by Kyra Lennon
“Right,” I said. “Sure you did.”
“Don't make this difficult. I'm trying to apologise.”
“Well excuse me if I find that hard to believe,” I said, standing up. “Is it any wonder that I'm suspicious of you? You drag me in here after speaking to me for thirty seconds, and-”
“Shut up!” he shouted. “Just stop talking and listen!”
Taken aback by his outburst, I took a step away from him and sat down again.
While I waited for him to speak, my eyes lingered on his. How could a man who had hurt me so much, who’d embarrassed me and let me down, still be so perfect to me?
“I … I wanted to tell you … I’ve missed you, Leah.”
“Is that all?”
“No. But I wasn't prepared to see you and-”
“Jesus Christ,” I muttered. “The fact that you needed to 'prepare' to talk to me doesn't exactly fill me with confidence.”
“I just don’t want to say the wrong thing. This is important.”
“What's this about, Radleigh?”
“You know what this is about.”
His words were loaded with an unspoken confession. But was it the confession I’d been hoping for, or was this another one of his games where I thought he meant one thing when he really meant something else?
“That's just it,” I said. “I don't. You're not telling me anything and I’m not in to guessing games, so can you please get on with it?”
“I'm trying to tell you that I'm sorry.”
“You could have said this any time over the last two months but you didn’t.”
“Right. Because this is really a conversation we could have had on the phone.”
“Why the hell not?” I demanded. “You had eight weeks to call and you didn't. If you weren't in the UK and I wasn't here you never would have, would you?”
“I would,” he said quietly. “Why are you making this so awkward?”
“How hard did Valdez elbow you in the head? Did you really expect me to just fall into your arms?”
His eyes swivelled towards me and a smile crossed his face, “You've been watching?”
“Yes,” I sighed. “Sometimes Jamie makes me. Last week Josh thought I might enjoy seeing you taking a bash to the skull.”
“And did you?”
“No. Whenever I see someone smacking you in the head, I just wish I was the one doing it.”
Instead of glaring at me, his smile widened. “You watch because you missed me.”
“Wrong,” I told him. “Watching is like slow torture. Seeing everyone on television and not being there is horrible and I don't make a habit of it.”
“But you missed me,” he persisted.
“Don't push me, McCoy.”
“Leah, come on,” he said, taking a step towards me. “What do I have to do?”
Much to my annoyance the single step he’d taken made me start to shake. It had been a long time since he’d been so close to me. I’d never forgotten how his nearness made me feel, but I was always surprised by the strength of it. Of having him right there, close enough to touch.
And what happened the last time you were alone together?
The second flashback to that night in the hotel forced me to move away from him.
“You can't make up for everything with one apology,” I told him. “And you can't expect me to accept it when all you've given me is a half-arsed attempt at an explanation. It's not enough, not by a long way.”
“What do you want? You want me to beg for forgiveness?”
“What I want is for you to experience even half of the pain I’ve been in since I left Los Angeles!”
Before he could respond, I stormed out of his dressing room, my chest aching with grief just as it had the last time I'd seen him.
I could have told him I'd missed him and accepted what he’d said to me. Perhaps then I wouldn't have felt so distraught. But he didn't deserve to be let off so easily. I meant what I'd said. Maybe it was cruel, but I wanted him to feel the agony I’d experienced. I didn't want to be the only one suffering.
Walking out on him, I knew, was the final nail in the coffin of our 'relationship'. He'd never come after me, he’d already proved that. But any man who was capable of inflicting so much pain on me didn't deserve anything more.
.
Chapter 23: British and Uncouth
As I frantically sifted through the shopping bags full of clothes I’d bought, Freya said, “It's not in there.”
“What isn't?”
“The perfect outfit. The one that will make you confident and take away the feeling of having your heart shredded by a man.”
With a small laugh I said, “Damn.”
As soon as the Warriors match was over, Freya, Will, Bree, Miguel and I said goodbye to Josh and Jamie, and hot footed it back to the hotel. Just like the old days, I went to Freya’s room to get ready but none of the outfits I had seemed like the right one.
Freya came to sit beside me. “I know you don't want to talk about Radleigh, and I understand, but I really don't want him to ruin tonight.”
“He probably won't even show up so it shouldn't be a problem.”
“It doesn't matter whether he’s there or not. He's on your mind.”
“I'm trying, Freya. I'm really trying.”
“I know you are,” she said, taking my hand. “I know seeing him today can't have been easy. But we haven't seen you for two months and I want us to have fun.”
I nodded. “Me too. And we will. I'm sorry, I'll try to cheer up.”
Freya gave me a much needed hug. “You don't have to apologise. I just want us to enjoy the time we have. Besides,” she added, “I need to sample the British men. That'll be fun!”
“Yeah, wait until you see the beer swilling losers we have here!”
“British men are hot! Prince William, David Beckham, Daniel Craig. Tell me I’m wrong?”
She wasn’t fooling me for a second with her talk of finding a man. The only William she was interested in was the one who still hadn’t gotten around to making his move.
“Well actually,” I said, “you're right. At the club I'm taking you to there will be plenty of good looking men. At least, there always used to be. It can't have changed that much.”
