Another Stupid Trilogy

by Bill Ricardi

  Max made me cast the spell again with him as the target, to confirm that everything was working properly. I sent him the message: ‘The reason I did this was to become a better person. Don’t think of it as a waste. I certainly don’t.’

  The response that I got was a very neutral: ‘I received the message.’

  Without a word to me, Master Max picked up his quill, dipped it in ink, and jotted down a short note on a torn scrap of parchment. He slipped it into an envelope and sealed it. The Master’s signet ring was pressed into the hardening wax. “Take this with you when you go to see the Headmaster. Let’s clean up the final details in your spellbook and be done with this foolishness.”

  Max did have some good points to add to my process. As with the other spells that he had examined in my spellbook, the margins of the pages were quickly being filled with small modifications and interesting details.

  As I was finishing my final notes, Max struck up a conversation, which was unusual for him. “It’s a shame that you don’t have the kind of time and resources required to make a better version of your spell. Something more efficient.”

  I gave him a look that must have conveyed what I was thinking: Why are you telling me this, old man?

  The ‘venerable’ old codger continued, “My next research project happens to be called Max’s Mental Magnification. Of course the scope of it is beyond your feeble grasp of magic… at least presently. But while you were sleeping, I took the liberty of learning the little party trick that you created. It’s cute.”

  I paused in my writing to stare at him. “You stole my spell?!”

  Max snorted. “Call it a trade. Because if you survive that long, and if you can afford the gold-based material component for Max’s Mental Magnification… well. Who better to test it on than a simpleton such as yourself?”

  I couldn’t find words. This sort of unexpected kindness, even if crouched in a massive backhanded insult, was the last thing I would have anticipated.

  “This is assuming by some miracle that you find yourself attending this fine establishment, instead of being propelled ass-first into the swamp that you came from. I expect the later, but who knows.”

  With that, Max rose and slowly made his way out of the classroom. He called over his shoulder, “Clean up after you’re done, and make sure you collect all of your belongings on the way out, including that letter. I’m locking up in half an hour, regardless”

  And with that, Max was gone.

  I kept my appointment with Hemitath, dutifully delivering the note from Max. After taking both a seat and a cookie at the Headmaster’s behest, I watched as the elven archmage opened the envelope. She chuckled at the contents. Seeing my curiosity, Hemitath handed over the very brief note.

  It read simply: ‘Send more like this.’

  The old elven mage noted, “That’s the nicest thing Max has said about a student in the past twenty years, believe it or not. Anyway. The results of your assessment will be sent in the next few weeks, courtesy of the spell that you just learned. We need to rate you against those vying for similar positions within the Arcane University. However, feedback so far has been quite positive.”

  I handed Max’s note back to the Headmaster. “Thank you for the opportunity, and for your kindness.”

  Hemitath waved it off as nothing with one pale hand. “Of course. Now, if you’re so inclined, I would like to invite you and your friends to a private dinner”

  I nodded, “Of course, Headmaster.”

  She explained, “The invitation is somewhat selfish if I’m being honest. I have some business that I would like to discuss. Would you be so kind as to round up your group, pack your things, and say goodbye to your roommate?”

  I stood quickly. “Right away.”

  “Thank you. I’ll see you in two hours.”

  Chapter 14

  I gathered my things from room 214, got another big bearhug from Leeson as a parting gift, and then went to join my companions at dinner. On my way through the reception hall, I stopped by the University bank. They confirmed that my account had been approved, and that Rick had already made a deposit in the amount of my remaining share. Access to the money, from any branch throughout all of Panos, was controlled by the same identity anklet that was used on the school grounds.

  The Headmaster’s private dining area was an elegant little room. Padded redwood chairs surrounded an oval table made of granite. There was a shuttered serving hatch that bridged the kitchen and the dining area, allowing food to be passed through quickly and efficiently. A cheese course was followed by a lovely vegetarian stew. The main dish was venison served with butter fried potatoes, which sounded too rich for my tastes. I was happy to be proven wrong, of course.

