The Secret Place

by Tana French

‘Go Chris,’ Conway said. Wry, but the undercurrent made me look up. ‘He doesn’t just get his tit pics; he gets an apology out of her for not sending them faster.’

  ‘He was good, all right.’

  ‘Always got what he wanted, Julia said.’

  I said, ‘He could’ve been telling this girl the truth, though. At least about keeping the pics to himself. Any of his mates mention them, last year?’

  ‘Nah. Like they would’ve? In front of Father Whoever? “Yeah, Chris was passing around underage tit shots, now please expel me and arrest me for kiddie porn thank you very much—”’

  ‘They might’ve done, if they copped that one of the girls could’ve killed him over it. Chris was their mate. Maybe they wouldn’t say it in front of Father Whoever, but all it would’ve taken was an anonymous text to you, an e-mail, whatever. And you said Finn Carroll was no thicko.’

  ‘He’s not.’ Conway sucked her front teeth. ‘And him and Chris were close enough that if Chris had been sharing the pics, Finn would’ve seen them. Why would Chris keep them to himself?’

  I said, ‘Selena said he was complicated.’

  ‘Yeah, girls always think arseholes are sooo complicated. Surprise, kids: they’re just arseholes.’ Conway was flicking at her screen again. ‘If he didn’t pass the pics around, it wasn’t because deep down he was actually a knight in shining armour. It was because he figured the girls might find out, and his supply of wank material would dry up.’ She held the phone between us. ‘Here we go. Joanne.’

  Joanne started the same way as all the others. Chris playing cheeky, seeing how far he could go, Joanne slapping him down and loving it. Lots of meetings. He got pics off her, but she made him work hard for them: Say please. Now say pretty please. Good boy lol now send me a pic of something nice youd like to buy me. Now send me a pic of where youd like to take me on holiday . . . You could see her huddled snickering with her mates, working out the next demand.

  ‘Fuck’s sake,’ Conway said, lip curling. ‘High-maintenance little bint. Why didn’t he give her the heave-ho right there? Plenty more tits in the sea.’

  ‘Maybe he liked a challenge,’ I said. ‘Or maybe Joanne was right, and he was genuinely into her.’

  ‘Right. Chris being sooo complex again. He wasn’t all that into her. Look.’

  Pics, more flirting, more meetings, smoochy talk getting smoochier. Then Joanne started hinting hard about going public – Cant wait 4 the xmas dance!! We can ask the DJ to play our song . . . I dont even care if Sister Cornelius throws us off the dance floor lol <3 <3 <3 – and Chris was gone.

  Joanne: Hey where were you this eve? We were suposd to meet!

  Joanne again: Did u get my text?

  Hello?? Chris whats going on??

  Just 2 let you know I had something special planned for this wkend . . . If your curious text me quick ;-)

  If someone said something to you then ask urself WHY . . . Plenty of ppl are mad jel of me . . . didnt think you were stupid enuf to fall for it

  Excuse me I dont let guys treat me like this . . . Im not some stupid slut you can treat how ever you want . . . If you dont answer by 9.00 then we are OVER!!

  Do you want me to tell everyone your gay?? I’ll do it

  Surprise I was about to dump your arse anyway. You cant kiss for sh1t . . . and I dont do it w guys who have tiny dxxxs!!! You make me want to puke I hope you get aids from some slapper

  Chris if you dont answer this + apologise to me YOU WILL BE SORRY. I hope your reading carefully because this was a big BIG mistake . . . I dont care how long it takes YOU WILL BE SORRY.

  OK you asked for it. Bye.

  ‘Now there’s a beauty of a hissy-fit,’ Conway said.

  Joanne again. Motive, opportunity and now mindset.

  I said, ‘This was five months before Chris got killed. You think she’d hold a grudge that long?’

  ‘“I don’t care how long it takes . . .”’ Conway shrugged. ‘Maybe not. Maybe. You heard her: still stings now, and it’s been a year and a half.’

  I still didn’t see Joanne in a midnight grove with a hoe in her hand. By the look on her face, neither did Conway. I said, ‘Any chance she got someone else to do the job for her?’

