Never Say Never

by Victoria Christopher Murray

  “I wish that, too,” I said, knowing for sure that my idea to get him away would help him with his grief. “Let’s start making plans. I’ll be ready to go in a couple of weeks.”

  “I’ll get right on it,” he said before he kissed me again.

  Rolling away from him, I stopped right before I stood up. “Oh, I almost forgot. Miriam called last night.”

  He blinked. “Is she okay?”

  “Yes. She was calling about Junior.” I told him what Miriam had told me when she called, about Junior’s basketball tryouts and how she wanted Jamal to be there with his godson. Jamal’s eyes got even brighter than when we were talking about Maui. It was as if Miriam’s call gave him a purpose. If he could be there for Junior, he wouldn’t have to think about missing Chauncey.

  “I would love to do that,” Jamal said, sitting up. “I’m surprised she didn’t ask Charlie.”

  “I didn’t ask her about him, but I’m not surprised. She really wanted you.”

  He frowned.

  “I mean, you’re Junior’s godfather.”

  “Oh, yeah, yeah. I knew that’s what you meant.”

  “So, basketball with Junior today and Maui with me in a few weeks. Your life is grand,” I kidded, and then kissed his cheek. But before I could get up, Jamal wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me back. He pressed himself against me and I could feel the heat of his hard desire.

  As much as I wanted this man, I couldn’t. “Ah, babe. I’ve got to get to Children’s Hospital for LaTonya and I’m already late.”

  He rolled away from me.

  “I’m sorry,” I said.

  “No, no, I understand.”

  I knew he was telling the truth; Jamal always understood. But still, this didn’t feel good to me, so I knew it didn’t feel good to him. We hadn’t made love in two weeks.

  I shifted in the bed until I was on top of him. “I promise, I promise, I will do my best to get home at a decent hour and even if you’re asleep, I’m gonna wake you up and rock your world.”

  He smiled.

  “Did I say, I promise?”

  Now he laughed and I kissed him again before I jumped from the bed. I had a long day ahead, but I was looking forward to it. I would be focused on LaTonya during the day, but tonight my mind, my body, and my soul would belong to the man I loved.

  23

  Miriam

  I cannot figure out how I let you talk me into this,” Mama Cee fussed from the passenger side of the car. “Getting my hair done twice in a week.”

  I didn’t turn to the left, I didn’t turn to the right. I kept my eyes on the road, knowing that if I looked at my mother-in-law she might see the truth. She might see all the lies that I’d told. “It’s not twice in a week, Mama Cee. You got your hair done last week.”

  “Well, whenever, I don’t need to be going back so soon.”

  “This is a good idea,” I said, knowing that I had to keep persuading her. It had been hard enough to get her to this point.

  Yesterday, when we returned home from brunch, I’d immediately set my plan into motion. Getting the kids out of the house—check, since they were going back to school. Getting Charlie out of the house—another check, since he was going to take the boys to school and hang around for Junior’s tryouts.

  The only person left was Mama Cee and she was going to be the most difficult. There was a good chance she would want to stay in her bedroom and rest. But I didn’t want Mama Cee to overhear what I had to say to Jamal.

  So I’d come up with this plan: send her to the beauty shop. That would keep her away from home for hours.

  I’d called Leah, told her that this had to be her idea, and since we’d been friends for years, she went along with my plan. It had been easier with Mama Cee last night, but now that she’d slept on it, I was afraid she was going to change her mind.

  “You’re leaving tomorrow, Mama Cee, and who knows when you’ll come back. At least now you’ll be leaving with a good, deep condition.”

  “Umph. I can put my own conditioner in. I don’t need to be paying all of this money.”

  “I promise, Mama Cee, you’ll be happy you did this.”

  She folded her arms across her chest. “I’m not going to be happy writing this extra check.”

  “I told you I was paying for this.”

  “I don’t want you paying for me.”

  “This is my treat.” I pushed my foot down a bit on the pedal. I needed to get to the shop quick!