  The Headmaster seemed content to allow each of us to tell our best adventuring stories during diner. She was particularly interested in my tale about the Silverfish. It was a story that I didn’t often tell, as I felt it might upset my friends to hear about how I had gambled with my life. There was more than one thoughtful and concerned face by the time I was done, but at least it had a happy ending.

  Hemitath waited until the vanilla sponge cake had been served before getting down to business.

  “I want to thank you all for coming. As I get older and older, I find that my friends seem to get younger and younger. That’s a good thing. When I took this position at the Arcane University, I swore that I would not allow things to stagnate. It was this pledge that caused us to increase funding towards exploration, recovery, and bounties of all sorts. But I never expected to personally meet and come to care about dozens of our adventuring brethren. So before I make my pitch to your fine group, let us raise our wine glasses. To the spirit of adventure!”

  Did I mention the wine? It was good wine.

  After the toast, Hemitath said, “So. I am a representative of both magical education as well as the will of the collective elven lands. The north and the south don’t agree on much, but one thing the elves of both Civilia and Arbitros agree on is the concept of stability. Revolution by the people is one thing, but the overthrowing of a government by violence perpetrated from within is quite another matter. In short, we’re not fans of treachery. That’s the topic of tonight’s proposal.”

  The Headmaster gestured towards the wall, and an illusion flickered to life. A great walled city by the sea appeared. In the center, a palace flying blue banners. “This is Royal Moffit. You know it as the human capital of the southlands. King Wensley Rosen and Queen Ginger Rosen contacted me urgently about two weeks ago. They had caught a spy in their court talking about the downfall of Royal Moffit. They might have dismissed him as a madman if it were not for the man’s ridiculously well funded efforts, and his extensive use of magic to remain hidden.”

  I glanced around, not really knowing the regional politics involved. Everyone else was solemn faced. I followed suit.

  “As I believe that Toby had intended to lead his Order’s efforts at the upcoming anniversary celebrations in Royal Moffit, this assignment would put you in the right place at the right time. We would like you all to meet with the royal family as well as Duke Harrington, advisor to the Crown and controller of the Harrington fiefdom. Provide any assistance to the investigation that you can. I’m authorized to offer a guaranteed minimum payment of one thousand gold coins per week.”

  There was a murmured discussion amongst our group. I was perfectly willing to help with the research, and it seemed like all of us felt that this was too important and lucrative to pass up.

  When the crosstalk died down, the Headmaster noted, “Toby is our preferred public face for this mission. His connection to both the elves and to the Order of the Snow makes him a figure beyond reproach in matters such as this. And we trust him to report back to us while maintaining the appropriate amount of discretion.”

  The big bull rumbled, “I’m honored Headmaster, I’ll do my best.”

  The aged elven woman continued, “...however, in the background and in secret, i
t is our unanimous preference that Sorch sets the direction for this investigation.”

  All eyes turned towards me in surprise. If I weren’t sitting where I was, my eyes would have also turned towards me in surprise.

  I managed an eloquent, “What in the hells?”

  Hemitath quickly explained, “Sorch, your dreams directly coincide with increased portents of disaster from some of the most talented Divination experts and religious leaders in the elven lands. They all see something that threatens the world, a seed that is being planted as we speak. Or perhaps one that has already been planted. Your specific version of these portents might apply to your orc tribe, but there’s a broader theme. The one detail that our people have that you do not is the location where it all starts: Royal Moffit.“

  The Headmaster gestured towards the wall and the illusion flickered. Soon the image was zoomed in on the castle. “Specifically Moffit Palace. We need you there, with your eyes and ears open, and we need your friends surrounding you to provide guidance, protection, and support. I wish I could be more specific Sorch, but I cannot. I can only say that if you want to prevent the disaster that befalls the Jeywafa tribe within your dream, this might be your best opportunity.”

