* * *
Climbing the stairs to my apartment, the exhaustion set in fast. I welcomed it like the rising sun signaling new beginnings. My thoughts focused on one thing—falling into bed and sleeping until I had the energy to figure out exactly how to create a new life for myself. The key in the door turned with ease and without the usual sticky click. Then, voices and the television hit me as I swung the door open. Alyssa and Nathan sat in the living room like a little make-shift family, arguing about something that made my head hurt but could potentially be a much needed diversion. Nathan held the remote with his arm jutting away from Alyssa’s reach like some annoying big brother.
I drew in a breath of strength. “Hi, kids. Mommy’s home.” My words laced with sarcasm came out at almost a yell. I banged the door shut with more force than I meant.
They both froze for about two seconds before Alyssa laid in. “Gray, your freaking boyfriend is making me watch this shitty cooking show. I mean, what kind of tattooed, beer drinking, tough guy watches cooking shows?”
“The kind that makes his living cooking. And what about you, Courtney Love? You look like a bad girl rocker, and you’re begging me to put on some goofy animal show?”
“Who’s Courtney Love?” she asked.
Nathan and I laughed, and I read forgiveness in his eyes. Of course, he wouldn’t have held last night against me. Alyssa took advantage of our squabble and grabbed for the remote, but she wasn’t fast enough. Nathan mangled her hair with one hand and shoved the remote under his ass with the other. “And if you’d learn how to cook, you could put something in your mouth besides that guy’s tongue I saw you mauling when I walked up.”
Alyssa gaped at me, red-faced with her mouth open as wide as mine was. A pillow smack a quick beat later across the face was Nathan’s payback. “What are you, my dad?”
“Um…will one of you please tell me what’s going on here? What’s with the family reunion?”
Alyssa folded her arms and gave me the death stare. Nathan aimed a playful grin in my direction. “Be a good little woman and grab me a beer first.”
After what I’d pulled last night, it wouldn’t kill me to play along. “Whatever.” I dropped my purse onto the kitchen table on the way to the fridge.
“You have beer?” Alyssa yelled from the couch. “Bring me one, too.”
“Right,” I said, coming up behind the sofa. I handed them each a soda and then went around to the front to sit.
“This place blows,” Alyssa said.
I jammed my body in the small space between them. “And you’re not in school, why?”
“It’s a teacher prep day or some crap like that.”
The motherly head tilt I delivered came naturally.
“What? It really is. Who am I to question?”
“All right. So, who’s this guy?” My usual interest in her life was boosted with an added hint of worry.
“Yeah, what’s the tongue-inator’s name?” Nathan said, leaning over to eye Alyssa. “Looked a little too old for you, too.”
“He’s just a guy from school. Aiden. He’s a senior.”
“Should I be worried?” I said.
“Should I be worried you didn’t come home last night?”
“No.” I turned from her stare. “My aunt needed me, and it got late. I crashed on her couch.” When I turned back to check Alyssa’s reaction, the sheer look of disappointment twisted my gut to knots.
“Right.” Alyssa leaned over and set the soda unopened onto the coffee table, then focused her attention on the television.
I put my hand on her arm. “No, it’s not right. I’m sorry I lied to you. I went out last night, made a couple of bad decisions, and then Nathan and Daniel had to come take care of me. I spent the night talking with Daniel.” I’d glanced over at Nathan when I said the part about talking. His tight smile made reading his thoughts difficult.
Alyssa shifted her body on the couch and smiled. “See, now was that so freaking hard?”
I laughed out loud at her immature way of being mature. “Actually, no, it wasn’t. I want you to know that I’m trying to change. I’m not doing a very good job of it, but I’m trying. I know I’m not a very good role model for you, and that worries me.”
“Shit, don’t worry about that. I mean, my own mom has been stellar up to this point, so I’ll let her take the credit for any bad decisions I make.”
“Thanks…I think.” I put my arm around her and pulled her in for a squeeze.
The three of us spent the next hour snuggled against each other watching a top chef make French Onion Croque Madame as I dozed in and out of consciousness. I thought back to my earlier conversation with Daniel. One step at a time. This wasn’t a new beginning, but a start nonetheless.
CHAPTER 25
--------------------------
Four identical brown eyes glared at me from across a small round kitchen table. My divorcee aunts waited impatiently for me to impart the news I prompted them with over the phone. It was time to relieve myself of the burden of Harvey’s secret, and if I had enough nerve, the lie I told about Harvey.
“So?” Barb said, snapping her gum at me. “What’s the big news? Are we going to be great aunts?” She snickered, and Becca nudged her with an elbow.
“Funny,” I said, unaffected. I’d learned a long time ago how not to let them get to me. And this new incongruence among the sisters was a warm reminder of how Becca had changed. What I’d seen from her recently reminded me of my mother some. That was a mini miracle to be thankful for. “Here.” I slid my phone across the table to Becca. “This is why I came.”
“What is it?” Barb asked.
Becca’s brows turned down toward her nose. “Looks like a bankbook with entries in Harvey’s writing.”
“That’s exactly what it is.”
