed voice so only TRENCH can hear:) You deserve it, after last night.

  RHET: So, did you two have a good night?

  DEBSY: Yes, I suppose we did.

  TRENCH: We had a good night’s sleep, if that’s what you mean, Rhet.

  DEBSY: (Says quietly again:) Spoilsport!

  SADE: I slept alone, in my own room.

  DEBSY: Bully for you, Sade.

  (MARLOWE enters the dining room.)

  MARLOWE: Master has summoned you all presently to the reception hall. Once there, he will extrapolate details of today’s main activity.

  DEBSY: Wonderful.

  (They all get up and wander into the reception hall, where MANDRAKE is waiting for them.)

  MANDRAKE: Gather round, children – apologies, my little joke.

  TRENCH: Hilarious, Mandrake.

  MANDRAKE: I’m glad you appreciated it, Trench. As you no doubt can hear, the worsening storm has regrettably forced me to abandon plans for a day’s fox hunting. My eager yet disappointed hounds will have to remain in their kennels.

  TRENCH: Are you all right, Sade – you seemed to nearly faint then.

  SADE: I’m OK. I’m just relieved at having at having not to face those horrible, slavering dogs.

  DEBSY: Shh, I can’t hear Mandrake properly.

  TRENCH: That’s us told.

  MANDRAKE: So, instead we shall go hunting inside my castle.

  RHET: But that’s not possible.

  MANDRAKE: On the contrary, Rhet. Watch. Marlowe, if you please.

  MARLOWE: Master.

  RHET: But that’s just a covered cage, you couldn’t possibly fit a fox in there.

  MANDRAKE: Remove the cover.

  MARLOWE: As you wish.

  (MARLOWE removes the cover to astonished gasps.)

  DEBSY: It’s a rat!

  MANDRAKE: Correct, Debsy. In a moment, I will set this rat free. All the outer doors and windows have been closed and locked, Marlowe?

  MARLOWE: I have personally checked them myself, master. Nothing could escape from Castle Mandrake – not even a rat.

  MANDRAKE: Once I have unleashed our furry friend, we will all count to a hundred seconds and then the first team to catch the rat will be declared the winner.

  TRENCH: Team?

  MANDRAKE: Yes, I propose to split us into three teams . Trench, you will partner Sade. Rhet, you shall take Debsy – and myself and Marlowe will make up the remaining team.

  DEBSY: How exciting.

  RHET: It’s different, Mandrake – I’ll give you that.

  MANDRAKE; One more thing, I cannot abide cheats. Anybody attempting to trap or entice the rat with food or other unfair means will be disqualified and thrown out into the storm.

  SADE: Charming.

  MANDRAKE: Let the games begin.

  (MANDRAKE opens the cage. The rat scurries out to startled cries. Chase-style music ends this scene.)

  (There is now a montage of music and mayhem. We can hear cries such as: DEBSY: It’s under the bureau! RHET: Damn, you dirty rat! SADE: It went flying up the steps. TRENCH: I nearly had it. MANDRAKE: We shall flush rat out. MARLOWE: Excellent idea, master. We hear plenty of running up and down steps – and chasing and scurrying.)

  RHET: I’ve got it!

  DEBSY: We’ve won!

  SADE: It’s not fair.

  TRENCH: I know, I grabbed hold of its tail – but it bit me!

  DEBSY: Serves you right, Trench.

  TRENCH: How did you catch it?

  DEBSY: I screamed, it scurried from under the sofa, I mean suite, and reliable Rhet was ready to pounce.

  RHET: One caught rat, Mandrake.

  MANDRAKE: Congratulations Rhet and Debsy – I declare you the winners.

  MARLOWE: Bravo, sir and madam.

  MANDRAKE: Now, kill it, Marlowe. Ouch! The blighter’s bit me.

  TRENCH: And escaped again…

  MANDRAKE: No matter – we will leave Marlowe and the servants to re-catch rat. There is now a rest period before luncheon. Please, you are dismissed.