  I drained my wine glass. Then I nodded. “I’ll do it, if my friends are all in agreement.” There was nodding all around the table.

  The Headmaster seemed to hesitate, but then asked, “I am glad that you’re willing, however there is a matter I’ve been asked to clarify. Your answer might impact your suitability. I’m sorry to have to ask this Sorch, it is a rather private matter and I don’t want to tamper with how others experience divinity. But the High Priestess wanted me to find out… did you speak directly to Omi-Suteth?”

  Somewhat bashfully, as I had only shared the experience with Ames, I admitted, “Yes.”

  Will threw a spoon at me. He missed. “What the heck Sorch!” Toby and Rick were also staring at me in disbelief, though they had enough self control to avoid hurling silverware.

  Our elven hostess nodded slowly. “It’s okay. Would you explain the vision, or as much as you’re comfortable with?”

  I cleared my throat. “Well. We talked about… stuff and things. I apologised on behalf of my people and Kenvunk. Ummm. She called me Stonebreaker, and then Stonemender. Umm. We spoke about dropping the whole curse against my race. But she said first I had to mend what I had broken, and we would see.”

  Hemitath looked confused. “So it was more of a personal conversation? With a goddess?”

  I did my best to look humble. “I guess?”

  The old elven mage shook her head. “I’ll relay that back to the High Priestess of Omi-Suteth. Thank you. I don’t see how that would hamper your leadership of the mission, so that’s fine.”

  Once again addressing the entire group, Hemitath said, “I have a teleportation crew ready to send you to Royal Moffit tonight. If you have any affairs that need sorting, please write them down and I’ll transport runners to Limt and Ice House to have things taken care of in your absence. If the tasks involve an advance on your payment, that’s fine. Please enjoy your wine, I’ll go make arrangements with the innkeeper at the Drowsy Dragon, he’s a personal friend.”

  When the elf had departed, I got a grilling about keeping my vision from Toby and Will and Rick. But as I explained to them, I might have been going mad for all I knew at the time. I didn’t know for sure if it was real.

  “And Ames was so casual about it!” I said in my own defense.

  The were-cat shrugged, “I was pretty tired. Honestly, I was only half listening. I thought it was a ploy to get in my pants again.”

  Rick cradled his forehead in his hands. “And these are the people who are watching my back. Spectacular.”

  In the end, my explanation seemed to mollify my friends. Even Will, who had been hurt that I wouldn’t share such a thing with him after everything else we had talked about, granted me his forgiveness. They seemed to understand my hesitation, but urged me to share such revelations in the future.

  The servants cleared away our plates. They passed around parchment, ink, and quills so that we could write down any matters that we needed to have taken care of in our absence. I jotted down details on my landlord so that I would be paid up through the next couple of weeks. I also stipulated that 25% of my fee was to be sent to Shaman via my preferred courier. The rest could be deposited into my account.

  With that done, we gathered up our gear and headed down to the teleporter. At this time of night, there were very few people in the reception hall area. The Headmaster was waiting for us.

  Hemitath handed Toby a slip of parchment. “Give this to Ashley for me, it’s confirmation that your inn stay is covered for the next two weeks. Good luck.” To my surprise, Hemitath stood up on tiptoes and Toby crouched until the elf could kiss the minotaur on the cheek. Then we were ushered onto the metal transport circle. A few moments later, and we were elsewhere.

  It was as in if the gazebo from Ice House had been transplanted in a far warmer climate. The night was too dark to see a lot of details, but this was almost certainly the rear yard of the Temple of Omi-Suteth in Royal Moffit. A lone attendant quickly lead us to the back gate, warning us that a storm was brewing.

  Once outside, Rick asked, “Do we know where this inn is?”

  Toby said, “Yes, follow me. Quickly.”

  Our version of quick wasn’t quick enough. The sky opened up. Raindrops the size of blueberries pelted us as we ran for the Drowsy Dragon. Five hardened adventurers were soon sprinting down the cobblestone street, because instinct told us that getting wet was unacceptable. Ames started laughing breathlessly. It was infectious. Soon we were all losing our stride and our breath because none of us could keep up the brisk pace while howling with mirth at the absurdity of it all.

