"Then tell me how Caleb's birthday went."
I looked at him as he started driving again once the light turned green. He was more relaxed, but I could see in his eyes the sadness I hated. And he was chewing on his lip ring. That was never good when he did that.
"I danced with Caleb and it was fun. We were all jumping around and singing," I replied, my smile creeping back slowly.
"Be careful, Little B. Boys can be assholes with girls and I don't want one to ever make you cry. They don't deserve your tears."
I laughed at him and punched his shoulder that looked bigger than last month with my small fist. "It's not like Ilike Caleb." I rolled my eyes. If he knew who I loved...
"Yeah well, be careful. You're almost eleven and you're pretty. Boys are going to be a pain with you and I will have to run them off."
"As if one of them would want to kiss me," I scoffed and narrowed my eyes on him when he chuckled.
"Fuck, you really are young, Little B."
BROOKLYN
I closed my eyes and took in the earthy smell in the small parking lot in front of the hotel. I let the tears fall; after all there weren't any witnesses. With my eyes still closed I brought a hand to my lips traitorously tingling. My skin was barely sensitive, but enough to let me know that it wasn't a weird dream. I kissed Nolan, and he pushed me away.
A sob broke free, tearing apart my chest and shredding my heart. Damn! I was such a fool to even think subconsciously that a kiss would change things for the better. My lips weren't magical, they couldn't make his girlfriend and his feelings for her disappear. My lips couldn't change the way he saw me. I would always be his Little B, nothing more and maybe less now that I had messed up everything.
"You shouldn't walk home. It's dangerous," his voice came from behind me, hesitantly.
I quickly dried my tears, but more were coming at a never ending pace. I had a stock of tears built up for the last six years. It was going to be difficult to stop it. But I didn't want to show him how affected I was.
"Brooklyn, look at me," he said softly and put a hand on my shoulder.
I tensed, both at feeling his hand on me and at the use of my full name and not my childhood nickname. I straightened and let him turn me around. I didn't look down to escape his watchful eyes. I had bloodshot eyes, so what? My cheeks were damp, so what?
The concern and uncertainty on his face killed me. I tried to put some space between us, but his hand on my shoulder stopped me as it tightened on me. I couldn't escape.
"I want to go home," I said, my voice breaking on the last word because we both knew that I never wanted to go back home. Yet, at that very second, home was better than this.
The light wind swept a lock of my hair and it fell in my face, hiding my left eye. Promptly and very sweetly, Nolan pushed away the strands behind my ear. Fast, he pulled away from me, not touching me anymore. The gap between us felt like the Grand Canyon.
He looked down at his feet back in his trendy shoes. He ran a hand in his messy hair and sighed. This sound was painful to my ears and I wanted to beg him to forget and move on, but it was impossible. I couldn't forget so why should I ask him to?
"Talk to me. Say something, anything," he pleaded quietly as if he was trying to tame a wild animal.
"There's nothing to say."
He looked up and lowered his eyebrows on his eyes. "Why did you kiss me?"
I opened my mouth to say something, but closed it quickly. It was a very simple question and it should be easy for me to answer, but it wasn't. "Just drive me home."
"Not before you tell me what that was back there," he said pointing the hotel over his shoulder.
The spark in his eyes told me that I shouldn't avoid this or else we'd stay in the parking lot forever. "I don't know, Nolan. It was...an urge, I guess."
He shook his head and paced in front of me for a few seconds, his eyes back on the ground, his feet kicking a little stone in the almost deserted carpark. "Little B, what..."
"Nolan?"
His eyes widened when a woman’s voice called out to him. We turned and there was a woman with a bright smile. As soon as she got a good look at Nolan, she ran to him and launched herself at him, her arms secured around his neck and her thin lips on his.
I took a step back, my eyes widening some more. This couldn't be true. She couldn't be his girlfriend. He gently pushed her away, the surprise still all over his face.
"I wanted to surprise you, honey," she said with a laugh, her sugary voice finishing the work of putting me out of my misery.