  “But you have to be careful with money now.”

  “Mama Cee, Leah is hardly charging me anything,” I lied. I was paying her triple her normal price for slipping Mama Cee in on a Monday. “And I already told you I’m good. The boys and I are going to be good for a long time because your son took care of us.”

  “That’s because I raised him right. But that doesn’t mean that I want you wasting that insurance money on me.”

  I was glad that I was at a red light because now, even though I didn’t want her looking into my eyes, I had to face her. “Mama Cee, nothing I do for you is a waste. After all you’ve done for me, I could never do enough for you.”

  “All I’ve ever done is love you,” my mother-in-law said.

  “You and Chauncey. When no one else did.”

  “I don’t care about anyone else. This is just me and you. And you never have to worry about doing anything for me, you hear?” Before I could respond, she added, “Wait! There is something I want from you.”

  “Anything,” I said, as I took my foot off the brake and cruised down La Brea.

  She let a couple of beats go by. “I want you to be happy. Even without Chauncey, I want you to find a way to be happy.”

  This was why I loved this woman. All I wanted to do was take her back home and spend the next twenty-four hours before she left for Phoenix just loving on her. And I would do that—right after I took care of my business with Jamal.

  “So, can you do that for me?”

  “I’m trying, Mama Cee.” I edged the car to the curb in front of the hair salon. “Here we are.” I held my breath, knowing there was a fifty-fifty shot that Mama Cee would just tell me to turn around and take her home.

  But then she gathered her cane and purse and I exhaled.

  “Just call me when Leah’s almost done.”

  “All right, baby.” Mama Cee eased out, and I kept the car in park until she stepped through the door. She turned around to wave, and I waved back, before I tore out of there like I was being chased.

  The first part of my mission was accomplished.

  I should’ve felt better about this than I did, but it was hard to feel good when I’d lied to people I loved, people who trusted me.

  Especially Emily.

  But I’d only lied so that I could put everything back together. My friendship with Emily was broken. She didn’t know it, but I had to fix this before she could ever find out.

  Leah’s shop was only ten minutes from my home. I swerved around cars, took chances zooming through changing lights, and made that left turn onto my block in just a little over five minutes. I released a long breath when I saw that my driveway was clear. I hit the remote for the garage, drove inside, and parked the van next to Chauncey’s car, then closed the garage door behind me. Grabbing my purse, I dashed inside and had just a couple of minutes to catch my breath before the doorbell rang.

  I breathed deeply, then went to the door, opening it wearing a frown. “Oh, my goodness. Jamal!”

  “Uh, yeah, you look like you weren’t expecting me,” he said, taking tentative steps into my home. “Emily said you wanted me to take Junior to school, then go to his basketball tryouts with him.”

  “Yes, I did, I called you, but I forgot to call you back and tell you that Charlie’s plans changed and he went with Junior. I’m so sorry. I . . .” I paused when my voice started to tremble. “I’m really . . . really . . . really . . .” Before I could get another word of my lie out, I burst into tears.

  �
��Miriam!” Jamal exclaimed. His face was creased with his concern. “What’s wrong?”

  “I’m sorry, but I can’t do this, I can’t—”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I lied. I lied to everyone so that you would come over and I could talk to you.”

  “About Junior?”

  “No, Charlie went with him and I knew he was going to do that when I talked to Emily last night,” I sobbed. “I just wanted you to come over and I was afraid if I asked you, you would say no. ’Cause everything has changed and I don’t want anything to change.”

  Jamal held up one hand, and with his other he led me into the living room. When we sat on the sofa, he said, “Now tell me again, slower this time.” He paused and, with the back of his hand, wiped away my tears.

  When he touched me, I remembered everything that I was trying so hard to forget.

  “Now,” he said softly, “are you ready to start over?”

  I nodded and took a moment before I said, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have lied to you.” His touch had calmed me. “I wanted to talk to you about what happened between us and how I talked to Emily yesterday in church.”

