Walking My Baby Back Home

by Joan Jonker

  Doreen’s eyes nearly popped out of her head. ‘Oh, not her! She always looks a sight! I’m afraid I wouldn’t want to be seen out with her.’

  ‘Yer don’t have to, Doreen, yer can please yerself. Now yer’ll have to go because there’s people waiting to be served. If ye’re not here by a quarter to six I’ll know ye’re not coming.’

  With that, Katy turned away and smiled at a little old lady. ‘Hello, Mrs Fitzsimmons, what can I get for yer?’

  ‘Mix me a pennyworth of Mint Imperials and treacle toffees, queen. I can’t chew them but they’re nice to suck on.’

  Out of the corner of her eye, Katy saw her friend leave the shop. She’d be there tonight, she wouldn’t miss it for the world. She might not like Joan Bennett or Mary Campbell, but she certainly had a liking for Billy Harlow.

  ‘There yer are, Mrs Fitzsimmons.’ Katy passed the bag over and took a penny from the old lady’s frail hand. ‘I gave yer an extra toffee ’cos ye’re one of me favourite customers and I think ye’re a little doll.’

  The lined face creased into a smile, revealing toothless gums. ‘And ye’re one of me favourite people, queen, a proper little lady if ever there was one. And as pretty as a picture into the bargain.’

  Molly Edwards had been watching and listening. ‘Have you two formed a mutual admiration society, or what?’

  ‘Ah.’ The old lady tapped the side of her nose. ‘That’s a secret between me and Katy, and we ain’t telling.’ She shuffled across to the door, opened it and turned to wink at Katy. ‘I’ll see yer on Monday, queen.’

  Molly grinned. The best thing she and Jim ever did was to take Katy Baker on. With her pretty face, winning smile and a cheery word for everyone, she was very popular with the customers, men, women and children. ‘I’ll tell yer what, sweetheart, that old lady has more gumption in her than that friend of yours. Doesn’t anything ever please her?’

  ‘There must be something, somewhere, that pleases her, but I’ve never found it.’ Katy reached up to put the jar of sweets back on the shelf. ‘She finds fault with everything.’

  ‘I’ve never been able to understand how Betty Mason ever gave birth to someone who turned out as miserable as Doreen. Yer’d think some of her mother’s humour would have rubbed off on her, wouldn’t yer? And Betty’s one of the most open, generous people I know, straight as a die, but I wouldn’t trust her daughter as far as I could throw her. She’s selfish through and through, and to my mind she always will be.’ Molly put her arm across Katy’s shoulder. ‘Keep yer eye on Billy, sweetheart, or sure as eggs she’ll have him off yer, just for the hell of it.’

  ‘Nah, Billy’s me best mate.’ Katy grinned at the thought. ‘He can’t stand the sight of her.’

  They both turned when the shop doorbell tinkled and Katy’s face lit up when she saw Rita Williams and Dolly Armstrong struggling through the door side by side, arms linked. ‘Ah, here come the terrible twins. Good afternoon, ladies, I hope yer’ve come to cheer me up with a few jokes.’

  Dolly, her face as miserable as sin, grunted, ‘Yer won’t be gettin’ any bleedin’ jokes off me, I’ve got nowt to joke about.’

  Rita Williams grimaced as she rolled her eyes upwards. ‘This one has done nothing but moan for the last hour. I was in a good mood before I met her, now she’s got me feeling down in the bloody dumps.’

  ‘Ah.’ Katy looked sympathetic. ‘Are yer not feeling well, Mrs Armstrong?’

  The words were spat out. ‘No, I’m not, I feel as sick as a pig.’

  ‘Perhaps yer’d have been better staying in if yer feel sick.’

  ‘Oh, it’s not that kind of sick, Katy,’ Rita said. ‘She’s had a flaming row with her husband and she’s making everyone else suffer for it.’

  Molly was at the other end of the shop serving a man with half an ounce of Golden Virginia, but while she was smiling at him, her ears weren’t missing a thing that was being said further down the counter. She gave him his change and hurried to stand beside Katy. ‘Yer haven’t been belting your Arthur with the brush again, have yer?’

  ‘I’d have belted him with the bleedin’ rolling pin if I could have remembered where I’d put the ruddy thing.’ The big bosom was thrust out, the head held stiff and lips pursed. ‘I’d have killed the stupid bugger if I could have got me hands on him, but he can run faster than me and I got out of breath.’

