Can't Stop Loving You

by Janelle Taylor

  Meanwhile, he dialed his home number. It rang several times, and then the answering machine kicked on.

  “Listen, Alan, I hope you get this message,” Noah said. “I had to leave town for a few days. Just wanted to let you know that if there’s any kind of emergency, you can reach me at the Sweet Briar Inn in Strasburg, New York. I don’t have the number, but it’s listed. And if my boss calls looking for me, don’t give out any information. Thanks.”

  “Your boss doesn’t know where you are?”

  Startled, he turned to see Mariel standing behind him, obviously having overheard the last part of his one-way conversation.

  “Nah, I called in sick,” Noah said, replacing the receiver.

  “You’re going to call in again tomorrow?”

  “I guess I’ll have to,” he said as they headed back to the main section of the mall, where the Multiplex was located. The place was getting more crowded—mostly mothers pushing baby carriages and school-aged children. “I’ll go back to the office on Wednesday afternoon, when I get back into town.”

  “Will that be a problem for your boss?”

  “Maybe.” He shoved his hands into the pockets of his shorts. “And if it is, he’ll just have to deal with it.”

  “What if he fires you?”

  “Maybe that would be a blessing in disguise,” Noah said. “Like I told you, advertising isn’t exactly my alltime ambition. I landed in an agency for lack of anything else to do.”

  “Just like I landed in teaching,” Mariel said.

  “Exactly. Only you enjoy what you do. I don’t.”

  “Then, why do you stay?”

  He thought about that. “Until now, I stayed because of Kelly. Now that she’s gone…”

  “There’s no reason to stay?” Mariel asked, sidestepping a teenaged couple walking with their hands in each other’s back pockets. “You loved her that much? Enough that you would work at a career you hated, just to make her happy?”

  “I thought I loved her that much,” he said, looking at her just in time to see her flinch at his words.

  So it hurt her to know that he had loved another woman. Did he dare tell her that what he had felt for Kelly was entirely different from what he had felt for her? That his feelings for Kelly were long dead and buried?

  No, he couldn’t tell her that. Not when his feelings for Mariel were supposedly dead and buried, too. Last night wasn’t supposed to have changed anything. He was supposed to go on believing that they weren’t meant to be together, that she was too selfish to be the kind of woman he had always wanted.

  She had a life of her own, a life she had built and a life that seemed to make her happy. A life to which she would return any day now, just as he would return to his own world.

  “So what went wrong in your marriage?” Mariel asked, so directly that he was caught off guard.

  “Basically, I realized that my wife didn’t want what I wanted.” He decided to be completely honest, even knowing the implications of what he was going to say to her. “To be more specific, Kelly didn’t want children. I did.”

  He heard Mariel’s breath catch in her throat, but when she spoke there was no sign that his words had rattled her. “I can see how that would be a huge problem.”

  He nodded. “We both realized we were better off apart. For all I know, she’s already found somebody new. Some wealthy lawyer who doesn’t want children, either.”

  “Have you tried to find somebody new, Noah? Somebody who will give you children?”

  He shook his head, unable to believe that they were having this conversation. They had spent the night making love and dozing in each other’s arms, yet today, they were acting as though nothing had happened between them. As though there was no question of picking up where they had left off all those years ago—no question of staying together, getting married, having a family.

  And of course, that wasn’t going to happen.

  Yet he couldn’t help wishing they could pretend they were something other than what they were. He wasn’t in the mood for a frank discussion of his love life—or lack thereof—with other women. Yet hadn’t he already probed her for similar information about herself?

  So it was established that neither of them had anyone in their lives—including each other, he thought wryly.

  “What happened when you called the airline?” he asked, to change the subject.

  “They said that there are no direct flights on Wednesday from Syracuse. I have to fly back through La Guardia.”

  “Good luck making your connection,” he said, making a face. “La Guardia’s insane, and air traffic there is always a mess.”

  “Actually, I have a three-hour layover there, so it’ll probably be fine.” She stopped short. “I forgot to call the car rental place to tell them I need to keep it for another day. They think I’m turning it in tomorrow.”

  “Don’t bother to change that,” Noah said. “I’ve got a car. I’ll drive you to the airport in Syracuse on Wednesday morning before I head home.”

  “That’s completely out of your way,” she protested.

  “I don’t mind. I never get to drive, remember? I live in the city. It’s a pleasure for me to hit the open highway.”

  They had arrived at the entrance to the Multiplex and were standing directly beneath a listing of films that were now playing. “What movie do you want to see?” Noah asked. “How about the new Jim Carrey one?”

  She made a face. “No, thanks. It seems kind of…I don’t know. Stupid.”

  “Now who’s bland?” he asked with a grin.

  “How about the Meryl Streep one?” she suggested. “I love her.”

  “Too heavy,” he quickly decided, after glancing at the movie’s poster on a nearby wall.

  “Well, the Disney cartoon one is out—I see enough Disney to last me a lifetime during the school year,” she said.

  “You take the kids to the movies?”

  “I have video day in school once a month,” she said. “I make popcorn, and we all draw pictures of the characters and have a discussion afterward.”

