Young Frankenstein

by Gilbert Pearlman

  The doctor lay down beside her on the table. "There can never ever be anything physical between us," he said, pulling a sheet over them. "You know that . . . dear..."

  "I know, Frederick."

  "But an intellectual relationship like this, we could have as often as we wanted. Three times a day. Anything."

  "Oh, Frederick-"

  Frau Blucher appeared from the stairway. "Excuse me, Doctor," she said.

  "What is it?" Dr. Frankenstein asked curtly.

  "A cable came while you were gone."

  "Big deal!" he said. "I am never to be interrupted while I'm working."

  "I thought you might want to know about the cable," Frau Blucher said. "Your fiancee will be arriving any moment."

  Dr. Frankenstein threw back the sheet and leaped from the table. "Elizabeth? Here?"

  "Yes," Frau Blucher replied, departing. "I'm going now to prepare her room."

  "Oh, Doctor," Inga said. "How wonderful for you."

  "Yes," the doctor replied, smiling, recalling his fiancee's big bazooms. "See you later," he said, heading for the stairs.

  "But, doctor-the monster. You were going to do something about his problem."

  "Tomorrow," he said. "Right now, I'm thinking about tonight. I've got to dress for Elizabeth."

  He raced up the stairs and went to his room. There, he bathed and powdered himself, then put on pajamas and a dressing gown and tied an ascot at his throat.

  "Irresistible," he said, viewing himself in the mirror.

  There was a pounding at the main door.

  "It must be Elizabeth," he said. "I recognize those knockers!"

  Dr. Frankenstein ran from his room and raced to the landing. Elizabeth had just entered the reception hall. Inga and Igor were there to meet her.

  "Darling!" the doctor called down.

  She raised her arms to him. "Darling!"

  He bounded down the stairs and took his fiancee into his arms.

  "Surprised?" she asked.

  "Surprised," he replied.

  "Love me?"

  "Love you."

  For a second, they could not speak, so great was their joy at being together again.

  Then the doctor broke the silence. "Well, why don't we turn in?" he said.

  Elizabeth blushed. "Darling!" she said.

  "I mean, it's been a long day," the doctor said. "I'm sure you must be tired. And we- Oh," he said, indicating Inga and Igor. "These are my assistants."

  Elizabeth nodded to Inga. "How do you do?"

  "So nice to meet you at last," Inga said pleasantly.

  Elizabeth turned her eyes to Igor.

  "Darling!" he cried.

  She blinked, caught off guard.

  "Surprised?" Igor asked.

  "Well-yes-"

  "Miss me?" he asked.

  "I. . ." She turned to the doctor.

  "Ignore him," Dr. Frankenstein advised. "Ready to go up, darling?"

  "Yes, I am a bit tired, after all."

  The doctor looked down at her luggage, then turned to Igor. "Want to give me a hand with these bags?" he said.

  "All right. You take the blond, I'll take the dark one."

  "The suitcases!" the doctor said.

  "Oh, them." Igor shrugged. "Okay, master." He picked up the small bag, leaving the two large ones for the doctor, and set off for the stairs.

  "What a strange fellow," Elizabeth said, as she and Dr. Frankenstein and Inga followed Igor up the steps.

  "Yes. He's a little tilted. Harmless, though."

  "Why does he call you 'master'?" Elizabeth asked.

  He looked at her puzzledly. "Are you suggesting that I call him master?"

  "Why, no, of course not. I just-Never mind, dear."

  At the landing, Inga left them, going to her own room.

  When the doctor and Elizabeth reached the room that Frau Blucher had prepared for her, Igor was waiting.

  "We've got just enough for three-handed bridge," Igor said.

  Dr. Frankenstein got him by the shoulders, steered him out of the room, and closed the door. The doctor then turned to Elizabeth, opening his arms to her.

  "I must bathe, darling," she said. "It's been a long trip."

  "Good idea," the doctor said, willing to wait until she had prettied herself up for him.

  "Tell me what you've been doing," Elizabeth said, getting a sheer nightgown and an ever sheerer peignoir from one of her suitcases.

  "Thinking of you," he told her.

  "Surely," she said, going toward the bathroom, "you did something other than that."

