Another Stupid Trilogy

by Bill Ricardi

  I laid quite still, bonelessly slumped against the wall. Every fraction of energy in my body was simply gone and my nerves had stopped working. Pain and sensation had no meaning. I was unable to even assess my own injuries, nevermind move.

  The first to recover from the chaos was Ames. In a heads-up display that was as effective as it was dazzling, the feline invoked their Ring of Leaping. The were-cat covered the entire length of the room in a single bound, and ended the female mage’s screaming with a thrust through the heart followed by a devastatingly fast slash across the throat.

  Toby ran to Tara’s side, and with Rick’s help they quickly picked apart their outmatched and outnumbered (if you count the cleric’s Divine Hammer) foes.

  The male mage had stopped screaming, only to find himself in exactly the wrong place for what was to come. His defenses had been shattered when he lost concentration. Will was casting his second and final Lightning Bolt of the day at the unfortunate ex-University member, who was caught in a corner comprised of two stone walls. The small human chose an angle that would rebound the bolt through the body of his traitorous target multiple times. A moment later, there was nothing left but a charred corpse.

  Ames cried out, “Sorch!”

  At that point, I felt somewhat recovered from the blast. I managed to turn my head and put on a brave smile for my mate. I said, “It’s okay, I’m fine.” Slowly I made my way back to my feet.

  The were-cat stopped short of me, eyes seeming frantic. I reached out to touch the feline’s shoulder, but the cat darted away suddenly.

  “Sorch!”

  The shout was taken up by everyone. They proceeded to turn the room inside out. I screamed, “I’m here, I’m right here!” But it was no use. They couldn’t see me, they couldn’t hear me.

  That’s when I discovered that I was dead.

  I ran up to Toby, who was closest to me at that point. His eyes were filled with tears. I reached up to shake his golden-brown furred shoulder. My hand passed right through the paladin’s body.

  I turned to see if my fellow mages would be able to detect me. But Rick walked right through me as he continued the frantic search.

  Ames’ legs lost the ability to carry the were-cat’s weight. My mate slumped suddenly, falling onto their rump, tail completely still. It was as in if the spring in a wind-up toy had simply broken, instantly robbing it of any kind of motion.

  Soon everyone was crying, minotaur or not. Even in tears, my two mage friends ran through the options.

  “Invisible.”

  “He would have touched one of us by now.”

  “Teleported.”

  “Max’s Message failed.”

  “Teleported and Mind Shielded.”

  “Max’s Message wasn’t blocked, it had no valid target.”

  “Sucked into the Plane of Negative Energy.”

  “Nothing living can survive there.”

  “Stop.”

  The last voice was that of Ames. “Please stop.”

  They sat in silence for a minute as I watched. If I could produce tears, I would be crying too.

  Eventually Toby and Tara wiped their eyes. They made the rounds, quietly reminding everyone that there was still danger, and that they had 8 hostages that needed to be rescued outside in a shed. I admired the dedication of my two big friends. They were clearly hurting themselves, but made the living their priority.

  I got to watch as the party started to perform that time honored ritual: Gathering the loot. It was a half hearted process, but one that was doubly necessary given the situation. The refugees would be better off if they were decently armed and equipped. It was a matter of survival, not selfishness. Every shield and proper short blade was collected for the refugees, a clear upgrade to kitchen knives, even to the novice.

  A Detect Magic from Rick did cause a couple of objects to glow. Not me, sadly. Rick and Will halfheartedly gathered up the spellbooks, magical items, and other valuables to assess later. I wasn’t paying close attention to be honest.

  Tara uncovered a diary, kept by one of the clerics that we had killed downstairs. I had been right in my suppositions, not that the fact made me feel any better at this point. Instead of worshiping Koroth, the clerics had been worshiping the fallen Harrington as the demon lord’s ‘natural successor’. They used the modified holy symbol to indicate the overshadowing of Koroth and the rise of his Duke. And this was all happening right under Koroth’s nose, without his knowledge. It was a skilled and organized betrayal, indeed.

