And Then There Was Me

by Sadeqa Johnson

  Alana opened the bathroom door.

  “Hey, Mom, what are you doing?”

  “Trying to make sure I have everything.”

  “I have everything.”

  “Good. Why don’t you go down and help Dad pack the snacks?”

  “Okay. Can I bring Juliette and Kacie?”

  “Sure.”

  “Can we bring some cookies?”

  “I don’t care.” She wasn’t really listening, she was trying to decide if she needed her bathing suit or not, then opted to bring it and a change of earrings. When her stuff was ready, she called to Chico.

  “Son, come carry my bag.”

  “Really, Mom?”

  “Dude, I’m teaching you how to be a gentleman.”

  He huffed and then lugged her bag out of her bedroom, making way too much noise pulling it down the stairs. Bea went down the hall to her closet, grabbed the maxi dress, and changed. Lonnie loved her hair down so she unloosened her bun and let it dangle past her shoulders. She had washed and combed it through yesterday so it had a lot of bounce and body. Full makeup was out of the question but lipstick was quick. She found a purple shade that would give her a pop.

  “Babe, you look hot.” Lonnie kissed her cheek while running his fingers through her hair. The exchange between them lightened her mood.

  “Ready?”

  “Yup.”

  The kids’ snacks were packed but Bea needed something for herself. She sighed. Not in the mood to count calories, she grabbed the two eggs she had previously boiled, an apple, and put a few slices of cheese in a ziplock to pair with some of the kids’ crackers. That should hold her over until dinner.

  “Everyone go to the bathroom one more time because we are not stopping anytime soon,” she called out.

  When they got into the car, she was surprised when Chico and Alana agreed to watch the same movie, Spy Kids 4. Bea relaxed with a book in her lap. Lonnie squeezed her knee and pulled out of the driveway. These were the moments that mattered, she thought, looking up at the trees.

  ELEVEN

  Road Trip

  With all of the traffic on the New Jersey Turnpike and then on I-95 around Baltimore, they didn’t arrive in D.C. until well after the dinner rush. Instead of venturing out, they ate in the hotel restaurant and then put the kids to bed with the television on.

  “If I hear you, I’m going to turn that TV off.” Bea stood in their bedroom doorway. They’d reserved a two-bedroom, two-bath suite with a living area and small kitchenette.

  “’K, Mom.”

  “Gotcha.”

  Bea carried her tablet into the living room and lowered herself onto the sofa next to Lonnie. He was watching baseball highlights on SportsCenter.

  “What’s on the agenda for tomorrow?” He looked up.

  “I’m trying to decide between the Museum of Natural History, the National Museum of African American History and Culture, the Smithsonian Latino Center, and the Air and Space. I also want to shoot by the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial.”

  “Why don’t we do them all? We have a few days. We can do two a day. Relax. You look tired.”

  Bea curled up next to him. “You know Chico had the nerve to tell me that he wished he was white, like you.”

  “Really?”

  “That boy doesn’t know the difference between white and light-skinned? We need to pump him with some culture. I feel like he’s living in a land of lilies, not knowing who he is.”

  “The kids are fine. They’re just growing up in a more well-rounded world than we did.”

  “I wouldn’t call it well-rounded at all.”

  “Oh, babe.”

  “We’re going to spend time this summer getting educated. If you don’t know where you come from, you have no idea where you’re going.”

  “You worry too much.”

  “Humph.” She crossed her arms. Lonnie didn’t worry enough.

  * * *

  The next morning the kids were up and dressed before Bea had to get on them.

  “Where to first?” Chico asked.

  She had decided to start with something fun to lure the kids in and then stick them with what she wanted them to learn about their mixed heritage.

  “To the National Museum of Natural History. They have a new documentary on the great white shark that I thought you’d like.”

  Chico’s eyes got big.

  “What about me?” Alana huffed.

  “And they have a butterfly exhibit.”

  “Cool.”

