Another Stupid Trilogy

by Bill Ricardi

  After the meal, the other two were kind enough not to ask me questions that I could provide no answer to. Instead, we discussed the outstanding issues. When Ames asked if the tribe would consider working with the Arcane University to discover the source of these disturbances, encamping in the valley near University grounds, Divine said she would talk to her people.

  The yeti said, “I do not distrust the source of this suggestion. Nor do I trust it. The priests and shamans will determine the veracity and viability of what has been proposed. But assuming this is the path forward, you would be surprised at how quickly and easily we can relocate. Objects, even those as heavy as the stones we use for our flooring and those as delicate as the distilleries we use for our fuel, can be transported downhill rapidly, and in bulk. It is possible. And more importantly, it is possible in the short term. Once we are situated, it would be our solemn duty to aid in your efforts.”

  Ames looked as relieved as I felt.

  Divine tilted her head again, which seemed to be a catchall expression of consideration, surprise, and amusement. She said, “I am quite encouraged that you little ones have been taking this situation so seriously. If our records are accurate, and I have no reason to believe that they are inaccurate, then this may be one of the most satisfactory responses to one of our inquiries or requests in the last four hundred years.”

  I didn’t really know what to say to that. So I went with, “Great!”

  The yeti seemed disappointed with my brevity. Nonetheless, she said, “Darkness is upon us. Little ones should not descend in the darkness, no matter how keen your racially enhanced sight may be. The darkness brings bitter cold, which is a danger that shouldn’t be underestimated. Stay the night, we will see you off at dawn.”

  Our rest was comfortable, if brief. At the crack of dawn, our escort was ready to see us off. They seemed to be confused when we told them that we were heading to the point where the plateau became a sheer cliff face. It wasn’t a very long journey, compared to what we had been through the day before. When we verified that this was the concave facing of the plateau, we thanked our escorts. They bowed slightly, as a unit, and then departed without a word.

  Ames peered down at the insanely long drop. “You’re sure about this? I have the ring as a backup if something goes wrong.”

  I assured my mate, “I’ve done it before.”

  The cat considered, “You might be about to become the fastest moving orc in the history of Panos. I’m not sure if I would set the record for were-cats, however.”

  I said, “You would be surprised at how were-cats can be transported downhill rapidly, and in bulk. It is possible. And more importantly, it is possible in the short term!”

  The feline stared at me. “So this is the game we’re playing now. We’re taking yeti quotes out of context.”

  “We are.”

  Ames smiled at me. Toothily. Sweetly. Dangerously. “In bulk you said? Are you calling me fat?”

  “N-no dear. That is to say-”

  But it was too late. The were-cat had already shoved me over the edge of the cliff.

  It took a couple of thrilling, terrifying seconds for my mate to catch up to me as we fell down the mountainside. Ames was facing straight down, like a diver that was planning their entry for the water below. I was far less graceful, cutting through the air like a plummeting elk.

  With a margin of safety in mind, I cast the Soft Fall spell on Ames. Any drain that I would have felt was overcome by the pounding of blood in my ears. Absurdly, I felt my Amulet of Enhanced Enchanting attune to the spell, as it was the first enchantment that I had cast that morning. The cat suddenly started to drift like a feather, and disappeared into the air above me.

  As the trees below grew larger in my vision, I invoked my second Soft Fall spell. My downward momentum was arrested suddenly, efficiently, and not painfully thank all the gods.

  My mate and I drifted towards the forest below, mentally preparing for the long hike ahead of us. I was also preparing for the report I would have to make when we got back to the Arcane University. Frankly, I wasn’t sure how Max was going to react when he was told that my body had been used by a voice that wasn’t my own. In a way I wanted to keep it from Max, and from Benno, and from anyone else who might worry or overreact. But the fate of Panos might be at stake. Now wasn’t the time to withhold.

  I heard Ames call from far above, “Try to find a level spot, I’ll follow you in.”

