Magic Makes You Strange (The Brontosaurus Pluto Society Book 1)

by Noah K Mullette-Gillman

  The wrong spell!

  He had cast the wrong spell!

  As the two strangers and Romana watched, the long hairy monster began to emerge from the opening. Behind it Edward saw a pink and yellow haze. For a moment he thought he saw rocks and mountains in the distance, but then the view was blocked by the creature’s body.

  “That’s not what I meant to do!” Edward turned to Romana and shouted.

  The little whiskers that projected from the eye sockets were feeling around. When the woman screamed, they all turned towards her and then the monster did as well. Edward saw its body tensing. He could only think of one way to protect her.

  He imagined an inverted pyramid. He imagined a grey sun. He pictured a black dog. He remembered the shape Mandelesian had made with his fingers. He thought about the sound of running water pulling a rock away from the shore. And then he pictured the monster eating the old woman.

  She turned to stone.

  The teeth closed around the grey body and bit down. The monster made a grunting sound and let go. It turned and looked at her husband.

  Edward turned him to stone as well.

  “Am I next?” Romana grabbed him and looked him in the eyes brazenly.

  “No… of course not…” Edward was taken aback.

  “Then reverse the spell!”

  Edward felt like a complete idiot! First he had cast the wrong spell, and then he hadn’t even thought to just send the monster back!

  He reversed the spell. The monster pulled its long and brown neck back into the rift. It slowly disappeared into the hole, and then the opening shut.

  “What did you summon that for?” Romana shouted at him.

  “It was a mistake. I cast the wrong spell -”

  “The wrong spell! Holy cats! I’ve never heard of anyone that incompetent!”

  He walked over and checked the couple. They were petrified, but they didn’t look hurt.

  “Help me get them inside,” he said to her.

  She laughed sarcastically. “What’s wrong with you? Is this normal for you? You just turn anyone you want to stone and put them in the living room?”

  He really wasn’t thinking clearly. If she hadn’t said anything, he would have just marched her down into the basement and let her see all of the other statues. What was wrong with him?

  He held out his hand. “I’m Edward.”

  She didn’t reach back. “Whistman. Yes, I know. I’ve been through your pockets.”

  “Yes, I noticed. I appreciate your putting everything back.”

  She nodded curtly.

  “Look, Romana. I’m sorry. I feel like I’m going crazy. If I were to tell you everything that’s happened to me the last few days…well, it’s all so ridiculous! I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know this era. I didn’t even know about this kind of magic until a few days ago. Now I’ve got devils and aliens chasing me….and monsters show up when I ask them to!”

  She calmed down a little, “I guess you’ve been through my pockets too. Did you turn the devils to stone too?”

  “Two of them. The caterpillar ate the other one.”

  “That’s good, but we can’t stay here long. They’re going to send more to find us. Do you promise you’re not evil?”

  Edward laughed nervously. They smiled at each other.

  “Yeah, I promise. You?”

  “As far as I know.”

  * ** *** ** *

  Tres Horrendus searched the spaceship carefully. He could smell a Venusian and an Earth-man. This was very strange because the spaceship was from Pluto. No Plutonians had been onboard. The two of them must have stolen it. Were they escaping? That was interesting. They both smelled old-fashioned. It had been at least twenty years since either escapee had been on Earth.

  The devil would be long gone by now, but not the human. He wouldn’t be very far away at all. The time jump would be too big for him, too disorienting. Tres walked around for a few moments and smelled what he was looking for. There was a house nearby where a lot of magic had been done. It was also filled with rabbits. He laughed three laughs and began rushing forward through the trees and the bushes. He ran with two tongues out, tasting the air, learning more about his prey.

  There had been other devils in the area, and at least one Plutonian. He smelled a young girl and an animal from Venus. What had been going on in the town of Donaldson, Massachusetts? He made quick time through the brambles, laughing three laughs and humming, from time to time, in chorus.

  * ** *** ** *

  Edward and Romana stood in the front yard a little longer. Romana was examining the detail on the statues.

  “They’re amazing. If you could convince anyone that they were just statues, you’d become a famous artist.”

  “Yeah, but then the flying saucers would descend and steal us away again.”

  “Flying saucers?” She asked with confusion, not turning to look at him.

  “Yeah. The Plutonians.”

  She turned to look at him. “The devils come from Venus.”

  “And the aliens come from Pluto,” he added.

  “I think someone has been confusing you. The aliens and the devils are the same thing. They come from the planet of gas and fire and evil. You’ve seen it. Your monster comes swimming in from Venus. The mountains are there behind it.”

  “And where are you from?” Edward asked.

  “Earth. America. Virginia. You? England?”

  He nodded. “Wales originally, but yes. I was living in London when the aliens stole me.”

  “Wales? Your parents were fish?” She smiled at him.

  He smiled back politely, but was a little offended.

  He changed the subject, “How did the devils get you? Why did they-”

  She interrupted, “They wanted our magic. They’d been hunting us a long time. My grandfather and I had been hiding from them. They got him a month ago. Then they got me.”

  “Where were they taking you?”

  “Where else?” she sneered. “To Hell.”

