The Reading Lessons

by Carole Lanham

Monkey flowers:

  One who performs

  behind a mask

  Phlox; Sweet dreams

  Pecan: Hard to crack

  Peony: Healing

  Rose, dark pink: Thank you

  Spider Flower: Elope with me

  Tuberose: Dangerous pleasures

  Wisteria: I cling to thee

  Witch Hazel: A spell

  Zinnia, pink: Lasting affection

  Secret names for flowers arose long ago from a need to conceal the identity of certain herbs.

  Lupine: Blood from a head

  Tuberose: Mistress of the Night

  Clover: Semen of Ares

  Burdock: Love Leaves

  Great Mullein: Peter’s Staff

  Vervain Sage: Christ’s Eye

  Wild Geranium: Shameface

  Southernwood: Maiden’s Ruin

  Yarrow: Devil’s Plaything

  Goosegrass: Sweethearts

  Meadowsweet: Queen of the Meadow

  Blackberry: Scaldhead

  A Sure Fire Method for Identifying Blessings and Peculiarities

  Through the Reading of Ears

  Large with loose lobes: Ambitious, gossipy, given to tell lies. Little ears with loose lobes, however, should be treated with even greater suspicion. Trust not a man whose lobes are disproportionate to his God-given ear size.

  Spotted or hairy when combined with a bald head: Gift for cobbling. Ought to make shoes or bricks.

  Femine ears on a man: Gentle but foxy. A nice-dresser. Likes to dance.

  Small “c”-shaped: Expect complete candor. May prove disagreeable in bed. Likely to be bad with money.

  Pointy and wolfish: Of vital temperament. God-fearing but selfish. Will fix your plumbing when pressed.

  Small hemmed ears: Generous in nature. Deeply kind. Given to insanity.

  Curvy or vivacious: Untrustworthy. Mean-spirited. Covets jewels.

  Young ears on an old person: A good listener. Enjoys cake. Easily pleased. Soon to die.

  Flat: Knows their Bible. Slow to smile. Smells like fruit.

  Purplish around the edges: Subject to bouts of indecision and lower back fat.

  Square as a box: Noble, maternal, blows a lot of smoke but knows how to keep an open mind. Watch out if you forget to put your toys away.

  Resembling of a mushroom: Earthy. Savvy with herbs.

  Carole Lanham has published twenty-four short stories and is the author of The Whisper Jar. She lives in the St. Louis area with her family and a large collection of aprons. Please drop in and say hello at carolelanham.com or horrorhomemaker.com.

  Table of Contents

  Hadley

  The First Nail

  The Pendulum

  Semen of Ares

  Those Good Peas

  The Window Seat

  A Perfectly Pungent and Perilous Plot

  Darratu

  Lily of the Valley

  The Meaning of Flowers

  Bonus Material

  V.I.L.E. Reading Selections

  The Language of Flowers

  Secret Names

  Earflapology