Missing Rose

by Linda Newbery

  Anna put down her stick and started to cry, quietly sobbing at first, then letting her voice rise. Mum would hear from indoors if she wailed loudly enough.

  At once Rose was off the swing, crouching beside her. Her arms went round Anna, cuddling. ‘Anna! Annie! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you, honest. It didn’t really happen. It’s just a story.’ She sounded frightened, and Anna knew why: if Mum came up the garden to see what the crying was for, and Anna told her, Rose would be in trouble.

  ‘Don’t cry, please,’ she begged.

  Even at nine, Anna knew how to make the best of a winning hand. She sniffed pitifully. ‘All right. If you come and read me a story at bedtime. A nice one. Not like that.’

  ‘Of course I will. I’m sorry, sorry.’ Rose’s mouth was against Anna’s hair as they rocked together. Her hair fell around them like a tent.

  At tea time, when Dad came home, Rose couldn’t eat her pudding. They were having jam sponge with custard, usually her favourite, but she was only pushing it round her plate and trying to hide it under her spoon.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ Mum asked. ‘Have you been eating sweets?’

  ‘No,’ Rose said pathetically. ‘I’m just not hungry.’

  Anna knew why she couldn’t eat it. It had red jam sauce and Rose was thinking of that stuff that came out of Piggy’s head. Anna was eating hers up without any trouble, because she knew the stuff that came out was like rice pudding, not like this yellow sponge. She scraped her bowl, keeping a careful watch on Rose’s. If Rose didn’t want it, it oughtn’t to be wasted.

  At bedtime Rose read Anna a story about a girl who turned into a seal, and left her mother and father to swim out to sea with the other seals, her real family. Rose read stories much better than Mum or Dad did. She read them in a quiet voice that made you listen, and she believed in them; you could tell by the way her eyes went swimmy.

  Much later, Anna heard her screaming from the depths of a nightmare, and Mum’s feet hurrying along to her room.

  8

  Sandy, 1966

  Roland was their father’s favoured one; Sandy couldn’t remember a time when she hadn’t thought that. He had come first. He was a boy. In the album there was a photograph of his christening: the new family posed in the garden, her mother seated, the white-swathed baby in her arms, her father standing behind. What struck Sandy about this picture was her parents’ almost identical smiles, inviting the world to share their good fortune. Look – look what we’ve done. This is what we’ve dreamed about, and now here he is, made flesh.

  The war had ended five years before Sandy was born, but there was so much reminiscing about air-raids, gas masks and rationing that she felt it had only just slipped from sight. She knew her parents’ war stories: how they’d met in 1943, on a bomber base in Lincolnshire; it was quite romantic, as recounted by her mother. Dad had been in Bomber Command, flying Lancasters; Mum was a WAAF typist. They met at a dance, fell in love; there was a photo of them, Douglas and Patsy, both smart and correct in their best blue, her arm curled round his. They dreamed that Douglas would come through the terrible dangers of flak and fighters that faced him several times each week, and that one day, when the war was over, a shared future would be their reward: a wedding, a home of their own, a baby. A son. Sandy knew without anyone telling her that her father had specially wanted a son.

  Turning the album pages brought her to her own photograph, with Cassandra’s Christening printed underneath in white, on the thick grey page. There she lay, alone on satiny cushions, in the same white dress Roland had worn, her eyes gazing soulfully away from the camera. There were pictures of Roland and herself together as they grew up: on beach holidays, or in school uniform. But it was to Roland’s christening and babyhood that her eyes were always drawn. They didn’t have me, then. They were happy without me, before I existed.

  She didn’t hold it against Roland, though, that he’d come first. He was her hero, her pride, her friend and her enemy, her supporter, critic and confidant. At eighteen he was tall and lean, thin-faced, with thick dark hair that fell to his collar – like a girl’s, their father said disparagingly. Several of the girls in Sandy’s form were silly about Roland, eyeing him at the bus stop as he waited with other sixth-form boys. Her mother had always said that there was something about men in uniform, joking that it was Dad’s RAF blue that had attracted her. Yes, Sandy could see the uniform thing when she looked at Roland, and more particularly at his best friend, Phil Goss. They wore their school blazers, ties and white shirts under sufferance, yet there was a sort of disciplined grace about them; in their Cuban heels and narrow trousers they were as tall and leggy as racing colts. Out of school hours, with two other friends, Roland and Phil were the Merlins, enclosed in the special bond that held them and the music they made. Then, they had another kind of beauty: raw, thrilling and suggestive. Especially Phil.

