Knox
Page 23
Yeah, what a jerk. Because didn’t they all feel that way?
It was easier for him to bury himself in work, in the to-do list on the ranch than to let himself acknowledge for a moment that he’d met someone who made him feel like he was exactly who he should be. Nice. Safe. And the guy who believed in the old-fashioned, happy ending.
Which then made him throw back his covers and spend the rest of the night unsnarling the finances of the ranch. At least it made him feel as if he might be accomplishing something. Instead of sitting around letting the woman he loved become—what had Tate called it? Collateral damage.
Brooding might be exactly the right term.
“Dude,” Reuben said now, “you’re the definition of darkness. I’ve never seen a guy so determined to pretend he’s happy. I thought your face would crack on Saturday from the forced smiling.”
“What? I was happy. It was Ma’s birthday.”
“Like a man tied to a stake in the sun is happy he’s getting a tan. C’mon—you just lost the woman you love.”
“I don’t…”
Reuben raised an eyebrow, held up his hand. “Listen, I get it. Believe me, I didn’t want to face the fact that I was in love with Gilly until…until I thought she’d died. And it was the worst few hours of my life.”
Knox stared at him, still a little bruised from the excruciating hour it’d taken to find Kelsey and Glo. “Fine. Yes. Okay. I’m in love with her. Around her, I feel like I can be me. And maybe I am boring and safe and nice, but…she makes that okay.”
“I’ve never, not once thought of you as nice, just so we’re clear.” Reuben was smiling.
“Funny.” Knox shook his head. “Truth is, with everything inside me, I want to go to Vegas. And every second that Tate doesn’t call me, I’m losing my mind.”
“Then go.”
“I can’t—I need to get the repairs on the barn going and finalize the purchase of Calamity Jane with the bank and start the training on the younger bulls and—”
“Oh, for Pete’s sake—stop!”
Knox raised an eyebrow.
“This is what you do, bro. You pile up your life with stuff, then brood about how stuck you are. Has it occurred to you that God has given you a chance to have something more, if you have the guts to take it?”
Knox just blinked at him. “What are you—”
“For the smart one, you are so bad at the math. First, Kelsey is in love with you.”
He shook his head against the words, the swift rush of desire. What if? But, “No, she said she doesn’t want me.”
“C’mon. Yeah, she does. She’s just scared.” Reuben sat down in one of the leather chairs.
“When did you become an expert on women?”
“I’m not—this is Gilly’s insight, but she’s probably right. A woman who has been through what Kelsey has is going to run from the first sign of getting hurt. Physically and emotionally.”
“I would never hurt her.”
“Yeah, actually, you will, even if you try not to, but that’s beside the point.” Reuben leaned back and crossed his leg across his knee. “She needs you to be bigger than her fears. Stronger than her rejection. And yes, if you truly believe that she doesn’t want you in her life, then you have to let her go. But a woman who opens her heart up wants to know she will be protected.”
“How can I protect someone who says they don’t want to be protected?”
“You show up. You wait. You give. You sacrifice. You love anyway.”
Knox nodded, looked out the window. The sky arched blue, the clouds wispy over the dark-edged line of mountains. “People need me here.”
“Oh, bro. You and Kelsey are so much alike, and you don’t even see it. She thinks she needs to keep moving to stay safe. You’re afraid to leave.”
Knox frowned at him. “I’m not afraid—”
“You’re terrified, bro. You think it’s all going to fall apart without you.”
“The ranch is my responsibility! Dad counted on me to be here, and…and I wasn’t. I wasn’t here. I was off chasing some silly dream of being a bull rider, and…it got him killed.”
A muscle pulled in Reuben’s jaw. “Yeah. You’re not the only one who thinks that.”
Knox frowned at him.
“Dad wanted me to be a firefighter—after he told me to leave, he sent a letter to my old jump boss, Jock, and asked him to teach me. But I never got over the sense that I should have come back, should have been here. If I had then maybe Dad wouldn’t have been alone.”
