The Secret Place

by Tana French

  Alison’s mouth opened and a little rush of breath came out. She looked relieved, right to the bone, and she looked disappointed.

  Far away down the corridor, through the silence, a long soft wail. For a second I thought it was coming from a girl, or something worse, but it was only the creak of the common-room door opening.

  McKenna said, and I know a deeply fucked-off woman when I hear one, ‘Detectives. If it’s not too much trouble, I would like to speak with you. Now.’

  ‘We’ll be there in ten minutes,’ Conway said. To McKenna, but she was looking at me. Those dark eyes, and the silence falling like snow between us, so thick I couldn’t read them.

  To me: ‘Time to go.’

  Chapter 20

  An April afternoon, finishing up after-school volleyball. It’s spring, the grounds are exploding with bluebells and daffodils in every corner, but the sky is thick and grey, and it’s airless without actually being warm; the sweat won’t dry off their skins. Julia flips her ponytail up to cool the back of her neck. Chris Harper has just under a month left to live.

  They’re picking up the volleyballs, taking their time because the showers will be full anyway by the time they get inside. Behind them, the Daleks are taking down the nets, slowly, bitching about something – Gemma calls, ‘. . . thighs like two walruses shagging, disgusting . . .’ but it’s not clear if she’s talking about someone else or about herself.

  Julia calls, ‘Saturday night. We’re going, yeah?’ It’s the social evening at Colm’s.

  ‘Can’t,’ Holly yells back, from a corner of the courts. ‘I asked. Family time blah blah.’

  ‘Same,’ Becca says, tossing a ball into the bag. ‘My mum’s home. Although she’d actually probably be delighted if I put on an entire makeup counter and a miniskirt and went.’

  ‘Make her day,’ Julia says. ‘Come home drunk, E’d up and pregnant.’

  ‘I’m saving those for her birthday.’

  ‘Lenie?’

  ‘I’m at my dad’s.’

  ‘Well, fuck,’ Julia says. ‘Finn Carroll owes me that tenner, and I need it. My earbuds are going.’

  ‘I’ll sub you,’ Holly says, spiking the last ball at the bag and missing. ‘It’s not like I’m going to get any shopping in this weekend anyway.’

  ‘I want to rub it in, though. That smug bastard.’ Julia has just noticed how much she’s looking forward to seeing Finn.

  ‘He’ll be at the debating next week.’

  For a second Julia considers going to the social on her own, but no. ‘I know, yeah. I’ll catch him then.’

  They give the courts one more scan, and head off. ‘Water,’ Julia says, as they pass the tap by the gate, and peels off from the other three. Up ahead, Ms Waldron calls, ‘Chop-chop, girls! Hup, two, three, four, march!’ The others drift on, Becca spinning in circles swinging the bag of volleyballs, leaving Julia to catch up.

  She drinks out of her hand, splashes her face and her neck. The water is underground-cold and gives her a quick, pleasurable shiver. A stream of geese pour overhead, honking, and Julia squints up to see them against the clouds.

  She’s turning away from the tap when the Daleks march up. Joanne stops right in front of Julia, folds her arms and stares. The other three fan out and stop one step behind Joanne, fold their arms and stare.

  They’re blocking Julia in. None of them say anything.

  Julia says, ‘Are we doing something? Or is this it?’

  Joanne’s lip curls – Julia figures she thinks it makes her look superior, but if she did it in front of a mirror just once, she’d never do it again. She says, ‘Don’t show off.’

  Julia says, ‘Bored already.’

  Joanne’s pale flat stare gets paler and flatter. Julia remembers – amused, like it was a different person, some small silly cousin – how a few months ago that stare would have had her zinging adrenaline.

  Joanne says, ominously, ‘We want to talk to you.’

  ‘They talk?’ Julia enquires, nodding at the rest of them. ‘I thought they were your robot bodyguards.’

  Orla does an outraged noise, and Gemma throws Joanne a slantwise look. Joanne’s face is pinching up. She says, tight as spitting, ‘You tell that fat slut Selena to stay away from Chris Harper.’

  Which is not what Julia was expecting. ‘Loser say what?’

  ‘Don’t act innocent. We know all about it.’ Nods from the robots.

