Murder Machine and the Catastrophic Athletic Festival

by Mizuki Mizushiro

  “No, no. I’m telling you, I’m not—”

  If I go up against him, I’ll get myself killed without laying a single finger or even toe on him. Of course, Kyousuke couldn’t say that.

  It was true that Kurumiya had only given them the warning to “be careful” about Renji and had not revealed any detailed information. It was the same as she had done regarding Renko. With her limiter safety device removed, Renko certainly warranted a threat level of S+ or higher, and Renji’s physical abilities were more than a match for hers.

  Though, I don’t think he’ll take off the gas mask as long as he’s not in any great predicament… But after all, she said, “Let’s smash them up the best we can.” It seems like the mother is intent on destroying us completely. We had better be careful, or our deaths will be quick.

  “That’s right, that’s right, an easy victory!” Ayaka clung to Kyousuke’s somber self. She looked around the classroom boastfully. “Because my big brother has completely destroyed a group of more than thirty bikers all by himself before! If it’s a one-on-one fight, he won’t lose to anyone!”

  “H-hey—”

  “Come on! You’re everyone’s leader, big brother, so you have to be imposing! If you’re in a mood to lose, then we’ll all lose at the athletic festival! We might be killed… Don’t you think?”

  Kyousuke was taken aback as his sister secretly whispered into his ear. No matter what the truth was, his classmates were relying on Kyousuke the Warehouse Butcher. And in that case, he would have to meet their expectations.

  Even if he was bluffing, he would have to pull the class along. If he didn’t, they wouldn’t be able to fight to the bitter end of the athletic festival. They wouldn’t be able to make it through without killing anyone or getting themselves killed.

  It was probably a dream within a dream to graduate from this institution peacefully and uneventfully. That was why—

  “…Ah, you’re right. It’s just like you said, Ayaka. That gas mask guy is nothing but a big hunk of meat. I’ll put him down in an instant! He’s a small fry, a small fry! And all the others are the same. Whether they’re mass murderers or spree killers or serial killers…I’ll knock ’em all out at once, so don’t worry, you guuuuuuyyyyyys!” Anxiety, hesitation, fear, conflict… As if he was throwing them off, Kyousuke howled.

  The classroom fell silent for a moment before erupting into tremendous excited cheering.

  “““Ooooooooohhhhhh!”””

  “That’s our Kamiya!” shouted Shinji in admiration.

  “Kyousuke is so totally amazing!” whooped Tomomi cheerfully.

  Oonogi and Usami clapped their hands, and Ayaka gave him a thumbs-up.

  “How cool!” Maina’s eyes were sparkling.

  “…Hmm?” Eiri raised an eyebrow.

  “““Ka-mi-ya! Ka-mi-ya!”””

  His classmates broke into an uproar.

  And—

  “…………Kksshh.”

  In the back of the classroom, on the side where the door had been left open, stood Renji, entirely still, staring at Kyousuke.

  '

  Scary Killers Scaring Killers

  SCREAM OUT FESTIVAL

  THIRD EVENT

  NINETEENTH PURGATORIUM REMEDIAL ACADEMY ATHLETIC FESTIVAL

  • MORNING

  1. Entry Procession / Opening Ceremony

  2. Purgatory-Style Warm-Up Exercises

  3. Hundred-Meter Slaughter Footrace

  4. Slice-and-Dice Steel Thread Leap

  5. Guillotine Escape Game

  6. Calamity Arms Race

  7. Poison Bread Russian Roulette

  8. Seek-and-Destroy Challenge

  9. Very Large (One Ton) Ball Rolling

  10. Apocalyptic Cavalry Battle

  • AFTERNOON

  11. Unhinged Obstacle Course

  12. Explosion Tug-of-War

  13. ’Til Death Do Us Part

  14. Group Ball-Toss Rave

  15. Thousand-Meter Slaughter Footrace

  16. Captivating Teacher Costume Contest

  17. Eight-Hundred-Meter Pandemonium Relay

  18. All-Out Knock-Down Brawl ~A Final Showdown~*

  19. Closing Ceremony / Moment of Silence

  *A contest between the two classes with the most points, with the winners declared the ultimate victors.

  Beneath a cloudless blue sky, the air exploded with chaotic hardcore music. When the discordant riffs and tumultuous drumming eventually subsided, a shrill shout rang out over the grounds.