  His eyes caught on the crucifix around her neck. “That didn’t protect you?”

  She looked at him, barely believing the question. “Since when has jewelry protected anyone? They don’t stop car accidents, or keep you from getting sick. They’re supposed to be for your soul.”

  “That’s too bad. I was hoping devils had a weakness, like the aliens.”

  “They are the aliens. Are you listening to me?”

  “I’m talking about the silver ones with the big heads. Are they the same as the red ones with the horns?”

  “You mean like in the movies?” She scoffed.

  He couldn’t believe her attitude. “You should know better than I do how serious this all is. No, not like in movies. Not like a game or a play, real silver men with giant heads. In my experience they’re much worse than the devils. You can deal with them sometimes.”

  “What do you mean deal?”

  “Well, we escaped the spaceship together,” Edward answered.

  Romana looked worried. “I don’t know about any silver men. I just know about devils. It seems to me they’ve been playing some kind of mind game with you.”

  “Why would they do that?”

  Edward was worried. Really he wasn’t sure what to believe. Something made him want to trust the girl, but was that smart? She was very pretty and he’d never met a young girl as bold as her. But those were reasons why he wanted to trust her, not reasons why he should. Did it make any sense to think the devils and the aliens could be the same creatures?

  “And what spell have you been granted?” Edward asked.

  She looked offended. “That’s my business. How… how long have you been a magician? Everything you know, or think you know, is just really weird…”

  Edward sized her up. She was younger than he was, but not by much. She was very pretty. Maybe he could make her his “beautiful assistant” if he ever got to perform on stage? In any case, she was the kind of girl who knew more
than most people, so she assumed she knew more than everyone. That was what he decided.

  “What if…” He pretended to be searching for the words, “what if…. you and I have each only seen a part of the truth?”

  “I’ve seen the black and ugly truth, stage magician.” Her voice got darker, “I’ve watched people die. You have no idea, what I’ve seen… what I’ve been through would turn your hair white.”

  She turned away, her throat getting thick. Edward reached out to comfort her, but she briskly slapped his hand away. They both stood there for a couple of minutes not talking.

  “So, what are we going to do with them?” she asked when she had composed herself.

  “Let’s put them in the living room,” Edward said seriously.

  Romana turned back around and looked at him angrily.

  Edward defended himself, “gently, obviously…”

  Romana sighed, and then set to work helping Edward get the first of the statues in the house.

  When they were done carrying the husband in, he made tea and brought it out to her where she was huffing in exhaustion on the red sofa. He set it down and went outside to bring in the second statue himself.

  The wife’s frozen face looked terrified. When he had turned her to stone, the Venusian monster was coming for her. She was afraid that it was about to bite her head off. Edward felt terrible for the old woman. In her whole life, she would have never have had a moment like that before. Edward had done that to her.

  He wiggled the statue across the lawn and then up onto the path. He set her down for a moment so that he could catch his breath.

  In the distance, he saw a short and squat figure approaching. Edward didn’t move, he just watched for a moment. The figure was very small, like a child, but he was heavy enough that he had to be an adult. He wore something funny on his head. It wasn’t a hat. It had more weight to it than that. The way the figure moved suggested purpose.

  He watched a moment longer. The figure got quite a bit closer. Edward could see that the man had three heads on his shoulders. Two of them were snarling and showing their anger. The third was cold and serious.

  He stepped backwards slowly, leaving the statue. Without taking his eyes off of the attacker, he reached back and opened the door. In a single smooth motion, Edward disappeared inside and shut it behind him.

  “What planet do the three headed people come from?” Edward asked Romana.

  She spat out her tea. “Why?”

  “There’s one of them running towards the house. He’ll be here in seconds.”

  She stood up. She grabbed the pitchfork. “We have to go. How can we get out of here?”

  “Should I summon the monster and have it attack him?”

  “He’d probably just eat it. That man outside is a very dangerous man. He’s destroyed my life. If he gets his hands on us, we’re done.”

  Her face had suddenly turned red. Her heartbeat was going much too quickly. Edward knew that she was really afraid.

  “I’ll talk to him.”

  “No!” she screamed. Her hands were in fists. Her face was contorted. For just a moment she reminded him more of a five-year-old than a teenager. “He’s going to eat us and take our magic!”

  Edward wanted to flash a daring smile and comfort her, but he just couldn’t. Her emotion was too powerful. He walked towards the door awkwardly and nervously. “I’ll talk some sense into him all the same. There’s nowhere for us to go.”

  “Jesus Christ! Edward! Do not open the door!” She shrieked hysterically.

  Edward might have listened if she hadn’t shrieked. That annoyed him. He’d never had patience for shriekers. Besides, she didn’t understand yet how charming and reasonable he could be. Hadn’t he managed to sit down and had almost civil conversations with both aliens and devils in the last few days?

  He opened the door - and Edward Whistman met Tres Horrendous. He had three heads. He was as short as a ten-year-old and he had three heads. He was fat and thick and greasy and he had three heads.

  The head to the left breathed with an open mouth, his fat tongue bulging out between his fat cheeks. There was green in the mouth and red and pink. His hair was black.

