Another Stupid Trilogy

by Bill Ricardi

  The brown furred wolf threw his paws up in the air. “Of course it was her.”

  I asked, “You object?”

  The were-wolf growled, “To my daughter hitting on and trying to bed a nobleman’s son? No, what could possibly go wrong there?”

  I commented, “It could be worse. They’re different species so it’s relatively safe. It’s not like he can… what I mean to say is she won’t be fertile to his-”

  Professor Gideon quickly cut me off, “I know how the mechanics work, thank you mister Stonebender!”

  I said, “Still, if you want me to back him off, he might listen to me.”

  The answer was immediate, “No. No Sorch. If you ever have a daughter of your own, you’ll understand. I’ll talk to her and just tell her to be careful. Humans are fragile after all.”

  I nodded, slowly. “Anything else sir?”

  “No, thank you Sorch. I’ll let you out.”

  When the Professor had unlocked the door and let us both back out into the hallway, I asked a question that had been bothering me. “Professor Gideon, as long as I have you here, why is it when a text refers to wererats and werebears there’s no hyphen, but when it refers to were-cats and were-wolves, there is?”

  He answered me in a near monotone, indicating that it was a practiced reply to a common student question. “Mages needed some kind of designation to differentiate between were creatures that could still shapeshift and ones that lost that ability over time. You’ll notice in the old texts, were-wolves and were-cats will not have the hyphen. In newer texts they do. Most of the time at least, every once in a while a scribe will slip up.”

  That made perfect sense to me. “Thank you sir. Good night.”

  I made my way back to the South Wing as quickly as possible, wanting to reach room 214 before I was ambushed by yet another instructor. I was ambushed after a fashion, but it wasn’t by an instructor.

  The large minotaur that lifted me up in the air and spun me around was certainly a surprise. Not an unwelcome one, given how glad I was to see my friend, but a surprise nonetheless.

  “Toby! You’re supposed to be in Ice House. You know, resting. Recovering. What in the hells are you doing here?”

  The bovine laughed. He still looked fairly awful, but you wouldn’t know it by the bright smile adorning his face. “I bring a housewarming gift, and a measure of my personal gratitude.” the minotaur set me down, and then unslung his backpack. “Just a moment… ah, there. Here we are.”

  Toby produced a lever-sealed glass jar filled with a clear liquid, as well as three white roses.

  I was taken aback, but I had to joke, “Toby… is this a date?”

  The bull man laughed and shook his head. “Roses and alcohol are involved, but I’m afraid you aren’t my type, Sorch. The flowers represent the three souls you saved. Everyone who participated in our rescue gets those.” I followed his gaze to the other side of the room. Leeson’s desk was adorned with three more white roses.

  Toby continued, “The ouzo is a celebration of your own ordeal and survival. Welcome back, little brother.”

  I smiled and said, “Welcome back, big brother. Sit on the bed. Anything else would probably break.”

  Once I gently laid the roses upon my notebook, I pried open the seal of the jar. The scent of that fine alcohol left me breathless. “Holy lizard crap, Toby. This must have cost you-”

  He cut me off, “We do not discuss such material things.”

  I shook my head a little bit. After securing two small glasses from one of my desk drawers and blowing out any lingering dust, I poured two shots of ouzo. I carefully resealed the jar before asking, “What would you like to drink to?”

  My friend reached out to take his glass. He said, simply, “Living.”

  I could drink to that.

  The anise flavor washed over my tongue and through my nostrils, right when that lovely burn rolled down my throat and into my belly. I inhaled sharply, letting the fumes fill my lungs, allowing the spirit to overtake me completely.

  It took me a few moments to recover. Even then, all I could say was, “Wow.”

  Toby allowed his eyes to close to mere slits. “Wow indeed.”

  I had to take a seat on my writing desk’s matching chair. Only when my rump was firmly planted did I dare to take another pull of the powerful concoction.

  I murmured, “I’m surprised that you’re allowed to drink this.”