  Conway shook her head, regretfully. ‘I was thinking the same thing. Great minds. I doubt it, but. It’d have to be one of her girls – if she’d shagged a guy into doing it, he’d never have managed to keep his gob shut this long – and who? Alison would’ve fucked it up, so would Orla, and even if somehow they managed to get the job done and not get caught the next day, they would’ve let it slip by now. Gemma could’ve got it done and kept her mouth shut, but Gemma’s got plenty of cop-on and a healthy sense of self-preservation on her. She wouldn’t do it to start with.’

  I said, ‘One of Holly’s lot might.’

  Conway’s eyebrows shot up. ‘Blackmail.’

  ‘Yeah. Joanne had that video. She could’ve got Selena expelled – probably the other three, too.’

  ‘Not without dropping herself in the shite as well.’

  ‘Sure she could. Put the video on a memory stick, post it to McKenna. Or upload it to YouTube some weekend, e-mail the school the link. McKenna might guess who made the video, but she couldn’t prove it.’

  Conway was nodding, thinking fast. ‘OK. So Joanne gets the video, takes it to . . . who? Not Selena. Joanne’s got more sense than to give a job like that to a spacer like her.’

  I said, ‘And Selena wouldn’t’ve done it anyway. She was mad about Chris; she would’ve been grand with getting expelled for his sake.’

  ‘Right. Romeo and Juliet, middle-class version.’ Conway was concentrating too hard to get her snide on properly. ‘If I was Joanne, I wouldn’t go for Rebecca, either.’

  ‘Nah. Too unpredictable; she looks all meek, but I’d say she’d be more likely to lose the head and tell Joanne to fuck herself than to take orders off her. And Joanne’s good at gauging people, or she wouldn’t be the boss bitch. Not Rebecca.’

  Silence, while the rest hung waiting in the air. Conway said, when someone had to, ‘Joanne said she had a chat with Julia, told her to make Selena back off. Maybe that’s not all she told her to do.’

  Julia. The eyes of her, watchful. The way she’d jumped to protect Selena. The slam of stillness when she’d seen that postcard.

  Conway said, ‘Julia knew about Joanne’s secret phone. I can’t see any reason why Joanne would let her in on that. Except to show her what to look for.’

  The silence came back bigger and stronger. Said it for us: neither of us wanted it to be her.

  I said, ‘Julia’s got better sense. Getting expelled isn’t the end of the world.’

  ‘Wasn’t where we came from, maybe. It is for most of this lot. You should’ve seen the faces on the Colm’s guys when they heard Finn Carroll was out. They looked like he was gone gone, like they’d never see him again; they were practically as upset about him as they were about Chris. You know what they think? Schools like this are the whole civilised world. Outside, it’s wilderness. Teenage mutant skanger smackheads selling your kidneys on the black market.’

  I could see it. Didn’t say it to Conway, but I could see so clearly. Thrown out of here would feel like thrown over a wall into blackened rubble and air made of grime. Everything gone; everything golden and lit, everything silken, everything carved in delicate curlicues to welcome your fingertips, everything made to chime in sweet spacious harmonies: gone, and a flaming sword to bar your way back forever.

  Conway leaning back against the wall and watching me at a slant, through those streaks of warrior hair. One dark eye, hooded.

  I said, ‘Let’s see the rest.’

  The texts between Chris and Selena started on the 25th of February, and they were different. No flirting, no sexy talk, no wheedling for pics; none of that feel, speed and fever.

  Hi

  Hi

  That was it, their first conversation. Just feeling the other one there.

 
Over the next couple of days they started telling each other stories. Chris’s class had made some gadget that beeped at random intervals, stuck it under a desk and watched their Irish teacher lose his mind. Selena’s class had been messing with Houlihan’s head by inching their desks forward, too gradually to spot, till she was practically pinned against the blackboard. Small stories, to make each other laugh.

  Then – carefully, step by step, like they had all the time in the world – they moved into personal stuff.

  Chris: OK so this wknd I get home n my sister’s cut her hair in one of those emo fringes. What do I do??

  Selena: Depends, does it look good?

  Chris: Actually not bad . . . or wouldn’t be bad if she’d got it done at the hairdresser instead of doing it herself with nail scisors :-0

  Selena: LOL! Then take her to the hairdresser + get it done right!

