Another Stupid Trilogy

by Bill Ricardi

We check right side first. Nobody in kitchen, not much food left. Next, couple of bar-door rooms, nobody inside. If they were, me would let out… hate bar-door rooms. Corner room on this side is just dark place with boxes. Me bored, but rest excited. Leeson make me hand over Rock, he make it bright with magic.

  I ask, “What? What big deal?”

  Ames say, “Sorch, it’s a storage room. If your stuff is anywhere in this place, it’s probably here.”

  So we search, but find just one thing at first.

  Tara sound confused. “Paper?”

  Little human open another box. “More paper here. Scraps of all sort.”

  They read while me and kitty keep looking.

  Leeson say, “This is all stuff about shipments and troop movements down in Eastern Hook and Royal Moffit. Everything to the southwest.”

  Tara say, “I have spending reports for a dozen caravan companies from Ice House to Tater Town. Northern operations. You find anything Sorch?”

  Me couple box-rows over. Make tall tower from stacks of paper. “Stuff and things.”

  Ames stop around corner of shelf. Take off pack. “It’s a listening post. Koroth’s and the late Duke’s people are getting intel on all of the governments, probably planning to put spies in place. Or blackmail operations. Something. They might already have operatives in place for all we know. Bring the light over here please?”

  All come over. Kitty find locked chest, has tiny metal bits out. Stick bits in lock and fiddle around. After couple of minutes, lock go ‘click’.

  “What in the…”

  More paper, but all drawing. All of same thing. Ames confused. For once, me not.

  “Voodoo Engine. Someone make load of Voodoo Engine pictures.”

  Leeson have look. He read some notes and say, “The level of mechanical and magical detail here is intense. It would take me weeks to go through all of this information.”

  Below Voodoo Engine stuff, stuff about local orc tribes: Who in charge, how many basher, tribe grow or shrink. Below that, same stuff for elves ‘round here. But real treasure below that.

  “Look dis! Boot got shot with bolt. Gots hole. Still good, just gotta fix. Okay, get other boot, then we go.”

  Ames say, “Ummm Sorch. All of your stuff is here.”

  Me peer down. Yup, magic book, note book, pouch for magic bits. Everything. Even other boot.

  “Oh yeah. Help me pack dat up.”

  Once everything in pack, Ames put away lock stuff. Kitty say, “Everything else looks like loose paper. If this is the only stuff they’re really protecting, they seem rather fixated on a particular subject.”

  Everyone looking at me now. “What?” I ask.

  Before friends answer, hear big boom. All get behind paper boxes. Then hear fighting.

  Ames say, “That had to be the front door. Who is battling who out there? Have they gone mad and started fighting with each other?”

  We waits for fight to stop. Then bright light come our way. Hear strange voices, don’t understand. Sound like gibberish to me.

  Tara shout out word in same weird way. Then she yell, “This is Tara McGoldberg, priestess of Melflavin, seeker of the Axe of McGrondle, and friend of the three companions with me here today! We seek peaceful sanctuary.”

  One by one, elf walk in room. Some bows, some swords, some fancy wood sticks that glow. They look at all of us, but look real long time at me. They throw prisoner in corner… our poor guy in net. Once they check out room, say something funny in weird words.

  Pretty blond elf walk in. He wear thin metal plate that seem to bend when he move. Have silver sword on belt. Skin look pale, soft. Eyes bright gold.

  Cute elf say, “I am Jarotath, representative of the southern elf nations, sitting Council member in Arbitros, and leader of this war band. Your antics have ruined an extended surveillance and investigation of cult activity in this area. Nevertheless, we accept your request for sanctuary, blessed lady McGoldberg. For you and your… friends.”

  He look right at me when say that last bit. Pretty sure.

  “You are now ‘guests’ of the Arbitros militia.”

  Chapter 5

  Trip up to elf-home not small. Dis where if boat still wait for us, dey give up and go fish. Neat elf magic and lotsa nature trick like Shaman would do make it more fast. Never tree or vine in way. Can summon paddley-boats for streams. Feet never tired, food always good. If gotta be prisoner, be elf prisoner.