Knox drew in a breath, this throat tight.
“And you wouldn’t have had to give up your so-called silly dreams of being a bull rider. You were good at it. Much better than I ever was, and you deserved your shot.”
Knox looked at him.
“I’m sorry, bro. I should have been a better big brother to you. I was so angry about my life, and stupid Chelsea, I abandoned you. And you had to stick around and pick up the pieces. But…I’m here now. And I want to help.” He leaned forward. “And for the record, I forgive you for Chelsea.” He shook his head. “She was wild and I knew it, and frankly, you probably saved me from getting into big trouble there.”
Knox pursed his lips. “You finding us probably saved me…well, you know…”
Reuben gave a soft nod.
“I’ve tried very hard to be the man Dad wanted me to be,” Knox said quietly.
“Me too,” Reuben said. “Still trying.”
Knox let the silence pass between them, his fingers absently running over the taped song lyrics on the desk. His gaze went to it, then back to Reuben.
“Who do you see when you look at Jesus?”
Reuben frowned, then, “Oh, you’re being Dad. He used to ask us that. I never knew what to answer—”
“Me either. But ever since Dad died, and maybe even since you left, whenever I dared look at Jesus, I saw anger. But what if…what if I was looking at Jesus through the lens of my own shame. My own self-judgment. I saw what I thought I deserved.”
“Okay, I take it back, you are smarter than you look.”
Knox offered a small harrumph. “And then, I just stopped looking, put my head down, and kept working.”
Reuben nodded. “Yeah, I get that. Sometimes it’s just easier to do the things we know will make us feel better than simply stopping to…I don’t know, receive. It’s like what happens when we get a water dump—we take cover and let the bombers take out the fire around us. They do all the work.”
“Stand back and see what I will do,” Knox mumbled. “Remember that verse Dad used to quote, from Exodus? After Moses tried everything with Pharaoh?”
“Exodus 14:13. ‘Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today,’” Rueben said softly.
Knox nodded, his eyes turning gritty. “What if that’s the key to the entire thing? To stop and look up and…truly see Jesus. Believe Him at His word, that He loves us. That we shouldn’t assign how we feel about ourselves to Jesus. Maybe He loves us. Nothing else.”
“I think I figured it out. You’re sitting in the big leather chair. Dad is rubbing off on you, because now you’re starting to sound like him,” Reuben said.
Heat rushed over Knox, through him, touched his bones, and he looked away, his eyes burning.
“You know, bro, maybe if we saw love more in each other, it might be easier to look up and accept it from God.”
Knox looked at him. “Clearly it’s not the chair.”
Reuben lifted a shoulder. “Gilly’s dad is a preacher. Something might have stuck.”
Knox sighed. “I’m sorry, Reuben. For everything. I was…I was so jealous of you. And Wyatt and Tate and even Ford. Jealous that you got to run off and live your lives, and I pined for my stupid bull-riding dream. And who knows if I would have made it into the PBR, but—but that’s not the point. I kept looking at your lives, and I hated mine. I thought it was…boring, I guess.”
“And then Kelsey w
alked in,” Reuben said, smiling. “And your boring became her sexy.”
Safe is a good thing, you know. Kelsey walked into his head, took a seat on his lap, leaned her lips close to his, and his mouth dried. Especially when he heard his own words to her.
Have you not met me? I’m the guy who sticks around. Who keeps his promises—or tries with everything inside him to. I show up. And I stick around. You can count on me. I made you a promise back in Texas, and I intend to keep it.
He shook his head. Some promise keeper he was. “Maybe it’s time I was reckless.”
Reuben gave him a slow grin. “Maybe.” He got up. “The insurance guy is headed this way. I’m going to go talk to him—I’d like to get started on the barn, and I need to see how much we might get for it.” He got up, but then stopped at the door. “Let me be the brother you need me to be. You—go do something crazy.”
