Another Stupid Trilogy

by Bill Ricardi

  Then again, they might not know that Assistant Donnelly was the only living human psychic on Panos.

  Bill Donnelly never let on to his early magical mentors that he was special in any way. His parents were quoted as saying that they had no idea about their son’s psychic ability, though looking back there were signs. Cats and dogs were particularly obedient around him. He also had the uncanny ability to stop a crying baby with a touch and a few murmured words. But it wasn’t until an ESP tutorial in his second year at the Arcane University that an instructor discovered his gift. He immediately became the concern of the Headmaster and the most senior teachers, despite his weak protests. Eventually, Assistant Donnelly became comfortable with his powers, though he chose a life of bookish isolation rather than putting them to any sort of public use.

  I walked down the spiral stairs that led down to Arcane Records from the Magical Crafting annex. Politely, I brought my own Light stone. Even more politely, I brought two logs of wood, which was apparently tradition when visiting Arcane Records. Having been told that he was a little skittish, I called out before I reached the bottom step, “Hello, Assistant Donnelly? It’s Sorch Stonebender, can I trouble you sir?”

  “Come in Mister Stonebender, I’ve been expecting you.”

  I walked into the little foyer. It was tastefully decorated. The stone walls had been painted a dull yellow hue, while the floor was mostly covered in a thick gray carpet. A modestly sized oak desk was on the near wall, while a fireplace crackled merrily on the opposite side of the room. The carpet ended a full pace away from the fire so as to prevent any accidents. In the farthest corner, also bare of course, was a small pile of wood. I walked over and added my own sacrifice.

  The human smiled gently. “Oh thank you, how thoughtful. I only get a few visitors, but I can’t count how many trips you nice students have saved me over the years.”

  I chuckled and said, “Not a problem at all sir. You were expecting me? Is that part of your gift?”

  Assistant Donnelly blinked at me, owlishly. “Oh! No, your teacher um, sent a note?” He held up the scrap of parchment, anticlimactically. “Please have a seat.”

  I did. “Thank you. I was wondering, would you be uncomfortable talking about your special talent?”

  The man shook his head. “No, no. I mean, not any more uncomfortable than I am talking about anything else.” There was an awkward silence. He wasn’t joking.

  I cleared my throat. “I see. I understand the mind to mind communication aspects of it. And I know that you can see the auras of magical items and mystical creatures. However could you tell me a little bit about Astral travel? None of our materials seem to cover it.”

  Assistant Donnelly said, “Oh. It’s a little hard to explain unless you have some experience. But I guess… imagine that there is a second world laid on top of this one. Wait no, not on top. Underneath. Within.”

  I nodded slowly.

  The human continued, “So, err. I guess, then you can pretend that only beings and items that have some arcane ability or power can be seen there. In this new place that is. So mages, bards, sorcerers of all sorts. Magical items, artifacts, and the like. And anything with ‘magical potential’, which would include things like material components, certain rare natural woods and plants. Do you follow?”

  I tilted my head to one side. “They are the only things that can be seen, or they’re the only things that exist?”

  Assistant Donnelly considered. “Good point. For our purposes, they’re the only things that exist in the Astral Plane. The ‘terrain’, if you can call it that, is wrapped around Panos’ ley lines so there’s some similarities to the surface of our planet. But equally there are differences the farther away you are from the ley lines. There’s no air as such, no water. But that’s okay, because you don’t have to breathe actual air, you breathe… Astral stuff I suppose. You don’t hunger or thirst there, but you do tire from the mental strain of it all. It’s a single medium.”

  I said, “I understand. But why? What’s the purpose of it?”

  Assistant Donnelly said, “Mystical interaction. The Astral Plane is the weave around the physical world that allows magic to work. Beings or powers in Astral form can interact magically. They can battle, or exchange information. They can travel, explore at the magical level. But they need to return to their point of origin before rejoining the physical realm. There are threads that you can’t see. Some say they connect your soul to the physical world but that’s… a bit silly. No, they just mark your Astral point of origin.”

  “But only magical forces have an impact in the Astral realm? You can’t bring anything else with you?”

  The man shook his head. “Not from this dimension. But you can pull or channel things from other planes. Summoned entities. Fireballs, lightning bolts. Positive or negative energy. Stuff from certain pocket dimensions. Pandemonium, the Steel Citadel, and the like. It takes some trial and error.”

  I smiled a little bit. “Alright. Thank you so much, your knowledge is really helpful.”

  In a flash of insight, Assistant Donnelly said, “You met another one, didn’t you? Like me?”

  I hesitated, then murmured, “I can’t really talk about it.”

  Quickly the man said, “No, no, that’s a good policy. Safer for you, and me, and them. Maybe I’ll see them some day. You know. Out there.” He made a vague gesture above his head.

  I thanked Assistant Donnelly for his time, and promised to find more excuses to come down to Arcane Records in the future. He was amused by that, but seemed neither pleased nor displeased at the prospect. I left him to his world of paper and psychic wonder.

