Molesworth

by Geoffrey Willans

  In the midst of all these sordid transactions molesworth the magican switches off. His mouth open his plate fall out doodlebugs fall from his hair he rev the engines up and take off into the ether for another daydream.

  PAS DEVANT L’ENFANT

  GUIDE TO FRENCH BY

  GROWN UPS

  av-ez voo ach-et-ay le gin?

  VOTRE PERE est absolument la derriere.

  av-ez vu lu ce cas dans le newsoftheworld

  voo-voo soo-ven-ez de la scan-dale de mrs higginbotham?

  ce sacre cochon d’un menager de la banque.

  Quand attend-ell le bebe?

  WITH MOLESWORTH THORTS

  have you bought the gin to replace that which we inadvertently finished last night?

  (m. thinks: i prefer the other brand reelly)

  Your father is the absolute rock bottom.

  (m. thinks: the old music hall jokes how true how true)

  hav you read that shocking case in the news of the world?

  (Thinks: stale old bird.)

  You remember the scandal about mrs higginbothom.

  (m. thinks: only too well only too well. Look at her husband you have to make allowances.)

  That hem-hem (swearing conduct mark) of a bank manager.

  (m. thinks: i don’t kno why all this fuss about bank managers. They are only doing their job. thriftlessness brings pane in its wake.)

  When is she expecting the baby?

  (m. thinks: in about 3 weeks.)

  Gabbitas and Thring trap a young man and lead him off to be a master

  8

  EXTRA TEW

  No one but skoolboys kno what extra tew is extra lesons for bakward boys which keep aged masters out of the dog’s home becos they get paid for it and so they should. Most extra tew is about subjects you don’t kno e.g. lat. fr. algy. geom. hist. geog. bot. div. arith. But sometimes there is extra tew in littleknown subjects which are likely to be of advantage in that snug nitch in the foreign office hem-hem which is your pater and maters ambition for their hansome nigel ho ho look at me. This kind of extra tew is very special and include german, Scandinavian literature, deportment, debrett’s peerage, ruffs guide to the turf inter alia as we sa at brekfast. I hav never really had extra tew but i hav my spies and this is what goes on.

  SPANISH

  Nobody kno much about Spanish except the Spaniards whose beards are all singed and they are very proud and like sherry just as some others about this place whose names i will not mention. All this is the reason why you hav to lisp when you speke Spanish which make it all very dificult.

  thene: A hathienda. Enter don jereth de la frontera moleth-worth.

  A THERVANT: who ith it?

  DON JEHETH: it ith only me ith ithabel ethpecting me ?

  A THERVANT: Yeth.

  DON J.: O thuper!

  (he folowth the thervant)

  ithabel! my thoul-mate! ith there any therry in the house?

  ITHABEL: yeth. pour out 2 slugth and i will thip with thee.

  DON J.: thplendid! good thow! Cheerth! Over the fallth.

  (he drinkth) What ith that thound?

  ITHABEL: Thantoth it is my bro Thantoth thipping his therry. He ith thupping with uth.

  DON J.: (thwearing) Curseth!

  That is the sort of thing which hapens with Spanish and anyone who decide to kno about it is a fule.

  RUSIAN

  How many days till the end of term, o molesvitch 2? Some sa 20, others 90, little bro, is the fruit upon the aple tree in the orchard? Only the blosom so you will hav to wait a month or two before you can pinch them o measly weed it is 2006 miles to Moscow. Who cares sa fotherington tomas from a corner of the room where he hav been trussed up who cares a row of butons. i love only robins. Unless you love robins father christmas will not bring you any presents. A volley of shots ring out. WAM! 900 robins bite the dust. That only leaves father christmas, i sa, how flat life is . . . . . .

  The swots tell me that rusian used to be like that chiz but it is all diferent now everybode is joly and at xmas time just when you are deciding whether to ask for a motor bike or a platinum watch an xciting envelop is pushed through the leter box.

  ‘How thrilling,’ sa molesworth 2 the youngest of the kiddies. ‘What can it be?’

  ‘It feels thrilling!’ i sa coyly just like the weeds in chaterbox. ‘It may be a tiny toy from aunt drusila our very xciting aunt from north wales.’