  Julia leans back against the wire fence and blots water off her face with the neck of her T-shirt. She’s starting to enjoy herself. This is the problem with hoovering up gossip the way the Daleks do: every now and then, you’re going to end up having an eppy over something totally imaginary. ‘What do you care what Selena does?’

  ‘That’s not your problem. Your problem is to make sure she backs off, before she ends up in big trouble.’

  Obviously this is meant to be terrifying. More impressive nods; Alison even says, ‘Yeah,’ and then cringes.

  ‘You fancy Chris Harper,’ Julia says, grinning.

  Joanne’s chin jams out at a furious angle. ‘Excuse me, if I fancied him, I’d be going out with him? Not that it’s any of your business.’

  ‘Then why do you care what Selena does with him?’

  ‘Because. Everyone knows Chris Harper wouldn’t even look at someone like her if she wasn’t letting him do it to her. He is way out of her league. She needs to go find some spotty dickhead like Fintan Whatshisname who’s always drooling at her.’

  Julia laughs, a real laugh, spontaneous, bubbling up towards the hanging grey cloud. ‘So you’re here because she’s getting uppity and she needs putting back in her place? Seriously?’

  The more furious Joanne gets, the more bits of her stick out – elbows, tits, arse – and the uglier she gets. ‘Um, wake up and smell the coffee? We’re doing you a favour. You seriously think a guy like Chris is actually going to go out with a mess like Selena? Hello? The second he gets bored of shagging her, he’s going to dump her flat on her fat backside and send dirty photos to all the guys. Tell her to leave him alone or she’ll be sorry.’

  Julia takes a swig of water and wipes drops off her chin. She’d love to bounce Joanne around for a while and then leave – Joanne is almost too easy to play with, once you notice that you’re not afraid of her – but if she doesn’t squash this before it takes off, they’ll be stuck with the Daleks going after them for weeks, maybe months, maybe years, needling on and on like a cloud of mosquitoes till Julia’s head blows off from the overload of stupid. ‘Chill,’ she says. ‘You need better quality tattletales. Selena wouldn’t go near that wanker if you paid her.’

  Joanne snaps – she’s getting shrill – ‘OhmyGod, you are such a liar. Do you think we’re stupid?’

  Julia raises her eyes to the thickening sky. ‘What, you think I’m saying it to make you happy? Newsflash: I don’t give a fuck if you’re happy or not. I’m just telling you. Selena doesn’t even like Chris. She’s hardly even talked to him. Whatever you heard, it’s crap.’

  ‘Em, Gemma actually saw them? Totally wrapped around each other? So unless you want to try and convince me that Gemma’s actually blind—’

  Then Joanne sees something in Julia’s face.

  Joanne could taste one drop of power in an ocean. She eases back. ‘Oh. My. God,’ she says, drawing it out long and sweet and sticky, letting it drip all over Julia. ‘You actually didn’t know?’

  Julia has her face back to blank, but she knows it’s too late. Coming from any of the other Daleks, this would have been just yak yak noise, it would never even have occurred to her to believe it. But Gemma; back in first year, when they were just kids, Julia and Gemma used to be friends.

  A wide smirk is creeping over Joanne’s face. ‘Oopsie,’ she says. ‘Embarrassing.’ Orla sniggers.

  Julia looks at Gemma. Gemma says, ‘Last night. I snuck out.’ Little smile that hints things. The other Daleks giggle. ‘I was heading down the path to the back wall, and the two of them
were in that creepy place with the big trees where you guys hang out. I almost had a heart attack, I thought it was nuns or ghosts or something, but then I saw who it was. And they weren’t there to talk about the weather, either; they were all over each other. I’d say if I’d watched for another few minutes . . .’

  A scattering of snickers, falling like small grimy rain.

  Gemma has perfect eyesight, and no one in school has hair like Selena’s. On the other hand – Julia grabs for the other hand – Gemma lies like a rug. Julia scans her for bullshit, scans and scans. She can’t tell. She can barely see Gemma, the solid dry-witted kid she used to share crisps and pens with, never mind read her.

  Julia’s heart is running crazy. She says coolly, ‘Whatever you and your little stud were smoking, can I have some too?’

  Gemma shrugs. ‘Whatever. I was there. You weren’t.’

