by Kaylee, Katy
“I did.” As zoos went, the Central Park one wasn’t very big, but it was ideal for a five-year-old.
“What’s that?” Hannah said tugging Ash toward a pen.
“It’s a red panda,” he answered, reading the sign.
She looked up at him with her, you’re-teasing-me face. “Nuh-uh. Pandas are white and have black on them. They’re really cute. Those look like… raccoons.”
“They do, don’t they?” Ash said. “But this sign says they’re red pandas.”
“They’re cute too. Mommy, can we get a stuffed one in the gift shop?”
“I’ll get you one,” Ash said. I wasn’t sure if he did that because he knew I was broke, or just because he wanted to. It didn’t matter as both were true.
After the zoo, Ash got us dirty water dogs from a vendor.
“Are you sure these are safe?” I asked.
Ash looked at me quizzically. “You grew up in the city, you know exactly what these are.”
“I wasn’t a mom worried about making my daughter sick.”
“I’ve never heard anyone getting sick,” he answered. We headed toward the pond that had the model boats. As Hannah’s energy petered out, Ash lifted her onto his shoulders.
“Oh my gosh… look how high I am!” She gripped Ash around the neck, probably choking him.
He adjusted her hands. “You haven’t ridden on someone’s shoulders?”
“Nope. I like this.”
He looked at me. “Not even uncle Ben?”
I gave him a look to tell him not to make Ben look bad in Hannah’s eyes. Then again, Ben didn’t need any help looking bad.
“Nope. He’s sick a lot and won’t go to the doctor. I went to the doctor when I was sick. It was scary.”
“You’re so brave,” Ash said.
After watching the boats, it was clear that Hannah needed a rest, so we walked home, this time Ash carried her in his arms as she dozed on and off. Once home, he carried her and her stuffed red panda up to her room, and I went to grab the laundry out of the dryer. It was another task I learned to do since we didn’t have staff taking care of such things for us, anymore.
“She’s zonked out,” he said when he came down.
“She had a lovely time. Thank you, Ash.”
He frowned. “Don’t thank me for being a father.” His tone reminded me of how hurt he was over my betrayal.
I nodded when I heard him. “As a father, you can’t have every visit be a day at the park.” If he was really going to take on the role, he needed to be there for the not so fun stuff too.
He put his hands on his hips and glared at me. “This was my first day, Beth. Had I known about her, I’m sure I would have had opportunities to be there for the not so fun stuff. In fact, I was there when she was in the hospital. That wasn’t so fun.”
Oh God, I was doing it again. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” I started to fold my clothes, hoping I could control my mouth.
He let out a breath and watched me. “You had to let Mrs. Andrews go?”
I nodded. “Her daughter, Morgan, babysits for me sometimes, but they’ve had to find other work.” Out of nowhere, emotion swept up and I started to cry.
“Jesus, Beth, what’s wrong?”
I waved my hand to tell him I was being silly, but the words gushed out. “This whole nightmare is getting to be too much.” Then, because I didn’t want him to think I was a spoiled brat, I elaborated. “I don’t mind doing my own laundry or cleaning my own toilets. But so many people relied on us for their livelihoods and we let them down. Mrs. Andrews is sick. She should be retired and well-cared for, but we can’t do that for her.”
Ash’s eyes softened. “It’s not all your fault. I’ve gone through the accounting, Beth. Your dad died leaving you and Ben in a tough spot. It’s not surprising that he wasn’t able to maneuver out of it.”
“He’s very capable, Ash. He’s just… broken. And I’m tired of trying to hold it together for him.”
“So, you were going to leave him too?”
I heard the edge to his tone. “You said it yourself, it’s not good for him to be around Hannah. It’s so sad because he loves her and she loves him, but he’s lost.” I put the little mermaid nightgown down, unable to concentrate enough to fold it. “We’re staying, Ash. We’ve sold the house so I don’t know where we’ll end up, but we’ll stay in the city or close to the city. You don’t have to worry about me taking her away.”
