I didn’t argue with her because it was probably a good idea for me to have it. I placed it inside my purse and started the car. “Hey, I’m really proud of you for what you did back there for Jessie.”
“It was nothing. The kid was starting to get on my nerves with all that screaming.” She shrugged. “I had to do something.”
“She’s only a year younger than you.”
“Yes, but I’m ages older in this thing called life.”
“That’s true. Pretty strange day though, yeah?”
“Yeah. How about we go wind down with some beers?”
“Nice try.”
“Wine?”
I swallowed a smile and turned to her with narrowed eyes. “Seriously, Alyssa. I don’t want to hear you getting into that shit. Do you understand me?”
Her head shrank back like a turtle going in its shell. “Whoa. Chill. I was kidding.”
I backed out of the space and headed toward home without responding.
“Man,” she finally said. “What did I say about wanting you as a mother? Jeez.”
CHAPTER 8
--------------------------
Nathan had already settled into our usual spot at the bar of the Blue Moon Saloon when I arrived. An amber-colored beer, half-gone, sat in front of him. As if on instinct, he turned to me as I headed toward him. Our mutual smiles indicated the irony of the situation was not lost on either of us. Nathan and I met in AA and this was where we played hooky, had our own therapy sessions, shared secrets, fought and made up, time and time again. The worst times were when he’d gotten into it with his foster mom or brother, and I couldn’t reach him. I’d come here and find him blasted, hitting on women, and talking to complete strangers about how messed up his family was.
My smile faded quickly as I struggled with what I would say…how honest I would be about everything.
“There’s my girl,” he said, standing to hug me. He wore a simple long-sleeved black shirt and jeans. With his physique, every outfit modeled well.
His arms pulled me to my comfort zone, a place that had always given me safety and seclusion.
“You’ve been waiting patiently,” I said, eyeing his drink when he released me.
“I ordered for you, too. Here it is now.”
I slid onto the stool next to him just as a martini floated into the spot in front of me. “Thanks, Eddy.”
“How ya been, Gray? Haven’t seen you in a while.” He pulled empty glasses from further down the bar where a small group had vacated. His short blonde ponytail slid to the side of his neck when he bent over the counter. Modern rock stemmed from speakers above, low enough so patrons didn’t have to shout.
“Workaholic doesn’t suit me, but I found my way back here.” I reached over and squeezed Nathan’s arm in case he had the urge to chime in with a comment.
“Well, I’m glad to have that gorgeous smile back,” Eddy said.
“Thank you.” I turned to Nathan when I saw that a customer had summoned Eddy by waving his card. The relaxed glow emanating from him told me I’d been forgiven. Then, his words confirmed. “He’s right you know…you’re gorgeous.”
My lips curled, but I kept my teeth hidden. “How many girls have you said that to in the last week?”
“Counting you?”
I nodded.
“Two.”
My grin fell, and my eyes questioned him.
“You…and Sheila.”
I punched him in the arm and then picked up my drink. “Your German Shepherd doesn’t count.”
“Hey.” He grabbed his arm, feigning pain. “You’re much cuter than she is…especially when you’re jealous.”
I took a slow sip of my drink, showing him I was unaffected by his accusation. He watched me with a confident grin. “Since when was I ever jealous?” I said.
His mouth turned tight, and he nodded. “Unfortunately, that’s probably true.”
“So how’s the restaurant?” I asked, attempting to brighten the mood…or postpone my news.
Nathan leaned into me, his hand finding my calf, sliding up to my knee. “Things are good.” His eyes told me the now almost empty beer was not his first. Upsetting him wasn’t my intention, but this shouldn’t happen tonight. I turned from his gaze and took another sip; he pulled back and continued while grabbing his beer. “New patio looks incredible. You should come see it. I haven’t cooked for you there in such a long time.”
“I will. Soon.”
We drank in silence, people watched, checked our phones. “You want another?” he asked as I downed the last sip.