  “You talked to Emily?” he asked, with wide eyes.

  “No, no, not about us. In church, she asked about our . . . lunch. She wanted to know if everything was okay because she was worried about you. She said you were home in bed and I felt so bad. I knew it was because of me. And I wanted to apologize for that.”

  “I didn’t stay home because of you. There’s no reason for you to apologize.”

  This time, he was the one who wasn’t telling the truth. There were a million reasons to apologize. But I continued, “I also wanted to make sure that we had our stories straight.” I paused. “Our stories straight, oh, God!” I lowered my head and covered my face with my hands. “That means that I’m going to have to keep lying, oh, God!”

  “Miriam, Miriam.” He called my name softly. “This is going to be all right. We’re going to be all right.”

  I hid my face in my hands for a few moments longer, then sat up straight, though I didn’t feel any stronger. But my voice was steadier. “Jamal, I don’t want to lose you as a friend. Even before Chauncey passed away you meant the world to me. So I don’t want what happened to change us. Please.”

  Jamal shook his head.

  “If I lost you now, it would be like . . . it would be like . . .” My chin hit my chest and I had to fight to hold the tears.

  “Miriam, you’re not going to lose me. Nothing’s going to change. We’re still friends. We’ll always be friends.”

  The softness of his voice, the tenderness of his words, made me sob, even though I didn’t want to.

  He pulled me into his arms and I cried into his chest, not quite sure why I couldn’t stop these tears. Maybe it was because I was grateful. Maybe it was because I still had his friendship and that meant that my heart would go on beating.

  I worked hard to pull myself together and finally, I looked up. I wanted to thank him, but then his lips were right there and . . .

  Just like the other day, I don’t know if I kissed him or he kissed me. But we were together again.

  This time, it was better. Because it was familiar and somehow, some way, it felt right.

  Gently, Jamal pushed me back onto the sofa, but then he paused for just a moment. “Are we alone?” he asked, his voice sounding huskier, sexier.

  It was a strange time to ask, because even if the house had been filled with people, I would’ve lied. I would’ve said anything to keep this feeling going.

  “Yes.” I hardly recognized my voice. I pulled him back toward me and kissed him like my life depended on it. This time, I was the one who broke away, rolled off the couch, and led him into my bedroom. I was the one who tore his clothes off while I slipped out of mine. And I was the one who pulled him down on top of me as if I was sex-starved. I was the one out of my mind.

  We didn’t last long; I guess Jamal was as hungry as I was, and not long after we started, we lay side by side, breathing heavily. I rested my head on Jamal’s chest and he held me as if I belonged there.

  I let many silent minutes go by and then I asked, “What—”

  Before I said another word, Jamal finished for me, “—are we doing?”

  Then, together, we said, “I don’t know.”

  I said, “But, Jamal—”

  “Sssshhh.” He hugged me closer to him. “We don’t have to figure this out. Not right now.”

  I nodded and just let him hold me. I said, “Can I say one thing?”

  “You can say anything.”

  “When I’m with you, I feel so good. I’m sorry, God help me, but I do. When I’m with you, I don’t feel like only half of my heart is beating.”

  Even though he didn’t say anything, I wasn’t sorry for what I’d said. My words were probably going to scare him, but I had to let him know how I felt.

  He rocked my world when he said, “You make me feel good, too, Miriam.”

  At that point, if the heavens had opened and angels started singing, I wouldn’t have been surprised.

  Jamal kissed the top of my head, rolled out of the bed, and asked if he could take a quick shower. As he did, I waited in bed, dreaming with my eyes open.

  Once he’d showered and dressed, he moved toward me. And just like on Saturday, he leaned down and kissed my forehead. Then he left without saying another word.

  But this time, I didn’t cry. This time, I wasn’t heartbroken.

  Because unlike Saturday, this time, I knew Jamal would be back.