She looked up at me, her head shaking that look of hard disappointment I’d seen dozens of times before. “Why do you have it?”
Her tone cut through me, my lips parted. “I, I found it when we were at the house that night to get some of your stuff.” I took my eyes over her shoulder and to the kitchen window. Then, I sucked it up and brought them right back. “It was hidden under that tree by the TV. I snapped a quick picture of it just in case.”
“‘In case’ what? What the hell, Gray?” Barb said. “We could have used that for leverage in the settlement.”
“Hey, this is about me.” Becca said. “Look, I’m not happy about this either, but I got a fair settlement. I’m happy to be rid of him.” The phone came back my way along with a questioning stare. “Why didn’t you show me this sooner?”
“I guess I was afraid. I thought if you tried to use it against him and he came after you, something horrible would happen. I mean, look at what he did the last time. Maybe the cops would have been carrying you out on a stretcher instead of you walking out on your own. Or worse.”
“And let me guess…you thought you could handle Harvey?” Barb chimed in.
“In a way, yeah.” I straightened in my seat, standing my ground. “And maybe I did handle him. It worked out in the end. He gave you what you wanted.”
“What did you do?” Becca asked.
“I gave him a little reminder that night the cops were there.”
Recollection hit before she spoke. “Was that why you did that whole bathroom bit?”
“Yep. I’d dumped his little book in the toilet that day before we left.”
Barb smiled and nodded, finally finding something to approve of while Becca sighed and shook her head. “Always playing with fire, Gray. Are things ever going to change with you?”
“I’m working on it.” I hesitated, but my face must have given me away, because they both watched me eagerly. “There is one more thing.”
“God, do I even want to hear this?”
I assumed the boulder in my stomach and accelerated pulse emulated that of a child confessing to her parents, something foreign to me. “I never saw Harvey with LuAnn. I only said
that because he’s an asshole, and he’s got his eyes on every pair of tits within viewing range.”
She opened her mouth to speak, but I attempted to plead my case further. “And I certainly had my suspicions. She had been commenting on Veronica Spago’s Facebook page that she was seeing a married guy.”
Barb looked at her twin expectantly, but Becca shook her down. “Whatever,” Barb said. “I’ve had enough of the drama. I’m going to shower and fantasize about the guy in three ten.”
A tiny grin materialized on Becca’s face as her sister exited the room. “He’s a tax accountant, but he works out…a lot.”
“Why do you not seem mad? Or surprised for that matter?”
She reached across the table and placed her hand over mine, the feeling every bit like a mother, as I’d ever known. “Gray, honey. That’s because I’m neither. I should be pissed as hell that you lied to me. Considering I knew from the beginning and let it go this far, I can’t see how that’s fair.”
I lifted my dropped jaw from the table. “Why didn’t you say something?”
“We both know I needed and wanted that push. Gray, you and I understand each other a lot better than you think.” The wood chair scraped across the tile, startling me. Gripped by the look on her face, I waited as she rose and came to take the seat next to me. “Given our history, I won’t blame you if you think this is a load of crap. But…you’re the closest thing to a daughter I have.”
I swallowed back a laugh, but the look in her eyes sobered it away. “God, Becca.”
“I haven’t been there for you like I know Sara would have wanted.”
“Becca, you’re not that much older than me. I’m sure she didn’t expect you to step in as my mother.”
“I know, but Barb and I were terrible to you even after our sister died.” She flipped her head up in the direction of the bedroom. “Don’t expect much from her, but I hope you’ve seen that I’ve been trying harder lately.”
I nodded and then summoned my voice. “I have.” How did I deserve this killing me with kindness treatment? I couldn’t help but think I was in one of Daniel’s therapy sessions.
“I know it wasn’t easy for you to come to me with this, but I’m glad you did.”
Before I realized it was happening, Becca pulled me to her. A hand landed gently on the back of my head, and as awkward as I felt inside, I let it happen. An unintelligible feeling welled inside me. Though I tried to put my finger on whether it was love or guilt or sadness, I welcomed it. Because whatever it was, it didn’t hurt.
“And I’m so proud of you for going to therapy and finally getting some help.”
Wait. What? I pulled out of her embrace, faced with a look of fear. “How did you know that?”
“Oh…your dad told me. I hope that’s okay.”
“No, actually it’s not.” I got up from the table, shocked out of the warm fuzzies, searching my brain for a reason why it wasn’t okay because the hot flash on my face told me I was headed toward getting pissed. A bag of cookies on the counter called me for salvation. “And who told him?” Disgusted with the generic chocolate chip offering, I plucked one from the bag anyway. “Oh, it was Evyn, right?”
“Yes. You know he and I have been getting closer, too. Just as family…friends, so don’t freak out. We both want you to find some peace.”
I stuffed the subpar treat into my mouth and gave her my most skeptical gaze.
“What do you want me to say, Gray? How many years has it been? It’s time you let it go.” She stood and came toward me. I braced for another hug, but she bypassed me for the cookies. “We’ve all made mistakes. We all need forgiveness. Even you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing. These cookies suck,” she said with a mouthful.
“You’re right…about everything. I shouldn’t be upset, considering I came here to confess my crimes.”