  Couple days go by before changes. Tree not just tree, got home in ‘em. Bridges like webs connect homes, make whole village. Path not just leaf now, got flat stone. Start as big slab, then steps and stuff. Then many tiny pebble make beautiful picture as we walk. Sometimes huge wood building on ground. Sometimes tree all grown together and make wall of bark and root. Trees not just around city, trees are city.

  Elf no stop us from talk, so we talk a lot on the way. Elf listen though. Sometimes elf lord guy sit right with us, not even pretend not to listen. But he no say much, just say when move, when sleep.

  Tara tell one story at dinner. Campfire warm. All elfs listen, get real quiet. Just her voice in trees and crackle of fire.

  “Once upon an age, humans and elves battled over the fate of Panos. It was called the First Great War, and it lasted for over a decade. Men and elves fought over the chopping down of trees, over the rapid expansion of men into neutral territory, over elves hoarding their knowledge of magic away from the other races. With the war, the Great Rains came, because Melflavin the Tinker wept. He was a half elf, the god of innovation worshipped by elf and human and minotaur alike. Melflavin was the one link left between the two races, their last common love. It is said that his rain of tears, as much as any other factor, ended the war.”

  Tara turn to me and smile. “You see Sorch, your people were neutral in the first Great War. The Great Rains took away fields that the humans could farm, and it took away forests that the elves could live in. But the longer elves and humans fought, the more Melflavin’s tears expanded your swamplands. To this day, one can find the rare orc paying respects at a service of the Tinker, thanking him for expanding their homeland.”

  Me nod quick, not blink. Had to hear rest of tale.

  Cowgirl go back to big story, “When armistice was declared, Melflavin stopped crying. The humans agreed to plant more of their own forests, and to respect elven territory. The elves agreed to share more of their magical secrets so that there was less need for humans to use so many resources. But when the northern elves went right back to their full reliance on magic, the southern elves balked. They said that reliance on magic alone was the very problem that caused and extended the war. Civilia, the seat of all elven government at the time, told the southerners that they could do things their own way. So they did.”

  “Arbitros became the great elven city of the south, and the seat of their own government. Though still friendly with their kin north of the mountains, the southern elves embraced the magics of nature and chaos. They allowed their structures of stone to become overgrown, their temples of granite to be retaken by the moss and trees and hills. The great dynasties and ancient bloodlines held so precious by the northern elves were eschewed by the tribe-families of the south. They chose a more democratic route. Elections were held, and the new southern elven Council was formed. Seats on this new council would shift every few years, so that no one person remained in power for too long. The standing army was dismissed, and the service militia established. The people of Arbitros would be different from their northern brothers, though their love for all elvenkind would not fade. They would stand apart, but they would stand for something.”

  She take sip of apple juice, then go again. “Melflavin blessed the southern elves with the finest understanding of natural architecture on Panos. Over hundreds of years they would plant and grow mighty trees that fused together or intertwined. They would build massive cities in the boughs of these branches. They would defend their territory with natural weapons of war ranging from powerful wo
oden siege engines, to cunning pits and nooses hidden in the leaves of the forest floor. Rather than being the shining jewel that was Civilia, Arbitros became the living heart of amber at the core of wild elven society.”

  All quiet when Tara finish. Then Jarotath lean in, kiss cowgirl on cheek. He say, “Goodnight sister.” Then elf all wander to bed, leave us alone in our little camp.

  When they all gone, cowgirl smile and say, “They probably liked that I skipped the part about Melflavin going bald during the first war. It’s said he kept tearing his hair out, due to his frustration with the elves.” We laugh at that.

  Finish trip into big elf city in morning. Lotsa building on ground, but many, many more up high. Center tree biggest of all. Climb up circle bridge-path on giant tree take forever. Whenever ask if there yet, someone shush me. Small human not complain though. Don’t think eyes blink once whole way up. He ask all the question, and me surprised that elf answer. Leeson happiest prisoner ever. Ames just look annoyed, but not loud-annoyed like me; much more quiet.