“I better not.”
His head bobbed tiny little bobs as he stared at me, waiting. “Well…you called this party.”
I turned toward the bar and rested on my elbows, so I wouldn’t have to see his face, his eyes examining mine. “Remember how I said Evyn made me take that programming class for our new database system?”
“Yeah.”
“I lied.” Those two little words had such immense meaning. You’d think I’d have said them a million times by now. I could scarcely remember if I’ve ever said them to anyone but Nathan, and even to him it was rare. One drunken night here of all places, we’d shared our sad stories. And since he had the disclaimer going in, I didn’t feel obligated to justify myself to him at every turn. We accepted each other and our demons.
“You made all that up about the new program, and how it was going to change the way you guys do business and all that?”
“No, that was all true. But, I learned everything in about five minutes. Probably could have done it in my sleep. I ended up training everyone else on it.”
“You’ve lost me. So, you’re saying there was no class?”
I turned my head to look at him, confusion lacing over his eyes. “Right.”
“Then, what were you doing all those Tuesday nights?”
“I was seeing a shrink.”
It registered slowly, and then his face held surprise. He coughed out a laugh. “You’re shitting me.”
“Don’t be an ass about this because I’m dead serious.”
“Holy shit, Gray. Really?” His surprise seemed to turn to delight in an instant, and his words sped up. “This is great news, actually. I mean, I’m happy for you. For us—”
My mouth fell open; my eyes narrowed on him.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean us-us. I just meant…well it could—”
“Nathan, stop. Please. I’m sorry.”
“What?”
“It was a total bust. A sham. Don’t you get it?”
Eddy came over to see if we wanted another round. We both shook our heads silently, Nathan looking like he got sucker punched in the gut. He waited for Eddy to walk away. “Yeah, I get it. I think I get it pretty fucking clear now. Why did you even bother? It doesn’t make any sense.”
“Evyn made me.” I looked down to my lap. “Some funds were missing from an account. An account that only a few of us had access to and since…”
“Of course, she assumed you did it.”
“Yep. And, this was sort of my last chance in her eyes.”
“God, Gray. I’m sorry.”
“Thanks.” I paused, staring at him, his expression turning more frustrated by the minute. “Aren’t you going to ask me if I did it?”
“Are you freaking kidding me? Of course, you didn’t do it. Evyn should know that. Why aren’t you more pissed about this?”
I shook my head. “She’s done a lot for me, Nathan. And she’s put up with a lot of crap from me. I don’t blame her for not believing me.”
“So, somehow you pulled it off, and everything goes back to normal?”
“Not exactly.”
We decided to order appetizers at the bar, mainly so we could order more drinks without getting hammered. Nathan made comments about the bland artichoke dip and the stale pita chips in between me filling him in on what happened with Dr. Wallace and how I’d been on temporary leave from the office working part-time
from home. I told him everything except all the parts that included Dr. Daniel Harrison.
“You’re really going to do this? Take it seriously this time?”
“I’m going to try, Nathan. That’s all I can commit to right now. And what would really make this whole thing easier is if I had a friend…a real friend.” I wiped my hands on my napkin and then wrapped my fingers around his hand.
“You know I’m here for you, Gray.” He took my face in his hands. “I’ll do whatever it takes.” And then a trace of fear crossed his face. There was always fear with change. I fought to keep from getting emotional. He saw it coming and headed me off. “One of us has got to be sane, don’t you think?”
I giggled, letting out a breath of relief. “Thank you. That means everything to me.”
“But, just to make sure…that means no sex, right?” He smiled wide, making it incredibly difficult to answer with the correct response. But somehow, I did.
* * *
The next night I ate Chinese alone in my apartment in front of the TV, the notorious referral list a solitary place mat on the coffee table in front of me. Conveniently, it was too late to make calls. I had taken Alyssa to meet Jessica and her mother at the movies. When Rita asked if I’d join them, I told her I’d come down with that twenty-four hour stomach virus that had been going around.
