Diary of Latoya Hunter

by Latoya Hunter

  Dear Janice,

  I didn’t tell you this before but I have a little niece or nephew on the way. I can be thankful to my sister Rondah for that. I never had a younger sister or brother so I guess this is as close as I’ll get to one. I can’t wait to have a baby in the house and it’s for the same reason most kids my age would not want one. Because it will take attention away from me. I hate attention! If something good happens and I was the reason for it everyone starts paying attention to me and are so nice to me. It’s sickening when people, for no real reason, come up to my room when it’s something they wouldn’t ordinarily do. Over the years when I didn’t get any attention I got used to being alone and I like it. I just don’t need anyone around me. I’ve found I’m much happier sitting in my room watching t.v. by myself. That means no arguments and no pressuring. To understand this entry you’d have to live my life for at least a day. In the morning don’t do anything special. See the treatment you get. In the afternoon do something that could mean lots of things to everyone involved. After that, in the evening, compare the treatment you now get to what you got earlier, before your little deed. I think you’ll see the difference and the reason I feel this way.

  Since no one could ever live my life for even a short time, just look at it this way. Pretend you’re a boy trying to get the attention of a certain girl. She’s shown no interest in you until you purchased a really hot car. To be seen in one of those would mean everything to her. All of a sudden after you buy the car she’s all over you. You can’t help but wonder if it’s you she loves or the car. It’s not that I think I’m loved only for things I do. It’s just that I get good grades and I think that if I had a learning disability I wouldn’t be accepted the same. I think what my mother enjoys most is bragging about me to friends and if she didn’t have that, I don’t think she would really appreciate me. When I got the chance to do this diary for publication, she didn’t display much to me. She never actually said, “I’m proud of you!” She never told me how she felt. All I know is since I began to write this diary I’ve been getting a lot more attention from her. Sometimes I feel it’s so fake, sometimes I think really negative. I want to be appreciated for me—good grades or no good grades.

  October 11, 1990

  Dear Janice,

  I talked to Isabelle today. Remember she had that problem with her mother? Well, she finally worked up the nerve to talk to her mother and what do you know? She’s grounded. Just because she gave her opinion. Isabelle’s really frustrated now. I could understand why. I’ve told you that most of my opinions don’t check with my parents. If I had a problem I don’t even think I’d talk to them about it. They’d just say, “When I was your age I could never walk up to my mother and tell her anything like that. I’d just get smacked over.” When I try to say, “That was your day and maybe since this is a new day there should be a new way,” I just get what they would get from their mother. What can I say? Parents just don’t understand. It’s no use to try to make them. It’ll just backfire on you. Most kids would give up on trying to get understanding on both their parent’s side, but not me. I’m a very stubborn girl. I explain my case from all sides. I try every trick in the book just to get approval on an issue.

  October 12, 1990

  Dear Janice,

  Today after school I went to my brother’s house. I had fun as usual. I played dominos with Rondah, Dave’s girlfriend Sandra, and I brought along my friend/cousin Deborah. I’m not really good at dominos but I got through o.k. Us Jamaicans love dominos—the men do anyway. At family gatherings the women talk and dance and the men sit around a table of dominos. Once there, they don’t want to get up.

  Anyways, I enjoyed the evening a lot. We listened to Jamaican music (my favorite kind) until it was time to go home. Since my brothers moved out we’ve been doing these things like every three weeks. They feel good, I think to be able to do whatever they want in their own house where they’re boss. Entertaining is one thing they can do anytime they want now so I suppose they’re taking advantage of it.

  October 15, 1990

  Dear Janice,

  I went to the movies this weekend. I saw “Ghost” and “Avalon.” “Ghost” was pretty good. It had a great cast—Patrick Swayze, Demi Moore and Whoopie Goldberg. It was a really romantic film. I go for that mushy stuff. I cried over the last episode of Family Ties. That’s just the way I am.