  Joanne says, ‘Sort it out.’ Now that she knows she’s in charge, all the twisted bits of her have gone back where they belong; she’s smoothed to angelic, except for that curled lip. ‘We only bothered to warn you this once because we’re being nice. We’re not going to do it again.’

  She whisks around – she doesn’t actually snap her fingers at the rest of the Daleks, but somehow it looks like she does – and struts off, out of the tennis courts and up the path towards the school. The others scuttle to keep up.

  Julia turns the tap back on and moves her hand up and down between the water and her mouth, in case they look back, but she can’t drink. Her heartbeat is jamming her throat. Her T-shirt sticks to her skin like some clammy sucker-footed thing, dragging. The sky presses down on her head.

  Selena is in their room, alone; the others must still be in the showers. She’s cross-legged on her bed, brushing out her wet hair and humming. When Julia comes in she glances up and smiles.

  She looks the same. Just seeing her gentles Julia’s heartbeat; one breath, and the layer of grime the Daleks left behind starts to blow away. So suddenly and overwhelmingly it nearly knocks her breath out, Julia wants to be touching Selena, pressing up hard against the familiar curve of her shoulder, the solid warmth of her arm.

  Selena says, ‘You could text Finn to meet you.’

  It takes Julia’s mind a minute to pull out what she’s talking about. ‘Yeah,’ she says. ‘Maybe.’

  ‘Have you got his number?’

  ‘Yeah. It doesn’t matter. I’ll see him whenever.’

  Julia sits on the floor, starts undoing her runners and fights with her mind. If Selena was with Chris, she’d have found a way to get to the social on Saturday, in case he hooked up with some other girl. If Selena had gone out last night, the rest of them would have woken up. If Selena had been with Chris, she wouldn’t be first back from the showers; she’d want extra time to wash off the smell of him, of night grass, of guilt. If Selena had been with a guy, it would show, clear as suck marks blotched across her neck. If Selena had done that, she’d be staticky with it, she’d need to talk, need to tell, she’d need to somehow make it all—

  ‘Lenie.’

  ‘Mmm?’

  Selena looks up. Clear blue eyes, untroubled.

  ‘Nothing.’

  Selena nods peacefully and goes back to brushing.

  The whole vow thing was Selena’s idea to begin with. If she hadn’t wanted to do it, all she’d have had to do was keep her mouth shut. But getting the key, finding a way to get out at night, that was Selena’s idea too—

  There’s a knot in Julia’s shoelace. She digs her nails into it.

  She feels Selena’s eyes on the top of her head, hears her stop humming. She hears the quick indrawn breath as Selena braces herself to say something.

  Julia doesn’t look up. She tugs at the knot till a nail splits.

  Silence. Then the long swish of the brush again, and Selena humming.

  It has to be bullshit. If the Colm’s guys had a way to get out of school, everyone would know. But if they don’t, then who was Gemma meeting, unless Gemma was making up the whole thing—

  ‘That song!’ Holly yells, bouncing in smelling of strawberries, with her armful of PE gear flying everywhere and her hair turbaned up into a stripy ice-cream swirl. ‘What’s that song? The one you’re humming?’ But neither of them can remember.

  Julia gets a text from Finn during first study period. See you sat eve? Got a surprise for you.

  ‘Phones off,’ says the prefect supervising them, without looking up. The common room feels dim and dirty, light bulbs struggling against the murk outside and losing.

  ‘Sorry, forgot.’ Julia slides the phone under her maths book and texts blind: Not going sat. After a moment she adds, 2moro after school? Got sthing for you too.

  She sets her phone on silent, sticks it in her pocket and goes back to pretending to care about maths. It’s less than a minute before she feels the buzz against her leg. The field, like 4.15?

  The thought of Finn hanging out in the Field gives Julia a twinge that’s too stupid even to think about. See you there, she texts back, and switches her phone off. Across the table, Selena works quadratic equations in a steady, tranquil rhythm. When she feels Julia’s eyes on her, she glances up.

  Before she can help herself, Julia nods upwards, at the overhead bulb. Selena’s eyebrows pull together: Why? Julia mouths, Go on.

  Selena’s hand tightens around her pencil. The light bulb flares; the common room leaps alive, instantly huge and rippling with colours. Around the tables people glance up, startled and golden, but it’s already over; the air has turned muddy again, and their faces are sinking back into dimness.

