Another Stupid Trilogy

by Bill Ricardi

  Sweat beaded from my brow as we reeled each other in. Finally, the two of us were in melee range. Master Gideon nodded approvingly. “Good. If you have another mage or a cleric on the other end, don’t make the process smooth. Yank the chains as you pull, keep them off balance and unable to cast. Then when you get here, open up at your best range. Kick the knee. Launch a haymaker. Leap in and grapple. When you have the advantage, draw your dagger and get in there. You only have a minute or two to convert the spell into a kill. The Ebon Chains of Binding disappear when the duration runs out or when one of you is dead. Got it?”

  I shivered at the causal descriptive language that my Master used to illustrate the scenario.

  I said, “Got it.”

  The big were-wolf tilted his head, situated just inches away from my own. “You’re doing very well. Have I mentioned that?”

  I shook my head. I said, “No, but I’m glad to hear you say that.”

  He surprised me by putting his feedback into precise scope. “You would dominate nine out of ten graduate combat mages. With judicious use of Silence and the Ebon Chains of Binding, that goes up to nineteen out of twenty.”

  My eyes widened at the quantified praise. Sadly the mystical chains chose that moment to expire. Unprepared for the sudden lack of tension, I tumbled backwards onto my ass.

  Master Gideon sighed. He said, “But you still have a lot to learn. Go, bathe and get some rest. I’ll see you in a couple of days.”

  Time became vague in my memories. I knew that what I was seeing took place at least a few weeks after that training session. Spring was starting to fade into summer. I knew that because the sun was doing a decent job of staving off the cold, even as I was being kissed by a pair of delicate, talented lips.

  Pulling back from the intimate touch allowed me to see the face of my admirer: Parsnip. The ginger half elf lass was modeling her purple robes today. Her lips tasted like honey and wheat, and I found myself straining to remember which of us had drunk the mead, and which had drunk the barleywine. She wore this odd little smile on her face, reflecting something between joy and mischief.

  Then she shoved me off the cliff.

  The terrifying sensation of falling was only magnified when I saw Patricia leap after me. My mind shifted from thoughts of my own death to finding some way to save her, despite her betrayal. But the mentality of present-me gave way to the mood of past-Sorch. He… I was exhilarated. I was confident.

  As the two of us plunged from the edge of that sheer mountainside, I managed to twist in the air so that I could spot the rapidly approaching ground. I remember that my only regret was that I wouldn’t see my friend’s face when she witnessed the success of her efforts.

  I timed the Soft Fall spell a little early, just in case something went wrong and Parsnip needed time to save me, and then herself. But just as I had in practice sessions, I completed the cantrip without any issues. I was suddenly light as a feather, and watched the half elf plummet past. Her laughter drifted back up on the wind. A moment later and Patricia was floating effortlessly. She drifted down to the muddy ground below. I knew that when I joined her, another kiss awaited.

  “This is amazing. Come on Max, give us a kiss!”

  The tone of the aged archmagus was as dry as charcoal in the desert, “Under. No. Circumstances.”

  I laughed and collapsed in the chair opposite the Headmaster’s desk. It was months later, after midterms came and went. I was experiencing the effects of Max’s Expanded Intelligence for the first time: The euphoria. The incredible rush of potential. The moment that the gold coin slipped from my fingers and into the ether, the doors of perception and inspiration were opened wide.

  Max examined me, his most important test subject. “How bad is the physical exhaustion? I needed several hours of bed rest, and even Gideon was winded and needed to lie down.”

  I couldn’t seem to stop grinning. I said, “You and Master Gideon worked on something together? Is the world ending?”

  Headmaster Max snapped, “It isn’t the first time we’ve collaborated. Now answer the question.”

  I considered the sensation. It was like a hard trek through the snow, but at the end of it all there was a mug of heavily sugared betel nut tea. “Exhausting, but it’s worth it. And I feel light headed. Did you feel light headed? Almost like you were drugged?”

  The old mage seemed genuinely confused. “No. What kind of drug does it feel like?”