  Lonnie called down to the lobby for their car to be brought around.

  When they got inside, the museum was packed. Lonnie was a natural history buff and Bea enjoyed watching him explain the exhibits to the children, but after exploring the Artic and learning about Iceland, her knees started to bother her.

  “When does the movie start?” Alana seemed as tired of walking as Bea. She tucked her daughter under her arm and let her rest against her.

  “We are heading over there now to get on line,” Lonnie responded with his map in his hand. He wore a twill newsboy cap and cable knit sweater. The sight of him so engaged in their outing made her breath stall. This was the Lonnie she loved.

  She followed them to the line and after what felt like fifteen minutes of standing, the doors opened to the theater. Bea sunk her heavy body down into the velvet seat. As soon as the lights went down, she drifted off to sleep.

  “That was amazing,” said Chico, stretching and yawning.

  “Cover your mouth, son.”

  He did. “What’s next?”

  “How about we head to the gift shop?” Lonnie made his eyes big.

  “Yeah.”

  Chico got a log building set that he promised to share with Alana. She opted for a plush portable dinosaur house. Bea waited on the steps of the museum with Alana while Chico and Lonnie got the car. The sun had sunk behind a cloud and the lightness of the day felt good.

  “Did you have fun?”

  “Yes.” Alana pushed one of her dinosaurs in Bea’s face. “You?”

  “Always fun hanging with you, butterbean.” She kissed her lips.

  They drove over to Old Ebbitt Grill on Fifteenth Street for lunch. The restaurant was just steps away from the White House and a D.C. tradition since 1856. Bea could feel herself wanting to eat like crazy so she concentrated on the salad menu only. She didn’t want to become overwhelmed with choices.

  “I’ll have the kale and salmon salad,” she told the waitress and then slid the menu away from her.

  Alana ordered the mac and cheese and Chico the beef tacos. Lonnie went for a steak, and Bea knew she would have to take a bite. After lunch, they drove to the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial. Lonnie circled around trying to find the best parking and then wound up parking on Ohio Drive.

  It felt like a ten-minute walk to the memorial but when they arrived, Bea was too excited to complain.

  “Wow, look, you can see the Lincoln and Jefferson memorials from here,” Bea called but the kids were too busy chasing each other in the fresh open air to hear her. Lonnie squeezed her hand.

  “Okay, let me take a picture.” The kids finally came back and stood in front of the memorial. Bea snapped a few pictures and then she asked a passerby to take a family photo. When she looked at her phone, she was in the middle surrounded by her family and you could see her entire face. That made her smile. They walked the wall and she and Lonnie took turns reading Dr. King’s famous quotes.

  “You want me to go back and get the car?”

  “No, I’ll walk with you guys.” She linked arms with her husband, enjoying his bulk against her. This was why she stayed. This was what it was all about.

  “We should head back to the hotel and rest a bit, it’s been a long day.”

  “Ooh, can we go to the pool? Please say we can go to the pool. Please, please, please!” Alana put her hands together in the beggar’s position.

  “Okay.”

  “Yippee.” The kids high-fived each o
ther and jumped up and down.

  * * *

  Once Bea lowered herself onto the couch, it was a wrap. She couldn’t move. The kids were changed and ready to go down to the pool in less than five minutes.

  “You okay?” Lonnie sat down beside her.

  “Yeah, just tired. That was a lot of walking. If the baby comes tonight, it’s your fault,” she teased.

  “Then I’d have my wife back.”

  She hated when he said that. “Lonnie, I’m right here.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “Mama, where’s your swimming suit?”

  “Mama’s tired, butterbean. You go with Daddy. I’m going to take a little nap.”

  “You sure you don’t want to come and rest by the side of the pool?”

  “Positive. You three go ahead.”

  When they were gone, Bea relaxed into the silence. She was about to call Awilda when she heard Lonnie’s phone ringing from the bedroom. She pushed herself to stand and moved much faster than she thought possible to the telephone. She could not believe he had forgotten his phone. These days it seemed that he didn’t go to the bathroom without it. A 305 area code flashed across the screen and Bea answered it.