  ‘Sometimes i think she is too xciting, dear nigel,’ sa molesworth 2 pensively. How jolly our xmas hols will be. Let us take the envelop to dear Mama and Dada.

  So saing he imprint 3 huge finger prints from his hary hand and skip awa to the kitchen folowed by his larffing elder bro. Dada is washing up in the sink Mama is peeling potatoes Liza dear fatheful liza the maid is smoking a cig over a cup of tea.

  ‘Mama mama’, the 2 sturdy little felows cry, ‘Open our leter. Please open it.’

  Mama do as she is bid having put the potato knife out of temptation’s way. This is what she read:

  ‘How nice of Mr Malenkov!’ cry Mama. ‘Of course you can go!’

  ‘And may i wear my velveteen breeches and lace colar, mama?’

  ‘Wow!’ lisp wee molesworth 2 turning a somersault and the whole family join in the harty larff when he end in the dog bowl. Even towser bark but that was becos molesworth 2 had pinched his bone.

  At last the day come and the 2 little chaps drive off to the Kremlin in their best suits. You can imagine what they look like. Mr Malenkov stand beaming on the steps and waiting behind him are lots of kind uncles. You can imagine the fun they all had with the tommy guns before the sir roger de coverley start: the air is thick with cordite.

  Molesvitch

  ‘Children children,’ sa mr malenkov. ‘Not too rough before the musical chairs.’

  And so with flushed hapy faces the children join in the fun until it is time to go home.

  ‘Come along any time,’ said Mr Malenkov, as he sa goodbye, ‘and I will take you both for a ride.’

  That is about all there is to rusian but i supose it is more than enuff. Personaly i cant stand parties which hav dancing and eton colars and GURLS ugh. There seems to be some point in a party like that but it is too much to hope we can hav one at our home chiz. rat-tat i have 3 leters for ermintrude if she will come outside and get them BAM BIFF WALLOP folowed by SILENCE. i wouldn’t mind paing a forfeit for that.

  ADVANCED MATHS

  All maths is friteful and means O but if you are a grate brane you hear a tremendous xplosion at about the fifth lesson in trig. This mean that you are through the sound barier and maths hav become what every keen maths master tell you it can be i.e. a LANGWAGE. in my view this is just another of those whopers which masters tell i mean can you imagine peason and me at brake:

  MOLESWORTH: (taking a hack at the pill) x2 × y6 = a

  PEASON: z8—x3= b

  MOLESWORTH: (missing completely) O, y99!

  As you will see it simply will not do i am prepared to believe that a strate line if infinitely protracted go on for ever tho i do not see how even that weed pythagoras can tell. But if maths is a langwage i hav only one coment. It is

  I think that setles the mater.

  MUSIC LESSONS

  Kno Yore Instrument. This is the skool piano you kno the one which go WAM PLUNK BISH BASH ZUNK. It is a cranky old grid made by an old german called B.ch..ei. co....ldb..rg. As you will see it hav a pair of brass flamethrowers and a bubble for a rear gunner. The loud pedal droped off when molesworth 2 pla ‘fairy bells’ and hav never been seen agane. Inside there are a lot of old marbles, cig cards, toy soldiers and dead goldfish. There are a lot of wooden things which tap up and down. I think that if it hav a rebore and new piston rings it would be a snip.

  The Lesson. It is easy pappy to be a grate player like molesworth 2 all you must do is recognise the notes. The fat ones you hav to hold for 4 secs. These are minims. There are a lot of weedy ones called quavers but it is difficult to get the
se in. There are also crotchets. I do not think anyone know this xcept mrs curwen. i can only tell you that if you get the whole lot of minims crotchets and quavers mixed up together it is like an atomic xplosion cheers cheers cheers.

  The Position. You canot pla the skool piano unless you are adjusted at the right height. You can sit upon a stool and zoom to the right. This takes you up through the lathes hats, hardware, toys and a few v. unsavoury sort of places until you canot get any higher. If you go the other way you go round and round at 90 m.p.h. until you are too giddy to see. When you are like this music mistress lay you out with a hamer and all is peaceful.

  The Choice. Wot will you pla? Fairy Bells ripling brook spring dances or scotish capers. You hav a long way to go before you can swing chiz like the last music mistress who was lost without trace when piano xploded.