Knox nodded. He ran his fingers over the lyrics on the desk.
* * *
Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
* * *
Oh, Dad. How Knox missed him.
Who is Jesus to you, son?
He closed his eyes, heard the question.
He’d have to look up to find out, perhaps.
You’ll never find your path by looking at yourself, Knox.
He drew in a breath, hearing his father’s voice, that last time they’d ridden fence together. You want to find your way, keep looking up.
Except, he hadn’t even been moving, too safe.
Not anymore.
Lord, help me to see You. To put my focus not on myself, and not on my brothers, but on You. On Your love. Be my vision, Lord.
The phone buzzed, and he opened his eyes. Read the caller ID.
“Rafe. What’s up?” He glanced outside, saw Reuben talking with the insurance man.
“Hey, Knox.” Rafe’s easy tone was clipped. “NBR-X is in trouble. I need you to come to Vegas. And I need you to bring Gordo.”
“I’ll get the pizzas.”
Tate glanced around the room, his gaze landing on Kelsey, then Glo before he added, “Don’t let anyone in but me, but I have my key, so, just don’t let anyone in.”
“Aye-aye, Master Chief.”
Tate gave Glo a small glare but didn’t hide the tiny grin as he left.
“What’s with you two?” Kelsey asked. They’d been acting weirdly since they left the hospital in Helena.
Glo looked at her. “Nothing.” She adjusted her sling, something she put on after today’s rehearsal. She sat on the sofa of the suite, her head against a mound of pillows Tate had built for her. She wore a pair of yoga pants and an oversized T-shirt down to her knees, probably in defiance of her mother’s attempts to clean her up in case the press tracked them down between rehearsals.
Senator Jackson had already made a statement about her daughter’s “accident,” leaving out the death threats. She’d added a couple security personnel to Glo’s detail, under Tate’s direction.
Tate had spent the last five days working with the security team at the Las Vegas Western Complex, a venue used for everything from sporting events to motorcycle shows. And of course, rodeo and country music. He had also briefed the security team about the bombing in San Antonio, and they created another layer of security around the stock areas.
Dixie came in from the kitchenette area of the suite holding a couple ice teas and handed one to Glo before she slid onto the sofa and put Glo’s feet on her lap. “I think we have the finale nailed.”
“Just like you planned it, Kels. Way to go.” Glo lifted her bottle.
“As long as I don’t freak out.” She hadn’t, not once, in practice, but the threat sat in her gut, tugging.
Vince Russell was not out there in the darkness waiting to kill her. She hadn’t even been the target.
She’d just been an innocent bystander, a tourist in the park.
A random victim.
Her words to Knox kept pinging back to her every time she walked onstage and took the mic, looked out over the auditorium. I need to keep moving. On the road, I’m in control. I know what I’m doing.
Or not. Because yes, she knew all the harmonies, had the show embedded inside her, but frankly…Knox was right. It was easier to be a performer onstage than to…
Than to rely on someone to show up just when you needed them. To reach out and hope that person—even God, maybe—would catch you.
I won’t let you fall. I’m going to get you out of this.
She had to stop thinking about Knox. The way he folded his fingers between hers, the way she lost her name when he looked in her eyes.
She hadn’t slept well for a week, not until she turned on the television and found a hockey game. Wyatt’s team had lost last night. Probably she should stop watching the Blue Ox.
“You’re not going to freak out,” Dixie said. “But I do have an idea…” She picked at the label of her bottle, glanced at Glo. “What if Glo sang ‘One True Heart’?”
Kelsey looked at her, then Glo, who stared at Dixie as if she’d asked her to streak across stage.
“No—”
“Yes,” Kelsey said. “It’s a great idea. You’re not playing tomorrow night, and you need your own spotlight. This is a great idea!”
“No!” Glo said. Took her feet away from Dixie. “I…I’m not ready.”