  The head on the right was emaciated and pale. Even though his mouth was open he breathed loudly through his nose – snoring with his eyes and mouth all open. His hair was blond.

  The head in the center had more of a look of calmness to him. If the others were animals, this head was a villain. He looked at Edward with maliciousness - not anger - but maliciousness. He made no attempt to hide a visceral desire to hurt him. He glorified in it. He radiated it like a sun of violence getting ready to burn the planets away. His hair was brown and filthy.

  It was only because of Romana’s unsettling outburst that Edward found the footing to play his part the way he meant to. He smiled affably, generously, as if he really were delighted to meet the three headed dwarf.

  “Good day to you, good sir!” Edward beamed theatrically.

  Tres Horrendous almost leapt straight onto him and buried his three jaws into the young magician’s pink flesh – but the unexpected moment threw him off guard. He hesitated.

  “Good…day...meat.”

  “Well this is a treat! I’ve met Venusians, Plutonians, and Virginians, but you! You must be from a special place far away, where dreams come from.”

  “Blow it out your ass! I’m from Manhattan!” The dwarf sneered at him.

  “Then I’ve guessed correctly!” Edward laughed, more at himself than the guest/attacker.

  The three-headed monster pushed the door open and forced Edward to walk backwards into the house. “I’m going to kill you now – kill you both.”

  He paused and looked around for a moment and then looked back at Edward. “I’m going to eat your bunny rabbits, boy,” he spoke with raw bile.

  Somewhere upstairs he heard Romana scream again, apparently overhearing the conversation. The monster must have heard as well. He smiled at the sound.

  Edward waved his hand in front of the middle head’s face and drew his attention back to him, “I don’t doubt you, sir. You have me vastly outnumbered. But before I go, I have been asked to deliver a message to you.”

  “A message?” The right head was the one who spoke this time.

  “Indeed. I am a dabbler, if you will, in matters of the great beyond. Sometimes, on very rare and important occasions, the spirits of the dead choose to speak to me – or through me. There was a woman, a very sad woman, who asked me to deliver a message to you personally.”

  “Is that right?” The right head asked, skeptically.

  “What did she say?” The left head asked gullibly.

  It was the left head’s reaction which Nevil Dever usually got when he played this con. Of course, Edward was no Nevil Dever, and Dever had never tried to play a three-headed monster.

  Of course, as he spun his web, Edward also had to figure out his endgame. Was he just trying to find the right moment to turn him to stone? Did he want anything from him, beyond that the mutant not kill him? How could he derive the most benefit from the interaction?

  Dever would have known what to do. Edward found himself spending quite a bit of his time recently pretending to be the magician. The truth was he was still just the apprentice. The fact that he now knew two honest-to-goodness spells didn’t change that. In many ways, what Dever was capable of doing was more impressive than what Edward found himself accomplishing.

  Dever would have been able to convince the three-headed monster that his mother was speaking to him from beyond the grave. There was no question. He would have been able to do it. He would have been able to divine her name. He would read the mark well enough to know what his insecurities and hopes were. Dever would have probably made the monster cry as he experienced a final faux-conciliation with a mother who had never loved him as much as he had wished. Edward didn’t have the skills to work that trick.

  He leaned his head back and began to spin it slowly,
as if he were in contact with the afterworld. “She says that she never managed to be the person she meant to be when she was alive. She wishes she hadn’t been so angry all the time. She’s sorry…”

  The three heads all laughed at his earnestness. They weren’t fooled for an instant.

  The middle head spoke, “You pretend at magic? That’s funny.”

  Edward suddenly felt boiling hot. His face burst out into sweat and he felt a compulsion to pull his clothes off. The three heads laughed all the harder as Edward fell to his knees and began gasping for breath. The air in his lungs felt like it came straight from the interior of an oven. His vision began to blur.

  It was a spell. The monster was cooking him alive!

  He heard Romana shouting, but couldn’t make out the words. He heard water. Maybe a fire hose? A few seconds later the ground was wet. The water was cool at first, but he felt it warming around him. Had Romana cast the spell? Was she trying to fight the three-headed man?

  She was going to end up boiling him like a lobster!

  Edward didn’t have many tools. He could have tried to turn the monster to stone. He could summon the caterpillar. He could try and fight him by hand? Edward didn’t fancy his odds.

  He closed his eyes. He pictured a long-necked reptile. It changed into a circle with a foot inside of it. He imagined the fancily drawn number four, then the weird looking flower, then the boat. The boat shifted into a simple rectangle. Finally he imagined a clockwise spiral. To launch the spell he concentrated on the feeling of the water beginning to boil against his knees.

  His hands began to scald as the air ripped and the monster came crawling back into the living room. It went straight for the dwarf and they began to wrestle. Edward forced himself up onto his feet, as much out of the water as he could get. He wiped his eyes. Watching the three-headed man and the serpent battle, he was amazed at the little man’s strength – he was winning.

  Romana came running down the hall. Her clothes were soaked, as if she had jumped right into a bath with them on. “Through the rift! It’s the only way!”

  Edward realized what she was doing. Romana was running straight at the pink tear the monster he had summoned had come through. Did she mean they were going to try and go to the place it came from?