  "Oh, some puttering," he replied. "A little work on the reanimation of a dead being."

  "Pardon?" she said, entering the bathroom.

  The door closed behind her.

  "I gave life to a dead man," the doctor said. He went to the door and bent down and looked in the keyhole. But she had hung something over it. "Bad job, as it turned out. He's a monster."

  "You'll do better next time," Elizabeth told him from the bathroom.

  "They've got him locked up," the doctor said.

  He heard water splashing.

  "Why for?"

  "He's a bad actor."

  "The stage is full of them," Elizabeth said. "They can't lock him up for that."

  "No, I mean he went berserk. He might have killed someone."

  He heard the water draining from the tub. "Don't blame yourself, darling," she said. Dr. Frankenstein sagged. He did blame himself. He wished she hadn't reminded him of it. This was no time for self-recrimination, for guilt feelings.

  The bathroom door opened. Elizabeth stood there, practically visible in the sheer nightgown and peignoir, with her big bazooms on the verge of tumbling out.

  "Oh, dear," she said, "you look so distraught. Is it your monster? Is that what's troubling you?"

  He nodded. "It's all my fault," he said. "Somewhere inside that so-called monster, there's a frightened child, crying out for love and understanding and normal human relationships . .. and I failed him ..."

  She came to him. "Frederick, I'm sure you did everything humanly possible. Don't blame yourself."

  The nearness of her big bazooms strengthened him. "You're right," he said. "The hell with him. This is a dog-eat-dog world." He reached out to Elizabeth.

  But she held him off. "Is your room just down the corridor?" she asked.

  "Sure. Want to go there?"

  "I was asking in case I get frightened during the night. I wouldn't want to have to go wandering around willy-nilly."

  "Actually," the doctor said, "I thought, tonight, under the circumstances, I might stay here with you." "Oh, darling-let's don't spoil everything." "I don't want to spoil anything," he said. "I just want to top it off."

  "Would you want me now, like this, so soon before our wedding?" she asked. "So near we can almost touch it-"

  "But I want to touch it."

  "-or to wait a little while longer, when I can give myself without hesitation? When I can be totally and unashamedly and legally yours?"

  The doctor thought about it. "It's a tough choice."

  "Is it worth taking a chance?" she asked.

  He sighed. "I suppose you're right."

  "Of course I am. I'm always right, you'll find. Now, let's say good-night."

  Dr. Frankenstein leaned toward her, lips at the ready.

  "Chapstick, dear," she said.

  "Chapstick," he replied lovingly.

  "No, I mean I've done my lips for the night," she explained, slipping her arm through his and guiding him toward the exit. "And I'm just too tired to do them twice."

  "Yes, it was a long trip."

  Elizabeth opened the door. "Nighty-night." She eased him out into the corridor.

  "I was thinking-maybe I could tuck you-"

  The door closed.

  Dr. Frankenstein stared at it. He sighed again. Then he turned away and walked slowly up the corridor. After a few steps, however, he halted. A gleam came into his eyes. Walking on, h
e moved at a faster pace. And, reaching Inga's door, he stopped and knocked.

  "Yes?"

  "It's me."

  The door opened. Inga was wearing a sheer nightgown and an even sheerer peignoir. Her big bazooms were on the verge of tumbling out.

  "Is anything the matter, Doctor?" she asked.

  "Just passing . . . thought I'd say good-night."

  "Doctor," she said, concerned, "something's wrong. You look so lonely."

  "No, no, not lonely. I just feel in the need of a good intellectual discussion, actually."

  "Would you like to come in and talk a little?"

  "I wouldn't want to keep you up."

  She smiled fetchingly. "I don't think you'd be keeping me up, Doctor."

  "Well, perhaps for a few minutes," he said, entering. He looked around the room. The bed was ready, the covers pulled back. "Einstein's theory of relativity- there's a topic," he said, pushing the door closed.

  The monster sat glumly on the cot in his cell in the village jail. On the other side of the bars, two of his guards were leaving for the night, saying good-bye to the third guard, Rudi, who was remaining on duty.

  "Pleasant dreams," the first guard said to Rudi. "I'm sure your new friend will be wonderful company."

