Magic Makes You Strange (The Brontosaurus Pluto Society Book 1)

by Noah K Mullette-Gillman

  “You’re laying it on a bit thick.” Romana kept her arms crossed. “I’ve met plenty of you before. My family has been on the run from you for years. Well, you have us, now what? What’s the point of lying now?”

  “That’s exactly right, dear, what would be the point?”

  Romana still wore a silver cross around her neck. It reflected the firelight. Lenore noticed it. “You wear the symbol of Christianity?” She turned and spoke to another one of the devils, “You see how complete the Plutonians’ control over them is?” Lenore turned back to Romana, “Do you know where that symbol comes from?”

  Romana didn’t answer.

  “It started in Egypt. The Plutonians drove the magicians there crazy with magic, warped their bodies into monstrous shapes. A Plutonian King named Akhenaton introduced the concept of monotheism. The Egyptians rebelled, but the perversion passed on to their slaves. The slaves eventually became the people of Israel. Their book, your Bible, was written by the monsters of Pluto. They wanted to tell all of the people of Earth that they weren’t allowed to do anything which displeased their deity.”

  “Love thy neighbor was not a perversion,” Romana argued.

  “Humanity was very sick already to need to be told that. There was a time when no one was required to love, but love was in the air! Imagine being told to love - and that if you don’t love you will be put into a lake of fire, there to scream for all eternity! Is that love? Love is free, it cannot be threatened.” The devil sounded earnest. “If you saw devils before and they were less than kind, then those were not Venusians. I imagine you met the silver Plutonians in disguise.”

  “You lying whore!” Romana shouted.

  “Reclining,” the devil responded. She continued, “After Judaism, the Plutonians gave you Christianity and Buddhism, Islam, and all of the others. We never gave you a religion, never gave you a God; just gave you the means to speak with those you all already knew. Gods like Sky, Sea, Death, Birth, Woman… The indisputable Gods which require no more faith than believing in each other does. We mean you no harm, truly. You are free to come and go from here as you please. I’m glad that you now know the truth, even if it takes you some years to come to believe it. You’ve seen our world. You’ve walked through the ruins. We didn’t do this to ourselves. The monsters come from deep space, far from the source of all light.”

  “Edward, we need to leave.” Romana had made up her mind.

  “Oh, but of course you’ll spend the night?” One of the women next to Lenore said. Her voice was mellifluous.

  “No, we need to go. Thank you for your generosity.” Edward began to bow politely.

  “Well, that’s sad. Before you go, won’t you tell me something?”

  “Alright.” Edward straightened up.

  “What spells do you have?”

  “I…ah…I…I’ll share one with you.”

  Edward picked a fork up off of their dinner table. He stood it on his palm, so that the points were aimed at the sky. He took his other hand and waved it above the fork. “Now you all saw me choose the fork at random from your table. It’s just a regular fork. But in my hands, it will be whatever I want it to be.”

  His right hand was still a few inches above the fork. Edward began lowering his left, but the fork stayed motionless. He opened the space between his hands farther and farther, but it didn’t move. She looked at Lenore and smiled.

  The fork was levitating.

  She clapped, and all of the other devils in the room applauded as well. “A levitator. I haven’t seen your kind in many years.”

  Edward bowed. The fork stayed where it was, floating in the air next to him. “You are too kind.”

  He reached out and took the fork in a great theatrical motion. He handed it to Lenore. He smiled one last time, and then made a graceful exit.

  “Did you use a magnet?” Romana asked him as they walked away.

  “I used a string attached to the ceiling of the tent.”

  “But… how? When? I didn’t see you put it there?”

  “Of course not, I’m a professional.” He took her by the arm and pushed her away from the light of the fire. “We will need to move quickly and quietly if we want to get away. I’m sure they will follow us.”

  “So you knew that they were going to ask you to do the trick? When? This doesn’t make sense!”