  “You must be everyone’s favorite teacher.”

  “I don’t know about that, but I am pretty loved,” she said with mock conceit.

  “I’m sure you are,” he said, turning away from her so that he wouldn’t be looking right into her eyes. She was standing close to him because the place was crowded, and he found himself longing to lean down and kiss her.

  But he couldn’t do that.

  He could, but he wouldn’t.

  “How about the Meg Ryan movie?” she suggested.

  He nodded. “Fine.” At this point, he would have agreed to see just about anything just for something else to do—something other than stand here and think about kissing her.

  He got in line and bought tickets, and then he got in line and bought astronomically priced popcorn and soda.

  “You didn’t have to do that,” she said when he walked back over to where she was waiting by the theater entrance.

  “I thought we might get hungry.”

  “Thanks,” she said, grabbing a handful just as he reached into the bucket. Their hands brushed, and he was jolted by the contact with her skin. His unruly mind flashed back to last night, with her, in the water, and he put the popcorn into his mouth and chewed vigorously, trying to forget how she had looked, how she had felt in his arms.

  “Let’s go in,” he said, and she agreed.

  Together, they walked into the darkened theater, and found it utterly deserted.

  “Where do you want to sit?” she asked.

  “Looks like we have our choice,” he said dryly. “This doesn’t happen in Manhattan, that’s for sure.”

  “I wonder if this movie’s supposed to be any good?”

  “It’s too late to leave now,” he said, as the lights grew dimmer and the screen lit up with a preview notice.

  They slid into seats halfway down the aisle, and Noah balanced the popcorn on the armrest between th
em. He let out a silent sigh of relief that for the next two hours at least, he wouldn’t have to think about anything but the movie.

  Choosing this movie had been a big mistake. Why on earth had Mariel suggested the Meg Ryan film, of all the features that were playing?

  She knew Meg Ryan usually did romantic comedies, and this had turned out to be no exception. The plot revolved around reunited lovers, and there were a couple of steamy love scenes along with a tearjerking finale in which the heroine, clad in her wedding gown, was delivering the hero’s baby.

  When the lights came up, Mariel didn’t even want to look at Noah. Nor did he look at her as they made their way back up the aisle past the only other occupant, a lone senior citizen sitting in an aisle seat, watching the credits roll.

  “What did you think?” Noah asked, when they were out in the mall again.

  “It was pretty good,” she said. And it had been good. It had also been totally unrealistic. Nobody who had been through what the movie’s hero and heroine had been through ever could have lived happily ever after as easily as they had.

  Or maybe other people could.

  Maybe it was just Mariel and Noah who couldn’t.

  “Did you like it?” she asked cautiously.

  “It was okay,” he said cryptically, and they turned in the direction of the ice cream parlor. The mall was a little less crowded now that dinnertime had rolled around.

  The ice cream shop was as empty as the movie theater had been, and she knew right away that the girl behind the counter was Amber’s friend Nicole. She was young and pretty, her long dark hair pulled back into a ponytail held in place by the visor cap of her uniform. She looked completely bored, leaning against the counter staring off into space until she saw that she had customers. Then she jumped to attention, obviously eager for something to do.

  “Can I help you?” she asked from across the counter.

  “You’re Nicole, right?” Noah asked.

  She nodded.

  “We’re wondering if you might be able to help us,” Mariel said, noticing that she had gone from friendly and expectant to apprehensive. “We’re investigating Amber’s disappearance.”

  Now Nicole looked downright sullen. “I don’t know anything about that.”

  “You and Amber are close friends,” Noah said. “You must be concerned that she’s missing.”

  The girl said nothing.

  “Look, we’re private investigators hired by her parents to find out what happened to her, Nicole,” Noah said. “If you don’t tell us what we want to know, we’ll just question other people connected to her until we find out”

  “What is it that you want to know?” Nicole asked. “Because trust me, I don’t know anything about where she went.”

  Mariel noticed that she had said “where she went” rather than “what happened to her.” That seemed to suggest that Amber had been in control, rather than that she had been abducted. Or was Mariel reading too much into the girl’s wording?

  “We’re operating on the assumption that she’s been kidnaped,” Noah said. “That means this case might go to the FBI. They’re not very receptive to witnesses who don’t cooperate with them.”

  “Are you with the FBI?” Nicole asked.

  “No, we’re not,” Mariel said, worried that Noah was going to dig them in even deeper. She hated to have him lie about who they were and what they were doing. Then again, they were doing this for Amber’s own good, and if it meant lying to her friends, then so be it.

  “But the FBI will be called in if this does turn out to be a kidnaping,” Noah said. “Do you expect it to come to that?”

  “I don’t know,” the girl said, not looking at him.

  “What about your friend Sherry?” Mariel asked. “She’s still away at Camp Wannabuck, right?”

  “Camp Drake,” Nicole corrected.

  “Are you sure? Because we were told it was Camp Wannabuck, in the Catskills.”

  “It’s not. It’s Camp Drake, in Clearwater Corners,” Nicole said. “Believe me, I write to her there. I know which camp it is.”

  “Maybe you’re right, but…” Mariel pasted a doubtful look on her face, inwardly giving herself a high five.