  “Good drugs.”

  Max snapped his fingers right in front of my eyes. “Sorch. Focus.”

  I asked, “Why are you calling it Expanded Intelligence? I thought it was going to be Max's Mental Magnification?”

  Max sighed. “I lost a bet with Hemitath and I’m not allowed to use alliteration any more. Now. Tell me how you feel?”

  I launched into an explanation of what was happening in my mind and body. I hardly remember any of the specifics, but Max took copious notes on the side effects. After about fifteen minutes, I felt like I could stand up without falling over.

  The old human paced behind his desk. “Alright, I’ll allow you to use the new enhancement for a trial period. Clearly it has species-specific side effects, and we’ll need to document them. Given the status of the other orc students, you’re the only suitable subject. For the moment.”

  I tilted my head, curiously. I asked, “For the moment?”

  Max smirked at me. “Yes. Your offspring is rapidly catching up, you know. Give him a year and he’ll be burning through your gold as well.”

  Again, time seemed to become meaningless. Until it didn’t.

  I stared absently at a small stack of gold coins on the kitchen table. “Toby? Why are you piling money all over the house?”

  My friend’s big bovine head popped out of his bedroom. “We’re teaching Janet how to count.” The minotaur’s calm baritone timbre made everything sound reasonable. If anything, becoming a father enhanced his already seemingly-infinite patience.

  I shook my head a little bit. “You can use copper for that you know.” I paused, then asked, “Toby, you do know how to change a diaper, right?”

  He laughed and then admitted, “No.” The minotaur’s head disappeared back into his room.

  I called out in the direction of the foyer, “Tara, surely Melflavin has invented some sort of amazing diaper-changing contraption? Your husband is hopeless, I fear.”

  Tara walked back into her kitchen, a set of merchant’s scales in her big hand. “If we had invented that, my temple would be an economic powerhouse. Toby is just going to have to learn the same way I did.”

  I looked up at the cleric as she set the scales down in the middle of the table. The minotaur priestess physically recovered from last year’s close encounter with a Disintegration spell, but there were some clear cosmetic after-effects. Her dark brown fur was soft, velvety, like that of a newborn calf. Her horns, once long and sharp, were now rounded stubs that measured barely a finger’s length. But in my eyes she was as beautiful as ever.

  I had been caught looking. My friend smiled at me and asked, “What do you see?”

  “Nothing. I mean, I was just thinking that you look great. Nobody can wear an autumn floral dress quite like you.”

  It was pretty clear to me that she caught my evasion. The six months after the battle with the Necromancer had been about managing pain, and just when she recovered fully, Janet was born. There were long periods of malaise and mild depression. But Tara came out the other side stronger than ever, happier than she had been in decades.

  She allowed me to avoid the subject, instead saying, “Yes, breastfeeding does help a girl to fill out a dress.”

  My cheeks turned a nice forest green as I assured her that wasn’t what I meant. Though she wasn’t wrong. Motherhood suited her well.

  Toby saved the day by stomping out of his room with a freshly diapered bundle of golden-brown fluff cradled in his arms. “Victory!” said the paladin. He brought little Janet over to see me, “Uncle Sorch i
s here. He wants to hold you.”

  And I did. The small minotaur was always well behaved for me, minus the occasional nose grabbing or hair tugging. She liked the way I bounced her in my arms, making these adorable little cooing noises designed to turn fully grown orcs into helpless baby-servants.

  Not that I was strictly needed here. My friends were excellent parents. Although they hadn’t given up travel all together, Toby and Tara stopped doing anything dangerous so that they could properly raise their child. When they did leave Ice House, the minotaurs split their time between helping Hemitath with the tribe, and rebuilding the Eastern Hook temple that we liberated for Tara’s church. At home, there was always the training of new paladins and clerics for the Order of the Snow to accomplish. And of course, being part owners, the minotaurs were the unlikely caretakers of the Spastic Vole when Ames wasn’t around and when the druid investors had other affairs.

