Another Stupid Trilogy

by Bill Ricardi

  My next two blows with Rock created a deep split in the Voodoo Engine. I couldn’t hear the demonic general Harrington at all now, his screams drowned out by the unnatural whine of the magic item that had destroyed so many lives. Pure white light started to pour out of the fractured artifact, growing in intensity by the second.

  That’s when I felt the tugging at my arm. It was Benno. “Come on, we gotta go!”

  I looked at the Voodoo Engine. It was starting to swell and pulse alarmingly. I had to agree with the young apprentice’s assessment. I ‘palmed’ Rock once again, then we ran back to the spot where we started. Benno touched my wrist with one hand and his own forehead with the other. The Astral Plane melted away. We were back on Panos.

  ...right next to the alarmingly loud Voodoo Engine. As Benno and I sprinted south, I noticed a few things.

  In the half of a minute that it took for me to finish off the Voodoo Engine and make it back, the tide of battle had turned. I soon discovered why. The women of the Nightbane tribe had taken the field. Hammer-maidens, having heard about the Chief’s pact with demons from their new smart orc mates, had arrived in force from the south. They had come to demand answers, but instead got to engage in their favorite kind of diplomacy. The undead fell to these fierce warrior women in droves. The Jeywafa tribe rallied. Cut off from the channelling of the Voodoo Engine, the Necromancer found himself bereft of power. At first it was a simple farmer’s hoe that struck his shoulder. Then a blacksmith’s hammer shattered his knee. Then a basher’s club joined the fray. Soon the elven mage gave up his tenuous hold upon mortality once again.

  The remaining clerics and the bashers that didn’t take Shaman’s side quickly fled the battlefield. Nobody bothered to chase them through the northwest passage. At this point, fewer unknown factors were a good thing, and nobody was going to seek out more trouble.

  The Chief had managed to close the gap to Shaman through those near-hurricane level winds by stabbing his sword into the soil and dragging himself forward. He launched a feral looking teep kick at Shaman’s chest, breaking the druid’s wind-channeling and sending my friend flying back a few paces.

  As the big orc yanked that saw toothed blade from the ground, I shouted, trying to distract him. I had nothing left, and wouldn’t be able to close the distance in time. My cries were challenging his manhood, calling him weak, whatever I could think of that would wound his pride. Benno was right on my heels and he too hurled insults at the Chief, though the lad’s chosen taunts were of a far more base nature, and likely would have made a sailor blush.

  But it was Lizzy who managed to sidetrack the brute. A quick flyby resulted in a small tuft of salt and pepper hair being ripped from the orc’s scalp. He snarled and swung his sword in the air, but the little lizard was well out of range.

  By the time the Chief turned back, Shaman had finished chanting. He was holding both hands up, like he was telling an angry horse to stop.

  The Force Bolt sent the surprised Chief flying past Benno and I. We didn’t stop running.

  The last thing that I remember seeing before the wave of explosive force propelled me forward was Shaman: The slackening in his jaw as it hit him. I watched the intelligence drain from my best friend’s eyes. Then there was dust, and the ground rose to meet me far too quickly.

  Chapter 20

  “Wake up you green skinned, half witted, sorry excuse for a mage.”

  I opened my eyes slowly. Master Max looked surprised. “I didn’t expect that to work.” he admitted. The old man was sitting in a flimsy chair at the head of my cot.

  “Ames?” I croaked.

  Max gently tilted my head to the right. The feline was laying less than a pace away. I could tell that my mate wasn’t very strong, but the fact that Ames was attempting to push Tara away was a good sign.

  I called over, “Let her do her job, kitten.”

  Max brought my attention back to him. “How come you sound like an almost-intelligent person right now? Didn’t get to use much magic?”

  I shook my head a little bit. “No drain in the Astral Plane.”

  That piece of information seemed to stump Max. “Really?” He stood up and slowly wandered away. “Really. Hmmm.”

  Without the Headmaster blocking my vision, I could see that we were in one of the family tents, alongside several other wounded. Mismatched cots had been dragged in, allowing for it to serve as a recovery area. Everyone had been at least superficially tended to, each sporting bandages and smelling of ointment.

  I heard a voice outside of my field of vision. “There he is. Don’t get too excited, he’s probably still…”

  I groaned upon receiving a hug from Benno.

  Hemitath finished her sentence. “...sore. He says you saved his life, Sorch.”

  The young orc was nodding. “Did. Was flying through air. Thought was gonna break neck. You catch me.”

  I snorted. “I don’t remember any of that. I think you just landed on me, Benno.” I checked my ribs. They were fairly tender.

  Benno blinked. “Oh. Well, thanks for being dere.”

  I said, “No problem. Shaman?”

  Hemitath slowly made her way over to stand next to my cot. She considered her next words carefully. “He’s alive. I’ll take you over to see him after you’ve rested.”

  I sighed. “I was there when he cast the spell. I saw his eyes.”

  The old elf didn’t bother hiding her tears. “Yes, well. We’ll deal with that when the time comes.”

  I reached up to take Hemitath’s hand. Her slender fingers gripped my thick digits fiercely.