  My big friend snorted, “I follow the tenets of Aro-Remset. The Order of the Snow does not dictate my every action. Despite what they may wish to believe.”

  I was surprised. I had never heard Toby speak ill about his order.

  I said, “I bet they were shocked to hear of your return. Was there any trouble?”

  He swirled the remainder of his ouzo for a moment, and then drained the glass. “They do not always approve of the company that I keep.”

  I frowned, puzzled. “Well they approved of your rehabilitation of Ames. I mean… oh.” The copper dropped.

  Toby was quick to defend me, “It’s none of their business. I’ve told them that you are a dedicated and trustworthy friend. That is all that should concern them.”

  After nodding, I drained my own glass. “They probably don’t get many orcish paladins applying for entry into the Order of the Snow.” I mused.

  My friend was quiet for a moment. Then he rumbled, “After the incident with Salt, I asked the Order to help me find the best way to get your tithe back to Shaman. They said that they would not help a non-theist, and that I should ‘strongly consider’ cutting ties.”

  I set down my glass, and then reached out to take Toby’s. “I’m sorry if I was any trouble, my friend.”

  Toby snorted. “I told them that they could go to the nine hells. I don’t care that you choose not to worship a god, Sorch. Your commitment to helping others is unquestionable and beyond reproach. And I told the Order of the Snow that if they didn’t trust my judgement, they could have my resignation.”

  My eyes widened. “Toby… what did they say?”

  He chuckled a little. “Nothing. They prod me once in a while, but they do not actually put me in a position to do anything about it. Good thing too.”

  I swallowed, on the verge of tears. “You’re a good friend, Toby.”

  The bull flashed one of his winning smiles at me. “Damn right.” Then his muzzle took on a more somber demeanor. “Sorch, I know if anything happened to me, you would be the one they all leaned on. You would be the rock. You might not understand how profoundly relieved I am to know this. To know you would take care of them.”

  It was my turn to smile. “I do understand. I feel the same way about you.”

  My big friend peered at me for a moment. He stood, and my bed groaned with relief. “You’re exhausted. I’ll leave you to your bed. Thank you for being such a gracious host.”

  Despite my feeble protests, Toby could tell that he read the situation correctly. The day’s events combined with the quality spirits had me on my last legs. One bearhug later, and the minotaur was gone.

  I climbed into bed. It was still comfortably warm from the paladin’s presence. I felt every muscle in my body relaxing. A dreamless sleep quickly followed.

  Chapter 8

  Constructed with a combination of elven magic and the power of the Arcane Syphons, student rooms at the Arcane University were nearly soundproof. The walls were thick. The doors were fitted perfectly. The dining halls and the baths were built at a distance to keep noise in the dormitories to a minimum.

  Of course none of this helps if the noise that is keeping you awake comes from inside of the room itself.

  “Oh yes Leeson! Oh gods, just like that!”

  It had been two weeks since the Soft Fall ceremony. My transition into the academic lifestyle had gone more smoothly than I might have imagined. Along with a host of classes on basic theory, which I quite enjoyed, I was in two practical classes.

  The first was Graduating Apprentices. It w
as a formality for all senior students. I was learning the Identify spell in that class, as well as learning about practical, everyday applications of professional wizardry.

  Based on my performance in the adventuring arena, I was allowed to attend one advanced class even before passing Graduating Apprentices. Professor Sevritz, a talented lizardman conjurer, invited me to participate in his Foundations of Summoning Elementals class. I gladly accepted, and chose to start with the Minor Earth Elemental incantation.

  Everything was great, except for one thing…

  “Use your thumb Leeson. Yes, right there!”

  Jess still lived with her father. This meant that her budding relationship with Leeson had to take place elsewhere. Given the relative lack of privacy outside of the bedrooms, there was only once place for them to go.

  I was learning a few things, whether I wanted to or not. First of all, were-wolf girls are loud when they make love. There’s growling, there’s screaming, there’s panting. And that’s before one factors in just how well Jess asks for what she wants.

  “Twist it a little bit. Rrrrrmmmm!”