  Selena smiles across at Julia, like she’s handed her a tiny sweet present. Julia smiles back. She knows she should feel better, and she does, but somehow not as much as she hoped.

  When they slide past the wire fencing the next afternoon, the Daleks are already perched on their pile of breeze blocks, making squealy noises to get the attention of a handful of Colm’s guys who are on the rusty machine, shoving each other to get the attention of the Daleks. Finn is sitting on another breeze-block heap, drawing on the side of his runner. It’s a grey day, damp and chilly; against the solid skyful of cloud his hair looks like you could warm your hands at it. Seeing him feels even better than Julia expected.

  ‘Back in a sec,’ she says to the others, and starts to speed up. It feels all wrong, wanting to get away from them snagging at her, to Finn where it’s safe and easy.

  Holly says after her, ‘Careful.’ Julia rolls her eyes and doesn’t look back. She can feel Holly watching her all the way across the Field.

  ‘Hey,’ she says, pulling herself up onto the breeze blocks next to Finn.

  His face lights up. He stops drawing and straightens. ‘Hi,’ he says. ‘How come you’re not going Saturday?’

  ‘Family shit.’ The Daleks have exploded into a flappy little whirlwind of sniggers and glances. Julia waves and blows them a kiss.

  ‘Man,’ Finn says, putting his pen away in a jeans pocket. ‘They don’t like you, do they?’

  ‘No shit,’ Julia says. ‘And I don’t like them, so it’s all good. What’ve you got for me?’

  ‘You first.’

  Julia has been looking forward to this for weeks. ‘Ta-da,’ she says, holding out her phone. She can’t keep the grin off her face.

  The photo shows her on the back lawn, which was dumb because any of the nuns could have looked out of their bedroom windows, but Julia was feeling daring. Duckface, hand on cocked hip, other hand flourished over her head pointing up at the clock. Midnight, bang on.

  (‘Are you positive?’ Holly asked, Julia’s phone in her hand.

  ‘Hell yes,’ Julia said, glancing up at the clock to make sure it would fit in the shot. ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because he’s going to know we sneak out, is why not.’ Behind Holly’s head, Selena and Becca watched from under the trees, pale bobbing faces, waiting.

  ‘We never said anything about not trusting guys,’ Julia said. ‘Just not
touching them.’

  ‘Yeah, and we never said anything about, like, skipping around telling anyone who’s a good laugh.’

  ‘Finn’s not going to rat on us,’ Julia said. ‘I swear. OK?’

  Holly shrugged. Julia struck a pose and pointed over her head at the clock. ‘Go,’ she said.

  The flash blazed white lines of trees across their eyes like lightning and Holly and Julia ran for cover, ducking low, gasping with laughter.)

  ‘I’ll take my tenner now,’ Julia says. ‘And an apology. I like them with extra grovelling.’

  ‘Fair enough,’ Finn says. ‘You want me to get down on my knees?’

  ‘Tempting, but nah. Just make it good.’

  Finn puts one hand on his heart. ‘I apologise for saying you would be scared of anything in the universe. You’re a fearless superhero who could kick my arse, or Wolverine’s arse, or a mad gorilla’s arse.’

  ‘Yeah, I am,’ Julia says. ‘You’re forgiven. That was beautiful.’

  ‘Good pic,’ Finn says, having another look. ‘Who took it? One of your mates, yeah?’

  ‘The ghost nun. Told you I was badass.’ Julia takes her phone back. ‘Tenner.’

  ‘Hold your horses,’ Finn says, pulling out his phone. ‘I’ve got a surprise for you, remember?’

  If this is a photo of his dick, Julia thinks, I will kill the fucker. ‘Make my day,’ she says.

  Finn hands her the phone and grins, that same straight-on wicked kid-grin, and Julia feels a rush of relief and guilt and warmth. She wants to touch him, hip-bump him off the breeze blocks or hook her elbow around his neck or something, to apologise for underestimating him all over again.

  ‘Great minds,’ Finn says, and nods at the phone.

  Him, on the back lawn, in almost exactly the same spot. Black hoodie pulled up over the red hair – he played it smarter than she did – and one hand above his head, just like her, pointing up at the clock. Midnight.