  Path end, open on huge wood place, carved flat. Tree-bench all along edge, and many tree-throne at far end near big open circle. Guard at top of big tree path say something in funny tongue. Guard on other side then say, “The Council of Arbitros wishes to welcome back one of their own, and bids Councillor Jarotath to sit at this special gathering. His guests are strongly urged to attend that they may be heard.”

  Me say, “Finally!” Then trod towards big open place. Others look each other, then hurry to catch up.

  All sorts of elf climb up into nine wood thrones. Most wear pretty rainbow robe. But some look like they come right from job. Just wear whatever dey have. Jarotath sit on last empty throne. Me, Ames, Tara, Leeson stand in middle where all can see. We special guests!

  One older elf in pretty robe say, “I call the Council to order. Guests of Arbitros, my name is Tuppruth and I am the Speaker of the Council. This affords me no special rights or voting privileges, I am simply a voice that directs proceedings. The nine of us have come together at Councillor Jarotath’s urging to hear your explanation as to why you were found in one of our ancient strongholds. Although we eschew the concept of land ownership, we must take steps to defend our people against hostile invasion.”

  Me say, “Yeah, sure.” Me get it.

  There was big pause. Could tell by looks, others not sure me best one to speak. They wrong, me good politic guy.

  “...indeed. Then if I might ask, young orc, why were you assaulting a stronghold built by the elves, occupied by a hostile cult that we had under surveillance for almost half of a year? Your actions forced our hand, and we were unable to determine where the leaders of this cult reside.”

  Me think. “Well. They gots stuff. Me want stuff back. Maybe shoulda asked ‘em first. But they pretty mean.”

  Tara step forward, real quick. “Can I elaborate on that?”

  Speaker guy quick to say, “Please do.” He hold elf-head in hand, like got head pains. Start ask Leeson to make him some of dat grass-tea, but he hush me.

  Cowgirl say, “This is Sorch Stonebender and this is Ames. They are the champions of Royal Moffit. They were primarily responsible for the foiling of this cult’s plot to destroy the royal family of the southern human lands. So one might see this as a… follow up. Further action against those who imprisoned Sorch and banished our friends. I, Tara McGoldberg, and my human companion Lord Leeson Renault, have been aiding them in their quest to restore Sorch and to seek a way to save our friends from the plane of Pandemonium.”

  Me nod. “Yeah, like me said.”

  Cute elf that capture us speak up, “Just a clarification, revered cleric of Melflavin. This cult is possibly not the same as the one that took Sorch Stonebender captive. Not exactly. Changes have been afoot.”

  Tara nod, slow. “We saw the warping of their unholy symbol, but had no information to work with. Thank you for the clarification, Councillor Jarotath.”

  The Speaker say, “Though we respect the words of our minotaur sister, we must personally discover the identities of those who would claim to be the heroes of Royal Moffit. It has been determined that our sister is under the effects of a Geas, which might be influencing her actions and statements.”

  Tara frown. She no think of dat.

  Ames step up. “If it please the Council. I’m acting as an adventurer under the guidance of the Arcane University, and specifically Hemitath, one of your own. Surely you can just contact her and confirm this.”

  Jarotath say, “My older sister has been indisposed and incommunicado for a number of days now. We’re worried as to where she is spending so much time, but respect her privacy. I’m afraid that kind of verification won’t be possible.”

  Word ‘sister’ get in head. He Hemitath’s brother? No wonder so cute.

  Cute elf keep going, “Having heard the tales of Sorch from her, however, I find it hard to believe that… this example of the race is the most talented tribal mage she’s ever met.”

  Leeson whisper to Ames. Kitty say, “We can provide his spellbook as proof.”

  Elf on throne in blacksmith leathers say, “All that would prove is that you’ve pilfered Sorch’s belongings, which we know was the case.”

  Me rub chin. “Dis tough one. But pretty sure me Sorch. Really, no lizard crap. Take word for it?”

  Throne elfs start talk in gibberish. Must not be good. Tara start look sick.

  Boy brave enough to speak up, “Interrogate the prisoner we took, perhaps?”

  Jarotath say, “The prisoner has gone quite mad. I doubt we’ll get anything useful.”

  More gibberish talk, lotsa pointing at me. At least think so. Look behind just in case… yup, pointing at me.