  “YEEEEEEEEEEAH! Don’t sit there in silence, you crazy guys and bitchezzz! It’s the once-a-year festival when you, frustrated from being cooped up in a filthy box, can finally get your psycho fix! I’m raising the curtain on the Nineteenth Purgatorium Remedial Academy Athletic Festival, suckaaaaaaaaaaaaas!”

  From a tent housing a makeshift DJ booth, a girl with hair dyed in brightly colored streaks shouted into the microphone; her voice was high-pitched, ignoring the screeching feedback blasting from the speakers.

  “Are you waiting with your crotches spread wide, virgins? Are you ready and raring to go, cherries? This year, as always, I expect you kinky people will have an extreme, exciting, excessive death match, motherfuckers! Shit on caution! Fuck morals! Slay to your hearts’ content, killers! …And, providing live coverage will be Pretty Fucking Sick, the most popular girl in school, yours truly, Kurisu Arisugawa—”

  “—and back from temporary retirement (that was absolutely not a cover for anything suspicious) it’s Venom Opera, the most hated person at school, stuck keeping her in check—it’s me, Kirito Busujima.” Seated beside the high-energy student, Busujima flatly finished the introduction.

  Kurisu put one leg up on the desk and flashed a satanic hand sign.

  “FUUUUUUUUUUCK! That’s the MC pair we’ve got lined up for you, bastard pigs! Don’t go dyin’ in the middle of things!! Ride with us all the way to the finale! First up is the entry procession. Go ahead and show your scorn and disdain for the reckless blockheads, the ninety-nine people participating in this playful festival! Now, heeeeeere weeeee gooooooooo!”

  —Immediately, another burst of music exploded over the grounds. This time it was outrageous death metal. Across from the MC tent, the students, who had been waiting on standby, entered the grounds, passing through an ominous admission gate decorated to look like the gates of hell.

  In the lead was a group wearing long white jackets with the word KILL written on the backs in red. They moved down the track in perfect sync, led by a girl who resembled a high-quality porcelain doll. She wore a white headband over long, honey-colored hair and held aloft a matching white class banner, boldly heading up the procession.

  “Weeeeeell now, well now, well now! First to enter is Class A of the third-year division, with a class color of despairing white! With the beautiful Public Morals Committee chair known as Killing Mania Saki Shamaya as their front lady, Arch Enemy Anji Gosou, and the principal members of the Murder Princess Fan Club belonging to this class, they’re an undeniable favorite to win! Their homeroom teacher is the kindest and most feared teacher in the school, Outrange Outrage, Miss Mihiro Mizuchi! Their team slogan for the athletic festival is ‘We shall take the championship. You have our sympathies, all of you lost causes!’ composed by Saki Shamaya! Her prissy manners sure are irritating, but you’ve gotta put some stock in the words of the princess who has killed twenty-one people, right? …You know, I’ve nearly been killed quite a few times myself!”

  “Right you are. Both in name and substance, she is the foremost killer at this institution.”

  The next group to appear wore stab-proof vests over jet-black uniforms, along with thick gloves and combat boots. They were fully equipped like special forces troopers and goose-stepped in unison, led by a slit-eyed male student.

  “Also, also, this group is another top contender! Black from head to toe, it’s the combat group of third-year Class B! Their class color is septic black! They’ve got t
he Public Morals Committee vice-chair Takaya ‘Under Oath’ Kiriu, and Heartless Mei Kuroki. Along with Faceless Amon Abashiri and many others, they’re really a formidable class! Their homeroom teacher is the mysterious old man Mr. Greyman, the Moon Maniac! Their team slogan for the athletic festival is ‘Although this may be a festival, we must still show restraint. Let us kill with moderation,’ by Takaya Kiriu! Hooo, that’s just like the (self-styled) conscience of the academy! …Now, I, Kurisu Arisugawa, am also a member of third-year Class B, but I will not be participating in the festival so that I can provide live coverage of the events. A narrow escape from death that was, you good-for-nothings!! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!”

  “…… Yes, and next are the second-years.”

  Busujima continued the broadcast while Kurisu continued laughing maniacally.

  A gaudy group wearing pink patches entered, followed by another group wearing purple happi coats over bleached cotton outfits, and began circling the grounds.