  “I assumed they would. If I were a clown they’d ask me to tell a joke. They’d want a policeman to solve a crime. It was also the only way I could control the moment when we would leave.”

  14

  The devils weren’t visibly following them, but Edward and Romana had to assume that they were keeping an eye on where they were going.

  They moved very quickly in the darkness through the rubble and the ancient cobblestone streets. They had traveled maybe a mile or so when Edward realized that he had something unexpected in his jacket pocket.

  He didn’t immediately do anything which would give away that he’d noticed, but he became aware that the little cloven-hoofed devil which had led them into Lenore’s tent had hidden himself in his pocket!

  He could feel the hooves (or were they the horns?) from time to time pushing against his side. Before he gave it away, he took a few moments to consider why the little fiend would be there. Was he supposed to be a spy of some sort? That seemed very incompetent for devils. Was he planning on killing them? Edward’s instincts said, “No.”

  He found himself wondering what Nevil Dever would do. Would he just reach in, grab the imp and pull him out? Would he throw the jacket to the ground and stomp on it? Would he go on pretending that he didn’t notice?

  Romana spoke in a low and serious voice, “We need to find a place to hide.”

  Edward nodded. “Let’s keep moving. We need to get far far away, and then I’ll summon the monster. It will eat any devils it smells.”

  Romana looked surprised. “After the last time? I’m surprised you’d ever want to cast the spell again.”

  Edward chose his words carefully. He wasn’t really talking to Romana. He was playing to the man in his pocket. “If any devils follow us, they deserve their fate. I’m sure my monster will tear them to many pieces…”

  He felt a stirring in his jacket. The devil was frightened.

  Edward held his finger up to his lip, indicating to Romana that they had to be quiet. He smiled and pointed to the lump in his jacket pocket. Her eyes went wide with surprise.

  She mouthed the words, “The little devil?”

  Edward nodded.

  Romana quickly patted herself down, worried that she might have a stow-away or two. She didn’t.

  “Well, if the monster does catch them, make sure you don’t let him eat them by himself. I’d looove a nice devil steak!” Romana hammed it up.

  Edward moved his left hand away from his right pocket. Then, in a single lightning-motion too fast for Romana to follow, his hand swooped into his jacket and re-appeared holding the miniature demon. Edward was so fast that at first the little man didn’t even realize he had been pulled out. Edward had one finger pressed against the little red neck and his thumb tightly against the belly. It was indeed Septimus.

  The devil tried to speak, but found that he couldn’t. Edward had almost all the air cut off from his throat.

  He was holding his pitchfork when Edward produced him, but in his struggle for air, Septimus dropped it on the ground. Romana bent down and found the tooth-pick sized weapon between two rocks.

  “Oh ho! What do I have here?” Edward guffawed. “Romana, I am so embarrassed. I only have one man in my pocket. We’re going to have to share!” He lifted his finger ever so lightly, allowing Septimus to quietly answer.

  “I…I mean no offence, great wizard!”

  Edward rubbed his chin and pretended to think it over. “Do you want the top half or the bottom half? Or, I suppose we could just slice him down the middle. In that case, I prefer the sinister side, and you can have the right…Of course, cutting the tail down th
e middle might be a challenge -”

  “Eeeeee! No! Forgive me, mighty Edward! Spare me! Truly, I meant no harm… I…I just wanted to follow you home. I want to go to Earth.”

  “Why? So you can steal souls?” Romana demanded, holding his tiny little pitchfork.

  “Forgive me! Forgive me! No, beautiful Romana, I just want the good life. I want cars, television, David Bowie, McDonalds, Coca-Cola. I want to live in America!”

  Edward and Romana started laughing so hard that Edward almost dropped him.

  “David Bowie?” Romana asked.

  “He’s amazing,” the devil whispered, almost in awe.

  Romana and Edward studied him for a moment, deciding what to do.

  “If you just let me travel with you, I’ll leave you as soon as we get there… and… and I can make sure that no one from back at the camp follows us.”