  Weird talk stop by someone bang stick on railing. Whole place go quiet, look at banger.

  Speaker say, “Ah, you have something to say, High Priestess?”

  Pretty elf in dark purple say, “This is Sorch who was the Stonebender, who shall be the Stonebreaker, and who may yet be the Stonemender. He is beloved of Omi-Suteth, who wishes to forsake the title of ‘Glogur's Bane’ if his agency grants her the ability to do so. Omi-Suteth hereby vouches for the identity of Sorch the orc, and all those who deny his identity will be considered anathema.”

  Then she sit.

  Me smile. Good old Omi-Suteth.

  Speaker look around. Most of throne-elf nod now. Then say, “We have heard the High Priestess and believe her words. Our apologies, Sorch Stonebender, for the delay. You indeed have the right to reclaim your belongings from interlopers, though in the future we urge you to coordinate with our people for a far more effective, and dare I say comfortable, experience. We must ask though, how did you get in such a state? We were led to believe that your eloquence and magical ability were quite evident.”

  Ames and Tara take turn explaining, not let me get in word. Curse, get over curse, prison, back to curse. It my story, know it already, so get bored quick. Me share berries with small human, not really pay attention.

  “Is this all true, Sorch Stonebender?”

  Me look up, swallow berries. “Uhhhh, yup, sound right to me.”

  One smiling elf in rainbow robe call down, “Young human, do you have anything to add?”

  Leeson look like he about to burst. He say, fast, “No sirs and madams. I’m just happy to be here!”

  There was much chuckle from throne elfs. Speaker say to elf who just ask question, “Magus Calebith, you should take our young friend to see the ironwood staves. As an Arcane University student, he might be interested in picking one out for his apprentice enchanting class.”

  “I shall do so Speaker Tuppruth, it seems a fitting memento of his first visit to our homeland.”

  Leeson look like about to explode with happy.

  Councillor Calebith said, “Come see me when all of this is resolved, young man. Now, it sounds like you’ll want to have a portal opened. Let us discuss particulars so that the timing is correct. We don’t want to hold such a gatew
ay open for longer than required, and the preparations are extensive.”

  Was lots more of throne-elf yammering in silly words. Cowgirl join in, seem happy now. Dey switch back to Common. Ames talk about me, and rest, and open portal. Leeson even make point or two. Dere was votes, dunno ‘bout what.

  After more stuff and things, Speaker say, “Then it is decided. Any offense and disruption in our investigation of the cult was entirely incidental and accidental. Our esteemed guests will rest and recover, as our magi prepare for the opening of a Pandemonium Portal. In two days our guests shall venture through the portal in search of the other heroes of Royal Moffit. Any Council member, clergy member, or citizen who has business with our guests, simply speak to Councillor Jarotath. He will be coordinating the details of their stay and availability. We thank everyone for their patience and honesty.”

  And dat was dat.

  Elf take us to guest place, inside big tree. Fresh water, fresh fruit, fresh smell. Tara and Leeson get own place, just me and Ames here. Bed of woven vine, cover with light fluffy sheet, pillow look like round ball of wool. Felt like sleep on cloud though. Sleep for much of day, before poked awake.

  “Sorch. It’s time.”

  Boy’s voice. Throw pillow at it. Probably miss.

  “Come on Sorch, if we’re going to do this you have to be ready.”

  Open eyes. Tara and Ames in back, Leeson right in face. Got little table by bed. Everything dere. Amulet, old notes, scroll, magic book, copper, silver.

  Me sit on end of swingy bed. “What if I no do? What if no wanna do?”

  All quiet for a while. Kitty say, “You can’t come with us to rescue them without your magic, Sorch. So you would be staying here.”

  Me scowl, “You no go without me!” Say right to Ames. But not want anyone to go without me, really. Want protect all friends, save other friends.

  Cat smirk. “Then you better do this, and do it right, love.”

  Me stare at all dis stuff. “What if can’t though? What happen to me?”

  Now kitty voice soothing, “We go on. You’ve sacrificed everything for your friends, Sorch. We won’t abandon you when you need us.”