  Coming second, and being a girl, had its compensations. Roland was the one who carried the expectations of their parents, especially their father. Roland was one of the brightest students in his year, expected to sail through A-Levels and get a place at Oxford to read mathematics. This had been planned for so long that everyone took for granted that it was Roland’s ambition, rather than their father’s.

  Roland, Cassandra: romantic names, suggesting myth and high drama. They had been chosen by Mum, who once told the children that their father had favoured David and Susan. At infant and junior schools Sandy had liked her unusual, important-sounding name and was glad she wasn’t Susan, of which there were three in her class. But when she reached secondary school, Cassandra sounded hopelessly old-fashioned, even prissy, and she made herself known as Sandy.

  Like Roland, she passed the 11-plus and went to grammar school – in her case the rather unambitious St Clare’s, whose girls were aimed at secretarial jobs or positions in the armed forces, only a minority going on to university. Careers advice was limited, with the assumption that the girls would be trained as assistants to male bosses. Sandy accepted this, imagining herself poised and sophisticated, hair in a cool chignon, typing letters and managing her boss’s appointments diary. She would go to college and learn shorthand-typing and filing and how to answer the telephone. None of this excited her, but it would be a passport to London, to the fashionable streets and trendy shops; it would provide money to spend on clothes and outings. ‘It’s a good grounding for a girl, shorthand and typing,’ her mother told her. ‘You can work anywhere, with those skills. And you can always go back to work part-time when you’ve had children.’

  By the fifth form, when the era of Swinging London asserted itself with intoxicating energy, all this felt dull and unenterprising. Sandy began going around, in school and out, with Elaine, who had recently joined the form. Elaine was chestnut-haired and striking, with an air of worldliness and independence. Not only had she been out with boys, but she was more fashion-conscious than anyone Sandy knew; she usually had a magazine in her bag, scorning Jackie, Sandy’s choice until then, in favour of the more sophisticated Honey. At breaks and lunch times they pored over the problem pages, Elaine taking a lofty attitude towards the naivety of the letter-writers; they studied hints on hair, make-up and skin care, and absorbed fashion details. Merely to know names like Biba and Mary Quant, to use them casually in conversation, brought the colourful, carefree magazine lives within reach.

  Their school skirts became progressively shorter, and they wore slingbacks with stacked heels instead of the regulation lace-ups or bar shoes. Soon only the frumpiest and most biddable girls wore knee-length skirts and sensible shoes. Their form teacher threatened lines and detentions, but had little power. According to Elaine, Miss Thompson was a frustrated spinster. Rumour said that she’d been engaged during the war but that her fiancé was killed in the D-Day landings. This impressed Sandy, but Elaine was dismissive: ‘It happened all the time. She’ll never find anyone now, not at her age.’ Miss Thompson, Sandy estimated, must be around Mum’s age, over forty, in
variably dressed in dowdy two-pieces and porridge-coloured stockings. ‘No wonder she’s jealous,’ Elaine said, with a toss of her abundant hair.

  Hair was another point of contention. Long hair must be plaited or worn in a ponytail, the rules said. Rather proud of the length of hers, Sandy had at first worn it in two plaits, but only the first-formers did that, looking like sweet little Swiss girls. The current mode was for long straight hair falling like curtains from a central parting. Even St Clare’s had to move with the times, and some of the younger teachers now wore their hair long and loose, with skirts well above their knees.

  Sandy examined herself in the long mirror inside her parents’ wardrobe door. If she narrowed her eyes and pretended to be looking at someone else, then yes, she was passable, though not as striking as Elaine. Her features were unremarkable; her hair, long and brown with fair glints in it, was her second best attribute. She had recently overtaken her mother in height, and her slim body had a grace she never felt when in company and overcome by self-consciousness.

  Her number one asset was Roland. Having a brother in a rock group saved her from dullness.

