Imperfect

by Kelly Moore

  His eyes shift in Aedon’s direction. “Tell Dr. Manning it’s okay. He can let me die now.” He rolls his head toward me. “Thank you for saving my brother.” His head falls back as the words leave his lips.

  “Scott!” I yell and feel for a pulse again. “God damn it, don’t you die on me!” I rip his shirt open and start pounding on his chest.

  Aedon’s hands find mine and halt them. “Even if you get his heart started again, he’s not going to make it.”

  I lift my eyes toward her. “I can’t let him die!”

  “It’s out of your hands. Let him go peacefully.” Her eyes bore into mine, begging me to let him go.

  I jerk my hands from hers and back out of the car. I beat my fists on top of the crushed car until they are throbbing. Aedon’s hands wrap around my waist.

  “You did the best you could and you saved the one that you knew you could save.” Her head is resting in the middle of my back.

  I let my head fall on the wreckage. “I just needed more time,” I growl. “I fucking hate losing a kid!” Loosened shards of glass clatter around my feet, knocked out of place by my slamming fists.

  “Time wouldn’t have saved him. You know as well as I do that the minute you moved him, he would’ve died. The only thing that kept him alive as long as it did was the fact he was basically cut in half and the vessels were pinched off. Nothing you could’ve done would’ve saved that boy.” Her tears are spilling down the back of my scrubs.

  “I need to get the fuck out of here,” I say, lifting my head and turning around, making her loosen her grip. “We need to get back to the mash unit.” I stiffen my upper lip, so I can gain control of my emotions.

  I snatch my medical bag off the ground and head for the opening. “You go first, I’ll be right behind you.” She says nothing, but attaches the rope around her waist. I watch her be pulled up, inch by inch.

  As she makes it through the small opening, I turn back to where the firemen are pulling the bodies out of the wreckage. The sight of Scott laying there dead will haunt me forever. Never in my career have I lost a kid before.

  Chapter 11

  Ashe’s silence frightens me. He has done nothing but stare out the window the entire ride back to the MASH unit. I hope to God today doesn’t send him spiraling again. I had no idea what I was walking into when I got the call from Ander. He only said that Ashe needed more hands and wanted Wren to come help him. Wren was holding a man’s guts in his hands when he blew off Ander’s call, sending him to me.

  When I saw the small opening that I would be lowered down into to get to Ashe, I got a little claustrophobic. I couldn’t imagine how a man Ashe’s size fit down the hole. When I made it to the bottom and made my way over to him, sheer determination was etched on his masculine face.

  I knew the minute I looked at the boy that there was no hope for him. I also knew at the same time that Ashe would not give up so easily. All I could do was hold the boy’s hand as Ashe tried like hell to come up with a way to save him, but it was too late.

  Ashe’s facial expression is still torn between anger and pain. I reach out and place my hand on his leg. His eyes drop to my hand, but he makes no move to take it. As soon as the Jeep stops, he bounces out, headed straight for the tent. He delves straight into a surgery and so do I. I try to keep an eye on him, but my patient has just suffered a heart attack and requires my complete attention.

  “Where is Ashe?” I ask Wren, as other doctors’ come to relieve us.

  “I saw him leave a while ago. He looked exhausted. If I were him, I would be in a hot shower right about now.” He rips his scrubs off.

  “He lost a kid today out there in the field. I think we need to keep an eye on him.”

  “That’s always tough. Give me a second to wash up and we’ll go back to the hotel to check on him.”

  He steps away and I take a minute to check in with my parents. A few moments later, he’s back and we’re climbing in the back of the Jeep to head to the hotel. Wren is chatting with Ander, updating him on today. I can’t help but worry about Ashe. I know he’s tough, but losing a kid? There’s nothing like that, no way to prepare for it.

  “Hey, you okay?” Wren asks as he unclasps my knotted hands.

  “Yeah, I’m fine.” I give him a small smile.

  “He will be fine. He’s probably sitting with his feet propped up and having a stiff drink by now.”