“So…are we good?”
“We’re good.”
“And what about Henry? Will you at least talk to him? Spend some time getting to know him again?”
I paused, trying to imagine communicating with my dad for longer than our usual five minutes every six months. He seemed to be a stranger to me now. I’d made it this far without him, so the prospect lacked appeal. Becca cut in again, her tone harsher. “You know, you were just a kid. Things aren’t always like they seem. Sometimes when people grow up, that’s when they realize the reality of situations.”
“Situations?” All of these vague insinuations added to the weight of my guilt and didn’t bode well for my supposed new attitude. “How about you stop with the innuendos and give me some specifics? Are you saying he should have won Father of the Year? That my dead brother would not still be alive if it weren’t for him?”
“Don’t do this, Gray. Please.” She closed the cookies and walked them to the trash. “It’s not my place to talk to you about this.”
“You talk to Henry plenty, though.”
“Some. But, if I talk to you, then I’m in the middle, and that won’t help either of you.”
I sighed, understanding her side. “I know. And I’ve caused you enough problems.”
She slipped an arm around my shoulders. “The way I see it, you relieved me of my biggest one.”
“Damn right.”
“Promise me one thing. Give this some serious thought. Talk to him. Listen to what he has to say and remember…we all have things we wish we could take back. We’d all like to be forgiven for our mistakes.”
* * *
A text arrived from Daniel as I walked in the door to confirm I’d still be making our session the next day. I waited to reply, so I could think about what I’d say. Should I tell him I planned to talk with my father? I would have to be doing it for myself, though Daniel’s approval would be an added bonus. I didn’t have enough faith that I’d go through with it, so I decided to keep that to myself for the time being. Then, there was the crushing fear of losing Daniel once this whole thing ended. What did that word even mean? Losing. Daniel wasn’t mine, or at least not the way I wanted him. Push too hard and he’d probably retreat farther. At the same time, I wished he could see how my heart beat faster whenever he was near and how my breathing labored when his eyes fell on mine. Or, that having him in my life made me try to be a better person. No matter what he said, it wasn’t because he was my therapist. I’d known it from the first moment I saw him holding that damn screwdriver in his office. The thought of his tall, firm build hovering over my body had been permanently burned into every fantasy I’d had since I met him. God, he’d probably have thought I was a serious mental case if I told him any of that. A final thought before I replied…I should grow a pair and call him out for those sketches. None of those important little details traveled from my brain to my digits.
I’ll be there, Daniel. I wanted to say thank you again for the other night. Obviously, it was above and beyond.
You don’t have to thank me. I was doing what I wanted to do.
Well, whatever your reasons, I appreciate it. And our talk gave me a lot to think about.
I’m glad to hear that. Try not to worry about anything but finding some closure and some peace. Just know that I’m here for you no matter what. I’m here, Gray.
I replied with a smiley face and a see you tomorrow because I couldn’t think of anything else to say that hadn’t already been said. A short time later, my phone pinged once again.
One day at a time.
Then, I smiled for real.
CHAPTER 26
--------------------------
He gave the waitress a friendly smile before she led him to a table in the back corner of the bustling coffee shop. I stayed a bit longer, pressed to the window like a beggar waiting for scraps. We all deserve forgiveness. Becca’s words rang in my head as I observed my father check his phone, drink water, and glance around the room nervously. Forgiveness wasn’t the sole issue. My dad was always the mountain, and I was the volcano. He stubbo
rnly stood his ground, and I erupted, erratically and without warning. But, whether or not we would get along shouldn’t be a reason not to reconcile. So, I ducked my head and made my way to the front door.
By the time I’d reached the table, Dad pushed his chair back, as if he were getting up to leave.
“Leaving already?” I said, surprised how timid my voice sounded.
He retreated back into his seat. “Oh…no. Hello, Gray.” He pointed to the chair across from him. “Thank you for coming.”
“I believe I invited you.” I grinned at him and sat, already rethinking the place I’d chosen and brushing the crumbs from in front of my space.
“That’s right.” He chuckled. “But, I was starting to get the feeling you wouldn’t show up.”
“Sorry…I know I’m a little late. I would have called, but I was actually on the phone. It was work.” My insides flinched at my failed start.
The waitress appeared immediately after me, and we both ordered coffee. The atmosphere was cold and white, more like a hospital than a place to eat. But, it sat central to each of us, and it would keep us both from getting too comfortable. Still, I removed my sweater to alleviate the nervous heat coming off my skin.
“You always hated coffee,” I said, checking for his reaction.
“I didn’t hate it…I just never drank it.”
“Lots more choices back then?”
“Something like that. Now I stick to coffee, tea, or soda.” It was his turn to check for my reaction. Like two alley cats, leery and protective.
“I’m glad to hear that. How long?”
“Two years last June.”
Ironically, Dad and I had attended AA meetings around the same time. Separately and with different results. Becca had given me updates, even though I hadn’t asked for them. The words, I’m proud of you, Dad popped into my head, but I didn’t say them. I hadn’t recalled them ever spoken to me. The silence spoke of two strangers who didn’t know how to act or what to say.
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