  Holding the first group’s pink class flag was a male student of medium build whose mouth was hidden by a skull scarf. His bangs were highlighted the same color as his clothes.

  “Second-year Class A, their class color is entrail pink. Headed up by the infamous Ripper Jack brothers, this class is home to problem children, a place for sadistic and violently bizarre killers—”

  “Home to problem children? That’s kuh-razy! Compared to me, the queen of problem children, they’re just little cuties, Mister. Compared to me, the theatrical serial killer nicknamed Nightmare Theater, who put on a violent production using the Japanese police, the media, and all the ordinary people as cast members—”

  “We’re not talking about you. Please do your job, Miss Arisugawa.”

  “Hyah?!” Kurisu withered at the sight of a venomous snake winding its way around her neck. “S-sorry… O-on with the broadcast! Second-year Class A, their homeroom teacher is the narcissist cross-dresser—I mean, the beautiful, fashionable Kaleido Blade Dahlia Barazono! Their team slogan for the athletic festival is ‘Victory or defeat doesn’t matter. We’re just here to enjoy the hunt,’ by Takamoto Yatsuzaki! Well, I certainly can’t argue with that—if you’re not having fun, then what’s the point?! He’s got it spot on, this one.”

  “—But, however!” Kurisu shouted, the venomous snake still coiled around her, “going by their outfits, the ones set to enjoy the festival the most are probably these guys…second-year Class B!”

  The group she indicated, parading around in happi coats with BLOOD FESTIVAL written on the backs, certainly appeared festive. However, in place of the portable shrine typically carried in such processions, they carried on their shoulders—a blood-red beast.

  Its short and stout body, about five feet long, was covered in hair, and its ears, which tapered from the top of its head, bounced around wildly. Its glassy, distant eyes and the tongue dangling between its fangs gave it an eerie appearance. It was—a kigurumi mascot costume.

  The cartoonish creature was also wearing a happi coat and waved the purple class flag as it was carried along by its classmates. It was truly a surreal spectacle.

  “Their class color is depression purple! The thing that they’re carrying around like a portable shrine is, in fact, the person often hailed as the strongest second-year student, Beast of the Gale Haruyo Gevaudan Tanakaaa! …Hmm? You want to see inside the suit? Stop right there! Last year, another student caught a peek inside and ended up in a body bag for his trouble! And the homeroom teacher entrusted with such a dangerous person is the plump middle-aged man Mr. Shidou ‘Break Fast’ Muguruma! Just like their teacher, who is a master assassin, this class is especially skilled at armed combat! Their team slogan for the athletic festival is ‘All those who oppose our military rule will be utterly defeated. Prepare yourselves,’ by Haruyo the Beast! It’s kinda hard to read, because it’s written all weird!”

  “And despite appearances, she’s more or less a girl.”

  “Yes, indeed, and there’s even a rumor circulating that she’s a beautiful girl—they say it might be true! But while we’re all curious about Miss Haruyo’s appearance, here come some new faces! They passed the psycho murder entrance exam and signed up for school here; they’re (essentially) supernova psychopaths—it’s the first-yeeeaaars! Welcoooooome! Welcome to heeeeeelll!”

  Accompanied by Kurisu’s ever more enthusiastic coverage and violent hardcore background music, Kyousuke and the others entered the festival grounds. Their arms and legs moved neatly in sync as they marched along the track. They were clad in white gym uniforms with red shorts, and the girls wore old fashioned bloomers.

  Kurisu wrapped the venomous snake around her like a towel and continued shouting. “The first ones I’ll introduce are first-year Class A! Their class color is fresh-blood red! Their homeroom teacher’s outward appearance belies her extreeeeeeme inner nature—it’s Bellows Maria Hijiri Kurumiya! And the player to watch in Kurumiya’s class, well-known for his savagery, is without a doubt…thaaat guuuyyy!”

  “……?!”

  In a panic, Kyousuke and the others dodged the venomous snake that was suddenly soaring toward them. Fixing his grip on the bright red class banner, Kyousuke reflexively glared at the broadcasters’ seats.

  Kurisu feigned exaggerated terror. “Hyeee?! Ooohhh, it seems I’ve got his attention now! I sent the snake flying and got an amaaazing scowl launched right back at me! That’s just like the Warehouse Butcher… There were daggers in his eyes, no lies!

