Inside Out

by Ellis Michaels

  “I wish he'd just ask you out and get it over with,” Alyssa said to Stephanie as soon as Mitch was gone.

  “What are you talking about?” Stephanie asked.

  “Come on. You can't tell me you've never noticed that Mitch has a crush on you. Even Luke knows.”

  “Bock!” Luke clucked.

  “And it's no secret that you like him,” Alyssa added. “You guys would be so cute together.”

  “I don't think he likes me like that. And while we're on the subject, what about you and Luke?”

  “What about me and Luke?”

  “I think you two would make a cute couple. And it's obvious that you like him.”

  “Are you kidding me? I can't stand him!”

  “Can I get back to memorizing the spell now?” Stephanie asked.

  “Yeah,” Alyssa answered. After a long pause, she concluded, “But I don't like Luke.”

  “Sure you don't,” Stephanie mumbled under her breath, too soft for her friend to hear.

  She went back to reading the spell, doing her best to memorize each line. As she read it aloud to herself, Stephanie stroked her beard without even thinking about it. When she did, a big chunk of hair came out. She did it again and more hair came out.

  “Yes!” Stephanie yelled.

  She pulled handful after handful of hair out of her face until it was all gone. By the time she got it all, there was an sizable pile of hair on the ground.

  “I can't believe that was all on my face,” Stephanie said.

  “I wonder if this means the trickster's spell wore off,” Alyssa replied. “If so, Luke should be turning back to normal pretty soon. Although, to be honest, I kind of like him not being able to talk.”

  “Cluck!”

  Turning to Luke, Alyssa said, “Oh relax. I'm just kidding.”

  “Cluck! Cluck!”

  Right before Stephanie and Alyssa's eyes, they watched the small chicken grow into a massive warrior. When the trickster Gnome-Man cast the spell on Luke, his weapon, armor, and items all disappeared. As he grew back into his normal self, they all reappeared. Neither Stephanie nor Alyssa were surprised by his first word once back in human form.

  “Fuck!”

  “Welcome back, Luke!” Stephanie said.

  “Thanks,” he replied, coughing out a couple chicken feathers, then turned his attention to Alyssa. “You wanted to turn me into chicken stew?”

  “You understood me?” she asked.

  “I understood everything.”

  Alyssa's face got a little red as she recalled the conversation her and Stephanie had a few minutes earlier. Even though she didn't admit to liking Luke, she was embarrassed that he heard her friend suggest it.

  “I was only kidding!” she replied.

  “Of course you were,” Luke said with a smirk. “You'd never turn someone you like into stew.”

  Her face now even redder, Alyssa replied, “I never said that I like you. Stephanie suggested that I like you and I denied it, just like I'm denying it again right now.”

  “Uh huh,” Luke said, still smirking, which drove Alyssa just a little crazy.

  Stephanie resumed memorizing the spell. Luke readjusted to being back in his human body and Alyssa went for a short walk, trying to calm down. She was upset that Luke thought she liked him and spent several minutes telling herself over and over that she didn't. It didn't occur to Alyssa that having to tell herself she didn't like Luke might indicate that she actually did like him - at least on some level.

  Mitch returned with a few squirrels – but no suicide squirrels – and a rabbit a little while later. He was happy to see that his best friend was back to normal.

  “Luke! I'm glad you're back to normal and no longer a chicken,” Mitch said.

  “Thanks, bro. Now you're back to being the chicken of the two of us,” Luke said, giving his friend a slap on the back. They both laughed. “And you got some food. Awesome. I'm fucking starving!”

  Stephanie took a break from memorizing and the four friends sat down to eat after they cooked up the food Mitch caught. With everyone being back to normal and getting home looking more and more realistic, they were all in a good mood. Even Alyssa was feeling better, cracking jokes here and there.

  “Why did the chicken cross the road?” she asked, looking right at Luke.

  He didn't say anything, but Mitch did: “Why?”

  “So he could pluck every skanky hen he came across and lay eggs on the corpses of his enemies.”

  Everyone laughed – everyone except Luke, of course, even though he secretly though it was kind of funny.

  “Cluck you,” he said, looking right at Alyssa. “And you know what a male chicken is called, right? A cock. So when you were stroking my feathers, you were really stroking my cock!”

  “Actually,” Alyssa shot back right away, “Mitch was holding you. So really I was stroking his cock!”

  There was an awkward silence between them for a few seconds. Then, they all burst out in wild laughter. It was the first time they'd all laughed like that since getting trapped in Bloodfeast. Once the laughter died down, Mitch asked Luke a serious question.

  “Hey, I meant to ask you: How did you find the tree we were looking for?”

  “I didn't,” Luke answered. “Someone was controlling me. Led me right to it. Then when I found it, I couldn't leave the area. Every time I tried, I got brought right back here.”