  We half jogged, half staggered into the main room of the Drowsy Dragon. As things were quiet, we did our best to mute our chortling so as not to disturb other customers. The front room was simple, but orderly. Seven ornately carved stools sat in front of the maplewood bar. The oval tables and large high-backed chairs that were placed throughout the taproom were made of a less expensive cedar, but they were still plenty sturdy.

  A tall, slender elf walked up to us. He was dressed all in brown, save for a dusty white apron. He murmured, “Our friends from the Arcane University I assume?”

  Toby unslung his pack and dug deeply, until he produced the message from the Headmaster. He shook the folded parchment open with his off hand. It was mostly dry. The minotaur then held out a dripping, golden brown furred hand for shaking. “Ashley I presume. I’m Toby, and these are my compatriots. Oh, here. I hope it stayed dry enough.”

  Ashley shook the paladin’s hand, then folded and pocketed the message without reading it. “I’m sure everything is in order. Only the small rooms are available, but we have three of them. And they’re dry, at least.”

  We thanked the slim elf, took the keys that were offered, and headed upstairs. The top floor of the inn was simple, but charming. A light pine varnish coated the walls and floor, allowing the staff to keep things meticulously clean. Toby got a room to himself, Ames and I shared, and Will and Rick took the last room. The feline and I got dry as soon as possible. Within minutes we were snuggled together under the blankets of our generously sized bed. The two of us fell asleep soon after.

  The morning arrived far too soon, but preparations needed to be made. As the mages, myself included, went through their memorizations, our two less arcane oriented members were hard at work. Toby arranged for a messenger to formally announce our imminent arrival to the royal court. Ames stealthily spied on the palace itself: Comings and goings, guard strength and equipment, best observation points, and the like.

  As I was casting my final morning intelligence enhancement, the big paladin returned. He waited until the incantation was done, and then spoke. “Alright, that should satisfy protocol. Let’s aim to arrive in about one hour. We can pick up Ames on the way
. We had breakfast already, you go ahead and grab something to eat. I’ll let the human lads know.” He ducked out to tell Rick and Will what was going on.

  Breakfast at the Drowsy Dragon was simple fare: Sausages, toasted bread, and apple juice. Still, it was a feast compared to what I was eating just a few months ago. I finished my meal, then went to the water pump and washed my hands and face. I had to look good for my first royal appearance.

  Royal Moffit was a huge city, easily five times the size of Limt. The architecture was a little more boring however. More uniform. Limt was more quaint and quirky. And this place certainly didn’t hold a candle to the crystalline and cavelike features in Ice House. Instead, almost everything was made of red brick or gray stone blocks. Nearly every building was two stories tall. The only structure that was dramatically different was the one we were heading towards.

  Moffit Palace was monumental. Not counting the courtyard, which had the footprint of several city blocks, the palace itself was best described as ‘towering’. The four corner towers, in fact, were each eleven floors high. They were functional rather than ornamental, meaning that each circular floor had a rather wide radius so that it could host a large kitchen, a series of bedrooms, an armory… just about any kind of room that one might imagine. The central palace had a broad footprint, and although it wasn’t as tall as the surrounding towers, it did have seven floors of functional space plus a basement and a dungeon.

  As we turned onto Royal Avenue, Ames slid out of an alley and smoothly fell into step with the rest of the group. The feline took up the rear guard position as we approached the front gatehouse. Toby walked up to the sergeant of the watch and shook his hand warmly. Whether the minotaur knew the large ebony skinned human, or whether it was a display of professional courtesy, I didn’t know. Sergeant Archie Lee then introduced himself to each of us. He made sure to let us know that if there were any day to day security questions, he would be happy to answer them. After pleasantries had been exchanged, we were escorted through the courtyard, down several stately halls, and into the throne room.