“Yes, you are. I hear you singing it all the time, in the shower, in the bus—”
Glo was shaking her head.
“Glo,” Dixie said, touching her foot. “I see the way you look at Tate, and I know…he’s just your bodyguard.” She finger-quoted the words.
“Our bodyguard,” Glo said, a little fire in her words.
“Hardly. Sure, he’d take a bullet for me, but he’d do it walking across fire for you, honey,” Dixie said.
“It doesn’t matter. He can’t…we’re not—”
“Fine. But it doesn’t mean your heart isn’t ready to love again. And…it’s time you sang your song,” Kelsey said.
Glo’s chest rose and fell. She looked at Kelsey, then Dixie. Then, “If I have to bare my soul onstage, then Kelsey does too.”
Huh?
Glo turned to her. “I heard the song you were working on at the Marshalls’. And in your room. I wanna hear it.”
Kelsey froze. Shook her head. “No, it’s not finished. It’s…it’s…”
“About Knox, isn’t it?” Glo said.
Kelsey looked away, at the darkness pressing into the windows, the lights of the Vegas skyline glittering, a kaleidoscope of colors. “It’s about fear and…love. And what-ifs—”
“So, that’s a yes,” Dixie said. “Let’s hear it.” She slid off the sofa and headed over to her violin case, opening it. She grabbed her violin, then Glo’s Dobro and walked over to the sofa.
Glo sat with the instrument pocketed into her lap. Dixie sat down, raised an eyebrow.
“Fine, but…it’s not done. It’s…a mess. I told you that I can’t write a song.”
She reached for her guitar. Took a breath. “It’s a little sappy.”
“Please. It’s a country song,” Dixie said. “It had better be about lost love, or I’m turning in my bow.”
“Fine.” Kelsey had worked out a few chords but let her voice lead the way.
* * *
He said hold on to me, and don't let go
Don’t be afraid, don’t say no.
Hold on, lean in
What if I said yes, what if I believed
What if I reached back until I could see
That my tomorrow was with you.
* * *
He said don’t cry, honey, you’re safe with me
My love, babe, can set you free
Hold on, lean in
What if I said yes, when he asked to dance
What if I reached out, grabbed hold of his hand
Said my tomorrow was with you.
* * *
But Glo had picked up the melody and looked at Kelsey. “My mind said no. My heart said yes…”
Dixie was nodding. “My mind said whoa… My heart felt his caress.”
Yes. She had felt Knox’s caress on her heart. Something pure and right and beautiful.
Hold on, lean in.
She was humming, let the words spill out. “Hold on, lean in. I’d do it right this time, if I could do it all again…”
Her breath caught, and she looked up as Glo nodded, continued playing.
* * *
He took my hand, said babe, let’s fly away
To our tomorrows, we’ll start them today
Hold on, lean in
So I will trust you, I’ll give us a try.
Take my love, baby, please don’t let it die
There is no tomorrow, not without you.
* * *
Glo finished the song with a lick, and then looked up, grinning. “It’s a start.”
“It’s more than a start,” said Tate. He closed the door with his foot. “It’s good.” He brought the pizza over to the counter. “A new Yankee Belle hit.”
“It’s Kelsey’s song,” said Glo.
“No, it’s—”
“It’s about Knox,” Dixie said, and Kelsey closed her eyes.
“Really,” Tate said quietly.
She couldn’t look at him. Instead she set the guitar down. “It’s not. It’s about…what-ifs, and…I don’t know…”
Tate grabbed a stack of plates. Turned. He wore a dress shirt and a pair of jeans, and the resemblance to Knox that night at the Bulldog could almost knock her over.
What if.
She blew out a breath. “I need some air.” She was heading for the hallway when Tate came over and put his hand on the door. “Not so fast.”
“Tate.”
“Fine. But I’m going with you.” He turned, glanced at the girls. “Don’t—”
“Let anyone in but you. We got it, Captain America,” Glo said as she got up.