  Unlike “Ghost,” “Avalon” wasn’t all that good. It was so long and it had no point to it. It just seemed to go on and on and on. Rondah and I were the first ones out of the movie theater. It was torture to sit through that movie—it’s not good for entertaining, only for putting someone to sleep. I give it two thumbs down and right now, I should put my pen down until tomorrow.

  October 16, 1990

  Dear Janice,

  Today Rondah asked me if her suspicions of an upcoming shower were true. I lied like a pro. I had her convinced. I looked her straight in the eye and I didn’t even laugh. I should lie more often—just kidding. Anyway, I’m really excited about the baby. Even though Rondah’ll be a single mom, I think we’ll pull through. She’s a really strong individual. She can do anything if she puts her mind to it. I don’t think about the father much he’s never around and I bet that’s the way it will be when the baby comes. He isn’t the fatherly type.

  Rondah says she wants the whole Hunter clan to take a trip to Jamaica in Easter. You don’t have any idea how much I want to pack up and go back but—not to live. If I was to live there again I’d live in Kingston. I think it’s the most advanced spot on the whole island. Where I lived in St. Ann, there was only one channel received on all the televisions in the Parish. Can you imagine? I honestly don’t know how I lived like that. What I miss most is being able to walk barefoot freely. Living with animals, from chickens to goats, seems amazing to me now. I kind of miss it.

  Hopefully in Easter, I’ll go back and relive a part of the life I’ve lost.

  October 17, 1990

  Dear Janice,

  Nothing seemed to go right today. I got up feeling low and am about to go to bed feeling low. The English teacher gave the class a 3 on the section sheet (that’s a sheet of paper the class brings around all day and each teacher rates us from a 5 to a 0). Well, the homeroom teacher doesn’t like anything under a 5 so we got detention. I had to walk home all by myself because by the time I came out, my friends had gone home. I came home to a messy room and accompanying me was tons of homework. I have a science test tomorrow on cells in both animals and plants. I have science 7th period so I guess I could get some studying in over the first six periods. I’ll write to you tomorrow Janice. Wish me luck on the test!

  October 18, 1990

  Dear Janice,

  I feel so sick! I wanted the stupid guidance counselor to send me home today but she said I wasn’t sick enough. What did she want me to do? Stretch out on the floor and say, “Look at the pretty birdie go?” I slept my way through S.S. and in Gym I had to leave suddenly because I wanted to throw up. I should have headed straight to the guidance counselor’s office and thrown up right on her desk. By Science I was a wreck, but I managed through the test okay. It was easy! If I wasn’t so messed up I would have gotten through with it in a breeze. I hope tomorrow I will feel better.

  October 19, 1990

  Dear Janice,

  I felt better today. I got my test back and I got an 85. Not bad huh? I blame the 15 points lost on the guidance counselor. Gym was fun! I love playing basketball. Since I started J.H. I’ve been finding myself trying out new things. Sports were not exactly an interest of mine before. But since the gym teacher said a grade higher than a U comes with participation, I’ve had no choice. But now, if I had a choice I would play sports. The computer teacher has lightened up since I last wrote to you about her. I’m not saying that she’s a totally new woman. 90% of the old her is still there. She let us play with the software today. We played “Trail to Oregon.” The class was enjoying themselves and I was too. We t
hought the woman had gotten personality change over night. I was almost at Oregon when guess what? She pulled the plug! Can you believe it? I was almost there. My pen and your page will meet tomorrow.