  Every afternoon, on the bus home, it felt as if the world was theirs. Elaine and Sandy bounded upstairs, making for the back seats. Time was their own here; freed from lessons and bells, they’d earned this interlude of giggles and gossip. With shoes kicked off and ties stuffed into their pockets, they shared chocolate bars or crisps as they reviewed their day: who had dropped an easy catch in rounders or had been an unbearable know-all; who’d displayed a greying vest or pudgy flesh in the PE changing room; which teacher had got flustered, outsmarted by Elaine or another of the mouthier girls. Here no one could dent the confidence Sandy borrowed from Elaine. Their cackling laughter drove nervous shoppers to the front seats, and kept mothers with toddlers on the lower deck.

  Their bus took them past Grove Park, the boys’ school: beyond Victorian stone buildings, the cricket field stretched green and smooth alongside the road. Sometimes there was an after-school match, only of interest if the players were sixth-formers, tall and rangy in their whites, with open-necked shirts and rolled sleeves. They made Sandy think of the First World War poem she’d read in English, all about Play up! Play up, and play the game, as if warfare was an extension of school cricket. The association made these boys appear sacrificial, bareheaded in the sunshine, submitting themselves to the discipline of the game. Sandy was hoping for a glimpse of Phil, but couldn’t see him; there was Roland, though, standing in the outfield, hands on hips, looking intent. Possibly he was composing: that was what he did, all the time.

  Sandy saw Elaine gazing towards him, and laughed.

  ‘Bad luck. You’ve got a rival.’

  ‘Who is she?’ Elaine leaned forward. ‘I’ll scratch her eyes out, the cow.’

  ‘Whoever he writes all those songs about.’

  ‘Yeah? Who?’

  ‘Dunno. He’s not going out with anyone that I know about.’

  ‘Perhaps there isn’t anyone. Perhaps she’s an imaginary muse,’ said Elaine. ‘Hey, p’raps it’s me! He wants to seduce me with songs. Immortalize me.’ She turned her head for a last look as the bus pulled away; a bowler was preparing to run up. ‘Ooh, don’t you love it when they rub the ball against themselves like that? Do they have any idea how sexy it is?’

  ‘Oh, you!’ Sandy nudged her. ‘You wouldn’t take much seducing, if you ask me. I thought it was Roland you fancied, not just anything in trousers.’

  ‘Anything in cricket trousers. Mainly Roland. And preferably out of them.’

  Giggles and gasps passed between them, irrepressible as bubbles.

  ‘You haven’t told him?’ Elaine leaned against Sandy. ‘You wouldn’t?’

  ‘Don’t need to, do I? You’re as subtle as an elephant,’ Sandy said, though in fact she did, often, make teasing remarks to Roland, to embarrass him. When that happened he went gruff and mumbly, his eyes shifting away. He didn’t believe her. He was modest like that.

  After the funeral, whenever Sandy climbed the second flight of stairs her steps were heavy with dread. The door to Roland’s room was closed, and that was unbearable. But if it had been open, that would have been as bad. Worse, if anything could be worse.

  He wasn’t here. Wouldn’t be here ever again. That thought hammered at her brain, failing to penetrate.

  He was gone. Wasn’t coming back. Ever.

  The house was full of a silence that pressed against her ears, filling her mind to shrieking point. Silence tugged her into its depths; silence was a cloak she huddled into. It filled her mouth when she tried to speak; it buzzed in her ears. It turned her words into meaningless gabble. It slowed her movements, weighted her limbs. It turned everything – eating, dressing, brushing her hair – into pointless attempts to fill the hours that stretched ahead. The relief of sleep led only to the renewed shock of waking, knowing that it wasn’t a dream, that the room next to hers was empty of Roland.

  She could never undo what she had done.

  9

  On Saturday evening Ruth was going to a party in Chingford. ‘You could come too?’ she offered, but Anna heard the doubt in her voice and said, ‘Thanks, but I’m happy to stay here with Liam.’

  This made it easier all round, because otherwise Liam would have had to go to the party, which, he’d made clear, he didn’t want. Anna made omelette and salad for him and herself while Ruth got ready. It was someone’s birthday party, one of her Holtby Hall acquaintances; her present was already by the front door, a bottle of Laphroaig in a gift bag with a tag saying To Aidan, with love from Ruth. When Anna saw this and raised her eyebrows, Ruth laughed and said, ‘Aidan’s a friend. It’s not what you’re thinking.’