  I contemplated the quality of my afterlife. Maybe this was some sort of punishment for not worshipping any specific god. I would hang about until one of them decided to claim me, an ecumenical discard. A spiritual white elephant.

  Eventually the party went outside to pick up the staff members that they had rescued. It mustn't have been much fun for them, with their rescuers sullen, angry, and upset over the death of a comrade. But at least they were free. Of that I was somewhat proud, my life had been traded for so many more. Having wasted Max’s Message trying to contact me, the party would have to rest and recover their spells before they could request a boat to retrieve them. They headed back to the ruined farmhouse. I tagged along, not really having anywhere else to go.

  One irritation continued to peck at my psyche. I supposed that it would haunt me forever.

  I was dead. That bastard Koroth had been right.

  Chapter 16

  Death such lizard crap.

  I think I done with stupid stuff and things. No curse, no gotta make brain bigger. But here is me, getting dumber all the time!

  No cast lot of big spells in fight, dat’s why not notice. But after Will call ship and we march all day, realize can’t remember Max’s Message spell. Not that could cast anyway, can’t touch copper bits. Brain was fading, just like if I skip enhancements. Which I gotta do cause, again, can’t touch copper! Stupid.

  Can’t eat, but is okay, cuz not get hungry. Can’t drink, but again, is fine; not getting thirsty. Well, not for water. Would like something with spirits, but dat another thing. Not warm, not cold. Just… floaty. Like Panos forget about me.

  So here we be, on big dumb boat. Can’t stop kitty from cry. Can’t tell others dey did good job. Just stuck here. Wonder why me not just fall right through deck. Not wonder too hard though, in case I make it happen. Not wanna haunt fishes forever.

  We got good wind. Get back to royal city fast. Good, cuz I gonna go to temple and sit on big holy table until someone wake up and grab me. Kenvunk. Magic god lady. Other magic god lady. Someone. Me deserve it after all I did!

  So I get dumb over time. Wonder if get dumb with magic too. Got couple spell left that don’t need touchy-stuff to use.

  Use Light spell on Tara’s holy necklace thing. Guess what? Feel little bit of brain drain away with cantrip. Stupid curse! Can’t leave me alone, even when dead? Would have been nice if dead orc could at least make some light in peace.

  Then notice. Light not just on me. Light on everything.

  Light spell shine right in minotaur’s sleepy eyes. Tara grumble and try to roll, necklace follow. That when big cowgirl open eyes and scream, blinded pretty good from light right in face.

  Everyone wake up as Tara rip off holy necklace and throw on floor.

  Toby rumbled, “Tara, what in the blazing hells…”

  “I don’t know! It started glowing, right in my eyes. I can only see a big blue dot right now, give me a minute.”

  All gather around Light spell on symbol thing. I try make shadows, that no work.

  Rick murmured, “That’s a Light spell. I didn’t cast it. Will?”

  Small human shake head. He walk over to door. “It’s locked. Tara is this maybe part of a portent? A divine sign?”

  Minotaur girl rub eyes. “No dammit, it’s just light. Blinding light. In the middle of the bloody night.”

  I think. What else can do? Gotta be magic, no use component. Only one spell left, really. Only got few minutes.

 
; They talk about maybe some item they pick up, but can’t think of anything that would do this. While they talk, I cast.

  Invisible Shield never been so important.

  As they stare at pretty light, I use edge of shield to smash clasp on Will’s pouch. Everyone jump. I smoosh pouch, try to squeeze something out. Know it’s in there…

  Bag of salt roll onto floor. I bash with edge of shield. Break it wide open, spill out grains to wood floor. Try to draw in salt with Invisible Shield. It work, line get made, but not enough. Bang Invisible Shield on floor. Salt jump around.

  Smart friends though. They get what going on.

  Ames say, “Sorch!” Not really sound like kitty believe it themself. Just hopes. But hope all I need right now.

  Toby shout, “Coat the floor, anything we have!”

  All go into packs. Soon sugar and flour and salt spill all over deck. Only got couple minutes. Start write in mess on floor.

  ‘Am ghost.’