  "Oh, don't worry about dis one," Rudi responded. "With him chained, him and me are gonna get along jus' fine."

  "Good-night," the second guard said to Rudi, handing him the keys.

  "Good-night."

  The two guards departed.

  "Ja, we gonna get along jus' fine, ain't we?" Rudi said to the monster, when they had gone. "We know what's good for us. So, we won't be no trouble."

  "Mmmmmmmmm," the monster moaned.

  "Ja, none of dat," Rudi said. "You save your singin' for da stage. Or I make you sing anudder song. How you like dat?"

  "Mmmmmmmmmmm."

  "Dat's what I thought. You settle down now. 'Cause you and me, we gonna be pals. Nice and cozy-right?"

  "Mmmmm."

  Rudi pulled his package of cigarettes from his shirt pocket.

  The monster, shifting his weight to get comfortable, rattled his chains.

  "Don't make a lot of noise," Rudi told him, taking a cigarette from the pack.

  "Mmmmmm."

  "Dat's right. You do what I tell you. Jus' like old friends, you and me." Rudi put the cigarette into his mouth, then struck a match. "Old pals, " he said.

  As the flame of the match flared higher, the monster moved again, drawing away. His chains rattled.

  "Shush!"

  "Mmmmmmmmm," the monster said, frightened.

  A grin broke out on the guard's face. "Vat's da matter?" he said. "You scared of dis liddle fire?" He laughed. "Some monster you are!" He raised the match higher. "Dis can't hurt you. See?"

  "Mmmmmm!"

  Rudi leaned forward, reaching the flame toward the monster, grinning wider. "You 'fraid, eh?"

  Rudi made a sudden move, shoving the flame at the monster's face.

  "Mmmmmmmmmrnmmm!" the monster roared in terror, throwing up his arms.

  "You don't like dat!" the guard said evilly. He laughed again, enjoying the monster's fear. "See! Mama was right-liddle boys ain't s'pose to play with matches, is dey?" Tauntingly, he poked at the monster with the flame.

  "Mmmmmmmm! Mmmmmmm! Mmmmmm!" The chains snapped!

  The monster, suddenly released, reached out intinc-tively to protect himself from the fire. His gigantic hands found the guard's throat!

  "Eeeeeeeee!" the guard screamed.

  In full panic now, the monster shook the man fiercely -until the guard's eyes rolled back and he went limp. The monster dropped him and he fell like a rag doll to the floor.

  "Mmmmmmmmm . . ." the monster whimpered, appalled at the thought that the guard was dead.

  But then Rudi stirred, groaning. He started to rise.

  The monster gripped the bars, watching.

  "I'll get ya!" Rudi muttered viciously.

  In his mind, the monster saw the fire again. The terror returned. He ripped at the bars and they gave way. Freedom!

  "Get ya!" Rudi said, struggling to rise.

  "Mmmmmmmm!" the monster cried, fleeing. He crashed through the jail door and disappeared into the night.

  Rudi, on his feet again, staggered to the door. "The monster's loose!" he shouted. "The monster's loose!"

  Lights began going on in nearby houses.

  "The monster's loose!" Rudi screamed.

  Men in nightshirts ran into the street. "The monster's loose!" Rudi wailed.

  Others took up the cry. "The monster's loose!"

  "Get the inspector!" Rudi shouted. The village was now ablaze with lights. Men ran toward the jail, getting into their clothes. They carried weapons of all kinds-guns, clubs, pitchforks, sabers. Some held torches. In the light of the fires, their eyes flashed with a mix of fear and hate and the lust to kill. Gathering in front of the jail, they became a mob.

  "Kill him!" a man shouted.

  "Kill the monster! Protect the women!"

  "Down with Frankenstein!"

  In this atmosphere of rage, Inspector Kemp arrived. He secluded himself in the jail with Rudi and got the guard's story.

  "He went out of his head!" Rudi told him. "I was jus' sittin' there, mindin' me own business, and all at once he went out of his head!"

  "Nature of the species," the inspector said.

  From outside came the shouts of the villagers.

  "Find the monster!"

  "Kill him!"

  The inspector stepped outside and raised his wooden arm, signaling for quiet.

  "He's gone back to his master!" a villager shouted.

  "Kill them both!" another shouted.