  ‘What on earth did he do to bring this on?’ Molly asked. ‘Lost his money on the gee-gees, did he?’

  ‘No, he lost his ruddy false teeth, that’s what.’

  ‘Ah, be fair, now, Dolly,’ Rita said. ‘He didn’t lose them.’

  ‘Of course he bloody-well lost them! He hasn’t got them, has he? And why hasn’t he got them? Because he’s lost the bloody things.’

  Rita shook her head. ‘No, ye’re not right there, queen. When yer say yer’ve lost something, it means yer don’t know where it is. Your old feller knows where his teeth are.’

  Molly and Katy exchanged puzzled looks. Then Katy dared to ask, ‘If he knows where they are, what did yer belt him for?’

  Dolly huffed and turned her head away. ‘You tell them.’

  Rita’s mouth was twitching at the corners with suppressed laughter. ‘They fell down the blinkin’ lavvy.’

  Katy had the desire to shriek with laughter, but the look on Dolly’s face said that if anyone found it remotely funny, she’d clock them one. So the girl wisely pinched hard on her bottom lip to take her mind off it.

  ‘How the hell did his teeth fall down the lavvy?’ Molly asked, genuinely curious. ‘They mustn’t have been a good fit.’

  ‘Oh, there was nothing wrong with the teeth,’ Dolly put in, bright red patches of anger on her cheeks, ‘it was that stupid get of a husband of mine! He was always moving them around with his tongue, I was fed-up telling him about it. Used to put me off me grub, it did.’

  ‘This is not the sweetest-smelling conversation I’ve ever had,’ Molly said, ‘but seeing as we’re talking about the lavvy, couldn’t he have fished the teeth out? It wouldn’t have been very pleasant, but he could have boiled them.’

  Dolly looked at her friend. ‘You tell them,’ she asked again.

  Rita took a deep breath before meeting Dolly’s eyes. ‘Listen, girl, my tummy has been aching with laughter since yer told me the sorry tale an hour ago. So while I’m telling Molly what really happened, d’yer think yer could try and put it out of yer mind that it’s your husband we’re talking about, and see the funny side of it? Because I don’t only think it’s funny, I think it’s bloody hilarious.’

  ‘Well, you would, wouldn’t yer? It’s not you what’s got to fork out for a new set of ruddy teeth, is it?’

  ‘Dolly, will yer shut yer gob and stop moaning, for God’s sake?’ Rita winked at Molly. ‘If yer don’t see the funny side of life, yer might just as well die off, that’s my motto. Anyway, from what I can gather, Arthur looked down as he pulled the chain and that’s when his teeth went down the pan. They got flushed away and are probably floating somewhere in the River Mersey by now, frightening the life out of the fish.’ A gurgling sound left Rita’s mouth before her raucous laugher filled the shop. ‘And this miserable cow can’t see the joke. Yer should go and see yer doctor, Dolly, there’s something not right with yer.’

  Molly kept her face straight and squeezed Katy’s hand before saying, ‘Ay, this could be serious, yer know. What if some sailor looks over the side of his ship and sees a set of false teeth floating in the water? He might think there’s a body in the sea, belonging to the teeth. It could start a full-scale search.’

  ‘Ha, ha, ha!’ Rita’s whole body was shaking as her imagination took over. ‘Oh, bloody hell, what a laugh! I think Arthur should go to the police station right away and report his teeth missing.’

  Dolly looked on, not knowing whether to laugh or cry. ‘Molly, you’ve got more sense than this silly sod, d’yer really think my feller should go to the police?’

  ‘No, sweetheart, we’re
only pulling yer leg. I know at least four people who have lost their teeth in the sea when they’ve been making the trip from Ireland and the crossing’s been rough. Hanging over the rails, they were, vomiting their hearts out – and their teeth.’

  ‘Oh God, I’ve wet meself.’ Rita was bent double and the sounds coming from her ranged from the high squeal of a pig to a horse’s neigh. ‘I can’t wait to tell me feller, he’ll laugh his ruddy socks off.’

  ‘So will my Arthur,’ Dolly said, in a tit-for-tat, ‘when I tell him yer wet yer knickers.’

  ‘Ha, ha, ha, blackmail now, eh, girl?’ Rita put an arm across her friend’s shoulder. ‘I’ll tell yer what, I won’t tell about Arthur’s teeth if you don’t tell about me knickers. It’ll be our little secret, just between you and me.’