With her long and soft looking blonde hair, her small and toned frame, she was as close as perfection as anyone could be and I felt lacking in everything. I wasn't soft looking like her, I wasn't small like her, didn't have clear blue eyes like hers and I didn't have Nolan. She had a job in New York, knew where she was going, was stable and I hated her on the spot.
Nolan glanced back at me with some kind of fear. She followed his gaze and she smiled at me, but it was more strained. She wasn't expecting to find her boyfriend alone in the dark with an unknown girl and I could understand her cool behavior toward me.
"Who's your friend?"
Once again, he startled. His hazel eyes went from her to me several times before he sighed. "This is Brooklyn Powell. We used to be neighbors."
Neighbors. Great. Not even friends. He couldn't even mutter the word friends to his girl. I snorted and waved at her, forcing a smile on my face that was everything but convincing.
"I think you two have lots of catching up to do. Nice to meet you." I turned around, but after just two steps, I stopped.
"Let me drive you home."
"Oh, honey, I'm sure she can find her way back. After all, she lives here and I missed you," she said with her sugary voice.
Chills went down my spine. I needed to leave. If I had to hear them kissing I would puke everywhere. Or commit murder. I started walking again and left the parking lot. I could hear them arguing behind me, but I didn't want to listen to what they were saying exactly.
After five minutes of walking toward home, Nolan's car slowed down beside me. The window slid down and I couldn't help but look at him. He was alone in the car, his eyes pleading me to climb in while he kept his mouth closed. What could he say, really? It was such a clusterfuck before his girlfriend got here, so now... There were no words.
I glanced around and caught sight of a group of guys looking dangerous near a building that should have been destroyed a while ago. I didn't like to be alone outside when it was dark, not when I wasn't in the security of my car. I opened the passenger door of Nolan's car and climbed in.
As soon as I buckled my seatbelt, Nolan drove away and toward my house. The silence was weighing between us, making the air heavy. I felt like I was suffocating, but I hid it. His girlfriend's voice kept ringing in my head and a headache took over. It was too much in one day, too much pain and too emotionally draining.
"I didn't know she was coming,’’ he said, breaking the silence with his smooth voice. His grip tightened on the stirring wheel, his knuckles turning white. "I'm sorry."
I shook my head. If only I could call Mike again, just to think about something else, just to distract me, but it wouldn't be fair to string him along. I would never be that kind of girl.
"She's your girlfriend. There's nothing to be sorry about."
The car stopped in front of my house where lights were streaming out from the living room windows where my parents were probably watching TV. As usual, the light outside was off. Further down the street, a group of drunk—or high—people were hanging out in front of a house where music was disturbing the otherwise calm night. For once, there wasn't anyone dealing drugs or something illegal. They were probably already partying down the street with their clients.
"We need to talk about what happened. I need to understand."
I opened the door and just before climbing out the car, I faced him with a stone cold face. "There's nothing to understand. You h
ave your girlfriend waiting for you; you have a life waiting for you back in New York. I'm just the same little girl infatuated with you and nothing more. I'm your old neighbor."
"Wait!" His hand shot out and he grabbed my wrist before I could escape. "You're more than just my old neighbor and you know it." He racked his free hand in his hair and he tugged on his lip ring with his teeth. "I didn't know what to tell her and...I don't know. Fuck, I really don't know." He finished on a troubled sigh that echoed in me.
Tears were about to fall again as everything went blurry. I'd never been such a cry baby before. I pulled away from his grip on my wrist and ran a finger along my old scar. "I shouldn't have kissed you." The word sorry didn't leave the shell of my lips, caught in my throat. Saying sorry would betray how I truly felt and even if I regretted the way he pushed me away, at least I kissed him once. At least I acted on my feelings and saying sorry for this was impossible.
"Why did you?" His voice was quieter suddenly, almost as if he was afraid someone would hear us. His eyes never strayed from me, probing me to answer and lay everything on the table and expose myself to be hurt. But there was no malice in his bright eyes, only questions and fear.