  “The curse has no effect in the Astral plane, Hemitath. It can’t reach us there.”

  She looked puzzled by this news. “Okay. I don’t think that helps him, in the short term. If he can read a scroll then maybe we can magnify the effects by taking him there with one of the amulets. But… we’ll see. It’s a good discovery Sorch. Maybe a step in the right direction.”

  I swallowed. Seeing Hemitath cry made me want to cry. Perhaps sensing that, the archmage let go of my hand and took Benno’s instead. “Come on, let’s get some rest, then we’ll visit Uncle.”

  Tara’s head bobbed into my field of vision. “You know, that’s a good plan of action for you as well. You need your rest.”

  I reached up to stroke the minotaur’s head. Where there were once sharp white horns, now there were only tiny rounded nubs. Most of her dark brown fur was simply gone. Instead my calloused fingertips ran over stubble and reddish brown skin. She was wrapped in a makeshift dress; more likely a bolt of cloth borrowed from one of the merchants, given her size.

  Tara closed her expressive blue eyes and leaned into my touch. “Seriously Sorch, a few hours at least.”

  I ignored the advice, instead asking, “How do you feel?”

  The minotaur wore a hint of a smile. “It could have been a lot worse. I lost some things, they can be replaced. I lost some fur, it will grow back. In a few years, the horns will grow out too. As for the rest… I think I know what it must feel like for one of you to have a very bad sunburn. Ames was kind enough to give me some leaves to chew on that will help with the pain over the next few days.”

  “The baby?”

  My friend broke into one of those bright, toothy smiles. She rested a hand over her midsection. “Junior is fine. Thanks for asking. We were far enough away from the final blast, just got bumped around a bit.”

  I asked, curiously, “How much longer will you continue adventuring? Until you start to show?”

  Tara considered. She said, “I think this will be our last big mission until the baby is born. In the aftermath of this, Toby and I have already promised so much time to so many different people. Plus we have obligations to our own orders. The Order of the Snow had wanted Toby to do some instructing back in Ice House for years now, so he can fulfil that obligation. The rebuilding and rededication of the temple back in Eastern Hook is something that the both of us can pour time into. And of course, we plan t
o help out right here. Hemitath has told us in no uncertain terms that she can use all of the help that she can get.”

  I laughed a little bit. “Well you are Tara McGoldberg, Hero of the Four Winds, Savior of the Southern Clans. I imagine you’ll be more than welcome among the tribes.”

  The hornless minotaur blinked. “Is that what they’re going to call me?”

  I nodded, “Oh, all that and more. My people love their titles, and Shaman gave you quite the introduction. You might even get your own statue.”

  The priestess snorted and waved off such thoughts. “Don’t be silly. Nobody would waste the rocks.”

  I said, “Tara. There’s not a doubt in my mind that you carried the day. Any accolades that you get are well deserved.”

  Tara shook her head just a little bit. “Oh I don’t know. I do my part, but Toby does the heavy lifting, as it were.”

  I said, “Lizard crap. You saved Ames. And Toby. And countless others.”

  She looked surprised, “You saw all that? How?”

  I explained what my experience was like in the Astral Plane. The priestess was fascinated.

  Tara said, “You need to write all of that down. After you’ve rested. I need to make the rounds, but Toby will check up on you in a little while.”

  I stroked Tara’s neck once, and then withdrew my hand. “Okay. Thanks.” And with that the minotaur moved on to her next patient.

  I swiveled my head so that I could see Ames again. The feline was staring right back at me.

  “Rest.”

  “No, you rest.”

  We both chuckled. Ames winced afterwards.

  I murmured, “You shouldn’t be talking. I saw what happened.”

  Ames snorted. “Heard you tell Tara. Kind of creepy, you spying on me like that.”

  I said, “Stop. Don’t make me laugh, everything hurts.”

  The feline stuck their tongue out at me. “Wimp. Oh hey, had a good angle on the Chief. Was spectacular. They’re still picking up pieces.”

  I had the good grace to look horrified. “Love, that’s a bit morbid.”

  The cat shrugged. “Screw him. He deserved it. Only bad part is that his sword broke. Was a neat sword.”

  I peered at the were-cat. “You couldn’t have even lifted it with both paws.”

  Ames’ eyes closed. My mate murmured, “Still. Neat sword.” Soon after I heard the feline’s gentle snoring.

  Toby murmured, “Finally.”

  I slowly turned my head in the other direction. The big bull man was grinning down at me with those infuriatingly perfect teeth.

  “How does someone so massive sneak up on me?”

  The paladin shook his head. “I didn’t. Ames was distracting you in the hopes that I’d tickle you or some such thing. I’m not nearly that cruel.”

  I pointed towards the tent flap. “How bad?”

  Toby’s expression became more neutral. “Bad enough, but could have been a lot worse. A lot of your people suffered or died for their Chief’s madness. Maybe a tenth of the tribe gone, another tenth with amputations or permanent wounds. The children though, almost all safe. I think everyone is happy about that. I know I am.”

  I nodded agreement. “And us?”