  Chris: I might actually do it :-D

  Late-night texts, typoed, hurrying in the jacks or texting blind under covers. Chris’s sister loved her pro haircut. He and his friends got locked at someone’s brother’s party, shouted insults at some girl on their way home, Chris felt guilty about it in the morning (Sooo complex, Conway’s eye-roll said, such a sensitive soul). Selena wished her dad and her mum would talk when one of them dropped her off at the other’s place; Chris wished his parents would stop talking, because they always ended up yelling. They were getting close.

  Feeling their way closer. Chris: Nothing intelligent to say, was just thinking about you

  Selena: That’s mental, I was just going to text you to say I was thinking about you

  Chris: In fairness I think about you alot so not that crazy of a concidence

  Selena: Don’t be like that

  Chris: I know sorry. I actully mean it. It just comes out sounding fake

  Selena: Then don’t say anything. You know you don’t have to say stuff to me right?

  Chris: Yeah. Just I don’t want you thinking this doesn’t matter to me

  Selena: I won’t. I promise

  Nothing like Chris’s flirtations, overused words from telly scripts, with empty space underneath. This was something else; the real thing, confusing, thrilling, script going out of the window. Sappy stuff, once-in-a-lifetime stuff, stuff to make you cringe and break your heart.

  I said, ‘You think he’s faking that?’ Got that hooded dark eye again, and no answer.

  Then, from Chris: I wish we could talk properly. This is stupid.

  Selena: Me too

  Chris: We could try meeting after school in the field or in the park??

  Selena: Wouldn’t be the same. Like we said before. And someone would see us

  Chris: Then somewhere else. Like we can find a cafe in the other direcion.

  Selena: No. My friends would want to know where I was going. I’m not going to lie to them, this is bad enough

  Conway said, ‘This isn’t like with Joanne and the others, where Chris wants to keep them under wraps and they’re pushing to go public. Selena wants to stay on the down-low too.’

  ‘Like we said: she knows at least one of her gang wouldn’t be happy.’

  ‘Julia knew Chris was a dog. And Holly didn’t like him one little bit.’

  In the second week of March, Chris found the answer. Ok guess what. Finn worked out a way we can get out at night. If you can still do it would you be on for meeting up? Don’t want to get you in trouble, but I’d love to see you

  Silence for a day, while Selena tried to decide. Then:

  I’d love to too. Have to be late like 12.30. Meet me at the back gate of Kilda’s and we can find somewhere to talk.

  Chris, fast and bubbling over: Yeahhhh!!! Thursday?

  Selena: Yes thursday. I’ll text you if I can’t get out. Otherwise see you there

  Can’t wait :-)

  Same :-)

  The meetings started and the texts changed. Got shorter, less of them and less to them. No more stories, no families and friends and deep feelings and daydreams. Hi :-) and Tonight same time same place? and Can’t, thurs? and Yeah see you then. That was it. The real stuff had grown too huge and too powerful to fit in little lit rectangles; it had come alive.

  Noise from the fourth-year common room, roll of thuds like a heap of books tumbling. Conway and I whipped round, ready, but it vanished under a burst of laughter, spattering like bright flung paint, too hard.

  And then the bit we’d been waiting for.

  April 22nd, Chris and Selena arranged to meet, just like we’d thought. Same time same place. Can’t wait.

  That night, the video. The kiss.

  Early the morning of April 23rd, Chris texted Selena. I’m going to get in trouble cos I cant stop smiling :-)

  Before school, Selena got back to him. Epic text. Chris I have to stop meeting you. I promise it’s nothing you did. I should never have met up to start with but I genuienly thought we could be just friends. That was really really stupid. I am so sorry. I know you won’t understand why, but if this hurts you, maybe it will help to know it hurts me so much too. I love you (another thing I should never have said).

  Conway said, ‘What the fuck is she on about?’

  ‘That doesn’t sound like a rape victim,’ I said.

  She shoved stray hair out of her face with the heel of her hand, hard. ‘Sounds like a nutter. I’m starting to think Joanne and them were right about this lot.’

  ‘And it doesn’t sound like Selena wanted time to think, the way she told us. The way that reads, she’d done all her thinking already.’

  ‘Why the fuck shouldn’t she go out with Chris? You’re so in love with each other, you go out together. Tell the world. Simple. What’s wrong with these people?’