  24

  Emily

  There had never been any doubt in my mind, but I knew it now for sure—I had the best husband in the world. Even though I hadn’t been home in twenty-four hours and even though I couldn’t give Jamal an estimated time of arrival now, he only had one concern.

  “How are you?” he asked. “Did you get any sleep last night?”

  “A little,” I said, only because I didn’t want to worry him. The truth was that my eyes hadn’t closed since I’d been in bed with him yesterday morning. I’d stayed up through the night because LaTonya had been awake. Without the sedatives that Dr. Caster had been giving her, she hadn’t slept. Instead, she talked about her sister. And when she wasn’t talking, she was crying. And when she wasn’t crying, she was screaming.

  I’d tried to calm her throughout the night, but she hadn’t settled down until an hour ago.

  “I miss you, babe,” Jamal said.

  “I know. But as soon as I talk to Doctor Caster, I’ll be home. And as soon as I can, we’ll be on that plane to Maui. So, how’s Junior? Did he make the basketball team?”

  “Uh . . . well . . . I didn’t go with him. It turned out that Charlie was able to take him.”

  “Oh,” I said, a bit surprised. “Why didn’t you just go with Charlie?”

  “I got there a little late—you know, Monday traffic.”

  “Well, I hope he made the team because I’d love to go to his games.”

  “Yeah, and I’m going to make sure that I hang out with the boys now that Mama Cee and Charlie are leaving.”

  “That’s right! Today.” I moaned. “I should be fired as a friend.”

  “Don’t say that.”

  “No, I really feel bad about not seeing Miriam. Hell, I haven’t spent enough time with you.”

  “Em, stop being so hard on yourself. It’s not like you’re hanging out. You’re working.”

  “Doctor Harrington-Taylor.” I turned around and faced Dr. Caster. I held up one finger, silently asking him to give me a moment.

  He nodded, but didn’t move away.

  “Honey, I have to go, but I’ll call you in a couple of hours, okay?”

  “Okay, and Emily?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I love you, babe. I love you so much.”

  He hung up before I could tell him the same.

  “Sorry to interrupt your call,” Dr. Caster said.
“Can we talk?”

  I nodded and followed him down two long hallways before we stepped into a sparse, white-walled office. I sat in the single chair that was on the other side of a desk that could’ve been purchased at IKEA.

  Without any formalities, the doctor said, “It’s been seventy-two hours.” There was so much more to his statement. Really, he was asking what I was going to do with LaTonya now.

  I shook my head. “Seventy-two hours and I don’t have any idea where we should go from here.”

  “Well, as you know,” he said, “a person cannot be released from the hold until they agree not to try suicide again.”

  “That’s the rule for adults, but how do we handle a six-year-old?”

  He nodded as if he felt my pain. “We know she still has these tendencies. She may not understand what she’s doing, but she still wants to do it and I have to fill out this report. All I can say is that she’s still talking about killing herself,” the doctor told me.

  “She doesn’t say that.” I had to protect LaTonya because in this case, words really mattered. Everything was going to be put in her file. “She says that she wants to go to heaven,” I said, wanting the doctor to be clear.

  He replied, “If those are the words you want me to use—”

  “So once you write this report, what will this mean? Are we actually going to put her into some kind of institution? Some kind of psychiatric hospital?”

  The doctor didn’t answer me; at least he didn’t respond with words.

  “I can’t see that.” I stood and paced. “An institution with a whole bunch of other kids, who will be older than her, which won’t help. I know for a fact I can help her. But I have to reach her on her level. I need a little more time.”

  “Well, I have to write this report today, and all I can say today is that she still has these tendencies if she’s not restrained.”

  “So, we’re just going to commit her?” Before he answered, I said, “Wait, I have an idea.” Slowly, I sat back down, trying to formulate at least half a plan in my head. “I know what I’m about to ask isn’t normally done, but what about if we kept her here?”

  The doctor was already shaking his head. “I don’t have the staff to take care of her. There’s no psych unit here.”