  The second thing that I learned was that Leeson’s shyness went right out the window when his girlfriend started to tease him. They had the decency to hang a thick blanket from hooks in the ceiling, but other than that nod to privacy, my presence in the room had little bearing on their lovemaking schedule. This was partially my fault, as Leeson had asked if it would be okay for them to have sex when I was asleep, and I had said that he should be free to express himself sexually with Jess whenever they felt it was appropriate.

  I had no idea that the two of them would ‘express themselves’ so frequently. Or so loudly.

  Sometimes I could bury my head in a pillow and get a decent night’s sleep. But often times I was severely under-rested. My midday sleep periods were getting longer, to the point where I arrived late for a couple of classes and my professors had noticed how bedraggled I was looking. I’d often skip lunch just to get a little extra rest. It was a self destructive cycle.

  A couple of days ago I took Leeson aside and explained that I needed to get more sleep. He promised that they would be more quiet and apologised profusely. Of course, Jess’ version of being more quiet was:

  “Bite my shoulder, love. No, harder! Ohhhh, right there, yes.”

  I got up out of bed and threw on some clothes. The bouncing lovers didn’t even take notice. Grabbing my backpack, I decided to head to one of the student libraries. The Apprentice Library was open day and night, and reasonable noise levels were enforced. Students weren’t supposed to fall asleep there but perhaps there was a dark corner of the stacks where I could rest and still remain unnoticed by the staff.

  This particular student library was in the East Wing of the University. It was essentially unrestricted. If you were a student, faculty, or staff of any kind, you could access the stacks. Built on the ground floor, the Apprentice Library took full advantage of how deeply the Arcane Syphons were able to delve. It was octagonal in shape, with each facing representing its own category of books. At the junction of each facing was a ramp that increased your depth by one pace. So the library spiraled downwards three full times, the 24th facing ending deep in the second sub-basement.

  No fire of any kind was allowed near the books, of course. So the entire place was illuminated by Light cantrips cast on crystals hung from hooks in the ceiling. During the evening hours, only the top octagon was lit by the staff. Anyone delving further was given a flat stone that they could cast their own Light spell upon.

  Of course I hadn’t learned that particular cantrip yet. Which was fine, because I wasn’t after Light. I was after darkness, peace, and quiet.

  I wasn’t in luck however. Even at this ungodly hour, there were a number of people roaming the stacks that could easily stumble across a snoozing orc. I was forced to retreat further into the recesses of the library in my quest for peace. To avoid making people walk further than they had to, the library was arranged so that books on the most popular topics were shelved close to the entrance. As one proceeded inward and downward, the categories of books became more obscure, bordering on the bizarre.

  Finally, within the seventh facing of the last octagon, I found an area of relative darkness: The section involving the horticulture of molds. I laid down on the worn carpet, used my backpack as a pillow, and closed my eyes.

  “Hey.”

  I couldn’t help but groan aloud at the sound of another voice nearby. I opened my eyes again and sat up to regard the person who had caught me. It was a ginger lass in purple robes, probably just shy of 20 years old. There was something about her facial features though. My sleep deprived mind eventually categorized the girl as a half elf. She was, kindly, shielding the Light stone that she carried. The shadows created by her offhand prevented the light from shining right in my face.

  “Trying to get away from someone?”

  I grunted and gave her a nod.

  The young half elf gave me a ghost of a smile. “That’s cool. Well, we’re down here if you need anything. Goodnight.”

  The polite orc in me automatically answered, “Goodnight.”

  And then she was gone.

  I closed my eyes again. But no sleep came. I had found a damned mystery at one in the morning at the bottom of the student library. What did the girl mean by ‘we’? What could I need that ‘they’ had? Why were ‘they’ down here in the first place?

  I stood up with a slight groan. Grabbing my backpack, I trekked down to the final section of the library.