Halfway through a rerun of Jeopardy!, I grew bored and clicked off the television. My apartment rested as quiet as a coma. Each wall held one large piece of art; lining up multiple frames gave me a migraine. The spacing never put me at ease. Clutter was not welcome, and counters remained clear. I’d hope simplicity and order in my living space would penetrate my chaotic mind through osmosis. One of the problems with that thinking was the secret to my success in this area: out of sight out of mind. Pull a cupboard handle or turn a closet doorknob and you might be greeted with a collapsing mound of miscellaneous items. Nathan called it my Flintstone Closet.
I leaned over and slid the small photo album from under the side table. As thick as it was, photos only filled half of it. The charade of recording memories had become tiresome. Or perhaps reality had been a stronger force than fantasy. I flipped past a few images grandma had given me of Mom and her, as well as ones when the twins were born. I stopped on an image of my mother, alone and in her wedding dress. Her bright smile and glowing eyes portrayed an endless stream of beautiful dreams waiting to come true. The page blurred before me, but I continued flipping until I came to Noah and me. He sat in front of me at the top of the slide at Regency Park. Grandma often took us there before her stroke.
My phone pinged, pulling me from the album. It was after nine. Alyssa texted that Rita was driving her home.
I climbed into bed with my E-reader to settle in for a little escapism. I’d obviously not read much before falling asleep because a little before ten, my phone rang. I reached over, blindly snatching it from my side table and pressing answer without looking at the number.
“Hello,” I said, my voice unsteady.
Silence.
“Alyssa?” I pulled the phone from my ear to check the number. It wouldn’t have been the first time I’d received a call from her for some emergency.
“No. I’m sorry, Gray. It’s Daniel, uh, Dr. Harrison.”
“Oh, Daniel. Is everything all right with Jessie?”
“She’s fine. In fact, I just got through talking to her about the movie and about Alyssa. She was dying to fill me in on their night.”
An odd, intimate feeling ran over me talking with Daniel in my bed, at night. We’ve had a handful of conversations, yet his voice fit me like a favorite sweater. “I’m glad to hear that.”
“I hope you’re feeling better.”
“About what?”
“Rita said you had a stomach bug.”
Crap! Why did it seem like he saw right through me, but not once called me on it? “Oh, yes, thank you. I’m feeling much better. Got myself to bed early.” Cringe. Why’d I have to say that?
“Well, I’m sorry to call so late. I actually hoped to get your voice mail.”
“Oh? Why is that?”
“I knew it was late, but I’m leaving early tomorrow morning for a workshop in the wine country. I planned to leave you a message to ask if you’d come to my office tomorrow afternoon. I should be back around five-thirty.
“Did something happen with Alyssa tonight? I know she can be a little aggressive, and the language for her age is…”
“No, Alyssa is great. We’re so thankful for her, really. Although Rita wasn’t too happy when Alyssa told Jessica to ignore the skanky, uh, twatwaffle, I think was the word she used to describe the girl who’d teased her about her hair.”
A genuine laugh escaped me into the receiver, and Daniel chuckled along. That’s my girl. “Wow, that’s really…um, well, that’s Alyssa for you.”
When our laughter cleared, silence filled the space. “If it’s not about Alyssa, what then?” I should have kept my big mouth shut and simply agreed because the thought of seeing Daniel again unleased ninja butterflies in my stomach.
“I’d rather not go over this on the phone, but I’d really like to talk to you about your options for your therapy.”
“Oh.” My cheeks flushed, even though Daniel couldn’t see them. Was he going to offer to be my doctor, or was this only about helping me with the referral list? Suddenly, I doubted I wanted him as a therapist. It was getting more and more difficult to picture him looking at me in his office when what ran through my brain was him looking down on me as he hovered over my body in this bed. Embarrassment surged through me at the thought of how Daniel must see me. Like some sort of charity case. I dreaded the thought of him looking at me that way, yet something inside me had to take the opportunity to see him again. “How about six?”