"Why do you think, Nolan?" I snapped, my body stiff. "I've never stopped loving you!"
My heart was hammering in my chest, each beat harder and more painful in my chest. My lungs were on fire and my throat was aching from sobs I was trying to keep locked up. But Nolan never eased my nerves. Of course not! Instead, he paled and frowned.
"But...You're Little B."
And he finished the job of giving me my first true heartbreak. When he left six years ago, I wasn't heartbroken because nothing ever happened beside friendship. I was hurting because I lost the only friend in my life that gave a shit about me, while now, I truly put my heart on my sleeve to hear that I was just Little B. Six years too young, his little friend he never had even an ounce of attraction for. But I was a damn grown woman now.
I nodded. There was nothing to say. It's not because I loved him with everything that I was that it would be enough and convince him to love me. It didn't work that way. Either you felt it or not and he didn’t. He wasn't feeling it...
I turned and left the car, running to the house and unlocking the front door with shaking hands, missing the lock three times, the key rattling against the wooden panel. Behind the door and inside the house, I let the tears fall again and the sobs finally freed rang in the hall. I let myself slide down to the cold tiles, my knees up against my chest and my arms around my legs.
My mother rounded the corner with my father on her heels. They both stopped when their eyes landed on me, crying my heart out for something that was predictable. They shared a look before my mother walked to me and knelt in front of me, her eyes always so very sad and her face older before it should have been.
"Are you hurt?" she asked me softly with a foreign concern in her voice that broke me some more.
"It doesn't... M...matter," I hiccuped and hid my face into my arms. I was thankful for my long hair that gave me the perfect cover. "He doesn't care about me; you both don't give a shit about me. What's wrong with me?"
"Brooklyn," she whispered brokenly and I looked up. My father was now behind her with one of his rough hands on her shoulder while she was crying silently, her eyes trained on me. "Don't say that."
I stood up suddenly and walked away, giving them my back, just like they had all these years. "Forget it," I mumbled darkly over my shoulder as I opened my bedroom door. Inside, I took my guitar and started to play random melodies while my tears kept falling. The tears fell on my guitar and fueled me to play some more, late into the night until I fell asleep with my guitar in my arms. My last dream backfired. I learned something tonight; never dream about someone. You couldn’t count on anyone, you couldn’t hope for more, for better when your life wasn't meant to be like this. Nolan would always be out of my reach, no matter what, no matter when. It was time to let it go, to let him go.
* * *
NOLAN
I locked my car and slowly walked back to the hotel, passing by the sleeping man at the office desk. Lena was probably pacing my room, angry. She had every right to be. She came here to surprise me, found me with another girl in the parking lot and I left her to drive that other girl home. But I couldn’t leave Brooklyn to walk home alone at night. It’s not safe and…I needed to fucking understand. She kissed me. Her fucking lips were on mine. And she moaned. She moaned into my mouth.
I growled when the elevator opened on my floor. I rubbed my eyes and walked to my room. My own feet seemed heavy like concrete. My throat closed up and my heart, my heart had been hammering in my chest since Brooklyn lay in my arms.
I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. I left my key with Lena when I went after Brooklyn. A few seconds later she opened the door, wearing only a black negligé. She’s a beautiful girl. It’d be a lie if I said that it wasn’t what attracted me to her months ago, but right now I didn’t feel anything. Just confusion and fear. I was completely and utterly lost.
“I was starting to wonder when you’d be back.’’ She turned back around and walked to the bed. She sat back on it and muted the TV before she threw the remote on the bedside table.
I didn’t know what to do. Usually, I’d be kissing her and asking her how her day went and things like that, but I was drawing a blank. I cleared my throat and dropped my keys on the furniture next to the TV. I took off my shoes and padded to the bed, right in front of her.