I was right, it hadn't.
Slinky's was more like an upmarket bar than a nightclub, with a huge dance floor and a karaoke bar upstairs. They didn't play the latest club tunes, they played current chart hits plus a few choice older songs from other decades. Music created for dancing. When I lived in London I'd spent many weekends in Slinky's with my friends and we'd had some great nights there. It was perfect because unlike a nightclub, the music didn't take over the entire place. There was a quieter end of the bar for people to socialise, and a noisier end where people could go to let loose. I had every intention of doing both.
I finally settled on the perfect outfit for the evening, a black, sleeveless top, which had a zip running down the left side. Such a daring top might have been asking for trouble, but I decided to risk it anyway. Coupled with the dark blue flared jeans I’d bought that morning, and my favourite pair of strappy heels I thought I looked pretty good.
“Wow, Leah, this place is great!” Will said as we walked through the doors.
It was pretty impressive with its modern décor, complete with a highly polished wooden floor and the world's longest bar, which was already filled with people.
“What do you guys drink over here?” Will asked.
“Tea,” I answered, keeping a perfectly straight face. “All varieties. Instead of mixers and beer taps we just have a load of pretty coloured teapots lined up behind the bar.”
Freya cracked up and Will rolled his eyes. “Very funny.”
Smiling, I said, “We drink pretty much the same as you but probably in larger quantities.”
“What are you having? My treat.”
“Why thank you,” I said. “I will have a Smirnoff Ice, and as I am in my own cou
ntry and don't have to worry about pleasantries, I'll drink it out of the bottle with a straw!”
“Me too,” Freya added.
Will shook his head. “I've never seen you like this before, all British and uncouth!”
“I am not uncouth!” I insisted. “Now … let’s get ratted!”
Freya and Will exchanged a look of confusion.
“It means drunk,” I explained. “Short for ‘rat-arsed.’”
“Rat-arsed?” Will repeated, sheer confusion on his face. “I know some of your weird English phrases make sense but … rat-arsed? Unless you grow pointy teeth and a long tail when you’re drunk?”
Freya began to giggle and I said, “Let’s leave the dissection of that term for later. I’m thirsty, William!”
Getting all dressed up and hitting the town had helped me push my melancholy to the back of my mind. Freya was right – us getting together was a rare event and it was only right that we made the most of it. I would worry about Radleigh if and when I next saw him.
That time was just a few hours later. Radleigh, Bree, Miguel, Jude, Cody, and Bryce all arrived together. Will, Freya and I had moved closer to the dance floor by then. Not too many people took up the tables there, due to the fact that they either wanted to be dancing, therefore not sitting down, or they wanted to talk, so they stayed at the other end of the room. Miguel and Bree were the first to join us. The others took seats nearby, so we were all in fairly close proximity.
Radleigh was, as usual, sitting with Bryce and Cody, and I tried not to take too much notice of him. It wasn't easy though. When he hadn't been there, not thinking about him was just about possible. But he was so close. I tried not to feel the ache that washed over me at being so near, but so far from him. I needed a distraction.
Sensing my mood, Bree came to my rescue. She took my hand and dragged me to the dance floor.
“No moping,” she said firmly. “You're supposed to be doing that thing.”
“What thing?”
“That thing where you pretend nothing is bothering you.”
“Oh,” I said, knowingly. “That thing!”
“Uh-huh. So what do you say we find you some nice guy to dance with?”
Laughing I said, “I don't think a man is what I need.”
Not just any man, anyway.
“I need to keep dancing,” I told her. “With my friends, not strange men.”
“There are no poles in here,” she complained, looking around just in case she’d missed them.
“No poles,” I confirmed. “There is a karaoke bar upstairs though.”
Bree's eyes widened. “Karaoke? Really?”
Her enthusiasm could only mean bad things. “I love karaoke!”
“I bet you do.” I giggled.
“Please, please, please, please can we go up there?” she begged, squeezing my hand and jumping up and down.
“Do you sing?” I asked.
“Not well, but that's not the point! It's fun!”
I had to agree. Karaoke was something I’d done in my youth as an extra way of attracting men. Apparently, nothing makes a man more horny than a girl singing suggestive songs. The added bonus of heading up to the karaoke bar was that Radleigh wouldn't be there.
“Okay,” I agreed. “Let's go!”
We told Freya and Will where we were going, picked up our drinks, and made our way up the stairs. Because it was getting late, most people were drunk enough to sing things they never would have attempted sober. As we entered the room a woman was wailing out a horrific version of a classic rock song but everyone was up dancing and singing along.
Bree squealed excitedly. “I want to sing!”
“You're on your own,” I told her. “I’m not singing tonight.”
“Oh yes you are,” she said, dragging me along to a vacant table to study the available choice of songs. “We'll sing together!”
“Bree, come on!” I wailed. “Don't make me! I promise to cheer up!”
Fixing me with puppy dog eyes, she smiled. It was impossible to resist her when she slipped into cutesy mode.
“I hate you,” I groaned.
We trawled through the pages and pages of songs before we decided on Brass In Pocket. Bree scribbled our names and song choice down on a submission slip, and ran over to hand it to the DJ before I had chance change my mind.