  WAM now nigel pla low C Bonk candlestick shoot into air BISH swing it baby swing it BASH PLUNK ZUNK. Give it xpresion it is a brook. La-la-la and a one BUNK two ZUNK 3 PLUNK – la-la-la the left finger. THE LEFT la-la-la – – well, eh, you see wot i mean? 3 trillion boos to tchkovsky.

  9

  HOW TO BE TOPP IN

  ALL SUBJEKTS

  The Molesworth Self-Educator

  Directions. Take pencil in the right hand, revolve three times with eyes shut and DAB. You are bound to be right sooner or later.

  The Molesworth Bogus Report

  Directions: Fill in the name and post on first day of hols. Destroy reel report when it comes along.

  10

  HOW TO COPE WITH

  GROWN UPS

  Grown ups are wot is left when skool is finished. Masters are not really grown ups they are ha-ha just spoilt children who hav to hav their own way. You kno where you are with them. One is strict another wheezes through his false teeth, a third teaches geom and a fourth teaches Less than O he just wanders about.

  It is not the same with Grown Ups who were always perfect when they were young. e.g.

  WHEN I WAS A BOY I WOULD NOT HAV DARED TO SPEAK TO MY FATHER LIKE THAT.

  Well, you kno what this means becos obviously this is what really hapned to your pater.

  Scene: An old stone breakfast table about 1066 A.D. Your pater, then known as litle Cedric, is sitting down to his groats poor little dear when the old man Horible arive breathing through his beard.

  HORIBLE (rubbing his hands): Good morning, good morning, good morning. What mammoth agane?

  SPOUSE: It is very nice, my dear. Shall i pour you yore BEER?

  HORIBLE: Yes, yes. Goodmorning, Cedric.

  CEDRIC: YAR boo and sucks.

  SPOUSE: Do not speak to your father like that, Cedric, or you will go strate to your cave. Hav you finished your groats.

  CEDRIC: Yes, Mama.

  SPOUSE: Then get on with your egg. And stop playing with the brontosaurus at breakfast.

  HORIBLE: Yes, stop playing with the bronto –

  SPOUSE: Don’t buly the child let him get on.

  HORIBLE (meekly): Yes, my dear.

  (A pause while HORIBLE opens the newspaper and the brontosaurus springs across the table.)

  HORIBLE: We are losing the test match, Cedric. Gaul hav made 2900 for 2.

  CEDRIC: So what?

  HORIBLE: i only –

  CEDRIC: You are a sily old man who couldn’t lift a cucumber.

  HORIBLE: i –

  CEDRIC (chanting): Silly old daddy couldn’t hurt a flea.

  SPOUSE: Stop interupting and playing with the child. For heavens sake let him get on with his egg.

  CEDRIC: Yar yar yar.

  (The brontosaurus springs at HORIBLE’S plate and eats his mammoth. In despair HORIBLE go to the office.)

  So you see how it was.

  Maters hav a diferent approach and they are very keen on maners ect which include not throing bungie, making lakes of treacle in the porridge, flicking bread pelets at molesworth 2 grabing the sugar, slashing gravy rivers through potatoes, reading the back of your pater’s Times, imitating a baboon, striking your next door neighbour ect ect.

  In fact you are xpected to be xactly like wee tim especially when mater’s grate skool friend mabel entwhistle (prothero that was) pay a visit with her tiny dorter chiz chiz chiz. On that morning all boys cats dogs parots sparos and owls are turned into the garden while house is polished and mabel entwhistle’s foto is brought out of the boxroom. Boys glue their noses against windows and are finaly admited.

  ‘Do not the house look luvly, nigel,’ sa yore mater.

  ‘But it never look like this reely it is just an empty facade.’

  ‘O.K.,’ sa yore mater. ‘But let’s keep it that way, see? Otherwise there’s liable to be trubble. Look at yore knees.’

  i do not kno why boys are always told to look at their knees it is dashed dificult. In fact the only way is to lie on yore back and pull yore knees up. Maters, however, are liable to get batey if you do this in the sitting room just before ma entwhistle arive becos they see wot is on the soles of yore shoes. Too repulsive, my dear.