He gave a curt nod. “I still want it on paper that I’m her father.”
“Yes, of course.”
“And whatever you need for her, I’ll provide it.”
I tensed and knew it was my pride. I didn’t want to be indebted to him, but he was Hannah’s father and she deserved the best in life. Ash could provide that.
His phone beeped and he pulled it out. He shook his head and put the phone back in his pocket.
“Do you need to go? I’m sure your father and brothers are wondering where you are.”
“I quit.”
My heart dropped. “What? Why?”
“This situation we’re in, Beth, is partly our father’s fault. I’m done being a pawn in my father’s game. But don’t worry, Hannah will be well taken care of.”
“I’m not worried.” I knew he had his own money outside of Raven Industries. “I just…I thought you liked your work.”
“I did. But now I have a daughter I want to get to know.”
His phone beeped again. “Fuck.” He pulled it out and read the text. “I should probably call.”
“Yes, of course.”
“I’ll see myself out.”
“Okay.” I watched as he walked out. I was happy he was committed to Hannah even as my heart broke that I killed what he’d felt for me. “Oh, Ash?”
“Yeah?” He looked at me over his shoulder.
“I say ‘fudge.’”
His brows drew together and then understanding dawn. “Right. I’ll work on the swearing.”
When he left, I sank down in the chair. This was going to be my life. A single mom whose daughter spent part of her time at her dad’s. As happy as I was for Hannah to have him in her life, and knowing there’d be financial help to care for her, I was sick that I could have had it all. The man and the child. A life with him. Maybe more children.
“Where’d Daddy go?” Hannah stood in the doorway of the kitchen.
“He had to go to work.”
“When will I see him again?” she asked, her little face a mixture of seriousness and worry.
“Soon, I’m sure. He didn’t want to go and I bet he’ll call or visit soon. Do you want a snack? How about apples and peanut butter.” She needed something to offset the dirty water dog and ice cream.
“Okay.”
I made a place for her at the table, as she climbed into her chair.
“Do you think he’d like it if I made a picture?”
“I know he’d love it,” I said, pulling an apple from the fruit basket and getting the peanut butter from the pantry.
“I’m going to make a picture of all of us and the red panda.”
29
Ash – Monday
The last thing I wanted to do was go into the office. I’d quit, goddammit… er… gosh darn it. When I got outside Beth’s house, I called Chase.
“I’m not coming in.”
“I heard. Listen, I’m not going to talk you into coming back—”
“Then let me be.” I supposed he’d heard by now that I was a father and it was a little perturbing that he was focused on work when I was having a major life crisis.
“You told Hunter this McAdams thing was important, and to do it, we need to talk to you. And if you’re quitting, you need to offboard your work to us. I’m sorry little bro, you need to come in.”
“Fuck.” Ah… fudge. “I’ll be there in twenty.
I drove to the Rookery, the home office of Raven Industries. Walking into the building, I took the elevator to the top floor and went straight to Chase
’s office. As I passed various employees, I nodded to those who acknowledged me but ignored everyone else. It was hard to tell if the word had gotten around about my altercation with my father and the fact that I had a five-year-old daughter. But I didn’t give a fuck what people knew.
I strode into Chase’s office prepared to make the case for the McAdams purchase and then leave. Offboarding could be done later.
I went straight to the bar, got a drink, and sat in my usual spot, trying not to feel strange at the way my brothers were looking at me.
“Let’s get this done,” I said.
Chase was at his desk, while Hunter stood to the side of the room, and Kade sat on the couch.
“Shouldn’t we start with the elephant in the room?” Kade asked.
“Ash will tell us what he wants us to know if and when he wants us to know it,” Chase said. I looked at Hunter who shook his head slightly to indicate he hadn’t said anything to them about his visit that morning. Chances were Grace told him not to.
“You’re kidding. He nearly kicked dad’s ass,” Kade said.
