Everything was going smoothly until a waft of air blew in from all of the tunnels. Why this happened, I don’t know, but it stirred up animal dander and threw it right in my face.
Now, I wasn’t one who generally had to deal with allergies, but apparently horse or goat hair didn’t sit well with my nasal passages.
I squeezed my nose with everything I had as I tried to fight back the urge.
You see, I’m not one of those people who can sneeze quietly. I’m the type who can wake the dead. And to make matters even more fun, my sneezes always come in packages of three. That’s three big-ass sneezes that would most definitely attract the attention of boner-wielding goat-people.
It was no use, my sinuses and lungs were in revolt and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.
I sneezed.
The sound of satyr playtime stopped.
I sneezed again.
Heads turned my way.
I sneezed again.
“What is that?” said one of the males, using his pork-sword to point in my direction.
“I don’t know,” said a female, “but surely it is new to the area?”
The male nodded. “I agree, and I like it when you call me Shirley.”
That was a different take on an old joke, though I don’t think it was intended as humor.
With a bunch of satyrs and satyresses looking my way, I had a choice to make. I could either make a run for it, which would probably just entice them more, or I could step out and try to communicate, hoping they would assist me.
I stepped out.
“Oh,” said the female, “he is rather gorgeous. I call dibs.”
“And I have seconds,” hollered the male.
Within moments, a line had formed. I wanted to swallow hard, but the connotation of the act, and potential miscommunication that went along with it, kept me from doing so.
The female clomped up to me and traced my face with her finger.
“You may have me now,” she said with sparkling eyes.
“Uh,” I choked, feeling exceedingly uncomfortable. “Listen, babe…you’re, like, really pretty and all that, but I’m a vegetarian.”
“So am I,” she replied with a tilt of her head. “We all are.”
Damn. That didn’t work.
“Right…uh…” A flash of brilliance struck. “I’m also impotent.”
She frowned. “Oh. Well then, I guess only the males get to have fun with you.”
“Fuck,” I hissed.
“That’s the idea,” said the male who had walked up at my admission of being incapable of using my naughty bits.
He was smiling like a guy who’d seen his first nudie magazine and his hoozitwhatsit poked my arm.
“Nasty,” I said, yanking my arm away. “I’m not into dudes, dude.”
He laughed. “That doesn’t matter.”
“It doesn’t?”
“Not to me.”
“Oh…Oh!” I pressed my back against the wall. “Not cool, man.”
My mind was racing as I grabbed hold of Boomy, making sure not to touch the satyr’s junk in the process.
I didn’t have enough breaker bullets for them all, but maybe I could keep them at bay if they saw what Boomy was capable of. Besides, assuming I got through this level, I still had seven more to go and I was sure I’d need plenty of bullets to make it all the way out.
What I needed was a diversion. Something that…
The dragons.
“Hey,” I said, releasing Boomy and holding up my hands, “how do you guys feel about dragons?”
Their faces grew dark.
Good.
“Their kind are an abomination,” said the male who was standing in front of me.
“I couldn’t agree more,” I replied with much enthusiasm. “Ever boned one?”
“What?”
“A dragon. Have you ever boned one?”
They were all looking around at each other. My question had clearly confused them.
The lead male furrowed his brow. “We have not.”
“Want to?”
More glances were exchanged. Their dark looks were slowly morphing into faces of sinister interest.
“I can see the prospect excites you,” I said quickly, “and I happen to have some insider information regarding dragons that you probably don’t know about.”
“What is it?” said the satyress I had disappointed earlier.
“All dragons have a secret fantasy to be in an orgy with satyrs and satyresses.”
“They do?” came the communal response.
“Who wouldn’t?” I asked, and then quickly added, “except for me, of course. I’m…uh…asexual.”
All their heads tilted at the word.
“That means that I don’t have sex like you guys do.” An idea hit. “In fact, if you were to attempt relations with me, all of your danglies would fall off.”
They all took a step back as a sound of “whoa” filled the room.
“That’s right. It’d be a shame, too, since you guys seriously like using those things.”
As a test, I stepped toward them and they backed farther away. That would probably suffice in giving me safe passage to the next level, but I still needed to keep the dragons busy for a while.
“Anyhoo, there are three dragons following me,” I explained. “They’ll be coming down those steps any moment now.”
“Why are they following you?”
“Because they’d asked if I knew how to get to the level where the satyrs and satyresses live.”
This seemed to confuse them even more. That was likely due to the fact that dragons ruled the Badlands, which meant that they knew exactly which creature lived on each level that sat in their lands.
I had to recover from that.
“They’re new to the area,” I said. “All of them were born in the Overworld. This is their first trip here. They’d heard all about you guys from the, uh, tourist pamphlets.”
“Tourist pamphlets?” the male replied as his engorged member bounced around as if seeking something to keep it occupied.
“Exactly.” I glanced into the darkness where the stairs were that led back to level one and saw three bodies walking out. “Anyway, they’re on their way in now and I’m sure they’d love to meet you all.”