  I wasn’t going to be too picky. Like everything else in my life at that moment, I was just hoping for a soft landing.

  Chapter 8

  It was breakfast time at ‘The Spastic Vole’, and I had no idea where my son had gotten off to.

  In my defense, it would have been difficult to pick a two headed giant out of this crowd, never mind an orc. The restaurant was packed to the brim. Oddly, time of day wasn’t the primary factor for when the Vole would be crowded. Certainly we saw a surge of folks at dinner time, but we were far more populated whenever a caravan arrived. The flood of drivers and guards was likely due to several weeks on the road with the same preserved food and no… intimate companionship.

  In this case, the crowd was from multiple sources. The left side of the room was filled with rowdy caravaneers filling their bellies with ale. The restaurant, where Ames and I were currently seated, was host to those brave souls who just finished their night shifts in Ice House. So it was perfectly reasonable, given the chaos, that my son wandered off unnoticed in this bar and brothel.

  Luckily, we owned a high percentage of the place, so Benno couldn’t get into too much trouble. He sometimes took shifts in the kitchen, and with the rush of drinkers and diners, it was quite possible that the head chef drafted him for a while. My son’s Invisible Servants could wash dishes, mop floors, and provide a much needed break for the overtaxed staff.

  Ames saw me looking around again. The feline said, “He’s fine. He also knows the charter better than you do at this point. I need your head right here.” My mate tapped the small pile of documents that represented our next contract with the Adventurer’s Guild. I grumbled, but went back to reading.

  The date on the charter was late fall, 2720. That meant finals at the Arcane University were over, which was why Benno was able to join us once again. Reports from his professors were very positive. He was clearly the top student in his age bracket, and arguably the best young mage in the entire Arcane University other than Leeson. But my boy caught the adventuring bug, and he was very likely to test out next year in favor of a life on the road. I had objections to that plan, but I kept them to myself. Mostly.

  When Toby and Tara reached out to us about a Guild charter taking place in Ice House itself, we jumped on the opportunity. Not just because the entire family was available, but because the minotaurs had some explaining to do. Ames was put in charge, as the were-cat had the most free time leading up to the event. A gathering was called, and I was supposed to have read through the mission details well before now. But there was an enchantment that I was trying to perfect, using that lovely stone boat that Celestial created for me a couple of years ago. The last attempt might have taken. I would know in a few weeks.

  I shook my head to clear it, wanting to concentrate on the pages in front of me. I mostly succeeded. I had at least skimmed through the text by the time our big friends walked through the door. We stood as the minotaurs made their way through the crowd. Ames and I both received big, smothering hugs from our friends before being allowed to sit again. We already requested a pair of large, reinforced chairs for two of the Vole’s most popular investors.

  Ames asked, “Who’s watching the little one?”

  Toby rumbled, “My wayward wererat apprentice was late to training. Again. He’s got babysitting duty until further notice.”

  I blinked a couple of times at this news. I was all for breaking racial molds but I had to ask, “A wererat paladin? How is that working out?”

  My bovine friend snorted. “He’s amazing
ly devout. Just a bit scattered. And somewhat small of course, but there’s something to be said for speed over sheer physical presence. His blade and buckler work is something to witness. But that lad is a story for another time, I think. We should order food and discuss more important matters.”

  Ames poked me in the ribs, pointedly. “Such as.” the feline prompted.

  “Oh right. Such as Sorch’s Salt Company.”

  Tara’s eyes brightened at the mention of her favorite side project. “Oh, you’ll be happy to know that we’ve done very well in our first half year. We’re easily paying back our share of the loans for the new road.”

  Toby jumped into the fray, his voice just as eager as his wife’s. “We’ve broken into several new markets. The Southern Tribes of course, but also United Diben, Tatertown, and were going to have the stock to service our friends in Royal Moffit soon enough.”