“We’ve all wanted to do that,” Hunter argued.
“Yeah, but out of us all, Ash is the last one who would.”
I sighed. “He fucked up my life. More than he knows, or maybe he just doesn’t care.”
“So, it’s true?” Chase asked. I nearly questioned his comment about letting me share in my own time, but I figured if I got everything out fast, we could move on.
“Six years ago, I got together with Beth McAdams. Her father and ours didn’t like that, so they separated us. Turns out she was pregnant and no one told me.”
“Not even Beth?” Chase asked. “I always thought she was a pretty even-keeled kid.”
“She tried, but dad intercepted her letter.” So many things crushed my heart and that was one of them. My own father had prevented me from knowing about my child. Had my mother known about this? “And now here we are.”
“You spent the morning with her?” Chase asked. “Your daughter?”
I nodded. And then unable to stop myself, I pulled out my phone and pulled up a picture of her holding her red panda in one hand and a hot dog in the other. I handed it to Chase.
He took the phone and smiled wide, making me feel like the proud father I was. “She’s beautiful, Ash.”
Hunter moved behind him and looked at the picture over Chase’s shoulder. “She has your dent.”
“Yes.”
“Let me see,” Kade held out his hand as he stood and went toward the deck. “She looks like Beth.”
“Mostly, yes.”
“Are you sure she’s your—”
“Yes,” I ground out.
Kade held up his hands in surrender. “Sorry man, but that family is hurting and this would be a good way to get the money they need.”
“I brought this to you before I knew about her,” I said.
“That doesn’t mean they weren’t manipulating you.”
“She’s his,” Hunter said, glaring at Kade.
“Maybe we should move on to the business deal,” Chase said.
I took my phone back from Kade. “I know you think I’m biased, and I won’t deny it. But the numbers work if we sell some of the assets and focus on the money makers.”
“I’ll admit that the inn out in the Hamptons looks appealing,” Chase said. “It being so close to Kade’s restaurant adds an extra potential. Dad likes it when our assets are close to each other.”
“I agree. It will be a challenge, but I don’t know about Ben,” Kade said. “Rumor is he has a serious drinking problem.”
“He does. And he hates my guts. But I think if he got clean, he could be an asset. He knows McAdams business better than anyone.”
“What about Beth?” Chase asked.
“She’d be too. She did work in Europe for her dad until he got sick.”
Kade laughed. “You’ll make up for all those lost years by sending her to work, while you’ll be Mr. Mom?”
“Maybe I will,” I said annoyed at him. “Only not Mr. Mom. Beth and I aren’t together.”
“Why?” Chase asked. “You’ve pined for her for years. Now you can stick it to dad.”
“She did wait five years to tell him about the kid,” Kade said.
“I can forgive the five years. It’s the last few weeks and her plan to never tell me that I can’t get over.”
“Harsh,” Kade said.
“I’m sorry, Ash. I know that must be hard.” Chase looked at me in pity. I hated it.
“I don’t know why you don’t fight for her,” Hunter said.
“Did you miss the part about how she was going to keep his kid from him?” Kade quipped.
“No, but I also know that Dad and old man McAdams win if Ash and Beth let this keep them apart.”
“How do I forgive that?” Every time I thought about it, I wanted to hit or throw something.
“Did she tell you why she did what she did?” Chase asked.
“She was afraid I’d hurt the kid.”
“You mean like leave… like you did six years ago?” Hunter said. Why did I feel like he was on Beth’s side now?
“That was because our fathers threatened me.”
“Did she forgive you that?” Chase asked.
“Yes, but again, I blame dad for stealing five years of my daughter’s life from me. From her. But the last few weeks, Beth could have told me about Hannah. She planned to leave town and I’d never know. Even though since the moment I’d seen her again, I told her I wanted her back.” How was I the bad guy in this?
“Women are crazy when it comes to their children,” Chase said. “I’m pretty sure Sara said she’d chop my balls off if I ever hurt our child the way her parents hurt her.”