  Everyone turn to Tara. Cleric must be ghost expert, yes?

  Cowgirl think. “He might be… a shadow, a ghost, or a wraith or something. Incorporeal.”

  Will sound excited. “But we can see his magic.”

  Me wipe out words and write:

  ‘Last magic, no copper.’

  Rick snarl, “He can’t enhance his intelligence. Can’t cast anything with material components.”

  Ames ask cowgirl, “Can we bring him back?”

  Tara nod. “Maybe. There’s a Temple of Xim in Royal Moffit. They’re the experts on magical constructs, spirit binding. My temple maintains close ties. Melflavin is the god of tinkering and innovation, while Xim is the human god of golems, constructs, magical creations. They’ve done amazing things in these situations, in the past.”

  I write:

  ‘Try, but no feel bad if not.’

  Will ask, “Is there anything else we need to know from Sorch to try this?”

  Cowgirl shake head, slowly. “It will be in the hands of the gods now. If we can’t get him back, there’s a ritual to allow him to rest.”

  Toby say, “Hang in there my small friend. Stay close to us.”

  Again, would cry if could. Start to write:

  ‘Love yo-’

  Then Invisible Shield gone.

  Ames can cry, does. “We love you too Sorch. Be brave for me.”

  They all start laugh, cry, hug each other. Never seen people so happy to talk to half-dead orc before. Guess that hope pretty strong thing though. Maybe one of strongest things. Hope so.

  Everyone clean up mess, then get packed. They not gonna sleep more tonight, I shock ‘em too much. Sorry friends. They got everything ready to jump off boat right when we get there, which sound like early dawn.

  Rick super smart. He study Max’s Message while wait, contact General-guy. Say there be wagons and escort waiting for us. Feel kinda bad, so many people bother just for me. But then remember, dis place be hole in ground if not for me. So yeah, send couple of wagons for Sorch!

  Just as sun rise, pretty boat tie to docks. Planks put down and party hurry to waiting wagons and horses and escort. One thing about being dead: Don’t really get tired. I keep up easy, hop onto wagon. Still not know why me just don’t sink through, but they say being dumb is being happy. Just happy butt stays on wagon.

  Other thing ‘bout dead orc; can take in sights. After we out of slummy docks, get into part of city that never seen. Is very fancy, but not art-fancy. More make-stuff fancy. Big buildings, stuff always coming out. Cloth come out of dat one. Leather out of dat one. Wagon parts outta dere. Dis where city gets stuff that make other stuff. If live again, wanna come back here. Looks neat.

  Temple of Xim in southwest of town. Escort get us there super quick. Look like priests just starting to wake up, really shocked when guards and adventurers run through front gate. Statues all over front of temple. Eyes look like they follow us. Then one of them move! Eyes do follow us. Scary gargoyles. They flap rock wings, but let us by. That stuff ain’t normal.

  Inside look more like workshop than temple. There places to sit, sure, but little golems and elemental thingies carry stuff around, help out, fix stuff. Benches to work all over walls. Gears and cogs all over. And fire. Man, dey like fire. Fire boil flask, more fire heat pipes. Good thing so much made outta rock here. Big altar up front is just one stone slab with tools and bowls and stuff and things on top.

  Big tootin’ head Xim woman greet us, ask what fuss is about. Guard guys say is urgent, request from crown. Tara say urgent, favor to Melflavin. Ames say urgent, boyfriend is ghost. Head Xim bishop get it, she says. Thank guards, they go away. Take friends to back room.

  Back room really look like more of what was in front room. Probably save money by just not building wall. But is more private, lets friends tell bishop woman whole story.

  She say, “Well we’re not used to getting these sorts of emergencies, but it does happen once in a great while. Normally death is a fairly clean divider, and undeath is a one way street, as it were. But the Lady Tara is absolutely correct in this case. We have a willing spirit that seems to have retained his mind. He’s suffered a mystical, planar accident that has caused him to become disembodied. I believe we can attempt to help.”

  She wave friends over to rock table. There scary looking guy made of mud on top.