  “Hello.”

  “Oh, I must have the wrong number.”

  “Who are you looking for?”

  “Alonzo.”

  Bea could feel the pressure build in the back of her throat. “Whom may I say is calling?”

  “Connie.”

  “This is his wife, Connie. What can I do for you?”

  She stumbled. “I … I was calling to see if he received the letter I sent about … the private school.”

  “Calling my husband whenever you feel like it was not part of the deal, now, was it?”

  Silence.

  “As you know if you need us you are to send a letter. If you are worried that we didn’t receive the letter then you follow up with me via e-mail. I’ve spelled this out to you in our paternity agreement. Do I need to fax you down a copy?”

  “No.”

  “Good. I got your letter and I am considering your request.”

  “Alonzo wants to meet his father.” Her voice quivered.

  Bea’s throat dried.

  “He deserves to know who his father is. He had nothing to do with what happened between us.”

  “You should have thought about that before you laid down with my husband and had a baby. This is on you.”

  “It’s not right.”

  “You signed the contract.”

  “I shouldn’t have.”

  Bea couldn’t believe the nerve of this chick, calling for more when she had already given her enough. She didn’t mind kicking in the extra bucks for school but she wasn’t going to share her family. If their existence came out … the shame would be more than she could bear.

  “I’ll get back to you regarding your request.”

  “I’ll take it to the judge. A boy needs a father.”

  “I have to go. Please don’t call my husband again.” Bea hung up the telephone. Her fingers were shaking and before she could even digest her conversation with Connie, she realized that the phone didn’t lock back after the call. She was inside of his phone.

  Her fingers trembled. She keyed through his e-mail accounts, stopping to read anything that caught her attention. It was mostly business stuff, nothing there. Then she went through his text messages: zilch. All of the social media sites. Zero. She was about to give up when she discovered an app icon she didn’t recognize. It was called text free and it was hidden in with his banking apps. When she clicked on it, it seemed to be an instant message/text app that hid the correspondence. There were a handful of names in the contact list but he had interacted with chili101 that morning. Based on the time stamp, their interaction had occurred while she was in the shower. She felt a tiny earthquake rumble in her gut as she read through the exchanges:

  When are you coming back?

  Soon.

  I want some more.

  Daddy only gives out one lick at a time.

  Well perhaps you could make an exception. You’ve got me like a fiend.

  That’s how I do.

  Cocky.

  Bea scrolled back and read a message from last week.

  Damn daddy, you know how to make a girl forget.

  It’s my specialty.

  Wednesday night? Restaurant in Chatham?

  For sure. Take a nap it’s going to be a long night.

  I like the sound of that. Perhaps we just skip dinner.

  No, I need to feed you first. You’ll need all of your strength to ride me.

  Giddy up.

  Bea felt the blood rush to her head as she flashed back to the previous Wednesday night. Chico had had swim practice. Lonnie came home late. When he slipped into bed, she’d peeked at her bedside clock. One-eleven flashed. He whispered that it was a late night at the office and that he had caught the last train out of the city. Now she remembered thinking that he still smelled fresh after such a long day. Fucking liar.

  Bea scrolled back some more. She was so into the messages that she didn’t hear the door open and the kids bound in. Alana was up on her, hair dripping wet.

  “How come you didn’t put a towel around your head?” Bea slipped the phone into her pocket. “Come, you need to shower.”

  “What do you want to do for dinner?” Lonnie closed the door behind them and called out to her. Bea slipped the phone back on the nightstand and followed Alana into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind them.

  “Why do you look like that, Mama?”

  “Like what?”

  “Like you had a bad dream or something.”

  “I did.”

  “What was it about? Monsters? Ghosts? Did someone try to steal you?”

  “Something like that. How was the pool?”

