Molesworth

by Geoffrey Willans

  Come on, St. Custards.

  That one, Postlethwaite, would have bowled Bradman.

  Unless the culprit owns up the whole school will dig the vegetable garden.

  This is not going to hurt me as much as it hurts you.

  Procul procul o este profani.

  He’s holding up the whole side is Dick 2.

  Your psycho-analyst may say one thing, Blatworthy, but I say another. And my treatment is free.

  Mens Sana in Corpore Sano.

  Facile Princeps.

  Usque ad Nauseam.

  Virtus in Arduis.

  No reference is intended to any master alive or half-dead.

  2

  BOO TO SIR

  or ARE MASTERS NESESSESSARY?

  (Four theorems by permission of pythagoras now apearing at garison theatre aldershot.)

  Masters are all shapes and sizes. Some are thin, some hav got an enormous pot on them some smoke cigs some smoke pipes poo gosh which ponk like anything and nearly ALL hav a face like a squashed tomato.

  PROPOSITION: All Masters are Weeds and Love the Kane.

  PROOF: The job of masters is suposed to be to teach boys lessons e.g. geog lat fr. div hist bot. arith algy and geom.

  Aktually most of them prefer BEER and PUBS. They are always late for brekfast not like keen alert boys who goble force poridge cereal with grate gusto and look scorn on masters pale yelow faces when they see a skool sossage. Then is the time to ask Would you like some cream sir? or Gosh look at my egg sir its all runny. (Manners.)

  Masters do not care for brekfast and hav to be driven in to lessons by the headmaster chiz. They then sa get on with the next exercise and go to sleep snore snore. Q.E.D.

  PROPOSITION: Warning. Some Masters are Keen.

  PROOF: Keen masters are usually super weeds with specs. They rush into the classroom rubing their hands with joy at the thort of lessons and make a dash at the blakboard. They sit on pins needles rat traps hedghogs etc without jumping chiz they are so enthusiastick that all should learn.

  Then is the time to ask Would you like some cream sir? or Gosh look at my egg sir its all runny.

  Keen masters get on with the job at once they sa: ‘Latin ex. forty-four a. Caesar where were we molesworth?’ i do not repli as am removing toffe paper under desk. Master then sa: ‘Where were we smith tomas matson one gillibrand two myers jonson jones until he go through class. Of course noone kno as Caesar is uterly wet and a weed.

  The thing about keen masters is that they are never discouraged. When you look at smith tomas matson one gillibrand two myers jonson and jones you could think they would put a gat or germ gun to their heads. But they do not chiz and all boys DRINK AT THE TREE OF KNOLWEDGE hem-hem i do not think. Q.E.D.

  PROPOSITION: Masters Are Swankpots.

  PROOF: Wise boys like me use FLATERY with masters from time to time e.g. When a master hav a new pair of shoes which is not often heaven knos molesworth 2 always sa About time too then run away.

  My method is this i sa Oosir goshsir pleezesir what a super tie sir. The master repli Do you think so molesworth. You may stop your deten and pla foopball after all. WIZZ! SUPER!

  Masters can often be tempted by this way to talk about wot they did in the war.

  Masters hav always been brave in the war and it is a wonder they hav not all got the VC for capturing hitler holding the bridge etc. In fact if all the masters did wot they sa they did its a wonder we did not win the war in 1940.

  Still it is not bad acktually as during a bit of parsing or drawing a map of Spane you can just look up and sa.

  ‘Did you hav a tomy gun during the war sir?’

  ‘Get on with your map molesworth one.’

  ‘No but did you sir really?’

  ‘As a mater of fact i did molesworth.’

  ‘gosh sir did you shoot many germans sir.’

  ‘Get on with your map, boy.’

  ‘No sir but did you?’

  ‘Altho it hav nothing to do with the lesson i got 9 thousand with one burst once…etc.’

  The master will then go on for twenty minutes telling the class how he won the war etc just like pop who was only in a weedy ack-ack brigade near chislehurst with a lot of soppy Ats and mum sa never hit an aeroplane in his life.

  Occasionally master’s story is ruined by ass like gillibrand whose pater is Major general sir gustave godolfin gillibrand who ask: ‘When you led your men forward in the hale of fire sir was that not tacktically unsound in view of the enfillade fire from numbers two and three German patrols.’

  Or perhaps molesworth 2 zoom by he is pretending to be a meteor jet and he sa Able baker calling i bet a million trillion pounds sir never saw a german at all. Able Baker out. He then go ah-ah-ah-ah-ah with machine guns and sixteen chickens and skool dog bite the dust he is a weed. Q.E.D.

  PROPOSITION: Masters Are Sloppy And Like Gurls.

  PROOF: Masters not only like BEER some hav fotos of Gurls hem-hem like bety grable in their rooms. In fact instead of thinking of NOTHING which is wot most masters do they look more dopey than ever they are in luv. That is all very well they hav got to hav something in their lives besides Caesar pythagoras and other weeds but i ask you wot could any GURL see in a master? Especially one like bety grable? Q.E.D.

  They hav got to hav something in their lives besides Caesar pythagoras and other weeds.