  “It must be our characters again,” Stephanie said.

  “Must be,” Alyssa added.

  “I'm really starting to think that they want to get back here as much as we want to get back there,” Mitch said.

  “It certain seems that way,” Alyssa replied.

  Chapter 20 - There's No Place Like Home

  Back in Boston, all four characters were attentively sitting at their computers. Of course, they thought they were some kind of magical device that allowed them to control the friends back in their home world – a world they were all eager to get back to. Arnold69 and Ethelwulf sat in Luke and Mitch's apartment watching their screens and eating what little junk food they had left.

  “It shouldn't be long now,” Ethelwulf said. “Looks like the elf memorized the spell from the tree and now they're all heading to the spot where we switched before.”

  “Good,” Arnold69 said. “We're running out of food and I miss my longsword.”

  “What's the first thing you're gonna do if we get back to our world?” Ethelwulf asked.

  “If we get back? No, no, no. When we get back! When we get back, the first thing I'm gonna do is get me a big, tall mug of ale. Maybe two. Maybe ten. We'll see!”

  Like the guys, the female characters were in Alyssa and Stephanie's dorm room watching the friends on their computers.

  “I'm so excited!” Alalia said. “It looks like we should be getting home soon.”

  “I know,” Dwyndolin replied. “I'm excited, too. But we shouldn't get our hopes up too high until we're actually back home.”

  “I can't help it. I'm sick of this weird, human-filled world. When we went to see the guys, I didn't see any elves anywhere. I didn't see anything but humans. Even I'm a human here when in our world, I'm an elf. I don't like it here.”

  “I know, sweetie. I don't like it here, either. And neither do the boys. Hopefully everything will work out and we'll be home before long.”

  “Let's hope so.”

  The characters continued to watch the friends work their way from the tree with the spell written on it to the spot where they'd originally swapped realities. Ethelwulf and Arnold69 stuffed their faces, eyes glued to their screens the whole time.

  “Arnold69, look!” Ethelwulf said, Cheetos dust spraying out of his mouth. “They made it back to the spot. It shouldn't be long before they cast the spell and we all get back home!”

  “No crap,” Arnold69 replied and took a long swig of his Mountain Dew Live Wire. “I'm watching the same thing that
you are.”

  “I know, I know. I'm just excited. I can't wait to get back to our world.”

  “You and me both, man. There are no monsters to kill here. No gold to acquire. Nothing. Aside from the food, this world sucks.”

  The characters all watched their screens closely. Arnold69 chugged the rest of his Live Wire and Ethelwulf finished off his bag of Cheetos, though his fingers remained covered in sticky orange dust. Dwyndolin and Alalia had been snacking on some trail mix they found in the girls' dorm room, but were now too focused on their screens to keep eating.

  They watched the friends stop walking and gather around each other in the same spot where they'd swapped realities. For a few minutes, nothing happened. Then, they saw Stephanie cast a spell on Mitch. A few silver stars circled around his head before disappearing. As soon as the spell was cast, he started digging through his bag. Ethelwulf saw his inventory screen pop up and the Orb of Displacement being selected.

  “It's happening!” Ethelwulf yelled.

  “Man, I can't wait to get home and kill me some monsters,” Arnold69 said.

  The characters watched Stephanie go over to Alyssa and then Luke, casting the spell on each of them one at a time. A few silver stars appeared over each of their heads before disappearing shortly after. Finally, Stephanie cast the spell on herself. Like the others, silver stars briefly circled her head before vanishing.

  “This is it!” Alalia screamed. “We're going home!”

  “I certainly hope you're right,” Dwyndolin replied.

  The characters watched the friends gather around each other in a close circle. Mitch held out The Orb in the middle so they could all reach it. All four of the characters held their breath, hearts pounding, eyes glued to their screens. One by one, they watched the friends reach out and put their hands on The Orb in the same order that the characters had.

  Luke was the first. He sheathed his longsword and put his large hands on The Orb. Next was Stephanie. She put her little elven hands on The Orb. And the last one to put her hands on The Orb was Alyssa. All four friends had both hands on the Orb of Displacement.

  The characters all watched eagerly from the edge of their seats. Ethelwulf and Arnold69 were so bloated from all the junk food they'd eaten that they could barely sit up, but were so excited that they still managed to do so. At first, nothing happened. The characters just saw the friends standing there in a circle with their hands on The Orb. Then, it slowly started to glow.

  The Orb got brighter and brighter until all their screens were completely white. The characters were so excited that they could barely breathe. Then, like before, there was a bright flash of light that blinded all of them.

  * * *

  “Where are we?” Alalia asked, rubbing her eyes which had not yet come back into focus. “Did it work? Are we home?”

  “I don't know,” Dwyndolin replied. “I still can't see.”

  “Me either,” Ethelwulf said.

  “Ethelwulf?” Alalia called out. “Is that you?”