As one, the creatures spun and cast their lusting eyes on the three dragons who had just walked into their midst.
“What’s going on here?” said the main dragon, glaring at me.
“These are the satyrs you asked about,” I called back. “The ones in the pamphlet. They’d be happy to include you in their orgy—right, gang?”
“Delighted,” said the lead satyr.
“With pleasure,” agreed that satyress.
The dragons laughed in a not-so-funny way. It was obvious they were on to my ruse, but they also seemed to be somewhat apprehensive.
“Very clever, human,” said the main dragon. “Unfortunately, your plan won’t work. We are the rulers of this land.” She turned her gaze back toward the half-animals. “You will not be having sex with us.”
The goat-people looked instantly bummed out.
The dragon then pointed in my direction. “I demand that you bring this man to me.”
The lead goat-dude’s eyes went wide. “But he can make our dicks fall off.”
“He can what?”
“It’s true,” I called out. “I can.”
“How?” asked the dragon.
I stuck my tongue out at her. “That’s for me to know and for you to find out.”
“What are you, five years old?” She didn’t wait for an answer. Instead, she stepped forward. “If you do not bring that man to me right now, I shall send a scourge upon your people that will do far worse than remove your genitalia.” Then she grinned evilly. “If you do retrieve him and your penises fall off, I shall send healing that will not only replace your fallen appendages, but they will be even larger than they are now.”
Shit.
Dragons were clearly better at deception than me.
I turned and ran.
Chapter 18
There was no way I could outrun even one of these damn things, and I was pretty fast.
I would have loved to employ Haste right about now, but that would mean I’d have to stop, take a deep breath, get into a semi-meditative state, and trigger the skill. There was no time for that. If I shut my eyes at this point, I’d either be captured by the satyrs behind me or boned by the ones I was heading toward.
To make matters worse, the satyrs behind me yelled out to the ones ahead that I was to be captured.
Now, if you can imagine a bunch of goat-dudes bolting at you with raging tallywackers bouncing around like pogo sticks, you’ll get the general idea of the trepidation I was feeling.
There was no way I could let these horny bastards catch me, so I did the only thing that made any sense.
I whipped out Boomy and shot off one of their dicks.
The poor beast unleashed the most horrific scream I’d ever heard. Then it keeled over and died.
That was something to put in the “how to kill a satyr” filing cabinet.
To end a vampire, you shoot it in the heart or head with a wood-infused bullet, or you can drive a wooden stake into its heart. Same gig with a werewolf, but you used silver instead of wood.
Satyrs? Blow their cocks off.
Sounded wrong, but taken in context it was the correct way to destroy one of the horny creatures.
And it worked, but I didn’t have enough bullets to match the number of throbbing pipes in the room.
Fortunately, they’d all stopped at seeing their comrade lying lifeless in their shared essence. Their faces were a mix between shock and terror. This worked in my favor, seeing that I still had Boomy drawn and was waving it toward all of their mid-sections as I briskly walked toward the dark tunnel that housed the stairs leading down to level three.
“Stop him,” yelled the dragon.
The satyrs shook their heads in unison.
“I’ll kill you all,” the dragon warned in a voice that was laced with dread. “Imagine all of your appendages falling off at the snap of my fingers.”
I stopped. It was one thing to be deceptive, but it was quite another to strike terror into the hearts of people—or goat-people, as the case may be—just because you could. Dragons could do minor magic. I knew this. Everyone knew this. But to state that they could snap their fingers and have everyone’s personal eggplant disappear was just ludicrous. Not even my mages could manage that on such a scale, and they were some of the most advanced mages around.
“Wait a second,” I called out to the dragon, who was sufficiently far away. “First off, what’s your name?”
She looked at me apprehensively. “Claire. Why?”
“Because I don’t want to keep thinking of you as ‘lead dragon,’” I answered. “I’m assuming you are the leader of these other two idiots.”
The other dragons frowned, but Claire grinned.
“Yes,” she answered. “This is Wilbur and this is Stan.”
“Great names for dragons,” I said with a chuckle. “Obviously your mother has quite the creative mind.”
“Thank you,” said Claire with a nod. “I’ll be sure to let her know that those were your final words.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Except that they won’t be my final words.”
“She won’t know that. Now, what is it you want?”
“Right.” I held up Boomy and looked at it. “Everyone here has just seen that I can blow off any cock in here quite easily.”
There were a bunch of interested looks at my comment. See? That wording just wasn’t going to work.
I groaned. “I’m talking about the removal of your peckers by firing my gun at them.”
Their interested looks fell away.
“Exactly.” Honestly, I felt almost like a saint compared to these horny fuckers. “Anyway, the point is that while I’ve demonstrated my capability, I think you’re bluffing.”
Claire tilted her head at me and I saw a moment of hesitation in her eyes. I’d just put her into the awkward position of having to prove herself, and I knew damn well she couldn’t.