  The big bull man considered, “Tara and Ames are going to pull through just fine. We got to your mate in time, the lung is saved.”

  “Shaman?”

  Toby looked away. “He’s not the same man that he was, Sorch. You need to prepare yourself for that.”

  I drew a deep breath. “Okay.” My mind froze up. All I could think about was that day when Shaman kicked me out for my own good. He was so wise, and his wisdom changed my life. “Okay.”

  My friend allowed his brown eyes to return to my face. “The apprentices all made it. Even the ones who brought back those warrior women.”

  I laughed a little bit. “The Nightbane orcs. Of all the things to come back and bite him, I doubt that the Chief expected that.”

  The minotaur chuckled. “They’ve sent back word to send their healers. I think your tribe has a new ally. Maybe several.”

  I shrugged, “It will take a while for people to realize that anything happened at all. News travels slow around here.”

  Toby stared at me for a moment. Wordlessly, he reached over and opened the flap of the tent so that I could see what was outside.

  I looked out upon the center of the village and everything seemed normal. But as my eyes tracked north, the devastation was clear. A deep crater had been blown into the earth, wiping out all of the northern tents and huts in the process. The entire bowl of the crater was lined with what looked like black glass, preventing the swamp from seeping into the void. Given the contour of the crater, the blast itself must have reached dozens of paces into the sky.

  “Oh.” was all I said.

  Toby allowed the flap to fall back into place. “Yes. Every tribe within a day’s travel knows that something happened. Expect a lot of runners and emissaries in the next few hours. The elven Eyes have already been and gone. From what Max said, Salt fell easily to the elves once the Voodoo Engine was destroyed.”

  I asked, “What in the hells is Max doing here anyway?”

  The minotaur said, “The feedback from the destruction rippled through the ley lines and shut down the rest of the Negative Energy portals, apparently. He teleported to your old copper cave to see what had happened, and then followed his nose.”

  “Great.”

  Toby laid a big hand gently on my shoulder. “He would never admit to it, but when you were out, the old man never left your bedside.” With that revelation, the big paladin mussed my hair and then went over to check on the sleeping were-cat.

  I allowed my eyes to close. Just for a moment mind you.

  A few hours later, I awoke to the sound of bickering.

  “I’m fine!”

  “You lay your ass down or I’m tying your tail to the frame of the cot.”

  I grumbled, “Stop fighting. Or stop fighting so loudly. I don’t care which.”

  Tara and Ames both looked in my direction, guiltily.

  The minotaur said, “Tell your mate to lay down, you don’t recover from a punctured lung with some divine healing and a few hours bedrest.”

  I said, “Ames, lay down.”

  The feline rumbled, “You tell this overgrown head of cattle that I’m fine, and there are things that need to get done.”

  I said, “Tara, Ames is fine.”

  Both of them said, nearly at the same time, “You’re not helping!”

  I sat up slowly, groaning all the while. That got both of them to shut up.

  Tara rushed over, “No, not you. You had a concussion. You haven’t even had any healing prayers. Your head is still bleeding.”

  I hadn’t even noticed the bandage on my head. I reached up and slowly took it off. “Tara. I’m actually fine. My muscles ache, but everything is pretty clear right now.”

  The cleric bit her lower lip for a moment, then nodded. “Fine. I’ll change the dressing, then you can go.”

  “No, don’t leave me.” Ames moaned, sounding intentionally pitiful now.

  I snorted. “Stop it. Tell me what you need to get done, and I’ll be back when I can.”

  The feline searched for something to justify the excuse that had been submitted to Tara. “Will you bring me back some nuts?”

  I said, “No. But there’s some jerky in my pack.”

  The cat leaned over, extended some claws, and hooked the strap of my pack. Slowly it got dragged out from under my cot and across the dirt floor.

  Tara finished dressing the cut on my scalp. “Take it slowly Sorch.” was her advice.

  I made my way outside on bare feet. The devastation was even more impressive up close. I stood right at the edge of the bowl of black glass. The deepest point was right below where the Voodoo Engine once rested. I stared at the void.

  “You know, it’s so deep that you’re probably below the aquifer. If you use your Stone Sha
pe right in the middle, you’ll have nearly limitless fresh water.”

  I didn’t need to turn to know who was speaking. “When did you become an expert on wells, Max?”

  The Headmaster said, “I was a farmboy once. A lifetime ago.”

  We looked at the giant glass bowl together. Silence reigned for a few moments.

  I said, “So you think a new well?”

  Max pointed, drawing in the air with his finger as he spoke. “I think you create a central cylinder of stone right there, yes. You seal it off from the rest of the bowl though. That’s your fresh water supply. You can pipe it out from there to hand pumps. Then you make three more holes there, there, and there. Let the bottom flood, and you have a public bath.”

  At that I did turn to peer at the old man. “Since when are you interested in orcish hygiene?”

  The master magician continued, as in if I hadn’t said a thing. “There’s a spell that you can use every few days, called Water Shape. Push the old water into the swamp and let the bowl flood again. All of this would be below the decking and the gazebo.”

  “Max, what in the hells…”