  I stared into little Janet’s brown eyes, filled with curiosity and wonder. I heard a voice asking, “What do you see?” But it wasn’t Tara or Toby.

  I murmured, “I see the future.”

  That’s when a firm smack on the rump snapped me out of my daydreaming. “Hey. What do you see when you’re in your own head like that?”

  I grumbled a bit at the rude awakening from Ames. Back in the here and now I said, “A lot of things. Just then I was remembering a trip up to Ice House to visit the minotaurs and the baby.”

  Fuzzy arms wrapped around my chest and belly from behind. I leaned back into Ames’ warm figure. The feline said, “So good things, then?”

  I looked out on the ocean’s horizon. The faintest bands of yellow and gold started to appear off to the right, heralding the rising sun as we tacked North towards the main continent. “Yeah. Very good things.”

  Ames tucked that warm, whiskered muzzle into the side of my neck and watched dawn arrive over my shoulder.

  I thought about our own family’s recent history, though I didn’t leave the here-and-now to do so. Six seasons. That’s how long it took me to graduate from the Arcane University after destroying the Voodoo Engine. I was told by Gideon that there were several post-graduate roles available and all I needed to do was put in a request.

  But I missed this. Despite Rick and Will’s retirement, despite Tara and Toby’s parenthood, I knew that I wasn’t done with travel and adventure. Ames had waited for me long enough. I could tell that the non-stop political and intelligence work was wearing on the feline. The truth was, both of us were yearning for some action.

  Besides, Benno was in good hands over at the University. In fact, he was on pace to be the most advanced student under 16 years of age. I wanted him to have a normal University experience without worrying whether or not his dad would approve of his grades, or his social activities, or his course selection. So two seasons ago, I went back on the active roster for the Adventurer’s Guild. I made it known that I was only interested in missions alongside my were-cat. There were no objections.

  I made a slight course adjustment, putting the rising sun somewhat behind us. We were close to our destination now, and would need to tack a bit to get far enough West. It wasn’t a difficult task until one factored in amorous were-cats. A steady grip on the wheel and enough concentration to command Invisible Servants did not go hand in hand with sharp teeth nibbling at one’s ear or soft, warm paws creeping below the captain’s belt.

  The heartfelt groan that carried across the forecastle deck made both Ames and I jump a little. Our son asked, “Again? Aren’t you two going to get too old for that eventually?”

  We murmured insincere apologies for Benno’s benefit.

  The younger orc walked over and gently shouldered me aside. “Go, take your lewdness below decks. My watch was starting in a few minutes anyway. Remember, no breakfast, we’re eating with the guys in a couple of hours.”

  We headed down to our little cabin, where I cuddled my white furred feline until Ames fell asleep. I was completely fine with that outcome; teasing didn’t always have to lead to something more. Besides, it wasn’t like physical intimacy was lacking from our relationship. Something about these recent episodes and visions from the past reminded me of my passionate attraction to Ames. Every time we made love was like the first time. I joined my mate in peaceful slumber as our sturdy hammock rocked and swayed from the motion of the ocean’s waves.

  I woke to the kind of loud and rhythmic door knocking that could only be accomplished by a mindless Invisible Servant. I cursed under my breath and shook the were-cat awake. I suggested, “Let’s get decent and pack quickly. We need to help Benno dock this thing, and then I don’t want to be late for breakfast with Will and Rick. You know how busy they are these days.”

  The R. M. N. Taboo was provided military berth, and there were plenty of hands available to help our small crew secure the mooring. The three of us thanked the naval personnel for their assistance, and then hurried North to Limt’s Merchant’s Quarter.

  One of the unexpected side effects of becoming a more well known figure was creating a small amount of social equality. I no longer navigated Limt with my head under the hood of a cloak. Not that everyone approved. But I stopped caring so much about that approval, and the city guard made it clear that the mere sighting of an orc was not a valid complaint. Other orcs had also started to brave the city streets, particularly the bazaar area. It was a slow process, but observable.