  “Or… I could just squash you in my palm and rid the world of one devil?” Edward said in a surprisingly dark voice.

  “Edward?” Romana sounded worried.

  “Tell me what to say, tell me what to do so that you don’t kill me…” The Venusian said plainly.

  Edward smiled, devilishly, “I have a story in my head. It’s about Gods: Zeus, Neptune, Jesus… Who put it there?”

  “The Muses?” the devil answered cluelessly.

  “Could the Plutonians have done it?”

  Septimus wanted to nod, but Edward’s finger made that impossible, “They’ve done it before in history. That’s where the religions usually come from. They put ideas in peoples’ heads and then those ideas change the world.”

  “And what happens now?” Edward asked.

  “Write it down. I don’t know. Start a religion if you want. Ignore it. It’s just a story.”

  Edward loosened his grip. Slowly, he reached down and set Septimus on the ground. “Alright, so how do we make sure they don’t follow us?”

  “Assuming you don’t have any spells that are good for that? Well, the easiest way is just to go where they won’t dare follow. I can take you to either the hunting grounds of the Vulper beasts, or the lair of the Grokk. They’re each about the same distance. Do you have a preference?”

  Edward and Romana hesitated.

  Septimus continued, “Then, when we’re away, you can just cast your spell and take us back to Earth.”

  The two humans were at a loss for words.

  “Oh, for my sake! Please tell me you have a spell to take us back to Earth?”

  Edward spoke meekly, “The spell I used to bring us here seems to be one way.”

  “Alright, alright. See, it’s lucky you ran into me! I can get us back, but let’s be clear – I’m coming with you.”

  “Alright,” Edward and Romana both answered obediently.

  “Well, you’re going to have to let me ride on a shoulder or something, it’s a long walk.”

  “If you’re a good guest, I suppose you’ve gotten used to my pocket?” Edward offered. “But where are we going?”

  “You must have seen it. There’s an old shelter. A huge thing! The last building still standing from before the Plutonians bombed the city. There are a lot of secrets in there. One of them is an old spaceship. It’ll be tight, but we should be able to ride it back to Earth.”

  And so they started off back towards the dome. Septimus did ride in Edward’s pocket. He used his pitchfork to hold onto the button-hole and keep an eye out as they walked. He led them down the right pathways and through the right ruins to avoid being followed, as best as they could.

  By the time the three of them got to the shelter, the sun was rising. It was never clear in the sky on Venus. The yellow clouds were in the way, but the massive orb took over the sky as it rose. It was much larger on the second planet, because they were so much closer to the sun. The light of the rising sun cast shadows and shapes on the roof of the dome. It was nothing like anything on Earth.

  Septimus pointed to a different entrance for them to use. It was on the opposite side from the one they used the first time, and it was much smaller. Again, it was an arched opening, and not a door. The pink sand was undisturbed, free of footprints.

  He led them into the great building, up a spiral staircase into a higher chamber. The only light came in through the windows. They passed a number of arches, but Septimus told them to keep walking. They were getting tired and thirsty, but pressed on.

  When it got too dark to see, the little devil taught Romana how to use her pitchfork to create light. He did it himself, while still sitting in Edward’s pocket. There was no heat. It was just a dim red light. They couldn’t see a lot of the details of the ancient structure, but they were sure not to fall into any pits.

  “Hello! Is someone there? I’m ready to talk! Please just let me talk!” A desperate voice was calling out. It sounded tired and desperate. The plea echoed.

  Edward asked the devil, “What do you know about that?”

  “It’s not surprising they would have a prisoner or two in here. Or, it could be a trap. Personally, I’d ignore it if you want to be sure you get home.”

  The voice sounded old. It was hoarse. “Have some mercy, you devils!”

  Romana turned and began following the voice. Edward was only a few steps behind her.

  “You’ll be sorry if it is a trap,” Septimus chided them, “and it’s not a big ship. How many people do you want to fit in it?”