She looked up at me, her face not welcoming like usual. I couldn’t blame her. Her eyes were dark, her lips pursed in a straight line. I brushed a few blonde strands away from her face, but when my finger tips came into contact with her skin, there wasn’t any buzz, any spark or any attraction. Nothing. Not a fucking thing.
I tensed and looked away. She wrapped her small hand around my wrist. “Nolan? Didn’t you miss me?’’
I locked eyes with her and I knew what she wanted, what she expected. Sex. I looked away and nodded, but it was a stiff movement. I couldn’t. I fucking couldn’t when I could still taste Brooklyn in my mouth, still feel the softness of her lips against mine and the way her full breasts pushed against my chest. Now, in front of my girlfriend, my cock was flaccid, unresponsive.
“I’m just really tired. I’m so stressed with the book.’’
“I know just how I can help you relax.’’ She smiled at me and winked.
At one point it would have me ready, but not this time. Honestly, I couldn’t remember when the sex had been exciting, that thing I couldn’t resist any longer. I had thought that it was normal when in a relationship that was longer than just a couple months. Now though… I was fucking lost.
I leaned down and pressed my lips to hers and deepened the kiss when her tongue swept along the seam of my lips. But I didn’t feel much. I broke it and forced a tired smile.
“I’m sorry, babe.’’
She shrugged as if it was all okay, but I saw the hard edge in her eyes. It was fleeting, but there nonetheless. Once again, I didn’t blame her. “Who was that Brooklyn? I mean, you’ve never talked about her before.’’
I tensed and turned around to strip off my shirt, making sure that she couldn’t see my face. I felt so out of it that I wasn’t sure what she’d be able to read. “I told you. We used to be neighbors. She has a difficult family life and since mine wasn’t much better I took care of her when I could.’’
“You stayed in contact with her?’’
I shook my head and took off my pants, stripping to my boxers. I turned around and found Lena climbing in the bed, trying to show off her pert ass barely covered by the see-through fabric. But still, nothing happened in my boxers and Lena saw it right away.
“She was twelve when I left. I’m trying to catch up with her and see how life is treating her. That’s all.’’
She snorted and turned off the light before I even took a step toward my bed. “If she’s still around here, I do
n’t think you should waste your time, Nolan. You have a book to write and a good life back in Manhattan.’’
I gritted my teeth and said nothing. I climbed in bed and Lena crawled to me, snuggling against my side. She wrapped an arm over my stomach, her fingers caressing me. It didn’t even raise goosebumps, but my heart squeezed in my chest, painfully so.
Lena kissed my chest softly and sighed. Tentatively, I wrapped an arm around her and kept my eyes open and fixed on the ceiling. I couldn’t relax and couldn’t stop my mind from spinning. I couldn’t stay here, not now.
Hours later when I felt Lena fast asleep, I eased out of the bed, slowly pushing her off me and back onto my pillow. She stirred, groaned a little, but didn’t wake up.
* * *
BROOKLYN
"Wake up. Brooklyn, wake up."
Someone shook my shoulder. I wanted to slap that person, yell at them for waking me from a peaceful dream. I groaned into my soft pillow, trying to bury my face into it, but the annoying person was still shaking me, more forcefully now.
My face was itchy from all the tears that kept falling, but I ignored it when I saw Nolan on my bed, waiting for me to gather my wits. I blinked several times, not sure if I should trust my eyes or not.
Over his shoulder, I could see my window open with the curtains moving with the light night wind outside. He came back, but why? I didn't move from my laying position on my bed, but I didn't tear my eyes from his either. It was impossible for me to ignore him, not when he was in my bedroom in the middle of the night.
In the darkness, I couldn't make out much of his face beside his eyes and the overall form of his face. Yet, I knew his face so much that it was like looking at him in bright daylight. But the rays of the sun weren't warming me, no, it was his hands on my shoulder and arm that did it.
"What are you doing here?" I whispered with a husky voice from sleep. Without dislodging his hand from my arm, I used my free hand to rub my eyes in hope of making my sleepiness disappear. "It's late...or early. Whatever."
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