Six Years

by Stephanie Witter

  "I don't want to lose you again," he said, his voice sounding very determined. He leaned closer to my face and when I felt his breathing fanning my neck and collarbone, goosebumps appeared all over my skin. "Little B?"

  I pushed away his hot hands and sat up on the bed, my back against the cold wall. I was still wearing the same clothes and it was starting to be quite uncomfortable. I carefully pushed my guitar farther onto the other side of the bed and looked back at him.

  Even if I was prepared to feel my heart shattering all over again at seeing him, it was nothing compared to the punch I received in the guts. Facing the one person that meant the world to me when that same person crushed me so much was insanely painful; and pathetic which was not me at all.

  "Don't call me that."

  At my cold retort, he sighed and looked at my ceiling without seeing much of it as my bedroom was still in the darkness. "You're my Little B, even if you don't want to hear it right now."

  "You know how I feel, Nolan, so don't come here and use your little pet name for me to enforce what I already know. I'm your little friend, the too young little friend you think you can play big brother to. Have some respect for me and my feelings and go back to your girlfriend. I'm sure she warmed your bed, waiting for you." My labored breathing was out of control, just like my anger that was fast rising. I wanted to slap him and kiss him all at the same time and it was quite unsettling to say the least.

  "Don't be so..." He didn't finish his sentence, groaning with some kind of frustration as his eyes were locked back on mine. "I'm six years older than you."

  "These six years are that big a deal for you? Or is it your way of softening the blow instead of flaunting your girlfriend?"

  "Even if I was single, there would still be six years separating us. Fuck! I remember the first time I saw you in your little pjs outside while I was waiting for a ride to a party and I can't forget that little girl. These six years are a big deal."

  I nodded, fighting back a new wave of tears. It was hard to stay mad at him when he was trying to explain this to me with his smooth voice and this desperation in his eyes. I knew he wanted to keep me in his life, but right now I just wanted to stay away.

  "We're at a dead-end then because I can't forget my feelings for you."

  "You can't love me." He shook his head, his eyes now on my guitar. He put a hand on my knee still covered by my jeans. "You're just looking for someone safe, someone who knows you and knows how hurt you have been by your parents' behavior and I'm that someone. It's not love, Little B."

  With force, I pushed him away, my hands not staying more than two seconds in contact with his chest. He barely caught himself before he fell to the ground. All his body stiffened, his fists clenched. Good, he was mad.

  "Don't patronize me!" I pointed my index finger at his face. "Instead of trying to analyze me you should look in the mirror because you're not man enough to face your mother and talk with her while she's still alive. Also, I think that your girlfriend needs an update on your life or else she's going to leave your ass and then, you will understand what it's like to love someone who doesn't want you in the same way."

  "I...I don't want to fight with you."

  "Leave then."

  He stood up and walked back to the window, but before he left, before that whole day would stay in the past to never be dug up, I had to ask him something. With my stomach in my throat, I steeled myself.

  "What did you feel when I kissed you?"

  He froze but didn't turn around. His fists were still clenched along his body. "Lost. I felt fucking lost."

  Outside in the heat of the summer, I couldn't look away from Big No. We were on the grass, tanning. I was in my very first bikini—a striped blue and white one—and I felt all grown up. But it was Big No's bare chest that made me feel almost shy around him today.

  His chest was shining from the light sheen of sweat after two hours spent outside. With his eyes closed and his freshly buzz cut hair, he looked almost younger. But he was so big, so tall compared to the boys at school. And he was so much more handsome.

  "Little B?"

  I startled and laughed nervously. God, I hoped he didn't know what I was thinking. I brushed away a few of my locks that were sticking to my sweaty forehead. "How did you know that you wanted to have your first kiss?"

  He opened his eyes suddenly and sat up. His forehead was lined with worry as his eyes were assessing me. His lip ring disappeared in his mouth. "Who do you want to kiss?"