  As the midterms crept closer, Professor Loke announced that our Magical Foundations class would have a guest speaker. Surprisingly, it was Rick. He looked fully recovered from his run-in with the vampire. The tall human had cut his brown hair short: A stylish, very ‘now’ look for him according to some of the younger students. I had to agree with them. My friend really did look like a new man, and I was happy for him.

  Rick laid out the midterm project for us. As a class, we would learn our first spell that wasn’t considered a cantrip. It was Flat Mule of course, also known as ‘Disk of Transport’ in more formal circles. I would end up borrowing my friend’s spellbook and learning it in a day, but for the new students it would take a couple of weeks to pull together all of the techniques that they had learned. Rick was a great teacher: Patient, articulate, understanding the varied cultural backgrounds and traditions of the students in his classroom. Briefly I wondered if Will had talked to him about less dangerous careers, and if this was a trial run for the tall human. But I didn’t pry.

  Having learned Flat Mule well ahead of time, I only had one more spell to master before midterms. The Water version of Conjure Minor Elemental was proving to be somewhat more challenging than the Earth version had been. Professor Sevritz postulated that I simply had a natural affinity for earth, but he was confident that I would master the element of water in short order. He was right. A week before midterms, I had conjured my first minor water elemental. Watching it splash around like an overgrown child stomping in a rain puddle amused me. The components were water and spittle, things that would ideally be available to me unless I was dying in a desert. Professor Sevritz reviewed my progress in all classes, and stated that he was confident that I had bridged the gap between hedge magic and a formal mystical education.

  The Minor Water Elemental was different from the Earth version in many ways. It was a tool of stealth and exploration, much more so than just a combat asset. Apparently, it could travel through open water at incredible speeds. At slower paces, it could move silently and almost undetectably to the unaware and uninitiated. But in a pinch, using it to drag an air-breathing creature into the water and holding it there was certainly a viable tactic. And while swinging with watery limbs was less effective than stone ones, the impact could still bruise flesh and break bone. I was happy with the mix of combat and utility that
the Minor Water Elemental had to offer.

  It was midweek prior to the midterm tests, and I felt like I was the most relaxed student on University grounds. I had all but passed my Magic Theory class already. Professor Loke had run out of cantrips to teach me in Magical Foundations. I had already tested out of Graduating Apprentices, unlocking many more options for my next round of class selection. And Professor Sevritz was quite satisfied with both my earth and water elemental work. While most would spend the next five days cramming, I was prepared to spend them helping my classmates with any last minute preparations and memorizations that they were having issues with.

  But you know what they say about the best laid plans of orcs and men.

  Being summoned to the Headmaster’s office was never free of stress, no matter how well you knew them. The note had been passed to Professor Sevritz in the middle of our Foundations of Summoning Elementals class. The lizardman pointed the tip of his tail at me and then twitched the appendage in a ‘come hither’ motion. When I walked up to him, he simply handed me the note. It read:

  ‘Send the green waste of space to me. Headmaster’s office. - Max’

  The Professor said, dryly, “I assume he’s talking about you rather than me. Go ahead.”

  I reached the Headmaster’s outer office. There was a note on the Headmaster's Assistant’s desk that read: ‘Out to lunch. Announce yourself. Touch nothing.’

  “Master Max?”

  The reply from the next room was instantaneous. “Sorch, enter.”

  The Headmaster’s office had undergone some subtle changes. Gone was Dutch’s habitat, replaced by shelves of mystical tomes. Sadly, the cookie jar was no more. Instead, a bowl of fresh mint leaves adorned the desk. I walked over and popped one of the leaves into my maw. “So this is it? You’ve moved in?”

  Max frowned, running fingers through his wispy white hair. “It’s unclear. A couple of days ago I just found the place like this. All the right people were responding to my inquiries with the full authority of the position. I thought there would be some sort of formal ceremony, but I might actually be Headmaster.”

  I blinked at the old human. “That’s possible? To be made Headmaster and not even know it?”

  The venerable magus snorted. “Perhaps. I’ll seek clarification soon.” He started pacing around behind his desk as I enjoyed the sensation of cool mint washing over my tongue.

  I tried to make small talk, to see if that would calm him down a little bit. “How was your tutoring among my tribemates?”

  Max stopped pacing briefly. He commented, “That kid is a handful.” Then he stared at me for far too long. It became uncomfortable. Just as I was going to try another bit of small talk, the old man asked a question.

  “Do you recall your recent capture of a rather pompous Pandemonium Prince?”

  I demurred, “It wasn’t I who captured him. More like Toby, Tara, and the elves. The rest of us just kind of followed in their wake.”

  Max shrugged. “Whatever. Prince Klovis Monteeg, son of Lord Shogar Monteeg has struck a deal. I think you and your friends will be interested in the intel that resulted from his eventual capitulation. This was dropped off by your Ames half an hour ago.”

  I blinked, not knowing that Ames had been on campus. Without another word, I read the contents of the report that had been handed to me by Max.

  ---

  Interrogator: So you would say that you’ve plotted against the world of Panos.

  Witness: I never said that! No, our people have been working with members of your races. By definition we were here with the consent of Panos. Our mastery of opening up portals to other planes far exceeds anything you have to offer in this weak, physically oriented place. You have not embraced the power of fractal chaos.