  “I hope you’re right,” I say climbing out the back and almost running to the elevator.

  “Slow down, Aedon!” Wren yells from behind me.

  The elevator dings and I have to patiently stand off to the side to wait for a herd of people to exit. The last person barely steps out before I dash in, hitting the button several times.

  As soon as the door opens, I run down the hall to Ashe’s room and beat on his door. “Ashe, are you in there?” I place my ear against it, but I don’t hear anything. “Where is he, damn it?” I smack the door.

  “Maybe he’s in the shower. Let me call down and get the manager to open the door.” He tries to calm me.

  I pace in front of the door until Wren gets off the phone. “He will send someone up here to let us in.” He places his hand on my arm to stop my pacing. “Ashe wouldn’t do anything stupid. He’s not the man he was when he tried to kill himself. He’s strong and has learned to handle himself better when things get tough.”

  “I know, you’re right, but the look on his face scared me.”

  The elevator door dings, calling our attention. An older gentleman in a black suit walks toward us. He nods in our direction and uses his master key to open the door. I rush inside. “Ashe!”

  His clothes are in a pile on the bathroom floor and a towel is draped over the shower. I touch it and feel its dampness. “He’s been here.” I tell Wren as he walks into the bathroom.

  “He must have stepped out because his keys and wallet are gone.”

  I dig my phone out of my pocket, dialing his number. “He’s not answering.”

  “I’ll see if Ander has heard from him.” He steps out of the room and I plop down on Ashe’s bed. He comes back in a few seconds later. “He hasn’t been able to get him to answer either.”

  “Damn you, Ashe! Where the hell are you?”

  “Maybe he’s eating and doesn’t want to answer his phone. The poor man hasn’t eaten in days.”

  My eyes grow wide as I realize where he is. I hop off the bed, taking Wren with me. “I know where he went. The only time he doesn’t answer his phone is if he’s watching a movie. A movie calms him.” He walks behind me closing the hotel door as I link my Bluetooth with Ander. “Tell me where around here shows old movies and hasn’t been destroyed by the earthquake?” I hear his fingers clicking on the keyboard before he answers.

  “There are two. I’ll send you the addresses.”

  “Thanks.” I hear the notification chime in on my phone.

  “Keep me posted,” he says, then disconnects.

  As we make it to the bottom floor, I take Wren’s phone and plug in one of the addresses. “You go to this one. If he’s there, text me.”

  “Are you sure you want to split up? Maybe we should let him watch his movie. He’ll come back on his own.”

  “You can stay here if you want, but I’m going to find him.” I say, walking away. He catches me at the cab.

  “I’ll go, just be careful.” He shuts the door and hails a cab.

  I watch in the darkness as the driver diverts around the city. The power is still out in most of the areas. I know they work to get the most needed areas restored first. Military personnel are keeping looters out of the downtown areas. I flash my credentials when the cab driver stops at a building under heavy guard.

  “You’re all clear Dr. Thatcher. Do you need an escort?” the armed soldier asks.

  I tell him no and he waves us on.

  I hardly notice that the cab driver has finally made it through town and onto an open road, oblivious to the outside world as my thoughts c
onsume me. At some point, I’m going to have to admit to myself how much I still love Ashe. It wasn’t only the look on his face, I want to be with him, near him, and touching him. I’ve wanted it since the day I left him. That feeling has never faded for me. I’ve tried to squash everything I’ve felt for him the past several years. What would happen if I gave into those feelings? I close my eyes, trying to remember his touch on my skin. It gives me goosebumps. I know the taste of his lips on mine. I lick them in hopes of tasting him now. I remember all too well the feel of him inside of me. I squeeze my legs together to kill the ache that’s building.