  What I saw could only be described as an unsanctioned flop house. Thick bedding was being distributed by an Invisible Servant. More invisible hands were clearing books from the wide bottom shelf of one of the solid oak bookcases. The volumes floated through the air and were piled neatly on a nearby table. Under that table, a lizardman student and a human (who I believed worked in the cafeteria) were already wrapped up and sound asleep. A second table was littered with pitchers of water and small plates of cornbread. At the far end of the second table, a young wererat girl in white robes was curled up in a big oak chair. Deeper in the stacks were areas of unnatural darkness where, I assumed, more people slept.

  The half elf girl had placed her Light stone in an open clay pot, dimming its output significantly. Upon seeing me, she directed her Invisible Servants to clear off another set of sturdy oak shelves. Closer to the supply closet, a halfling was distributing quilts, pillows, and blankets with his own Servants. Each of the empty shelves were made up into comfortable looking sleeping nests in no time flat.

  I murmured, “Thank you. I’m Sor-”

  The half elf cut me off. “No real names here. Plausible deniability and all that. Call me Parsnip.”

  I thought for a moment, “Granite.”

  Parsnip pointed a delicate digit at the halfling. “That’s Titan. Get some sleep, we’ll talk more in the morning. Everyone wakes up at half past seven so we have time to put things back and get where we’re going.”

  Not questioning my good fortune, I crawled into the quilt-lined shelf space. I had a fluffy pillow for my head and a backpack to elevate my feet. The blanket was over-long; I could have easily pulled it right over my head with a few inches to spare. Suitable for minotaur students, I imagined. I settled in for six hours of uninterrupted sleep.

  I was awoken by a gentle pat on the shoulder. By the time my eyes had focused, whoever had roused me was gone. I slid out from underneath the bottom shelf of the bookcase, stood, and looked around. Everyone was quickly and quietly folding blankets, replacing books, and tidying up. I swiftly shouldered my backpack so that I could clear my own area. I handed my bedding to Titan, and then replaced the piles of books that came from my shelf.

  Prior to leaving, just about everyone paused in front of the second table for a quick breakfast of cornbread and water. It wasn’t fancy, but the cornbread was well sweetened and energy-dense. As I was brushing crumbs from my palms, Parsnip laid a hand on my shoulder
. “Walk me out.”

  We spiraled up through the stacks. As we progressed from the esoteric sections to the relevant, Parsnip asked, “So why were you banished from your room, Granite?”

  I laughed a little bit. “My roommate is dating a boisterous were-wolf. You?”

  Parsnip was quiet for a couple of moments, then she said, “I should really expect that question to come back to me. I ask why someone is here, of course they’re going to ask why I’m here. It’s polite.”

  I glanced around and then leaned down to murmur, “I’m sorry, you don’t have to answer that.”

  The half elf waved off my apology. As we passed the library’s halfway point, she explained. “It’s okay. My roommate and a friend of his are under investigation for inappropriate behaviour. I didn’t feel safe there, but they’re being presumed innocent until proof manifests. It’s a mess.”

  I asked, “How hard is it to request a new roommate?”

  Parsnip said, “Hard. Unless you enroll with a roommate in mind, the system automatically pairs you with a student that it feels you can learn from, maximising diversity. The process is blind to gender and creed. Most people attending the Arcane University are enlightened enough to handle that, but every once in a while things don’t work out.”

  I didn’t pry further. “I understand. So does this happen every night?”

  “The sleeping thing? Yes. I crashed down below a few times last year as well, unrelated reasons. There are regulars like Titan and Celestial… he was already asleep in the back when you arrived. Some others only come once or twice a week. But anyone who’s quiet and cleans up after themselves is welcome.”

  I smiled. “It’s nice that people have somewhere to go, even if it’s not officially sanctioned by the University.”

  We made our way out of the Apprentice Library. Parsnip laid a delicate hand on my arm. “It isn’t just a sleepover thing. If you can head down quite a bit earlier, say an hour before midnight, you would be welcome to see the other stuff that goes on.”

  I nodded slowly. “I’ll try. Well, I need to go clean up. Then there’s an intellectual enhancement thing that I need to do every morning.”