  October 22, 1990

  Dear Janice,

  I’ve made a decision. I Latoya Hunter am going on a diet. I don’t think I’m really fat. I weigh 112, but my so called friend Deborah always bugs me that I’m short and fat—like a tree stump. How rude! My sister always teases me too. Like I wrote earlier, some people have no heart. I know I’m just an average looking person. I wish I was gorgeous like those superstar models but I just am not. Maybe over the years as I get older, I’ll grow into a prettier phase. So, I’m going on a diet. I’m not sure how to go through with it. Last year, a boy in my class went on a diet, and brought SLIM FAST to school everyday. I do not honestly think I have to be so drastic. I’ll just plain and simply eat less. My mother is always going on diet—not actually going on them but planning and buying supplements for them. After doing all that, she says, “I’ll start tomorrow.” When tomorrow comes, she says “Tomorrow, I’ll definitely start tomorrow.” Then when her conscience does a job on her she’ll drink a glass of the SLIM FAST or whatever and eat just the same amount of food she’d regularly eat. It’s pitiful. I think she should just be satisfied the way she is—and no—I don’t want to take my own advice! Hasta manana. (My ex-Spanish teacher would be proud.)

  October 24, 1990

  Dear Janice,

  I have very exciting news. My brother Courtney is getting married! He called the family together today and told us. His fiancee Michelle is really nice, she says she’ll make me a bridesmaid. I’ve always wanted to take part in a wedding and I’ve always wanted my brothers to find themselves girls they could love and trust. My other brother Dave has been with the same girl for over two years. They still haven’t made the move to tie the knot but at least they’ve got love. Courtney is the oldest so I would suppose the ability to make a commitment comes with age. I’m just happy one of them is going to become a husband. Rondah’s boyfriend is really flaky. I wouldn’t want her to settle down with him. Even though he’s the father of her child, he shouldn’t be the one to spend her life with. I want for her and for me, someone who will always be there for us no matter what!

  October 26, 1990

  Dear Janice,

  T.G.I.F. (Thank Goodness It’s Friday). No more school for 2 days but I do have to do a report for Home & Careers. I have to choose a career and write about why it is important, etc. My first choice is journalism. I wouldn’t mind working as a journalist at a newspaper—it’s a steady job and I’d get to do my favorite thing which is writing. My second choice is psychology. I want to be a writer but maybe on the side I could be a mindhealer. I’ll get ideas from my patients and write stories about them. I could see it now—people suing me because they think my latest novel was about the confidential information they told me when they were my patients! I know just how to avoid it, I’ll use a different name for each occupation. Is that a criminal act? If it is I won’t go through with it. I also have a dream of driving a bulldozier. It just appeals to me. I know it’s strange but there are some things that have no explanation!

  October 29, 1990

  Dear Janice,

  It’s Monday again. School was okay. The class has detention tomorrow. We got a three in English again. I think I know why the class is always messing up in English. The teacher’s too soft. She gives us easy work, things we’ve known for years. My idea of English class is that it should be more along the lines of a college course, not junior high. I want to go deeper into literature and study characters and examine what makes them tick. There is no challenge to her class. We tell her over and over again we want to learn new things but she won’t listen so the class doesn’t listen to her. She keeps saying at least she has two college degrees. What’s that supposed to do for us?!

  October 30, 1990

  Dear Janice,

  The music teacher, Mr. Macdougal is on to me. I seem to always start laughing in his class. I’m a soprano and like most other men he’s a baritone. His vocal chords weren’t made for high notes. He’s always demonstrating to the sopranos how high to get up there. It doesn’t work well with his voice. Whenever he tries I always laugh. I can’t help it. Every week it happens. So now he’s always glancing in my direction which only makes me laugh more. I’ve got to control myself or detention and I will be soon acquainted.

  November 2, 1990

  Dear Janice,

  The eighth grade at J.H.S. 80 are so rude to the teachers! We were at our weekly auditorium period and a teacher got up to speak. They booed and they yelled things out. I felt so bad for the poor man. He’s not a very aggressive teacher so he just let it go by, hurting him as it did. Kids today have no respect. Not including me of course. Some of the other kids are like me, and care about other people’s feelings but the majority don’t seem to have a heart. It’s sad, but it’s true. We’re planning a surprise shower for Rondah. She has no idea we’re doing it. It’s going to be hard keeping it from her. I usually tell her everything to spare her feelings. On her birthday, thinking she thought no one had gotten her a present, I started telling her what Ninnie (that’s what we call our mother) got her. Guess what she said to me?! “Boy, you can’t even keep a secret!” There I was trying to make her feel better. I’m using that to inspire me to lie myself to shame when she complains, “My family is so inconsiderate, they won’t even throw the bearer of their first grandchild, niece or nephew a shower.”