  Why can’t I have him? I think to myself. I already know the answer. If I fall for him and it doesn’t work out again, it will destroy any kind of relationship we have. I can’t risk losing him forever. At least now, I have a part of him. There may come a day I have to give him up for another woman. The thought of him touching another woman hurts deep inside. I occupy my mind with thoughts about the day’s events, of all the people we helped save, to keep thoughts of being alone at bay. I’m not really alone, I have my best friend Wren and my fucked-up relationship with Lucifer. I laugh at the reference he made for himself.

  The cab stops, dragging me out of my thoughts. “This is the address,” the cabby says.

  I jump out and hand him some cash through the window. “Thanks.”

  I wrap my arms tight around myself and head inside the run-down theatre. The woman working at the door staunchly defends her post, not allowing me inside to look for Ashe without purchasing a ticket first. I walk into the dark theatre just as the credits are rolling across the screen, throwing just enough light for me to look around. I know if he’s here, he will be in the back row. Ascending several steps, I see his silhouette and dimly illuminated face sitting in the back, alone.

  Chapter 12

  Ashe

  It’s two in the morning and the credits for Casablanca are rolling across the screen for the second time now. After other doctors came to relieve us, I checked into my hotel room long enough to scrub off the stench of the day in the shower. Scott’s eyes rolling back into his head kept flashing in my mind. I slipped out and hailed a cab that took me an hour south of here to an all-night movie theatre.

  It’s a run-down old movie house in a town miraculously untouched by the quakes. A man in the front sits with his fingers laced together behind his leaned-back head as a hooker gives him a blow job. The film projector casts the shadow of her head bobbing up and down on the bottom edge of the movie screen. The sound of the movie drowns out his moans. Aside from him, the only other person in here is a homeless man sleeping in a row of chairs. I had bought food and snuck it in, but when I saw how frail he looked, I left it lying beside him to eat whenever he wakes up. I was too exhausted to walk back out to the concession stand to get anything, and it’s been over 24 hours since I’ve had anything other than water.

  The movie restarts for the third time. I lay my head back and close my eyes, and there he is again, with his pale face and hollow eyes. I snap my head back up and see someone come into the theatre. It’s dark, but I instantly recognize her shape and movements. Her head turns in my direction and her wandering feet gain new purpose as they head towards me. She slides down the row and lowers the seat, quietly sitting beside me.

  We look each over for a long moment in the darkness of the theatre. She holds her hand out with her fingers spread wide. I place my hand in hers and she curls it into her lap, with her fingers firmly wrapped around my hand.

  “I knew I’d find you at a movie house,” she says, laying her head on my shoulder. “We went to your hotel room to check on you. We were both so worried when you weren’t there. We split up. There are only 2 all-night movie houses in an hour radius from the hotel.”

  “So, that guy’s probably watching a movie with a hooker,” I point to the couple upfront, “which means you’re stuck with me.” I let out a low chuckle.

  Her other hand rubs up and down my arm, gently. “I’m never stuck with you, Ashe. You know me - if I didn’t want to be here, I’d be sound asleep in my hotel room.”

  I rest my head on top of hers. “I haven’t been so close to losing my shit in years,” I whisper and her hand tightens around mine. “I can’t get that kid out of my head.”

  “I remember the first time I lost a kid. It was right after you and I broke up. Wren and I went out and drank too much. I paid for it the next day. Now, I tell myself that I’m the best chance they have. If I can’t fix them, they were going to die anyway. It’s still awful to watch a child die.”

  I take my hand from hers and wrap my arm around her, drawing her closer to me. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, like you are for me. I’m glad you had Wren.” I kiss her temple.

  Halfway through the movie, Wren walks into the theatre. He finds us in the last row and silently joins us, never saying a word until the credits start rolling again.

  “We should all try to go get some sleep. There are only a few hours left until sunrise,” he says.

  “I don’t think I could sleep at this point, but I’m damn near starving. How about the two of you get some shuteye while I search for a diner.”

  “I could eat. How about you?” Aedon asks Wren.

  He runs his hand over his scruffy face. “Sleep is overrated. I saw a diner across the street.” He takes Aedon’s hand and walks her out of the aisle.