  Know the Enemy or Masters at a Glance

  I cannot keep order.

  The boys all look on me as a friend.

  I am hoping to get a job in the colonial service somewhere.

  I am keen on the latest developments in education.

  I advise you strongly not to start ragging me.

  You may think I’m soft but I’m hard, damned hard.

  Mr Chips? No such character ever existed.

  And when I asked him the supine stem of confiteor the fool didn’t know.

  I may not know much but I am jolly good at football.

  No. The spirit of tolerance, you fool.

  The crested grebes are mating!

  I am still hoping for a job in the colonial service somewhere.

  I was sent by the agency at the last minute before the term began.

  A joke’s a joke chaps but don’t go too far.

  I have been here thirty years. I have always said that and do not intend to change now.

  Of course the fellow doesn’t realize he’s a typical schoolmaster.

  3

  A TOUR OF THE CAGES

  or MASTERS ONE BY ONE

  1. ENGLISH MASTERS

  English masters hav long hair red ties and weeds like wordsworth throw them into exstatsies.

  They teach english e.g. migod you didn’t ort to write a sentence like that molesworth. For prep they always set an essay if they can think of one. In the good old days it was always something like:

  What i did in the hols.

  A country ramble.

  A day at a railway station.

  Now english masters are ADVANCED chiz and kno all about t. s. eliot cristopfer fry auden etc. etc and they read them so beatifully they make fotherington-tomas blub he is a sissy, and not worth a d. For essays english masters give us weedy things like –

  A trip in a space ship.

  my favourite machine gun.

  what to do with masters.

  you see wot i mean in the old days you knew where you were but now they are trying to read your inmost thorts heaven help them. Anyway you hav to write them so as ushual boys are ground benethe palsied heel of mummers (auden.)

  When english masters canot think of an essay they set ten lines of Peotry.

  PEOTRY

  Peotry is sissy stuff that rhymes. Weedy people say la and fie and swoon when they see a bunch of daffodils. Aktually there is only one piece of peotry in the english language.

  The Brook

  i come from haunts of coot and hern

  i make a sudden sally

  and-er-hem-er-hem-the fern

 
to bicker down a valley.

  that is the lot tho the Charge of the light brigade and the loss of the royal george are nearly peotry too. Even advanced english masters set THE BROOK they sa it is quaint dated gejeune etc but really they are all in leag with parents who can all recite it. And do if given half a chance.

  Even gillibrand’s pater General sir gustave godolfin gillibrand sa THE BROOK is tip-top and commend it to his men before going into batle insted of RUM. Not a bad wheeze acktually but i would hav an english master in front instead of a piper. In all the bulets, wams, bonks and xplosions no english master would escape his fate.

  Sometimes we hav to recite which is girly in the extreme and there is no chance to read famous CRIB which you copied out in prep.

  when i recite it is something like this:

  Tomow and tomow and tomow

  Um ah um ah

  Tomow and tomow and tomow

  Um – ah creeps creeps in the last syll—

  No!

  Tomowandtomowandtomow

  A ROMAN marching into Gaul.

  Creeps in this um um

  Out!

  OUT!

  brief candle

  Yes i kno sir half a mo sir

  Yes

  fie

  O fie!

  Um um tis an unweeded syllable an un—

  No!

  Tomowandtomowandtomow etc.…

  In other words quite frankly i just don’t kno it.

  Also quite frankly

  I COULDN’T CARE LESS

  What use will that be to me in the new atomic age?

  Occasionally english masters chide me for this point of view o molesworth one you must learn the value of spiritual things until i spray them with 200 rounds from my backterial gun. i then plant the british flag in the masters inkwell and declare a whole holiday for the skool. boo to Shakespeare.

  So much for english masters.

  LITERRARY CORNER

  A book for the hols. ‘Rob Roy’ by Charles Dickens. (Grabber & Grabber 6s.)

  To judge from the first page which i hapned to see by mistake this is something about a small boy who had to climb chimneys. Acktually i would hav thort this was quite super as you get black but this one seemed to be rather sorry for himself. On page 5 there is a pressed leaf and on page 77 some orange juice i spilt while the book was acting as part of a fort. There seemed to be something about some water babies or something soppy but i don’t really kno. i supose he must hav climbed the chimney to rob roy but this is only a guess.

  o molesworth one you must learn the value of spiritual things.

  2. LATIN MASTERS

  Latin masters teach lat. which is different from eng. geom algy fr and others becos it is first period after break. (imagine puting lat. of all things after coco and buns they ort to give us indigestion tablets which FIZZ like mum hav with a hangover)

  If you wake up for long enuff you find that everything in lat. hapned a long time ago. Latin masters therfore are always old and bent with age. You can hear there footsteps a long way off thump thump shuffle shuffle and can put all sweets bludgeons dagers, coshes swords white mice cheese marbles or whatever is hapning to engage your fancy back inside the desk.

  Latin master finally make grate heave and toter towards desk you would think it was mount everest. Will he make it? Effort! He sits in the chair panting.

  THE LESSON WILL COMENCE

  Open hillard and botting turn to ex ia section 2 sentence 6.