  DEBSY: So, Trenny – what do we do now?

  TRENCH: Rest? As the man said.

  DEBSY: Really?

  TRENCH: Yes, you relax. I’ll see you in a bit. I’m just going to have a chat with Old Tom.

  DEBSY: Trench, oh never mind – I’ll tell you later.

  (TRENCH leaves the others and walks up the stone steps, and then the spiral steps. He knocks on OLD TOM’s door.)

  MANDRAKE: Come in, young man, the door is open.

  TRENCH: What the? (TRENCH opens the door and quickly goes inside.) Mandrake, what are you doing here?

  MANDRAKE: I’m just having a chat with my old friend, Thomas. You don’t begrudge me that, do you?

  OLD TOM: It’s all right, Trench – it really is.

  TRENCH: But how did you get up here so quickly? I left you in the drawing room, Mandrake.

  MANDRAKE: Am I expected to answer this question?

  TRENCH: Old Tom, how did he enter this room?

  OLD TOM: I confess to have nodded off. I awoke to the dubious pleasure of Mandrake staring at me, so I can’t say how he came in.

  MANDRAKE: What does it matter, anyway? Thomas and I have a lifetime to catch up on. Experiences to share and old scores to settle…

  TRENCH: Now about that Mandrake, do you think it’s really fait to bear a grudge from so long ago?

  MANDRAKE: Bearing a grudge? Nothing could be further from my mind. The tragedy that you caused, Thomas has drifted into… oblivion. This is the purpose of the weekend – to let bygones be bygones; to build new bridges with old and new friends…

/>   OLD TOM: So, what was all that about, the cloaked stranger-Rhet-following Trench?

  MANDRAKE: Oh, that was simply an amusement for old time’s sake. A precursor to the main event…

  OLD TOM: That, Mandrake, is what worries me.

  MANDRAKE: An Englishman’s home is his castle, wouldn’t you say?

  OLD TOM: Particularly, in your case.

  MANDRAKE: And you, Thomas, are sat in my armchair.

  TRENCH: Where’s this leading, Mandrake?

  MANDRAKE: I am simply advising you both to accept my generous hospitality, or…

  TRENCH: Or what?

  OLD TOM: We do accept your hospitality, in the spirit it is offered.

  MANDRAKE: Watch yourself and your friends, Thomas. If you will excuse me.

  (MANDRAKE leaves the room by the door.)

  OLD TOM: I’m glad he’s gone.

  TRENCH: Have you been reading, Old Tom?

  OLD TOM: Oh, the bookcase behind me – no, I haven’t really had the time. All the classics are there, though.

  TRENCH: Mandrake was implying the threat may be to me or Debsy?

  OLD TOM: I suspect so – just be careful. Mandrake is capable of manipulating you both without you even knowing it.

  TRENCH: I must protect Debsy.

  OLD TOM: I will not pry, but the statement suggests your relationship has deepened..?

  TRENCH: I just can’t stand the thought of anything happening to her.

  (A that moment, we hear a blood-curdling scream.)

  TRENCH: Debsy!

  (The rain and the thunder fade into a longer piece of mystery music which indicates the end of Act Two.)

  Act Three

  (Almost breathless, TRENCH bursts into the drawing room.)

  TRENCH: Debsy.

  (TRENCH is greeted with convivial laughter.)

  TRENCH: Debsy, what’s happened – you screamed?

  DEBSY: (Who’s laughing.) I know, I’m sorry – you see I thought the rat was attacking me and… you won’t believe this. (She sinks into more laughter.)

  RHET: It was hilarious, Trench.

  SADE: You do look worried, though.

  MANDRAKE: Allow me to take up the story – and I apologise Trench, it was all my fault. Debsy here, thought rat was lunging for her throat and naturally screamed but, I’m almost ashamed to say, it was only this glove puppet on my wrist that just so happens to look like a rat which caused all the commotion.