  Before we could get a word in edgewise, Tara was speaking again. “We’ve negotiated a discounted rate with the Transportation Guild as part of our recently signed de-icing contracts covering areas around the colder Circles of Transport.”

  “And the advertising has been-”

  Before Toby could launch into whatever enthusiastic progress had been on the advertising front, I shouted over him, “Why didn’t you tell us about this company?!”

  Toby and Tara looked at each other, clearly confused.

  The cleric asked Toby, “Did you send out the first investor report?”

  The paladin shook his head. He said, “I thought we were going to combine it with the inception documents. Did we send those out?”

  There was a moment of silence as the copper dropped.

  Toby cleared his throat. As contritely as the minotaur’s silky smooth bass voice allowed, our friend murmured, “Ames, Sorch. We apologise sincerely for the mix up. Yourselves, Rick, and Will should have been kept up to date in a much more efficient manner. All five of us are equal owners in the company, and of course your input is important to us.”

  Tara’s voice was low and somber, “It was likely my fault. With the baby and all, I didn’t keep the records and missives as organized as I should have. From the bottom of my heart, I apologise.”

  Seeing how their expressions fell, Ames immediately let our friends off the hook. We didn’t want a shower of minotaur tears before our meal. The were-cat said, “Don’t worry about it. It sounds like you’re doing an excellent job managing things. Nothing for minotaurs to weep over, we trust you both implicitly. Just make sure to get word to Will and Rick? With their business taking off like it is, they’re going to be relying on your management skills for this salt thing.”

  The minotaurs promised to get a tidy summary together for everyone, and arrange a get together in Limt. Shortly after, our sugar and honey rolls arrived, and breakfast orders were taken. I ordered Benno’s favorite in his absence, scrambled eggs with sharp cheddar. I was confident that the lad would show up when food was at stake.

  As we waited for our food, the four of us went over the mission that the Guild laid out. An abandoned section of the eastern caves had been the source of recent disturbances. The first reported victim of these incidents was a surveyor from the local snake farming company. The halfling told his boss that he was going to see if this location was suitable for their expansion plans. He was never heard from again. His disappearance was reported, but the guard thought that he might have simply left town. The next week a couple of shady humans, who would normally have nothing to do with the law, wandered into City Hall. They looked stunned, and efforts had to be made to pry their story from numb lips. Apparently, two of their companions wandered too close to the mouth of the very same cave. They said ‘huge red hands’ reached out from the shadows and abducted their friends. There was some kind of surge of heat, then sizzling, and then terrified screams.

  The city guard shut down the two paths leading to these caverns and kept watch. They reported ‘strange and dire’ sounds coming from that direction, though there were no further sightings of anything. That was just a few days ago.

  The four of us agreed on preparations and a general plan of action, to be executed this afternoon. Soon after, our food and drink arrived.

  I glanced around, a little irritated now. “Where is that kid? His eggs are going to get cold.”

  Ames mentioned, casually, “I think they wanted him up on stage.”

  Tara and Toby both chuckled, but continued to eat. Neither of them seemed to think anything was odd about that.

  My reaction was different.

  “WHAT?!”

  People from nearby tables glanced over at the crazy, overly loud orc that just knocked over his chair in the process of standing up so quickly. I would have done the same, if that orc wasn’t me.

  I brushed aside the heavy wool curtains that separated the dining room from the stage area. I wasn’t entirely sure what my plan was, but I’d be damned if my son was going to be lewd in front of a bunch of strangers. Maybe I would storm up there and put a stop to things before they went too far.

  Sadly, they had already gone too far.

  There are some things that a father hopes to never see. I can attest that one of those things is catching an eyeful of your orcish son. Particularly when he was pole dancing for a cheering audience in all his naked glory. And quite clearly, demonstrably, enjoying it.

  I quickly turned on my heel and proceeded back through the dividing curtains. With mechanical precision, I righted my chair and sat back down. My mind must have shut down for a while, because the next thing that I remember, Ames was waving a fuzzy paw in front of my eyes.