  “Yeah, it's me.”

  “Then it must've worked!” Alalia exclaimed.

  Sure enough, as the four characters regained their vision, they were all extremely happy to see that they were back in their own world. Arnold69 was thrilled to have his strong, muscular physique back. Alalia was happy to be back in her normal elven body. And both Ethelwulf and Dwyndolin were pleased to have their white magic and shifting abilities back.

  “We're back home!” Arnold69 yelled. “Yes!”

  “I was starting to think we'd never see this place again,” Ethelwulf said.

  “I know,” Alalia replied. “Me too!”

  The characters took a few minutes to let it all soak in. They were all overwhelmed with joy. None of them liked twenty-first-century Boston and were all relieved to be back home. A smile grew across Dwyndolin's face as she took a deep breath of fresh air.

  “It's good to be home,” she said. “You guys wanna head north into Lakewind to get some food?”

  “And some ale,” Arnold69 replied. “Lots and lots of ale.”

  “Of course,” Dwyndolin said. “Can't forget the ale!”

  The characters prepared to walk north up the road to Lakewind. They each looked through their belongings to check their supplies.

  “Hey guys,” Ethelwulf said. “Check this out. There's a scroll in my pack.”

  “What is it?” Alalia asked. “What does it say?”

  Ethelwulf read the first few words of the scroll to himself. It didn't take long for him to realize that it was a message from the four friends.

  “It's from the people we switched worlds with,” Ethelwulf explained.

  “Well, don't just stand there,” Arnold69 said. “Read it to us!”

  “Yeah, let's hear it!” Alalia added.

  “Okay. Here's what it says: If you're reading this then hopefully you're back in your world and we're back in ours. From now on, we won't control you any longer. You were never supposed to become sentient and self-aware. We have no idea how it happened but can't deny that it somehow did. Thank you for helping us all get back to where we belong. We couldn't have done it without you. While the grass may always seem greener on the other side, there's truly no place like home. Safe travels. May your lives be filled with prosperous adventure, unimaginable fortune, and good health. Signed, Mitch, Luke, Stephanie, and Alyssa.”

  “Awww,” Alalia said. “What a nice message.”

  “What did they mean when they said we were never supposed to become self-aware?” Dwyndolin asked.

  “I don't know and I don't care,” Arnold69 answered. “I'm just happy to know that they won't be controlling us anymore. Now we're free to go on our adventures without having to worry that someone will make us do despicable things.”

  “Yup,” Ethelwulf added. “Now we're completely in control of our own destinies. Which, when you think about it, is just as frightening as it is exciting.”

  “Yeah,” Alalia said. “Now we can do whatever we want to do without having to worry about being controlled by someone else. Speaking of which, I wonder what the people that were controlling us are like. I wonder what they're doing right now - if they're as happy to be home as we are.”

  “I guess we'll never know,” Ethelwulf replied. “But I'd like to think that they're as happy to be home as we are.”

  “I think we'd all be even happier if we got a few mugs of ale in us,” Arnold69 said. “Let's get going to Lakewind.”

  Ethelwulf rolled up the scroll from the friends and put it back in his pack. The characters grabbed their stuff and started walking north toward Lakewind. A gentle breeze was blowing down from the north and as they got closer to the town, they noticed the faint hint of a welcome scent.

  “I smell mutton cooking!” Ethelwulf said.

  “I'm gonna eat so much mutton and drink so much ale that by the end of the night, I won't be able to stand up,” Arnold69 replied.

  “More like you're gonna drink so much ale that you won't be able to shut up!” Dwyndolin joked.

  All four of the characters laughed. They got into town and, as planned, spent the entire evening at the tavern eating, drinking, and telling their tale to anyone who would listen. Not surprisingly, none of the patrons believed them but most found their story entertaining.

  “And there were these metal machines that moved five times faster than a horse,” Alalia excitedly explained to a group of elves in the tavern. “It was crazy! And when you look up, all you see is these massive buildings. They went way up into the sky!”

  “Five times faster than a horse?” one of the elves asked, incredulously. “Buildings up to the sky? I think you've had too much ale!”

  “I'm telling you!” Alalia exclaimed.

  The rest of the night went on like that. Lots of eating, drinking, and story telling. Eventually, the four characters got rooms at the inn and slept better than they had in a long time. All of them were happy to be back
home in their world of magic and wonder.

  Chapter 21 - Home Sweet Home

  “Fuck yeah!” Luke yelled as he rubbed his eyes. “It worked! It fucking worked!”

  “We're home!” Mitch yelled, almost as loud as his roommate.

  The boys were back in their Boston apartment. They were so happy to be home that they didn't even care the place was trashed and almost all their food was gone. As soon as Mitch's vision returned to normal, he looked for his cell phone so he could call the girls. After a short search, he found it under an empty bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.