  The Magic Shop was difficult to miss these days. In two years, it transformed from a medium sized and somewhat financially unstable establishment to one of the largest stores in the city. The old polished oak plaque still hung at the site of the original shop, but the word ‘Warehouse’ had been tacked on at the bottom. The old store was converted into storage space for the new establishment.

  Rick and Will took over the large corner property next door to their old shop. They purchased the property upon the retirement of the former owner Mr. Banas, a locally lauded instrument maker. Gone were three full showroom floors of pianos and violas, replaced instead by weapons, wands, and wonders. The catalyst for their success was consignment contracts. The partners simply intended to use those agreements to keep them afloat. Instead the arrangements became wildly popular with multiple caravan and auction companies South of Ice House. Although my friends still maintained some of their own stock, two thirds of what they sold was on behalf of other parties. Even the Adventurer’s Guild and the Arcane University got in on the act, each endorsing lines of magical supplies and products.

  As soon as the three of us crossed the threshold, we were inundated with the sounds of people talking and haggling. Benno led the way, being quite familiar with the layout from his extracurricular work placement activities. I counted no less than four staff members helping the dozen or so customers buying, selling, or consigning mystical goods and services. I marveled that my friends’ shop attracted this kind of crowd on a mid-morning early in the week.

  “Sorch, over here!”

  I craned my head around to find the speaker. I soon spotted Will, practically jumping up and down to get my attention. I felt a little pang of guilt when I noticed that he was waving his right arm in the air… the only one that he had left after sacrificing the other for me.

  But my small human bore no animosity towards me for his lost limb, and demonstrated his unconditional friendship with a warm bearhug as soon as I was in range. Real and artificial arm met behind my back as the little mage tried in vain to lift me off my feet. I laughed and returned the embrace, resting my chin atop his head. My friend’s dirty blonde hair was cropped very short these days. He looked quite professional.

  Ames and Benno also got hugged, though Will’s efforts were more sane and reserved in their cases. He flashed us a winning smile and said, “Come on, Rick got Benno’s message, he’s already cooking back at the apartment.”

  Mentally I kicked myself for not thinking of preparing a Max’s Message spell to give the humans advanced notice as to our exact arrival time. Luckily,
my son covered for me. Picking up the slack that I had left behind was something that Ames and Benno were doing more frequently these days.

  The warehouse, formerly the shop floor of The Magic Shop, was packed with crates, barrels, and bags. Will explained, “Everything that we receive is given a category and a priority. As soon as space opens up on the shop floor, we replace it with a similar item from stock. Perishables, as well as the University and Guild products, are kept downstairs. We still have an apartment upstairs, though most of the time we sleep at the Arcane University these days.“

  We mounted the stairs just in time to hear Rick comment, “And we still have an orc sleeping in the cot downstairs sometimes. But we went with the newer, smaller model.”

  Benno laughed at the taller human’s comment, and went over to squeeze the older mage’s shoulder as he slaved away in front of the stove. Rick flicked his green eyes down and to his left, then reached out to ruffle Benno’s hair even as his other hand deftly flipped fried eggs.

  I shared a surprised glance with Ames. I knew that my son was part of the work experience group that frequented The Magic Shop, but I had no idea that he was so close to Rick. Those little demonstrative gestures were something that I had never seen from the tall human.

  Our chef said, “Go ahead and set the table. We have rashers, eggs, toast, and fried tomatoes.”

  After several days at sea with little more than fish and preserved food, the fresh fry-up was a gift from the gods themselves. We devoured every greasy and buttery scrap.

  We talked about our recent outing, and the awful advice that Omi-Suteth had dispensed. The guys were in disbelief. Eventually they agreed with my assessment: Just go about our normal routine and keep our eyes open.

  As we were digesting, Will talked about the possibility of opening up a second location for The Magic Shop. Of the cities discussed, United Diben was the top candidate. Benno explained that he did some analysis with Rick as to the best location. The tall human nodded and absently patted my son’s shoulder.