  I can’t wait to see the look on her face when we yell, “Surprise!” Catch you tomorrow.

  November 5, 1990

  Dear Janice,

  I’ve got in trouble because of my friends before, but today was different. The reason I’m in trouble is my friend’s a boy. He called me and my mother answered the phone. Now she’s upset that a boy calls me. She says “she’s” not ready for that. Ready for what? I’ve told her he’s my friend but she doesn’t seem to want to believe that. I guess she thinks that girls should have girls as friends. I don’t agree one bit. I would be ready for a closer relationship with a guy anyways if it was the case. I don’t mean really close, but I would be ready to go out with a guy. What I mean by going out is that we would be a couple. We would go places together, he would call me everyday! And yes, we would kiss at times! This subject is so hard to talk about. My mother has put such a spell on me that even talking about boys makes me feel I’m doing something wrong.

  When I first got my period, she yelled and yelled at me because she thought I was too young. She made me feel like it was my fault. I’ll never forget that day, she said, “You know what comes after this—babies!” She went on and on. I was crying like crazy and she never stopped to even hug me and say things would be okay. That day I thought things wouldn’t be right ever again. I wish she never found out. These days sex is everywhere. On t.v. almost everything involves sex. It can’t be kept away from me, even though my mom wants it to be. I admit I know everything there is to know about it. None of this knowledge came from my mother. It mostly came from the streets and what I hear everyday.

  My opinion is there is no age limit on when to have sex. I think if a person, even one at my age, felt they were ready, and knew they were ready, no matter what anyone said, would definitely do it. I’m not sure how I feel, in my situation. I’m all mixed up.

  I watch a lot of television and I think I know everything I should know about having a boyfriend. The pains, the joys, etc. I am emotionally ready for that. I know it. Well, anyway, I won’t be able to have a boyfriend if my mom won’t even let a boy call me! If I meet someone I really like I don’t know what will become of us because I would definitely want to talk a lot on the phone.

  November 7, 1990

  Dear Janice,

  Winter is the most depressing time of the year. If you go outside at 5:00, darkness is what greets you. It’s sickening! I love the summer. Summer to me means no heavy coats,
daytime until at least 8 at night and no trembling teeth. I can’t wait for June to come around, I was born in June you know. I’ll be a teenager next birthday. I like the sound of that. Not that it would mean any more privileges for me, twelve is really no different from thirteen. I would like thirteen to mean I’m a bona fide teenager, not a little kid! I don’t want to have to feel bad if I get a crush on a guy for example. It would be so great if I could talk to my mom and say, “I really like this guy at school.” She would get upset. I don’t want to be an adult or anything I just want to be able to talk to my mom about new found feelings and things like that.

  November 9, 1990

  Dear Janice,

  Today in school the assistant principal was talking about highschool and which ones we should pick to attend. I think it’s great we get to pick. It gives us an early start on decision making. There are a lot of choices. I’ve made my decision a long time ago. It’s Bronx Science all the way. It’s a top school and it’s close. My friend and neighbor Lisa goes there. She likes it. It’s her freshman year and she’s already feeling at home. I really don’t want to go to the closest school which is Evander Childs. By what I’ve been hearing about it, only a bunch of hooligans go there. I don’t want to be a part of it. I hope highschool is different from J.H. I hope it’s a more mature atmosphere than J.H.S. 80, I’d do much better. I hope to get a scholarship from highschool to go to a top college.