  Interrogator: This factions that you are working with, what are they called?

  Witness: I have no grasp of these human names. Mortal names in general sicken me and slip from my mind like refuse from the slick fingers of a hogreth-gnar. Whatever you call them, they work for the eradication of order in this realm, and offer us a permanent foothold. An alliance.

  Interrogator: In exchange for?

  Witness: The plane of Negative Energy. We open up a gateway between this world and the source of all undead power. They raise their armies to help destroy the armies that would stand for order. It was a simple enough request.

  Interrogator: So they’re summoning the undead in numbers?

  Witness: Summon? No, mortal fool. You already have undead here, in staggering numbers. The rebel forces had no way to control them. We simply needed to direct negative energy into the most convenient conduit at hand: The ley lines. The negative energy from an open portal can be directed along these arcane lines of power that are wrapped around your world. This would be a beacon for every undead creature to march upon a target, assuming it was on or near one of these ley lines.

  ---

  I looked up from my reading. Max wore a frown that made him look even older than he was.

  “You’re absolved from your Midterms. Your teachers have made it clear to me that you would have passed with flying colors, and we don’t have the time for formalities. The ‘we’ in this case is a joint concern of both elven kingdoms, the northern and southern human kingdoms, and the northern orc tribes. Yours will be one of half a dozen groups being sent all over Panos to investigate and respond to these claims.”

  I said, “What about the Southern Tribes?”

  Max shook his head, “Unlike their northern kin, the orcs of the south have no portal anywhere close to their lands. By and large, they don’t have a vested interest in this, nor do they have a mechanism to help out even if they did.”

  I craned my neck counterclockwise until it made a dull cracking noise. “Okay. You want me to assemble the normal group?”

  Master Max took the interrogation report from my hands, and offered a sealed letter instead. “Go check in with your were-cat, who is in charge of this mission. When you have your group together, open this and read through the details.”

  I nodded and moved to exit.

  “Sorch?”

  I paused.

  “You can refuse, you know. I would in your position.”

  I glanced down at the letter in my hands. “Thank you Headmaster.”

  Max didn’t say another word, he simply allowed me to depart.

  I walked through the checkpoints and down to my assigned guest room. Sure enough, my lovely white were-cat was waiting for me. After being greeted with an embrace and whiskery kiss, I handed Ames the letter.

  The feline took it and slipped the wax sealed missive into one of their belt pouches. “What did Max say?”

  I sighed. “Cryptically, he said we should consider refusing, and that he would in our position.”

  Ames snorted. “Well, his adventuring days are long over, I suppose he’s lost his taste for it.”

  I immediately came to the crass old man’s defense, “He’s no coward.”

  The were-cat’s jaw dropped open in a little feline smile. “No. He’s no coward, that’s true love. The two of you are not a million paces apart, you know.”

  I sat on the bed, heavily. “Maybe half a million. What’s the plan?”

  Ames said, “Possession of the letter formally empowers me to assemble a group for the consideration of its contents. I’m going to get the gang back together, and we’ll meet in the potion lecture hall in the morning.”

  I nodded to my love. “When do you leave?”

  The feline shouldered their pack. “Immediately. Say goodbye to the library gang for me. Wish them good luck on their tests. Make sure you tell Parsnip what’s going on, sudden abandonment issues is the last thing she needs right now.”

  I frowned. “What happened?”

  Ames walked towards the door. “I was told this morning. Final word on her dodgy roommate and his friend. They’ve been exonerated due to lack of evidence. Let her know that she can use this place while we’re gone, I’ve
already cleared it with administration.”

  “Damn. Alright, I’ll let her know.”

  Just before closing the door, the were-cat noted, “She shouldn’t be alone tonight, Sorch.” And then Ames was gone.

  I rested, performed my rituals, then did all of my preparation and packing before dinner. I wanted to be ready to perform my intellect enhancement in the morning and immediately walk out the door. When everything was ready, I headed downstairs to the cafeteria and joined the library study group for a meal. Chicken and leek stew was on the menu tonight.

  We chatted about midterms for a while before I explained my upcoming absence. There was a mixed reaction. They felt that I had lucked out by being able to skip exams, but were sad to see me go for an extended period of time. Parsnip, in particular, was melancholy at the news.

  I mentioned to her, “Ames arranged it so that you could use our room while the two of us are gone.”

  Parsnip’s face lit up with something akin to hope and disbelief at the same time. “You’re joking.”

  I raised a weathered green hand, as in if taking an oath. I said, “True, I swear it. We’ve cleared out some space for you. Come with me after dinner and I’ll show you?”

  The half elf nodded eagerly. “Of course. Thank you!” The sound of genuine relief and gratitude told me everything I needed to know about her current living arrangements.

  When we had finished eating, we climbed the stairs, well past where the student lodging ended. The upper floors were reserved for guests and dignitaries. These rooms were larger and more plush than anything Parsnip had ever seen on University grounds.

  Upon seeing where she would be staying, the half elf said, “This is awesome. Inspiring. Now I know why people take up adventuring.” She sat on the edge of the bed, legs swinging absently.