  They ignored him and raced ahead through the darkness. Romana’s pitchfork gave everything an evil glow. Their faces looked ghostly in the light. Their expressions looked menacing. It reminded them that they were on the planet of the devils.

  Down a long hall and around a thin curved hallway they found themselves in a room with a pool in the center. As they approached, some animal ducked beneath the surface in a very frog-like fashion. It made a splashing sound which surprised them.

  Beyond the pool, they heard the voice again, “Oh god! Are you two real! Oh, praise Jesus! This is wonderful!”

  They found the old man chained up against the wall. His clothes were in tatters. He had a wild afro and wild grey beard. He wore a pair of glasses. One of the lenses was cracked and the other was missing. He had a food bowl and a water bowl, like a dog. They were both empty and dry. He looked like he had been there a very long time.

  “Oh, humans from Earth, praise Jesus!”

  Edward had no problem opening the locks around the man’s ankles. When they were open he introduced himself: “Edward Whistman, at your service. This is my dear friend Romana.”

  Edward held out his hand for the man to shake. He didn’t seem to notice.

  “I’m Mr. Grell,” He said. He stood up shaking, and then dove for the pool where he started drinking ravenously and slurping loudly.

  “Where are you from?” Romana asked him, as he drank.

  “Newark, New Jersey. I’ve been trapped here for decades though, so maybe I’m from this room,” he managed in-between long slurps.

  “Why did they have you prisoner?” She asked.

  Mr. Grell stopped drinking, turned around to look at her. He pointed, then lowered his arm, then answered. “I’m a very dangerous wizard.”

  “Sounds familiar,” Septimus piped up.

  “Who’s that!?!” Mr. Grell was concerned.

  “He wants to get to Earth. He promised us a spaceship if we bring him,” Edward explained.

  Mr. Grell frowned. “I don’t like it. We should be burning devils, not bringing them to Earth.”

  “How do we know you’re not a Plutonian in disguise?” Septimus asked, cocking his head.

  Edward interrupted, “If he provides the spaceship, no harm will come to him.”

  “Fair enough, I suppose…” Mr. Grell seemed to be chewing on the thought. “How about you two? What brings you to Hell?”

  “We were running from a three-headed man,” Romana explained. “Venus just seemed to be the only place to go.”

  “Venus? Oh, don’t believe that. They say this is a pla
net, but it’s not. This is Hell. You ever read the Bible?” he asked her.

  “Parts of it.”

  “I didn’t read any parts in it about aliens on other planets. I just remember Earth, Heaven and Hell. This isn’t Heaven, and this isn’t Earth. Besides, if we were on Venus, we couldn’t breathe! Didn’t you go to school?”

  “This is the planet Venus.” Romana tried to assure him.

  “And the gravity? Venus is smaller than Earth, so we would be leaping around with every step!”

  “Well, we’d better hope it’s a planet because we’re going to be taking a spaceship home,” Edward interrupted.

  “I’ve been here a long time, boy, since before you were born.”

  “Probably not. I’m older than you’d guess,” Edward laughed.

  “Don’t you believe their lies. Satyrs, Satire, oh they lay it on thick! Devils are anathema to Jesus! You never hear them talk about Jesus, do you? No, that’s because they’re all damned. You’re smart, you’ll get them out of your life as soon as possible.”

  “Good advice,” Edward nodded in agreement.

  The group of four walked out of the dark chamber, and back to the path Septimus had led them along. They passed near a window and were able to see Mr. Grell properly for the first time. Edward noticed that he had golden hairs along his arms. In fact, they were unusually hairy… a moment later he understood what he was looking at.

  “What happened to your hands?”

  Mr. Grell stopped. Held his paws up and showed them to his new companions. He didn’t have human hands or arms. Instead, he had the body parts of a lion. “It’s just a little warping. I have some good spells and I used to like fighting. I cast them too much, and this is what happens. I guess, compared to some, I’m pretty lucky.”