  If latin masters are slo starters, once they get a latin ex. they go like a jet rocket, in fact you would think they were runing in the darby like tulyar only faster chiz.

  They sa: ‘The gauls – galli – subject – go on molesworth oppugnant – what does oppugnant mean – they are atacking fossas. Ditches. What did you say molesworth? Why on earth atack a ditch? Keep your mind on the sentence. The gauls are atacking the ditches. What? I am quite unable to inform you molesworth for what purpose the Gauls wished to attack the ditches. The latin is correct. That sufices.

  We proceed. sagittis. What’s sagittis molesworth what case come along boy – sagitta sagitta sagittam first declension – with arows by with or from arows. What is that? molesworth for the last time your opinion that it is soppy to atack a ditch does not interest me. Or what you personally would do with an arow. nor do i kno where the bows are. Likewise the question of whether there was buckets of blud is immaterial. The gauls are atacking the ditches with arows – telisque – telisque, molesworth?…

  Aktually the trick is to look dopey and then the latin master will do all the translation himself.

  Latin prose is difrent. It is either about a weed called Cotta who is always beating the Belgians or about Romulus and Remus who are a couple of babies who founded the city of Rome chiz if only they had abstained there would be no lat and no one could sa hunc hanc hoc without being put in a sty with the skool pig and rightly too. Anyway latin masters would be out of a job if there was no latin so they keep it going.

  All latin masters hav one joke.

  Caesar adsum jam forte

  or

  caesar had some jam for tea.

  n.b. a good roare of larffter will cut the leson by two minits six seconds or half a gender rhyme a ab absque coram de palam clam cum ex and e etc. wot rot eh i mean to say?

  3. FRENCH MASTERS

  Acording to ancient tradition no fr. master can keep order.

  Whenever a french master apere in the doorway it is a signal for hale of ink pots rubers chalk and stink bombs poo gosh. The fr. master then loose his temper and sa:

  mon diue canaille allez-hoop

  or

  my god they’re at it agane

  n.b. if the fr master is english this amount of french is ushually beyond him. he sa:

  turn it up 2B now now turn it up

  (tournez-le dessus maintenant)

  Acktually fr. masters seldom get a chance to sa anything either in eng. or fr. But sometimes the boys are exorsted with raging and glad of the rest so the fr. master speaks. He speaks then of M. Dubois who is uterly wet.

  M. Dubois is tall, thin and weedy: he wears a bowler hat and is very respectable. Sometimes he is in the kitchen with Mme Dubois. Sometimes he is taking Rose Amelie Fifi and the little dog TouTou for a promenade in the gardens of the luxembourg. Sometimes he is in the garden and sometimes he is smoking a pipe in his study. In fact, the felow never does a stroke of work. In the afternoons he is back in the gardens of the Luxermbourg pointing out plants and pigeons. He eats his dinner and goes to bed

  After M. Dubois comes Armand (lesson 5 du dela des).

  Armand is a small boy who wear a striped shirt and a round sissy straw hat like a girly. One day Armand is eating his breakfast when his father sa Toda we go for our holidays au bord de la mer. Armand is thrilled he sa O Papa are there flowers by the seaside you can tell the sort he is. in any case there must hav been something wrong if they only told him he was going to dieppe in the morning.

  Armand sa: ‘May I take my buket and spade, Papa?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Papa, ‘and your windmill.’ (You see?)

  ‘How shall we go to the station, Papa?’

  ‘Yes I must hire a cab. On arriving at the station i shall pay the driver then i go to the guichet and buy our tickets. The porter will take our bagage to the compartment. In the compartment are two ladies, three dirty old men and a postman who is smoking a pipe.’

  ‘Are there boats on the sea?’ asks Armand so you can see that i think Papa is only taking him to dieppe in order to drown him.

  There is also another character called papa rat. He is always eating cheese. He loves cheese. Mama rat loves cheese too. They hav ten little rats who love cheese. In fact, the whole business is unspeakably sordid.

  a signal for hale of ink pots rubers chalk and stink bombs.

  Finaly there is loptimisme and pessimisme which is pierre et jean who spend all day looking out of a window. Jean looks out of the careau bleu and sa helas il pleut the day
est sombre. Pierre looks out of the careau jaune and sa Houp la le solay brillent. Aktually they are both wrong as acording to the pikture in my book there is a thick fog due to rubbing out rude saings with bungy.

  All fr. masters hav a joke too if they manage to shout it loud enuff.

  Je suis i am a pot of jam

  tu es thou art a clot etc.

  n.b. with a fr. master this roar of larffter can be xtended safely for as long as five minits or more. This can be xtended when peason hav his famous fit of hystericks when he put fruit salts in his mouth and fome as he fall writhing to the ground WIZZ. The whole form then help him to matron leaving the fr. master with fotherington-tomas papa rat M Dubois, Armand and PEACE reigns agane.

  4. MATHS MASTERS

  The above is what maths masters thrive on and explanes why they are so very stern strict and fearsome. noone in a class ever stirs as a maths master approche you can hear a pin drop and no wonder when you think of the above sum which is enuff to silence anebode.