Dragons were nothing but bullies. As long as people believed their hype, the fear would keep everyone in line, doing their bidding. But when someone stood up to them and knocked them on their asses, that hype turned to reality and people got pissed.
“What are you saying?” Claire asked in a cold voice.
“I’m saying that you’re full of shit,” I replied, which elicited a gasp from the satyrs. “If your magic is so great, why are you having to chase me? Why can’t you just cast a spell and lock me in place?”
All satyr heads turned toward Claire.
“It’s not how we do things,” she replied smoothly. “To do so would go against the balance of what we have promised our servants.”
I cackled at that as the satyrs turned back to me.
“You guys really are a piece of work,” I stated. “You’ve hooked these poor creatures so deeply into your lies that they react purely out of fear. You have no more ability to do magic than I do.”
“We most certainly can do magic,” argued Wilbur.
“So can I, but neither of us can cast spells to the degree you three are claiming.”
Stan pushed out his chest. “Can too.”
I looked around and saw a line of goat-dudes blocking the exit, which was only about one hundred feet away at this point. At my standard speed of running, I could hit that in seconds, but only if those satyrs were out of my way.
Time for Claire to put her money where her mouth was. If she could really do what she said, then those satyrs would be gone; if she couldn’t, the dragons were about to find out what being the focus of an orgy felt like.
“Okay, then,” I said, crossing my arms. “Prove it.”
The dragons glanced at each other.
“How?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” I replied, chewing my lip as if in thought. I then casually spun around and pointed at the only satyrs blocking my path. “Snap your fingers and make their dicks fall off.”
The satyrs didn’t like this idea. In fact, one of them slowly stepped away from the others, melding itself into the shadow that hung over the opposite wall.
“I don’t need to prove anything to you, human.”
“That’s what I thought,” I teased. “You can’t do it.” I then spun and threw my hands up in the air. “See, my newfound satyr friends? The dragons have nothing but bravado! They’ve been tricking you all of these years and you’ve fallen for it because they’re very good at bullying others. But it’s all…hot air.”
At that proclamation, Claire snapped her fingers.
I spun and saw the satyrs’ dongs drop off.
I wasn’t expecting that, but it did clear the way to the stairwell since those poor bastards all hit the ground, dead, an instant later.
“Now,” commanded Claire, “get him before I do that to the rest of you!”
They didn’t need to be told again.
I took off for the stairs while still wondering why the dragons didn’t just fire off some crazy spell at me. There had to be a reason for it, but I didn’t have a clue what it could be.
One thing was for sure, though, they weren’t going to fall for my bullshit on level three. That meant I had to make it through that one well ahead of them.
I nearly fell down the stairs as the sounds of panting satyrs filled the upper steps, stopping at the mid-point, disallowed to go any farther.
There was no time to rest, though. The dragons would be right behind me, once the boner-wielding goat-people cleared a path. Right now they were all smashed together and there was plenty of grunting going on. Seriously, I was feeling downright pious in comparison to those creatures.
I sighed.
Level three was dead ahead and it was the circle of gluttony.
That m
eant manticores.
Chapter 19
Ah, manticores. Don’t ya just love ‘em? The head of a human, the body of a lion, and a tail full of poisonous spines. They also had three rows of razor-sharp teeth that made sure no bones got left behind when they dined.
Favorite meal? Humanoids.
So while everyone on level two wanted to make me their personal blow-up doll, the beasties on this level would be more interested in having me for lunch.
Rather fitting for this level, I suppose.
I had no idea what filled them up down here, since it wasn’t like the place was teeming with humans. There had to be something else they were eating because I heard a growl, a cry, and a chomp. It was the same type of cry I’d heard when coming in from the outside, but far louder this close. How it resonated all the way up the levels was beyond me. I assumed there were some type of holes or a vent or something that managed to carry sound waves.
Seeing that these were creatures who hunted, I assumed that my scent was going to be picked up soon enough.
I glanced up and saw a winged version of the manticores. It was far larger than the rest, having a golden mane, rippling muscles, and deep red eyes.
It was flying directly at me.
Either it was just doing its rounds or it knew I was standing there.
There was nowhere to run, either. If I went back up the steps, the dragons would snag me, or the satyrs would use me like a pincushion. If I ran out into level three, I’d end up on a silver serving dish with an apple in my mouth. And if I just stood here, it’d be a dice roll to see which fate I faced first.
Now seemed like a good time to employ one of my special abilities. And I would have done just that, had the damn winged manticore not landed directly in front of me and started padding forward.
“Hi there,” I said with a petrified smile. “Nice weather we’re having, eh?”
“You’re a human.”
“Got it in one,” I replied, pointing at him and winking at the same time. “And you’re a manticore. Quite a specimen, too, if I may say so.”
Drool poured from his mouth as he ran a long tongue over his pointed teeth. “I haven’t tasted human bones in a very long time.”
“I’m sure the flavor hasn’t changed.” I gulped. “Tastes like chicken, right?”
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