  “This is a clay golem. Normally we would be animating him to do work for us. But he can also be a vessel, a conduit. We can cause him to transform into the missing body of your friend, once we infuse it with his spirit. But… there is a cost.”

  Ames say, right away, “I’ll pay whatever the cost is. If I don’t have enough, I’ll sell what I have. If that’s not enough then-”

  Xim bishop shake head and stop kitty right dere. “Not that kind of cost. Well, I should say that there is a physical cost for the service but I have an idea for that. No, there is a sacrifice involved as well.”

  Everyone get quiet.

  Xim woman say, “As to the monetary cost, your friend has captured a powerful artifact. That ‘black gem’ as you called it… it is quite a potent focus, a way to open conduits between worlds. If he would be willing to give that up, no other coinage would be required.”

  I no care about black rock, lady can have.

  It like Ames read mind, “Yeah, he won’t care about the gem. It’s yours if you get him back. And the sacrifice?”

  “Xim is a powerful god, and a fair one. But certain actions require an anchor. What we’re talking about is channeling forces from the Plane of Positive Energy while at the same time invoking the powers that spark life itself. True life, not these constructs of magic. We already have a lot to work with: A willing soul, a fresh mind, any number of memories and tales that can identify the target of the benediction. But the balance of life must be maintained.”

  Bishop lady pause. “You’ve heard the phrase ‘I’d give an arm and a leg for that’, I assume?”

  Everyone nod. Even I know that one.

  “It isn’t just a saying. It stems from the Ritual of the Living. In order to bring back the soul in question, two of their living friends, two people who know and love that person, must make a sacrifice of the flesh. An arm, and a leg.”

  I stare at crazy bishop chick. Wish she could see me, don’t think I ever stare like that at crazy person before.

  But then I hear, “I volunteer.”

  And hear again. And another three times.

  I scream at friends. They nuts! Gonna maim themselves like that? Two of them even? Not walk, not do magic, not fight? Give up who dey are? No! Not allow it!

  I look for something to tip over, to break. Something magic I can do to stop them. But then Bishop lady say something else.

  “I’m afraid most of you aren’t suitable candidates.”

  I relax. She can’t do it anyhow.

  Xim bishop say, “He was humanoid, one of the major races. I’m afraid only another of the major races would be a close enough match. Are you gentlemen willing?”


  Rick. And Will.

  Wanna cry, and shout so dey hear me. After all they been through, can’t have them do dis. Wanna stop ‘em. Gotta be a way to stop ‘em…

  Missed whatever human friends said. Whatever it was, Xim lady say:

  “So be it. Let us set the participants to rest. If everyone else could please step out, the ritual takes some time.”

  Will and Rick sit in chairs, everyone else go. Bishop of Xim start to mumble and wave hands. I try to tip over braiser, but hand go right through. Try to blow smoke in face, dat not work. Rick and Will look sleepy now.

  Then Xim lady head snap around. Look right at me. First time in days someone look right at me. Feel like all energy gone. I fall over, and all go black.

  I dunno what it is wit’ me and gods. Dey must really like to talk to me. Cause while wait to see if I gonna live, here I am, in another crazy place!

  Find self in big workshop. Look down, see that I’m sitting on super tall stool. Next to orc legs are other legs, next stool over. I look up to see who bother me now.

  Is nice enough lookin’ human. Can’t really tell what age. Not too young, not too old. He wear silly glasses, cover half of face. Hair is bright purple, and standing straight up like hit with Lightning Bolt spell. He hold out hand to me.

  “Sorch, could you hand me the thin copper tubing please?”

  I look in front of me on workbench. Yup, dere’s bits of stuff all over. I fish around in pile until find what looks like thin. Hand to weird haired guy. “What we makin’?”

  The man turned his head to give me secret smile. “We’re making a better still. Don’t tell mom though.”

  I giggled little bit and handed over tube. Swung legs while watch him work. He put in clamp thing, then coat with something. Push other tube over it. Then take out fixture, like see in walls of Arcane University. He light swamp gas, and leave fire under tubes.