  ‘Yeah, OK, queen.’ Dolly tried to put an arm around Rita’s waist, but her arm was either too short or her friend’s waist was too big. ‘Just between you and me.’

  Katy’s laughter was bubbling beneath the surface when she asked, ‘How can it be a secret between you two, when me and Mrs Edwards know?’

  ‘Ooh, aye, Reet.’ Dolly was almost cheerful now, ‘what about these two?’

  ‘Well, let’s see now.’ Rita tapped a finger on her lips. ‘If Molly Edwards opens her spout, she’ll lose two of her best customers. If young Katy lets the cat out of the bag she’ll lose two of her front teeth.’

  Katy’s head fell back and her clear laugh filled the room. ‘We’re back where we started, with teeth! But seeing as yer asked so nicely, Mrs Williams, I promise I won’t breathe a word to a living soul.’

  Molly saw the Echo delivery van pull up outside. ‘Here’s the papers, Katy, we’ll have a rush on in a few minutes. I’ll see to the papers, you serve these two customers.’ She got halfway down the counter and turned, a wide smile on her face. ‘Thank you, ladies, for the best laugh I’ve had in a long time. And for the warning. Yer see, what happened to Arthur could easily happen to my feller.’

  While Katy was weighing a quarter of banana splits for Rita and a quarter of Everton toffees for Dolly, she was giggling inside as she listened to the two women talking. They had no idea how funny they were.

  ‘It’s all very well laughing about it,’ Dolly said, ‘but where are we goin’ to find the money from to buy him a new set? It doesn’t grow on bleedin’ trees, yer know.’

  ‘Oh, don’t start off again, Dolly, for God’s sake! What’s done is done and yer can’t do nowt about it. He’s said goodbye to his ruddy teeth, so let him say goodbye to a pint of ale every night and save up for a new set.’ There was more than a hint of laughter in Rita’s voice as she said, ‘Anyway, it’ll do his gums good to let the fresh air get at them.’

  ‘Go in the back room and titivate yerself up, love,’ Jim Edwards said. ‘Me and Molly can manage now. I think yer look fine as yer are, but my wife said yer need to comb yer hair and put some lipstick on.’

  Katy glanced at the clock. ‘Yeah, they’ll all be here in five minutes and I’d like to freshen up a bit. Give us a shout if yer see any of them, will yer? I don’t want to keep them waiting.’

  ‘Never be on time for a feller, Katy,’ Molly called down the counter. ‘It does them good to be kept waiting.’

  Jim pulled a face. ‘Half an hour she used to keep me waiting. Even to this day I’ll never know why she made the dates for seven-thirty when she knew damn well she had no intention of turning up until eight o’clock.’

  ‘She was worth waiting for, Mr Edwards.’

  ‘I know, lass, but it wouldn’t do to keep telling her that, she’s big-headed enough as it is.’

  Katy washed her hands and face then stood in the crowded stockroom and combed her thick auburn hair. It was naturally curly and apart from running the comb through it, it needed no attention at all. Then she stood on tiptoe to try and see in the mirror on the wall as she put her lipstick on, but there were too many boxes in front of it to get near enough to see properly so she had to hope for the best that she hadn’t smudged it. Anyway, it was dark in the picture-house so no one would know the difference.

  Molly popped her head in. ‘There’s a big crowd of people outside the shop, sweetheart, and they look as though they’re waiting for someone.’

  ‘I’m ready.’ Katy slipped her arms into her coat. It was the only one she had and was a bit scruffy, but it would have to do. ‘As ready as I’ll ever be.’

  Molly could read her thoughts. ‘Clothes don’t make the person, Katy, and anyway, if you were wearing sackcloth yer’d still knock spots off a certain girl who shall remain nameless. With your smile, no one will even notice what yer’ve got on.’

  On the pavement outside, smiling faces greeted Katy. She was glad to see her mother had been able to persuade Mary Campbell to come, and the two women were linking each other. John Kershaw had his arm across Colin’s shoulder and Doreen, the only one without a smile on her face, was standing as near to Billy as she could get. The lad wasn’t very happy with the situation and as soon as Katy closed the shop door behind her he was by her side. ‘Don’t you leave me with her all night,’ he growled in a low voice, ‘or I’m warning yer, I’ll end up giving her a thick ear.’

  Dot and John exchanged amused glances. Young Billy didn’t believe in mincing his words; if he thought it, he said it.

  ‘Come on,’ John said, ‘we’ve got ten minutes to get to the Carlton.’ With his arm still on Colin’s shoulder he set off and the others followed.