  The phone rang while Ruth was showering. ‘I’ll get that,’ Anna called, and answered.

  It was Martin.

  ‘Did you want to speak to Ruth?’ Anna said coolly.

  ‘No, to you, about tomorrow.’ Martin sounded as if nothing had changed; maybe not much had, but Anna felt as if a gulf of time had opened up between them. ‘I’ll be there for Liam by nine-thirty, and I’ll fetch him back about six. Then I can bring you home, OK?’

  Anna was wrong-footed; this hadn’t been discussed, unless he and Ruth had made some arrangement. ‘But I’m not coming back,’ she told him, ‘yet.’

  ‘Not coming back?’ He sounded startled. ‘Why not? You’ve been there nearly a week now. You’re not planning to move in, I take it?’

  ‘No.’ It came out on a questioning upward note.

  ‘So what’s the problem? You don’t want to outstay your welcome.’

  ‘Nice of you to put it like that,’ Anna said, all too conscious that nothing had been discussed with Ruth.

  ‘Is there something you’re not telling me?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘You don’t know? Look, Anna, I haven’t got time for this. Come home tomorrow and we’ll sort things out. What’s bothering you? It’s nothing we can’t solve. You know that.’

  ‘But how can you be sure? You just said you hadn’t got time.’

  A pause; she heard a slow exhalation of breath, then: ‘What have you arranged with Ruth?’

  ‘Nothing! I just need—’

  ‘I need you here, Anna! Don’t you think you owe me an explanation, at least? Walking out like this?’

  ‘I haven’t said I’ve walked out. I’m not ready to decide anything yet.’ Anna bit her lip; she heard how infuriating she must be.

  ‘Decide?’ Martin sounded curt now. ‘Decide what? I really don’t know what you mean.’

  ‘No … I don’t know, either.’

  Another pause. ‘I’m doing my best, but you’re not making it easy. I can’t for the life of me see what’s upset you, and you don’t seem able to explain. Or maybe you can’t be bothered. You’re not being fair.’

  ‘Sorry. I know. I can’t—’

  How to explain that she liked it this way, this limbo-state, this period of suspended
animation? Or was it a jumping-off point to something new?

  ‘Look,’ he said, ‘I’ll be there tomorrow. Come back with me, and we’ll sort this out. We can, I promise.’

  His kindlier tone almost made her waver.

  ‘Please, Martin – just let me have this break. I like helping Ruth, and it’d be good to get the house-sorting finished. See you tomorrow, OK?’ she said, and rang off. Her eyes were filling with tears; she blinked them away.

  ‘Who was that on the phone?’ Ruth said when she came down, her coat open over a wrap dress in a dark indigo print. Used to seeing her in jeans and sweatshirt, Anna was struck by her delicate attractiveness; her fine skin, her simple, flattering hairstyle, sleek and straight in a chin-length bob that swung as she moved. She wore a light perfume that had something of the sea about it.

  ‘Martin,’ Anna told her. ‘He’ll be here for Liam at nine-thirty.’ Ruth looked at her as if expecting more; Anna added, ‘You look lovely.’

  ‘Thanks! OK. I don’t suppose I’ll be late back, but don’t wait up.’ She bent to kiss Liam, who gave a wriggle and grunted goodbye.

  ‘Have fun, drive carefully, and don’t talk to strange men,’ Anna said, at the front door.

  She poured herself a glass of wine, and juice for Liam. He was lying face-down on a bean-bag, channel-hopping in a way that annoyed Anna intensely when Martin did it. Abruptly, she found herself missing Ruth, although they’d spent all day together. She wished they could sit down in the kitchen and share the wine, and talk: address the matter of how long she could stay, and what to do about Martin.

  It wasn’t fair, of course – how could it be? Ruth was the last person to ask for sympathy and advice. The idea was forming in Anna’s mind that she might nudge Martin and Ruth back together. Wasn’t that what Ruth wanted? Martin had made an awful mistake, she’d said. And was continuing to do so? He’d admitted to regrets – wasn’t there an obvious solution, one that would suit everyone? Maybe that was behind Ruth’s invitation, Anna thought: it wasn’t for company and support, but because she wanted Martin left on his own.