Ouch. Still. Didn’t they see how she hurt me? “The fact that she thinks I’m the type of man that would hurt a child or take her child away tells me she doesn’t know or respect me.”
“Or she’s just afraid to lose the one thing she still has,” Hunter said, sounding more and more like Grace. “Her father’s dead. His business is dying. Her brother is a drunk. After all that, do you think you’d want to put all your eggs in the basket of a man who knocked you up and then left you instead of standing up to his father?”
Kade let out a whistle. “Thank you, Dr. Grace.”
Hunter shrugged. “If you love her, which I think you do otherwise you wouldn’t hurt so much, then you should fight for her.”
“He’ll look like a sap,” Kade said. “She’ll walk all over him.”
I didn’t think she’d do that, but I still couldn’t see how I could simply let go of the fact that she planned to keep my child from me.
“Life is messy,” Chase said. “I fell in love with Sara although I fought and kicked the whole way.”
“She didn’t betray you,” I pointed out.
“Grace tried to pull the same bullshit you are. She couldn’t be with me because I kept trying to fix things and only made it worse. Because she couldn’t trust I’d be faithful. And so on.”
“Really?” Kade asked.
Hunter rolled his eyes. “Yes, really. She was as fucked up as I was up here.” He pointed to his head. “But in the end, she had to decide if she’d rather take the risk and be happy with me, or let me go and always wonder what could have been. Thank fuck she chose the former.”
“It’s not the same,” I said.
“It is. Are you happier with her than without her? And does she feel the same?”
“I don’t know.” I looked down. “I told her I loved her, but she didn’t reply.”
“Ah fuck… that sucks,” Kade said.
“Your commentary doesn’t help, Kade,” Chase chastised. He looked at me. “You have time, Ash. Whatever you decide about you and Beth, you’ll still be together because of the child. Maybe time will change how you feel and maybe not. But Beth is in your life regardless.”
I nodded. “I know.” Feeling tired, I moved the meetin
g back to the McAdams purchase. In the end, they decided they wanted to go for it, but were still on the fence about Ben. Now they just had to convince dad.
Me, I was out of there. I was glad that none of them tried to talk me out of leaving the company. Maybe they knew I needed time to get to know my daughter. Or maybe they figured I’d get bored and come back. Whatever the reason, I was glad I didn’t have to argue with them about my decision.
I headed home, really wanting to go see Hannah, and if I was honest, Beth as well, although I didn’t see how I could get past what she’d done. At the same time, Hunter was right; I’d loved Beth for so long. If I couldn’t forgive her, would I regret that?
As I walked into the house, my phone beeped. Taking it out of my pocket, I saw a message from Beth.
Hannah wants to video chat. Do you have time?
It was still amazing to me that I was a father.
Yes.
A few seconds later, my phone rang indicating I had a video call. I picked it up.
“Hi, Daddy,” Hannah’s sweet face appeared on my screen taking my breath away.
“Hi, cutie pie. What’s up?” I walked out onto my terrace to enjoy the afternoon and chat with my daughter.
“I made you a picture. See?” She held up a paper that had three figures and what looked like a red cat on it. “It’s me, and you, and mommy, and the red panda.”
I studied the picture that had me and Beth on each side of Hannah. Like a unit. Like a family. “That’s beautiful. You’re a very good artist.”
“I like to color. Can I see your house someday?”
“Yes, absolutely.” I realized then that I needed to set up a room for her. I had several bedrooms, but most were pretty generic. None were designed with a five-year-old girl in mind. “You’ll need to pick a room you like and then we can decorate it.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Do you want mermaids?” I asked remembering her room at Beth’s.
“I want a zoo with red pandas.”
I laughed. “Then a zoo you’ll have.” As I chatted with her, I realized this would be how many of our interactions would go. Beth and I would have to share her, and that meant I’d probably be video chatting with her more than being with her. That didn’t sit very well. “Sweetie, can I talk to your mom?”