  Chris came back fast and wild. WTF?!!!!? Selena wgats going on??? If th4s isnt Selena then FUCK OFF. If it is then Selena we have to talk. Same time same place??

  Nothing.

  After school: Selena if you want to be just freinds then we can do that. I thought you wanted to or I would of never even tried you know that. Please can we meet tonite. I swear I won’t even touch you. Same time same place I’ll be there.

  Nothing.

  Next day he was back. I waited for you like a fucking plank til 3am. Swear to God I would of bet my life that you’d come. Still can’t believe you didn’t.

  A couple of hours later: Selena are you serious about this? I don’t get it what HAPPENED? If I did something wrnng I’ll do whatever you want to aplogise. Just tell me what the fucks going on.

  That evening: Selena you have to text me.

  Nothing.

  The Thursday, the 25th of April, Selena finally texted Chris. 1 o’clock tonight. Usual place. DON’T text me back. Just come.

  ‘That,’ Conway said, and tapped her screen, ‘that’s not Selena.’

  I said, ‘No. Selena would’ve said, “Same time same place”, like they always did. And there’s no reason why she wouldn’t want him to text her back.’

  ‘Right. Someone else didn’t want him answering, in case Selena saw the message.’

  ‘She didn’t worry that Selena would spot her text? One night Selena gets a bit nostalgic, has a look back through her old chats with Chris, and all of a sudden she’s going, Hang on, I don’t remember writing that.’

  ‘Mystery Girl didn’t leave it on the phone. Wait for it to send, go into the Sent folder, delete.’

  ‘So,’ I said, ‘Selena’s texts after the breakup, Chris wasn’t ignoring them because he was in a strop with her. He was just doing what he was told.’

  Conway said, ‘Some of the time, he was. Not all. Look at this.’

  Five days later, 30th of April, Selena’s phone to Chris’s: I miss you. I’ve been trying so hard not to text you and I don’t blame you if you’re raging with me but I wanted you to know I miss you.

  I said, ‘That’s the real Selena again. Like she told us, she couldn’t stand to cut him right off.’

  Conway said, dryly, ‘He’s got no problem cutting her ri
ght off. No answer. He was ignoring her, all right. Chris hadn’t got what he wanted, for once, and he wasn’t happy.’

  I said, ‘Here’s the other thing about that text. It says Mystery Girl didn’t actually nick the phone. She used it when she needed it, then put it back in Selena’s mattress.’

  Conway nodded. ‘Joanne and her lot didn’t have that kind of access – even if they knew where Selena kept the phone, and how would they? Whoever set up that meeting lived in that bedroom.’

  Almost a week later, 6th of May, someone using Selena’s phone texted Chris: I’ll be there. No answer.

  I said, ‘They’d already set up the appointment; Mystery Girl’s just confirming. Chris must’ve shown up, the week before.’

  ‘Yeah. But that time, he went because he thought he was meeting Selena. This time, he knows he’s not. And he’s going along anyway.’

  ‘Why?’

  Conway shrugged against the glass. ‘Maybe Mystery Girl says she’s going to sort things out between him and Selena, or maybe he figures banging Selena’s mate would make a great revenge. Or maybe he just thinks he’s in with a chance at more tit pics. Chris liked chicks, any chicks. There’s no “why” there. The question is why she’s meeting him.’

  The long day had my mind moving like porridge, bits of thought taking forever to find each other. The corridor stretching away in front of us looked unreal, tiles too red, lines too long, something we’d never be able to stop seeing.

  I said, ‘If she was going to kill him, why not do it straight off? What were the extra meetings for?’

  ‘Working up the guts. Or there’s something she wants to find out, before she decides whether to do it – whether he actually raped Selena, maybe. Or she’s got no plans to kill him, not at first; she’s meeting him for some other reason. And then something happens.’

  Selena to Chris, the 8th of May, late at night: I don’t want us to be like this forever. Maybe this is completely stupid but there has to be some way we can be friends. Just hold on to each other till maybe if you’re not too furous with me we can try again someday. I can’t stand us losing each other totally.

  Conway said, ‘She’s dying to get back with him. She can talk about just friends all she wants; that’s what she’s after.’