  Her face went from concern to glee. “Soooo much fun.”

  “Good.”

  “You missed it. You should have come.”

  “Babe.” Lonnie tried to open the bathroom door.

  “We’ll be out in a minute.”

  She dried Alana’s hair with a towel and concentrated on pulling it into a quick bun.

  “Go put on some dry clothes. You can shower later,” she said, although she knew she should have stuck her in the tub and rinsed that chlorine out of her hair. Bea needed all of her strength to get past Lonnie and out of the hotel room.

  “Dinner?” he asked, standing in the middle of the living area barefoot.

  Bea grabbed her purse and slung it over her arm. “Why don’t you order room service for you and the kids? I’m going to run down the street.”

  He stepped closer. “Why don’t you let us get into some dry clothes and we can all go.”

  “No, I need to pick something up. Tums for my heartburn. I’ll be right back.”

  “Babe, you’re shaking like a leaf.”

  “I’m fine. Need some air. Just feed the kids.”

  “She had a bad dream while we were at the pool,” Alana piped up from the sofa.

  Bea pushed past Lonnie and was at the door when Chico emerged from the kids’ bedroom.

  “Mommy, you should have come. Dad did an epic cannonball.”

  “Nice.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “I’ll be right back.” Bea slipped into her sandals and out of the hotel room. She took off in a half jog to the elevator and pressed the down button frantically, like someone might follow her. The tears stung the rims of her eyes but she willed them not to fall.

  Foolish. Wretched. Pitiful.

  The elevator opened. Two teenage girls were in the back corner talking about a music video. Bea stood in the front with her back to them. Outside, a taxicab waited steps from the hotel entrance.

  “Where to?”

  Before she could close the door behind her, the dark horse got in beside her. Bea needed to score.

  “McDonald’s.”

  “Which one?�
�

  “Whichever one is closest and easy for me to hail a cab back.”

  “No problem, ma’am.”

  She looked out the window as he drove. Ill to her core, she couldn’t believe that she was in this godforsaken position again. Again. A-fucking-gain.

  The golden arches looked like angel’s wings. When she exited the car she felt shifty. Her sunglasses were pressed against her face, her head was bowed low, and her purse was clasped tightly in the crease of her underarm. The dark horse opened the door for her and she stepped in.

  The smell of the McDonald’s reminded her of her mother’s home. The restaurant was nearly empty as she navigated her way to the counter.

  “Let me get two number threes,” she murmured. Gone was the polished talk. Bea was in her gutter.

  “What kind of drinks?”

  “I only need one drink. Orange. Large, please. And an apple pie. Warm.”

  “Will that be all?”

  The dark horse breathed on her neck. It made the thin hairs stand up. “Nope, add a six-piece nugget to that.” Might as well go all the way.

  “Okay.”

  Bea handed the cashier two twenty-dollar bills and opened her palm for her meager change. While she waited for her order she wished that she had driven for the food. The car would have provided private shelter, but she was here. Her foot tapped absently; she was trying not to think.

  “Number forty-eight.”

  Bea didn’t have to look at her ticket to know that the tray on the counter was all for her. She picked it up. The smell of the fries went straight up her nose. She tucked three between her teeth and tongue while scanning the room. A booth was in the corner. It was secluded enough that she could see what was going on in the street but the workers behind the counter couldn’t see her. She sat with her back to them. Bea unwrapped all of the items and set them up in the middle of the tray. Tearing the plastic package with her teeth, she then slathered extra ketchup onto her burgers. Damn, extra pickles would have been good but she wasn’t going to go back for them and risk anything getting cold.

  The frenzy was on her and the first burger went into her mouth. She started out with small bites but then quickly slipped into devour mode, stuffing the food down as fast as it would fit between her jaws. She could always taste the food in the beginning of a binge. Everything was succulent, the perfect mix of salty, moist, and sweet. Eventually her desire got ahead of her. The taste stopped mattering. It was just the feeling of getting the food down into her belly.