  I crossed my tiny arms over my still invisible boobs and tried to not think about how much my cheeks were burning up and how awful I must look. Even if I was wearing a bikini, I wasn't a grown-up.

  "No one!"

  He smiled ruefully and laughed. "You're growing up too fast, Little B. I preferred when you were obsessed with Disney movies."

  I wrinkled my nose and hid my cringe with a forced smile. Whenever he talked to me, he reminded me how much of a little girl I was to him, like a young sister or something like that and even if I loved that he was so close to me, I would love him to see me as a girl slowly growing up to be a woman.

  "Yeah well, it's been a while. Thank you very much."

  He grabbed my skinny shoulder and brought me closer to him. His hot palm against my skin was tingling. "Don't pout." He ruffled my hair playfully. "So tell me who's this lucky boy?"

  And I was trapped! Think of a name. Think of a name. Hurry!

  "Caleb!" I blurted suddenly when the first boy at school popped in my head. I wasn't that close to Caleb, but he was cute enough. Big No saw me with him after school a couple of times these last few weeks. "Hm... Yeah, Caleb. I guess...I guess that he's, you know, sweet."

  "So you're really into someone," he said slowly, almost as if he was trying to absorb this news. But at seeing the pinched look on his face, you would have thought that he tasted an unsweetened lemonade. "That's so weird."

  "Why?" I asked shyly. I stretched in front of me and snatched the water bottle I brought outside half an hour ago. I took a sip and sighed at the cold liquid.

  "It just is." He shrugged, but it was forced. I knew him and he was bugged.

  "My friend Maddie already kissed a boy at school you know."

  "It's no reason to kiss someone. It's not because others are doing it that you should."

  "What if every time I see him I wonder how it would feel to have his lips against mine? Don't you think it means I should?" If only it was simple, if only the person I wanted to kiss was younger and not six years older. I forced my eyes to not stay too long on his rosy lips.

  His cheeks turned pink and it had nothing to do with the sun, I knew it. He was uncomfortable and it made me more uncomfortable. "Well then, I think that you already know that you want your first kiss. You just need to...uh, go to this Caleb boy." He smiled and snaked one of his big arms around my shoulders. "But don't go and grow up too fast. I want to keep you with me a little longer, Little B."

  Me too, Big No. I wanted to keep you some more. I wanted you so much more. Needed so much more. I snuggled closer to him and enjoyed his closeness.

  BROOKLYN

  Somewhere along the way yesterday, I must have lost all of my senses. I guessed that was the only thing I had in common with Nolan. All of this pain that I still felt, got to me in the weirdest way because here I was now, having some kind of awful smelling tea with Nolan's mother. Just because on impulse when I drove past her building I had parked and knocked on her door.

  "Tell me, Brooklyn, you're not here just to have tea with me. I know you don't like me very much after what I did to my son," she said with a shaky voice that was more a sign of her weakness rather than anything else.

  I put down my cup of tea and tried to smile at her without cringing at seeing the bones of her body protruding. It was a wonder that she was still alive and living alone when you had a look at her. "I know that Nolan is quite hard on you right now, but I'm sure he'll come around soon."

  "Hopefully it won't be to
o late."

  "It won’t. He's stronger than he gives himself credit." I glanced at the plaid cover wrapped around her, swallowing her thin body. "But you're right; I'm here because I have something to ask you."

  Her glassy eyes brightened a little and it tugged at me. Just because I wanted to ask her something, she was happy. It was as simple as that and it was quite sad. How lonely she must feel on an everyday basis...And it extinguished some of my anger toward her from all these years I had seen Nolan destroyed by her addiction.

  "Ask away."

  "What did he used to tell you about me?"

  She took another sip of her god-awful tea and put her cup on the coffee table before she snuggled some more into her cover. With her hazel eyes, exactly the same ones as her son, she assessed me with an amused spark in them.