  “But aaanyyywaaaaaay, that guy’s name is Kyousuke Kamiya. He’s a real top-grade killer, a high-ranking mass murderer who took out twelve people! Can the upperclassmen hold down this monster, already distinguished from the other newcomers?! Or will he take them out all at once, just like his victiiimmms?! This group’s team slogan for the athletic festival is ‘I’ll crush you all in one go, old-timers. It’ll be an instant kill, an instant kill—die, you sack of garbage!’ by Kyousuke Kamiya!”

  “Huh?”

  Hold up. No way do I remember writing something that provocative. Judging by the phrasing, it’s gotta be Kurumiya’s doing…

  A cold sweat welled up on Kyousuke’s back as the atmosphere on the grounds erupted into a frenzy.

  “Hyeeeeee! What did you say, Kyousuke Kamiya?! Called Slayer, Megadeth, Metallica, Anthrax, and more, is the mad dog who had so many nicknames before entering school here still going strong?!” Kurisu taunted. “Stirring up so much conflict right at the opening of the event, provoking the upperclassmen’s desire to kiiillllll!”

  “My desire to kill is also on the rise, you know. What do you think you’re doing to my dear friend…”

  Ignoring Busujima, who glared at her with scornful eyes, Kurisu continued her coverage:

  “However, that’s not all we’ve got this year! In the remaining first-year Class B, there’s another increeedible monster! Their class color is coldhearted blue! Their homeroom teacher is our own Mr. Kirito Busujima!”

  “…Well, I was, anyway. After my, ah, ‘incident,’ a substitute was quickly called in from outside and is now acting as temporary homeroom teacher. I don’t believe that the second-and third-year students know her yet, so allow me to give her a small introductio—”

  “Nice to meet you, naughty children!”

  Just then, a woman dressed in white grabbed the microphone and hijacked the broadcasting booth.

  “I am Reiko Hikawa. Today I will be participating in the athletic festival as the homeroom teacher for first-year Class B! It’s my first time, so be gentle, okay? Heh-heh… Oh, by the way, my boobs are a J cup.”

  “……?!”

  Instantly, the students marching in tight formation fell into disarray (mainly the boys). Innumerable eyes turned to the broadcasting booth. First-year Class B, already well aware of that information, continued marching undisturbed. Wearing track pants and blue band T-shirts emblazoned with GMK48, they were led by a girl in a black gas mask and walked on in a well-organized fashion.

  Busujima,
who had gotten the mic back, informed the crowd that “Classes aside from first-year Class B will receive a demerit.”

  Kurisu, who was staring fixedly at Reiko’s chest, snapped back to her senses. “Unnnnnnbelievable! Hey, hey, are you serious, ABCDEFGHIJ cup?! J-J-J cup?!” Her voice rang with awe. “What the hell?! This female teacher is packing unthinkable weapons of mass destruction. She’s not equipped with nuclear bombs but nuclear boobs. It’s a mammary maaaaaassacre! Incidentally, even I, a mere B cup, have been severely wounded…”

  Placing a hand on her flat chest, Kurisu gritted her teeth. However, she immediately shook her head back and forth and renewed her grip on the microphone.

  “O-okay…back to the coverage! Led by this unimaginable GTO—Great Teacher Oppai—first-year Class B has a boy and girl who wear gas masks around the clock, a girl with a flour sack on her head, a boy so covered in tattoos that his skin is green…and that’s just the beginning. It’s where all the weirdos are gathered, a real avant-garde party! Their team slogan for the athletic festival is ‘Boobies!’ by Renko Hikawa! …Huh? Just that? What the hell! Even a joke can go too far! What a bunch of boob promoters—Ooohhhhhh, what is that?! That gas mask girl’s boobs are also huuuuuuge! Holy cow! Whaddya have to eat to grow those things?! Goddamn! Shit! Jesus! Panna cotta! Fuu—?!”

  Slamming the mic down, Kurisu tore at her hair and madly smashed her face into the desk like she was headbanging along to an unheard tune.

  Ignoring her, Busujima continued the coverage. “Uh… And that makes six classes in total. Altogether there are ninety-nine people contending for the number of points necessary to secure overall victory. There will be violence and blood and tears. It’ll be a hard-core show, with a cast of murderers. There are absolutely no morals or human rights here, folks! Everyone, get excited, and let’s begin!”