“Great. I’ll see you then.”
CHAPTER 9
--------------------------
I paused in front of the glass door of the office building studying my reflection. I’d never taken so long to pick out an outfit that wasn’t for a date. It was clear I hadn’t consciously known my own intentions for coming here, which only added to my muddled brain. What says I’m an interesting woman who is totally sane? What will make him notice me, but not look like I was on my way to a club? Obviously nothing in my closet, because I’d left feeling insecure and inadequate. Again, this man had me examining my every decision. It pained me that I sought his approval. As I reached for the door, I stiffened. My hand gripped and yanked it open, my jaw tightening with every second. I stomped in as I let out a huff of breath.
“Gray. Is everything all right?”
I startled and stopped short, the door bumping my backside when it closed. “Daniel. What are you doing here?”
“I work here.” He grinned and glanced to the side, but only for a beat before his blue eyes settled on mine.
For the first time since I’d met him, he wore those black glasses I’d seen on his desk. A thick off white sweater hung over broad shoulders and a navy blue shirt. Its softness called me to run my hand down the front of it. My arms clung faithfully to my side as my eyes wandered up his tall frame. “I didn’t expect you to…greet me at the door.”
“Actually, I came to get something from my car. But, that can wait.” He extended his arm in front of him, politely. “Shall we?”
His office was as inviting as the first time, and I relaxed a bit upon entering. I headed straight back to the large window, catching a glimpse of the sun as it began its descent behind the adjacent buildings. There was a certain feeling of freedom standing on display in a full-length window, yet feeling safe behind a glass wall. “I’ve never seen you with those glasses on before,” I said into the window. I caught his reflection as he stood watching me.
“I don’t wear them much. But, I do use them for reading and writing…and driving, I suppose. You seem to like that view.”
“I do.” A few moments passed, and I wondered how long he’d stand there waiting for m
e. “But, I’m sure you’re busy.” I turned, and he pointed to a chair.
“Please, have a seat.”
He waited for me to sit before taking the chair diagonally from me, both seats playing an awkward vinyl tune in the still of the room. I waited for him to speak first, the scene transporting me back to the principal’s office, called in about my latest offense. Principal Wesley never caused my cheeks to flush; I looked back to the window for comfort.
“There’s no need to be nervous, Gray.”
“What?” I snapped my attention back to Daniel. “I’m not. It’s just…getting late…and I’m sure you need to get home yourself.”
“You’re right. Let me get straight to it then.” He peeled the glasses from his face and placed them on the table between us. “I asked you here because I’m hoping that I can help you. I wanted to speak with you in person, ask you some questions, talk about some options.”
I tilted my head in confusion. “Wait a minute. Didn’t you say the other day that you were not taking new patients?”
“I did say that,” he said with a couple of nods. “And really, I’m not. But, I’m willing to make an exception in your case…”
“I’m sorry. I don’t understand.” I’d considered asking what changed his mind. Had Alyssa said something to Jessie? Was it because of what happened at the hospital with that obnoxious guy?
“I’m sure this is a bit confusing, and I apologize for that. Can I just ask you, Gray? What do you want to get out of this? What’s your goal?”
I inhaled, realizing it was possibly the worst time to spit out a flippant or unthoughtful answer.
“Take your time. Tell me what you’re thinking…truthfully, please.”
Truthfully? With a defining moment staring me in the face, I scrambled to weigh my options. Part of me fought against telling him I only wanted to get through the next six months and get back to my life. That it was all a misunderstanding, which would actually be the truth. No matter what my goal was, Daniel had become more than Dr. Harrison to me now. He was a man. A tall, sweet, sexy man that belonged in an Abercrombie catalog reading next to a fire. How could I let him see me now? How could I tell him what needed to be told in order to stick with what I’d promised myself? What I’d told Nathan.
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