It would be a while before we were called up so we got ourselves some more drinks and chatted, while being subjected to some of the worst singing I’d ever heard. After a while, Freya and Will came to join us, followed by Miguel, and to my horror, Bryce, Cody and Radleigh.
“I am not singing in front of him,” I said firmly.
“It'll do him good to see you enjoying yourself.” Will pointed out.
“Enjoying myself, yes. But public humiliation? That's different.”
Clearly, my sense of bravery had gone out of the window since I was eighteen. Back then, this would have been a challenge I’d have relished but things were different now. And making an idiot of myself in front of Radleigh was not a pleasant thought.
'Get a grip,' I told myself. 'What does it matter anyway? You pretty much ruined any chance you had this afternoon, you may as well complete the day with a final act of stupidity!'
I was in the middle of a deep discussion about the guy who had taken over my job with Freya, Will and Miguel when I heard the DJ announcing that it was time for Bree and me to sing.
“Oh hell,” I said, standing up. “Where's Bree?”
“She went to the bathroom,” Freya answered. “Too much to drink.”
“Can you please go and get her? I'll delay the DJ, please just find her!”
“I’m on it,” she said, standing up and running towards the bathroom as fast as was possible in her enormous heels.
With a last look of fear at Miguel and Will, I slowly walked towards the stage. Butterflies began to flap around in my stomach. It had been years since I’d sung in front of people. I walked up the steps to the stage and turned to see if Bree was coming. The DJ hadn't noticed me yet, he was clearly searching for our song and I didn't alert him to my presence in order to buy myself a couple more minutes. I noticed Freya returning to our table alone, and she shrugged at me, indicating that she couldn't find Bree.
“Ah, there you are,” the DJ said, making me jump. “You ready?”
“Erm,” I began, “my friend is in the bathroom. Is there any way we can wait?”
The DJ shook his head. “Sorry. No time.”
Panic coursed through my veins as he grinned and handed me a microphone. Terrified, I turned to face the crowd. Some were looking expectantly at me, some weren't taking any notice at all, but my friends were cheering and whistling which made me even more scared.
Relax. Most of the people here are drunk, and if you're awful, people will assume you're drunk too and cheer for you anyway!
I knew this to be true. It wasn't the strangers in the room that bothered me though.
I didn't have time to stress any longer, as the opening bars of the song began. There was almost no introduction before the lyrics kicked. I just had to go for it.
The moment the first line was out in tune, I relaxed, allowing myself a quick glance at Radleigh. He was watching my every move and as the first chorus began, my confidence soared.
I stepped down from the stage and sashayed towards my friends. Without even needing to look at the words, I sat myself on Miguel's lap in time for the second chorus. He grinned as I stood up and winked at him. I moved over to Radleigh, Bryce and Cody for the next part of the song. Standing behind Bryce and seductively running my hand down his chest, I continued belting out the lyrics. He looked up at me shocked, but smiling before I went back on to the stage.
For the first time all night I felt free of the pain, if only for the duration of the song. I wanted to enjoy every second, before it ended and Radleigh found a way to make me suffer for feeling up his friend.
Wild cheers, whistles and screams filled the ro
om as I finished and I laughed at how much I’d enjoyed it. Stepping down from the stage again, I went back to my friends who had been re-joined by Bree.
“I missed it!” she pouted.
I gave her a hug. “Next time we meet up, we'll find a karaoke bar and stay there all night.”
This satisfied her and as I reached for my drink, Will said, “Are there any other talents you're keeping from us?”
“Karaoke isn't really a talent.”
“It was the performance,” Freya added, grinning. “I thought McCoy might die from the shock!”
“Meh,” I said, with a casual shrug. “I was too busy molesting Bryce to worry about Radleigh.”
Even as I said it, my eyes shifted round to where he sat. He was still watching me, annoyance on his face. When he saw me looking, he glared and turned away.
I don’t want to love you this much. You don’t deserve it.
“Leah, how can you care about someone who looks at you that way?” Will asked, distracting me from my wistful thoughts.
“He doesn't mean it. It's something he does when he isn't getting his own way.”
My comment alarmed me because I hadn’t been consciously aware I could read him that well. I knew I was right though. If there was anything I doubted after chatting with him that afternoon, it wasn't that he cared about me, it was that he was too damn egotistical to do anything about it.
“Either way,” Will said, “it can't exactly endear you to him.”
“It's not one of his finer traits.”
“I wasn't aware that he possessed any.”
“Well, I think you have to be female to fully appreciate them.”
Rolling his eyes Will said, “Right.”
“Anyway,” I said, eager to steer the conversation away from Radleigh, “are you really gonna lecture me about my taste in men? Isn’t it time you grew a pair and told Freya you love her?”
He smiled. “Yes. Actually, I’ve been thinking about doing that while we’re here in London. Not tonight while we’re … rat-arsed … but maybe while we’re away from home it’ll be easier to get the words out.”
Short of Radleigh sweeping me off my feet, nothing could have made me happier than Will’s words. I kissed him on the cheek. “That’s what I like to hear!”