  "Hold on here!" Inspector Kemp said. "A riot is an ugly thing!"

  There was resentful grumbling.

  "But maybe it's just about time we had one," the inspector added.

  The villagers cheered.

  Inspector Kemp raised his wooden arm again, asking for quiet.

  "The law must prevail," he told the villagers. "We shall go to the castle. We shall confront Dr. Frankenstein with the facts. And if, indeed, he is harboring the monster-" He shook the wooden arm like an iron fist. "-as Heaven is my witness, he will curse the day he was born a Frankenstein!"

  "Yaaaaaaay!" the villagers shrieked.

  "Down with Frankenstein!"

  "Off with his head!"

  "Kill the monster!"

  With Inspector Kemp at the head, the mob began the march to Frankenstein castle. Along the way, others joined it. More torches lit up the night. The shouting continued, feeding the rage.

  "Kill!"

  "Burn him alive!"

  "Kill!"

  In time, the mob reached the castle. Inspector Kemp approached the door, and, using his good arm, pounded on it with the knocker.

  "Break it down!" a villager shouted.

  "None of that!" the inspector said. "A lynching is one thing-but destruction of private property, that goes against my grain."

  As it turned out, there was no need to break down the door, anyway. It opened, and Dr. Frankenstein appeared.

  "Yes?" he said, glancing curiously past the inspector at the mob.

  Inspector Kemp became apologetic. "Forgive us for intruding so late at night, Herr Baron . . ."

  "Not at all. What can I do for you?"

  "Here's the picture, Herr Doktor," the inspector said. "These good citizens I have with me are ready to tear you limb from limb-unless you can offer some rational explanation to soothe their fears. They say there are still strange goings-on in this castle. How say you?"

  "Preposterous!" the doctor scoffed. "Ugly, vicious rumors, that's your explanation."

  "I expected it was something like that-" the inspector began.

  From inside the castle came a terrified scream.

  For a second, those at the doorway became absolutely silent. Then the mob began murmuring. Questions flew.

  "What was that?" />
  "Did you hear it?"

  "It sounded like a scream, didn't it?"

  "What do you make of it?"

  The inspector addressed the doctor again. "And what, sir, is the rational explanation for that? Another ugly rumor, was it?"

  The doctor, who had no more idea what the scream was than the others did, was equal to the question. "What was what?" he responded.

  "Sir, I'll have no more-"

  Igor came rushing up from inside the castle. "The monster!" he informed Dr. Frankenstein. "He's back! The monster is back!"

  Dr. Frankenstein retained his calm. "What monster might that be?" he asked Igor.

  "What do you mean, what monster? The monster we made in the basement!"

  "I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about," the doctor said. He turned back to the inspector and the mob. "I'm sure we're all very tired," he said. "I suggest that we meet back here tomorrow morning-eight forty-five, say?-and thrash this thing out in a civilized way, over coffee and Schnecken."

  "But master!" Igor said, pulling at the sleeve of the doctor's robe, "You don't understand. That scream- didn't you hear it? The monster's got your fiancee! He broke into the castle! He's kidnapped her!"

  "What?"

  "I saw it!" Igor said.

  "Impossible!"

  From the rear of the mob, a villager shouted. "The monster! There he is! He's got a woman!"

  "This is what comes of permissiveness, sir!" the inspector said harshly to the doctor. "You're paying the price-he's got your fiancee!"

  "Nonsense-some village wench, probably."

  From out of the night came the scream again.

  And then a woman's voice, crying out in terror. "Watch the Chapstick!"

  "Elizabeth!" Dr. Frankenstein shouted.

  "After the monster!" a villager bellowed.

  "Kill!"

  "Burn!"

  Torches held high, the mob swept off into the darkness.

  "Wait for me!" Inspector Kemp called out, lumbering after them. "I'm your leader!"

  "What now, boss?" Igor asked the doctor, when they were alone. "A little something to eat and then join the chase?"

  "It's too late for that," the doctor replied. "He'll never trust the word of any man again. I've got to equalize the imbalance in his cerebrospinal fluid."

  "I like your style, master."

  "There's only one way I know of to do that," Dr. Frankenstein said. "One slim chance. But, in order to