  As we walk out, I see the homeless man scarfing down the food I left him. I pull out a wad of cash from my pocket and hand it to him. “That should be enough for you to eat for a couple of days.” He thanks me and I follow them out. I’m lost in thought as we make our way to the diner.

  There was a time before college and before I met Aedon that I lived on the streets. I didn’t know what was wrong with me at the time and my highs and lows sent me whirling out of control. I had no money and vividly remember begging for food and eating out of garbage bins. My dad found me laying in an alley one day and I awoke to the sound of his sobs over what he thought was his son’s dead body. I love my dad with my whole heart and his crying cut me to my core. He scooped my large frame up in his arms and carried me to the hospital. It was the first time the bipolar diagnosis was mentioned, but I didn’t want to believe it or accept it at the time. I wish I could have, things would be so different with Aedon now.

  The bell jingles against the glass door as Wren opens it, bringing me back to the present. “Gotta love a greasy diner,” he says.

  We sit at a small booth, Aedon sitting beside Wren. I want to think it’s because she wants to keep an eye on me. A young bleach-blonde girl, smacking her gum, takes our order and leaves a carafe of coffee on the table. I pour a mug for each of us.

  “You do realize we have to be back in the MASH unit in another two hours?” I say, pouring cream in my coffee.

  “It won’t be the first time we’ve gone without sleep,” Aedon says, blowing away the tendrils of steam rising from the surface of her coffee.

  “How did your patient in the field do??” I ask Wren.

  “It was a woman who had been trapped in the rubble. She lived in a two-story building in a bottom unit and the second story came crashing down on her during the earthquake. Her appendix ruptured and they couldn’t move her without killing her. We created a make-shift sterile area and I removed her appendix and got her stabilized right there in the field. It was amazing.” His tired face lights up as he tells me. “That’s great, man. I’m glad it went well for you.” I shut my eyes briefly and see Scott’s face.

  “Ashe saved a ten-year-old kid in the field. He drilled a hole in his head to relieve pressure on the brain,” Aedon adds.

  I peer out the dark window at the circle of light on the sidewalk cast by a lone streetlight – the only source of light around for several blocks.

  “That’s awesome. I wish I had your talent.” Wren says as our food is set on the table.

  “You have tons of talent. Besides, I saved one, but lost…”

  “Don’
t go there, Ashe. That boy would have died if it wasn’t for you. The other boy would have died regardless of what you did and you know it,” Aedon’s words cut me off.

  I push my plate out of the way. “That doesn’t make it any easier. He was just a kid.”

  “Yes, and one kid will live the rest of his life because of you,” she adds, taking a bite of her eggs.

  “Some life. Both parents and a brother dead.” I get out of the booth and throw cash on the table.

  “Where are you going?” Aedon asks, getting up after me. “You need to eat something.

  “I’ve lost my appetite. I’m going to check on the boy.”

  As I open the diner door, I hear Wren telling Aedon to let me go.

  I find his room on the 5th floor Intensive Care Unit. A nurse is sitting in a folding chair outside his room. I flash her my credentials and ask her to log into his chart.

  “Are you the doctor that saved him?”

  I glance at her name badge. “How’s he doing, Missy? Has he woken up yet?”

  “He has and he’s doing amazing, thanks to you.”

  “Is he following commands?”

  “He is, and all his reflexes are intact.”

  “Does he know his family is dead?” I ask, keeping my voice low.

  “He does. He has an older sister that was here earlier. She’s in her twenties and has a baby. She broke the news to him.”

  “Thank God he has someone.” I press the foam sanitizer container and enter his room. His eyes open when he sees me at the foot of his bed. “How are you feeling?”

  “You’re him. The doctor who saved me. I remember your voice. I heard you talking to…Scott.” His voice cracks saying his name.

  “I’m sorry I couldn’t save him.” I sit on the edge of his bed and my tears finally start to fall. Here I am, the big, bad-ass neurosurgeon, crying like a baby at the foot of a kid’s bed.