  "You love him, don't you?" At my reluctant nod her smile widened. "We never talked much, but the few times we did, he was always telling me that you were an amazing little girl, very mature for your age, very sweet and kind and that you'd be a beautiful woman one day. I must say that he was right." She sighed and her breathing got a little harsher as if she just ran. "Whenever he said your name, his smile was the brightest."

  I took a deep breath, trying to stave off the new onslaught of tears. My eyes were bloodshot enough as it was. “I should be happy, but to be honest it confirms what I already knew. He always saw me as a sister slash friend."

  "It's different now. You're both adults."

  "Tell him that." I laughed without humor and glanced at the old clock on the wall. I had to go or else I'd be late for my shift. "And it's not surprising if nothing happens between us. He has a girlfriend after all."

  I stood up and when she tried to follow me back to the door, I stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. She sighed, defeatedly, but complied. She really didn't have much time left.

  "Don't underestimate your connection with my son. And be yourself. I know he has a special place in your heart.’’

  Be myself. If only I remembered what it was like to be myself. I'm a fucking waitress in a crappy bar in a small town in the middle of nowhere. I was going nowhere. I had nothing to give him beside myself and my heart and he denied me.

  “But what is my place in his heart?’’ I mumbled.

  I waved and left her small apartment, not feeling reassured in any way. I was hoping I would be reassured, but it was foolish. In fact, I wasn't sure what I was looking for. Maybe I was latching onto my last link to him, to his past, the only thing I had while his girlfriend had his present and his future.

  * * *

  NOLAN

  “Lena, I’m trying to focus.’’ I sighed again and ran a hand through my hair, looking away from my laptop to stare at her.

  With her hands on her hips and her frown deeply seated on her face, It’s a wonder that she’s not already trying to tear me a new one. She had been at my throat since we woke up and I was out of patience today.

  “I’m starting to think that you’re not happy I’m here with you.’’

  I pushed my laptop off my knees and stood up. I walked to her and grabbed her hands. It was hard to keep looking in her eyes when my thoughts kept on circling back to last night and Brooklyn. Guilt ate at me, but not enough to open my trap and confess everything. “I’m glad you’re here, but you keep pestering me to write, Trey is pushing me to write too and it’s hard, okay. I can’t concentrate on that damn book and it’s maddening. That’s all.’’

  Her frown deepened, but she nodded. She raised up on her tip-toes and kissed me, but I broke it almost immediately before it could escalate. I planted a kiss on her forehead and retreated back to the bed, shielding myself with my laptop on my knees.

  “I don’t know what’s going on, Nolan, but I hope you’ll open up to me at some point. It’s obvious you have a difficult past and it’s linked to this town, but you have a girlfriend now, remember?’’

  “Lena, I…’’

  She held up a hand and snatched my car keys without asking. “I can’t stay inside. I’m going to explore this little town and leave you to your writing. Hopefully, you’ll be in a better mood later.’’

  “We can grab something to eat tonight if you want. What do you say?’’ I offered distractedly, trying to make amends even though I was not in the mood to go out or even talk for that matter.

  “That’s good.’’ She sent me a smile and walked out, her heels clattering on the floor making me cringe.

  When the door closed after her, I groaned and hid my face behind my hands. What the fuck was wrong with me? I went to Brooklyn’s while my girlfriend was sleeping in our bed last night and I said nothing to her. And now that she finally walked out of the room I could finally breathe again. It’s bad enough what happened with Brooklyn without acting like a cheating bastard too. I had never cheated in my whole life and I knew I should tell Lena what happened, but there was something holding me back. It’s not guilt, it’s not fear of losing her…It’s something else and I couldn’t even pinpoint what it was.

  The end result was the same, though. Brooklyn kissed me. I didn’t even have to close my eyes to feel her lips on mine and taste her in my mouth. It was still there, so vivid, so exciting.

  * * *

  BROOKLYN

  While I didn't like my job all that much—after all, nobody would dream of being trapped in a job waitressing to people who were drunk most of the time—it had its perks. I didn't have to be very focused, not like say a surgeon or a big shot CEO had to be. I took patrons orders, brought them to their table with a bit of small talk and that was it. The down side was that my mind was still stuck in yesterday's events and my little chat with Mrs. Bell.