  Procedure. Ho to the bathroom. Out flanel and wipe geting most off. Brush front of hair and leave back. Gaze in miror at yore strange unatural beauty. Report hopefully. Back agane. Scrub nails. Leave tap runing and soap in bottom of basin. Sa look at ickle pritty to molesworth 2 who hav to put on blue corduroys cheers cheers cheers cheers. Report back and granted certificate of hygene (ist Class Honours) also gold medal antwerp exhibition 1899.

  Pijaw. Mater then give pi-jaw e.g. Now you will behave nicely won’t you nigel and you won’t do wot you did to cicely last time.

  Oh no mater rather not.

  You promise?

  Oh yes and i will sa nothing about her dolly either.

  And you will not shout Cave Cave here they come when they ring the bell? You will not repeat wot Daddy sa at brekfast about mabel entwhistle? Nor sa rice pud ugh at lunch.

  No No dearest mama perish the thort.

  You had beter not, rat.

  The Works. Mabel entwhistle arive in a super car a bentley or aston martin which show that mr entwhistle hav a clue or 2 which is more than pop hav. Women thro themself into each others arms like guided missiles.

  Gaze in miror at yore strange unatural beauty

  ‘Darling darling (chiz) how lovely to see you after all these years.’

  Visitor then gaze about as if she hav never seen anything more beaituful in the world in space.

  ‘How swete your house is!

  (Thinks: a dump.)

  ‘nigel! this must be nigel! Wot a good-looking boy.

  (Thinks: Ugh.)

  ‘And your younger boy how luvley.’

  If anyone can call molesworth 2 luvely you kno she is telling a whoper even blue corduroy trousers do not make him into bubles not by a long chalk so it show how empty and artificial ect. hem-hem.

  Enter CICELEY entwhistle.

  YOUR MATER: ‘Ciceley! She’s already a beauty. Such hair Such eyes’ ect.

  (Thinks: Gosh wot a plane child.)

  And so it go on the lunch is cold molesworth 2 drop the sprouts ciceley can’t eat the steak and all larff wot screams children are to be sure. Zoom out into the garden and ciceley folow litle does she kno gay child wot is coming to her. Enuff said. The maters jaber away until teatime and at length the ghastley day is over.

  Our Ancestors

  nigel is so sensitive

  I was awfully stupid at lessons when I was a girl

  I don’t see why you should look ashamed of me

  The trousers are a little long but I think he will grow into them

  Goodbye darling Give your little motherkins a kiss!

  KITCHEN-WISE

  When i was a gurl yore mater sa the butler the cook and the parlourmaid did all the work. Of course all maters are dredfully old, about 96 approx, so it may hav been possible. i just do not see wot point it hav it won’t get her out of the kitchen in the present century.

  Maters these days train their dear little ones to domestic duties. Th
ey are just like performing seals – they clear away, make tea, polish the silver and also WASH-UP crash bang crash smash. A mater believe we are glad to help her out if only she knew. Any rate, we hav to HELP e.g.

  Give me that wiper molesworth 2 its mine mum he has got the wiper with the red edges and rather unsavoury black marks give it to me (wiper part in two judgment of solomon divinity ect. Howls of rage from all.)

  Aktualy you can hav a wizard time in the kitchen and molesworth 2 pinch everything including raisins flour jam washed down with the cat’s milk.

  While we are on the subjekt hem-hem here is my own favourite recipe which is reely very simple.

  Take one cup of flour and add water at suficient pressure to spurt all over the kitchen.

  Next go to the raisin tin. Eat 3 handfulls and put a few in the cup.

  Add salt mint and coffee beans.

  Stir vigorously and drop on the floor. Yell out of the door Mum Mum Mum where’s the rolling pin. Eat a jam tart and roll out thin. When you are fed-up with rolling make the whole thing into a soft ball and chuck at molesworth 2.

  UNCLES

  Uncles are always v. embarased when they see a small boy we seme to make them nervous and i am not surprised. They ask a lot of feeble questions before they will hand over the routine halfcrown chiz.

  Your uncles are outside, sir

  Scene: a gilded drawing room of grate luxury. There are thick curtains and thick carpets in fact everything is thick including the head of the small boy who is lying upon the sofa eating bullseyes and watching the television.