  “If you think of anything we should know, you can reach us at the Sweet Briar Inn, Nicole,” Noah said. He took a napkin from the dispenser on the counter and scribbled his name and Mariel’s on it. “Just call and ask for us. We’re really concerned about your friend.”

  “So am I,” Nicole said. “If I knew anything, I would tell you. But I don’t.”

  With that, she turned away.

  Mariel could see her hands trembling as, with her back to them, she busied herself refilling the straw dispenser. She knows something, she thought. She knows something, and she has no intention of telling us what it is.

  Out in the mall again, Noah turned to her. “Way to go, Mariel. That was excellent, the way you got the name of Sherry’s camp out of her. How the heck did you come up with ‘Wannabuck’?”

  She grinned. “Sounds realistic, doesn’t it? It just popped into my head. What do you think? Do we head to Clearwater Corners?”

  “Definitely tomorrow. But not tonight. I’m beat. How about you?”

  She hadn’t thought about it, but now she realized that her shoulders were aching and her eyes felt as though somebody had poured rubbing alcohol into them. “I guess I’m tired, too. But I hate to let another night go by, Noah, knowing that she’s out there someplace…maybe in some kind of danger.”

  “I feel the same way. And we’re going to help her, Mariel. But we’ll be a lot more effective if we get a good night’s sleep before we drive up into the mountains looking for Camp Drake. Besides, it’s supposed to storm tonight.”

  “Looks that way,” she said. They had arrived at the main entrance of the mall. Beyond the row of tall glass doors, the sky hung ominously low and dark over the sprawling parking lot.

  “We’d better head back to Strasburg,” Noah said. “We can get dinner in town.”

  Mariel nodded. As they headed out into the dense evening air, she realized he had assumed that they would be eating together tonight. They had officially become a team—a team with a mission. But what would happen once the mission was accomplished and their daughter was safely back where she belonged? Would she and Noah go their separate ways once more, never to see each other again?

  The thought stung her, but she knew that it was realistic. What other option did they have? Yes, they were attracted to each other, but they couldn’t rekindle a relationship that wouldn’t work.

  But how do you know it won’t work this time? a nagging voice asked.

  Because she and Noah were two different people, both with baggage. She couldn’t leave behind the life she had built to try and start over now, with him. And he was just coming out of a marriage—a marriage that hadn’t succeeded, from what she could tell, because his wife hadn’t been willing to become the impossible ideal Noah had in mind.

  Mariel knew what he was looking for, and he wasn’t going to find it with her. He wanted the perfect family—the kind of life he had never had growing up. He wanted a woman who would devote herself to him, a woman who would bear his children and make his home and promise to stay by his side forever.

  She couldn’t be that woman. She couldn’t let him smother her with his impossible expectations. And she couldn’t have children. Not now. Not again. She had given up their first child because she knew her emotional limits.

  She sighed.

  Noah looked at her. They had almost reached the car.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  “Nothing,” she said quickly. “I’m just worried about Amber.”

  “Don’t worry,” he said. “We’ll find her.”

  “But what if, when we do, it turns out that she did run away? Will she be forced to go back to the Steadmans even if she’s been miserable there?”

  He shook his head. “I’ll take her in myself before I let that h
appen.”

  “You can’t take her yourself, Noah!” she said. There he went again, creating an impossible fantasy. “How would you do that?”

  “She’s my own flesh and blood,” he retorted, his jaw set stubbornly. “Do you think I can sit by and let her live with people who aren’t taking care of her?”

  “Who says they aren’t taking care of her? From what I could see, they love her. And I’m not sure I believe the runaway scenario at this point. They’ve hired a private investigator to find her.”

  “That doesn’t mean she didn’t run away, and it doesn’t make them decent parents. Besides, you heard what Brando said. They’re splitting up.”

  “That doesn’t mean they don’t love her and won’t take care of her.”

  “This isn’t what we wanted for her, Mariel. If we wanted her to come from a broken home, we could have gotten married and raised her ourselves.”

  His words exploded between them like thunder, and she stopped walking, standing absolutely still, just a few feet away from the rental car.

  “What are you saying, Noah?” she asked tightly. “Are you saying I made the wrong decision? Are you blaming me for this? Because I did what I thought was best for her.”

  And for yourself. Admit it. You also did what you thought was best for you. She tried to push that thought aside, but it wouldn’t budge.

  Yes, giving Amber up had been what was best for herself, too. But if raising the baby on her own had been a viable option, she would have taken it even if it meant tremendous self-sacrifice. Wouldn’t she?

  She didn’t know.

  Desolate, she realized that it didn’t matter whether Noah blamed her for this. There was a part of her that blamed herself—a well of guilt that she hadn’t realized lay deep within her for all these years. Now it had swelled and overflowed, flooding her with doubts.

  Should have.

  Could have.

  Shouldn’t have.

  Couldn’t have.

  She felt dizzy from going over and over it all in her head, reliving that dark, awful time in her life.

  “What’s done is done,” Noah said, and she realized that she had been staring at him unseeingly, mulling over his words. “All we can do now is go forward.”