  "Gorgeous, someone wants to see you," the barman called out to me as I was bringing back empty beer bottles. I frowned and looked down the bar where he was pointing.

  I glanced at the clock above the bar and cursed at it. For once, I wouldn't mind working some more, but my shift was about to finish soon. I sighed and walked to her, that girl I didn't know at all and yet hated on sight just because she had the man I wanted.

  With her very stylish clothes—skinny dark blue jeans and a frilly blue blouse—she was out of place here. I didn't have to look down at myself to know what I looked like with my short shorts and off the shoulder red tee-shirt. Compared to her, it was obvious that I was in the right place and yet, I didn't want to be here.

  She was smiling a wolfish kind of smile and upon seeing it, I faltered a little. She was petite and didn't have as many curves as I did, but she held herself like she could chew me up in five seconds flat. With my emotions all over the place, I wouldn't be much of a threat.

  "Hi Brooklyn. I know you're..." she looked around the bar, her deep blue eyes assessing a couple of drunk guys half sprawled on the bar before she focused back on me, "working, but I'd like to have a few words with you."

  "Sure," I replied, sitting on the bar stool next to hers. I kept my body facing her and not the bar.

  With her cold eyes on my face, unblinking, she thought she was being intimidating, but it wasn’t working on me. To be honest, I didn't care what she thought about me, or why she wanted to talk to me because she was nobody to me. No, what worried me was something else. What if she told Nolan something that would make him leave sooner? Because then we would part without another word while I had screwed everything up by acting on my feelings.

  "Did you know that he never talked to me about you before yesterday?"

  I nodded. "It's because there's probably not much to say." My heart squeezed in my chest at my own words. It was painful.

  "And yet, you seem to mean enough to him to put him in a strange mood, for whatever reason." She played a little with her glass of gin and tonic, the ice cubes rattled noisily against the glass. "We've been dating for seven months; we even talked about moving in together. I don't want his stay here to destroy all our plans. Do you know what I mean?"

  She was good with her sugary voice and cute smile, but
her eyes betrayed her. She was a poor excuse of a woman, not once telling me that she didn't want to lose Nolan because she loved him, only saying that she had plans with him. When my anger started to rise, I took a deep breath. It was none of my business after all. And she could very well have feelings for him for all I knew. But she rubbed me up the wrong way.

  "Then go play the perfect girlfriend and talk with him. No need to waste your time with me here." I stood up and whimpered when her perfectly manicured nails clawed at the sensitive skin around my wrist. I tried to pull away, but the she-bitch held on.

  "You're not girlfriend material. You're just a tramp around here, a girl who easily opens her legs to any guy that shows her interest because she's got some parent issues. Nolan is not into that."

  I leaned down toward her face, my nose close to her, so much so that I got a sniff of her perfume which was Shalimar if I wasn't mistaken. "No need to worry, then. Don't mess with me, Barbie."

  She glared at me and released my wrist before she stood up and left with her back stiff and her head high. She even looked down her nose to a sweet old couple, who were entering the bar for their weekly glass of red wine. Bitch.

  "I thought you'd slap her when she grabbed you," Elena said to me, her sweet voice soothing me enough to uncoil me slightly.

  "I hate women like her. They always think they're better than others and yet are always trying to intimidate people."

  She put a comforting hand on my bare shoulder and squeezed with a smile on her face. "Don't mind her. Who is she by the way?"

  "Nolan Bell's girlfriend," I replied with a snort. It was still difficult to let the word girlfriend leave my mouth when all I wanted was to forget her, forget that he wasn't single, forget that he was in love with someone else.

  "His girlfriend?" She laughed, shaking her head. "Damn, things have changed." When she caught my dark look she sobered. "I'm sorry; it must be hard on you."