  Dot squeezed Mary’s arm as they brought up the rear and whispered, ‘Just watch the antics of the three young ones, they’re dead funny.’

  Billy started as he meant to go on. ‘I’m walking on the outside, which is the proper place for a man. Katy, you walk next to me and Doreen can walk on the other side of yer.’

  ‘Why can’t yer walk in the middle?’ Doreen wailed. ‘That’s what yer should do.’

  ‘Because I don’t want to, that’s why. And stop behaving like a spoilt brat and move yer legs a bit faster so we can keep up with Mr Kershaw.’ They’d only gone a few steps when he said, ‘Next time yer come out with us, don’t forget to bring yer dummy. They’re good for keeping babies quiet.’

  ‘All right, Billy,’ Katy said, ‘give it a rest now. Remember what yer dad told yer about arguing with women.’

  ‘Doreen’s not a woman, Katy, she’s still a baby. In fact, I don’t know why she’s not still in nappies.’ He hunched his shoulders and stuck his hands in his pockets. ‘Even then I bet she’d have something to moan about, saying the pin was sticking in her.’

  Dot chuckled as she glanced sideways at Mary. She’d had a hard job persuading her neighbour to come with them, but she was glad she did now because there was a smile on the pale face. She looked nice, too, did Mary, in the dress and coat she’d got off John. ‘Love’s young dream, eh, sunshine? Remember when we were that age?’

  ‘I wish I was that age now,’ Mary said. ‘I would certainly choose a different path in life than the one I’ve got.’

  ‘I know ye’re going through a bad patch, with losing yer dad, but yer’ve got the baby to look forward to and a baby always brings love with it.’

  ‘You try telling that to Tom Campbell. He told me he hates the baby and doesn’t want anything to do with it.’

  ‘Then you’ll have to love it twice as much, won’t yer? Oh look, there’s John waving for us to hurry. Come on, a hop, skip and a jump.’

  When John was at the kiosk getting the tickets, he bought four small boxes of Cadbury’s chocolates. ‘One each for the ladies, and perhaps they’ll share them with us men.’

  ‘Oh, yer shouldn’t have bothered,’ Dot said, thinking how long it was since a man had bought her chocolates. ‘It’s your birthday, we should be buying for you.’

  John chuckled as he led them towards the door. ‘I’d look a right cissie, letting a lady buy me a box of chocolates.’

  The lights were still on in the cinema when the usherette took their tickets and motioned f
or them to follow her. When she stopped at the end of a row where there were seven empty seats, Billy was ready to organise the seating to his liking. ‘You go in first, Doreen, then Katy and then me.’

  When Mary was following Billy, John whispered to Dot, ‘I’m going to have to take a few lessons from that young man. He knows what he wants and goes for it.’

  ‘And gets it,’ Dot answered, making for her seat and pulling Colin behind her, leaving John to sit next to her son at the end of the row.

  John pulled his seat down, thinking it was coming to something when a fourteen-year-old boy could teach him a thing or two about women. But as the lights went down, he told himself he’d get his marching orders if he tried to pull a stunt like the one Billy had just pulled. Dot needed careful handling, with kid gloves.

  The first short film was a Charlie Chase comedy and the antics of the funny man, in his trademark spectacles, had the audience roaring with laughter. All except Doreen. ‘He’s stupid,’ she said to Katy. ‘I don’t know what they’re all laughing at.’ When there was no reply, she leaned across her friend with the open box of chocolates in her hand. ‘Billy, d’yer want one of me chocolates?’

  Billy’s eyes never left the screen. ‘No! And keep quiet, can’t yer?’

  ‘Go on, have one. There’s a hazelnut whirl, yer’d like that.’

  ‘Why don’t yer put them all in yer mouth at once, Doreen? That should keep yer quiet.’

  Doreen sat back in her seat, not the least bit put out. ‘I’ll save them for the interval, then yer can choose which one yer want.’

  When the lights went up, the only one who wanted an ice-cream was Colin. So John gave him the money and pointed to where the usherettes were serving the ices. ‘You go, then you can pick what you want.’

  ‘Thanks, Mr Kershaw.’ The boy was off like a shot, leaving John to take advantage of the situation and move next to Dot. ‘How are you and Mary? Did you enjoy Charlie Chase?’

  It was Mary who answered. ‘There’s more fun next to me than there is on the screen. That Doreen’s got a hide like a rhinoceros; she will not be insulted.’