  “Sorch. Come back to us Sorch. Breathe.”

  I reached out with a shaking hand to grasp my mug of cider. Half of it was gone in one pull.

  Ames’ expression was somewhere between concerned, smug, and amused. “I guess he never told you that he danced. This is far from the first time.”

  I saw motion out of the corner of my eye. It was Tara and Toby. Both nodding.

  I know I didn’t make much sense when I said, “So all of you… he’s been up there and… why didn’t you stop him?”

  The other three glanced at each other. It was Tara who spoke up, “He’s a grown man Sorch. I’ve been up there, and Ames of course. Although unlike your mate, my performance stops when the music does.”

  I looked to Ames, jaw working silently.

  The were-cat rolled their eyes. “No, he doesn’t take clients backstage.” Then a pause. “At least I don’t think he has. If he has I’m going to tan his hide.”

  I felt a little bit relieved that Ames was drawing the line somewhere.

  Until the feline finished the thought, “The house gets a cut when the dancers bed clients, and I haven’t seen a copper from him.”

  I looked around the table for some modicum of support. Toby was smiling silently. I would get no sympathy from him.

  Everyone else went back to eating, apparently thinking that there was nothing more to discuss. After my fatherly meltdown, I realized that I didn’t have a leg to stand on. Not only was Benno his own man, but he wasn’t doing anything that Ames hadn’t done. And I ‘approved’ of the were-cat’s activities, or at least accepted them. The only question left was why Benno omitted the pole dancing from any of our conversations; and frankly my recent display probably answered that question well enough.

  Suddenly Toby started laughing. Tara asked him why.

  “I just thought of a horrible joke involving Benno’s eggs getting cold.”

  Everyone else started giggling. I ordered another drink.

  ---

  As we finished our meals, I contemplated all of the parenting advice that I picked up over the last couple of years. I knew that it was important to set a good example for my son, and to let him know that I would do things differently. Then again, Benno would also be using Ames as an example of acceptable behaviour, and clearly the two of us held differing opinions on this particular matter. It was a moral quandary. A
fter some somber meditation, I believe that I came up with the best course of action:

  I would forget what I saw and never, ever speak of it again.

  We used the next few hours to make preparations. According to the letter of the law, we needed to seek the mayor’s permission to enter an area of the caves that had been deemed off limits. We also wanted to make sure that the Order of the Snow was aware of our activities. Should something go wrong, it was important that the matter wasn’t simply dropped, particularly when the safety of Ice House’s citizens might be at stake. Benno, Toby, and Ames went off to do those things.

  Tara and I went to the main offices of Serpentine Services, the snake farming company that lost one of their scouts. The human in charge granted us an audience immediately. He said that Sam was always cautious and well prepared. He was a family man, and not prone to stupid risks. The human shared the halfling’s preliminary maps and reports, filed just a day before he disappeared.

  Tara thanked the man, and then we made our way through the East Gate, entering the caves in the eastern mountains bordering Ice House. Unlike the West Gate, which was a series of caverns filled with corporate merchants and seedy rogues, the East Gate seemed almost boring. Everything was well signed and organized. I suppose when a city’s food production was at stake, the government was bound to get involved. The merchants here were primarily dealing in mushrooms, tubers, mosses, cave fish, and snake meat. A far cry from the gemstones, poisons, and exotic weaponry found in the western caves.

  With that in mind, I was still impressed by the sheer scope of operations. Even in the early afternoon, the East Gate saw tremendous foot traffic. Business owners, families, government officials, and tourists were welcome to wander the main and side caverns in search of ingredients for tonight’s dinner, or perhaps that perfect little snakeskin purse. It was a fairly peaceful place for people of all races to get their daily shopping done.

  Which made it far more alarming, of course, that three people were murdered just a couple hundred paces down a little side passage.