Take a Gamble

by Rachael Brownell

  There’s a soft tapping on my door. Sara was asleep by the time we arrived home from the airport last night so I assume it’s her. I holler for her to come in as I reach to the floor, grab my t-shirt and pull it over my head.

  “Hey. How was your trip?”

  “It was nice. What did you do while I was gone?”

  She takes the seat next to me and tucks her legs under her butt. I can tell something is bothering her and if I give her long enough I know she will spit it out.

  “Not much. I was kind of bored. I swam and Mom took me shopping. Nothing special. What did you do?”

  “Well, Mac and I hung out with her friend Alexa. They showed me around the city and we went to this really cool aquarium that I think you will like. We should go sometime.”

  “Yeah. Okay.”

  “Alright. What’s up with you?”

  “Well, I heard mom and dad talking the other day about you and Mac. I didn’t want to be the one to tell you but I think you should know. Mom thinks Mac is sick and going to die and they are worried about you. Is she sick, Roe? I like her so much. I don’t want her to die.”

  She’s crying by the time she’s done. I wrap my arm around her shoulders and pull her to me. She shouldn’t have to worry about shit like this at her age. Of course my parents would be talking about it openly and scare the crap out of her.

  “Is she sick, Roe? You have to tell me.”

  “No, Sara. She’s not sick right now but she might be.”

  “That sucks,” she says as she pulls out of my embrace. “Why is she sick?”

  How do I explain this to a nine year old? Cancer is a known disease but it’s something that even I don’t know specifics about and I don’t want to. Knowledge is only power if you need that knowledge for a reason. I don’t want a reason to need the knowledge.

  “Mac might have cancer again. We won’t know for a few weeks but even if she does have cancer, Sara, that doesn’t mean she will die. She’s a fighter.”

  Sara nods her head before walking out my door and softly closing it behind her. For her, knowledge will break her and I know for a fact that she will be on her tablet for the rest of the day searching for answers.

  I convinced Mr. Trist to let me pick Mac up from the airport. It was much easier than I thought it would be. I have no idea why he gave in but I happily accepted his car keys and left. I had originally planned on asking to ride along but decided at the last minute that if I was there to pick her up, it might be best if her parents weren’t there, too. Especially after the scene we caused at the airport in Chicago.

  Her dad told me to meet her in the baggage claim. I’m here now and I don’t see her. Her plane landed twenty minutes ago and the carousel started up a few minutes ago. Where the hell is she?

  I pull my phone out and dial her number. It goes straight to voicemail. I hang up and start to panic a little bit when I catch sight of her blonde hair. I try her phone again and this time it rings.

  “Hey,” she answers, out of breath.

  “What’s the matter? You sound like your running.”

  “I’m late to grab my bag and meet my dad. I had to stop in the bathroom and the line was crazy long.”

  I watch as she scans the room for her dad. She looks right past me twice before heading towards the carousel to grab her bag.

  “You look beautiful today, by the way.”

  “Thanks. Are we going to sneak out tonight so I can see you?”

  “I don’t think we’ll have to. Your parents seem okay with us all of the sudden. My parents didn’t even talk to me about our trip. I’m not grounded or anything.”

  “That’s weird. Wait. Did you say I look beautiful?”

  “Yes. But you always look beautiful so I’m not sure why you sound so surprised.” I pause to see if she buys it. She does. I watch her shoulder relax before she starts looking around for her dad again. “That bag looks heavy. You should at least set it on the ground until you find your dad.”

  “You’re probably right. I wish…” Her eyes connect with mine and she stops suddenly. It’s a good thing she put her bag down because I don’t think she would be able to run towards me with it in her grasp.

  I grab hold of her ass and lift her up as she jumps into my arms and wraps herself around me. I take a deep breath, breathing in her scent, committing it to memory. I focus on the way her body is molded to mine, the way she fits perfectly against me, how perfect she feels in my arms.

  She pulls back and I can’t help but grin at her. I surprised her and it looks like it was a good surprise.

  “You wish what?”

  “Huh?”

  “You stopped talking in the middle of your sentence. What was it that you were wishing for?”

  “I was about to say I wish you could have picked me up. I guess I should wish more often.”

  “You wish is my command, love. Anything else?”

  She thinks about it for a second and then a look that I’ve never seen before crosses her face. Devious. That’s the only way I can describe it. When she whispers her wish in my ear, I know that devious is a good description of her expression.

  We make it back to the house, late. I know her parents were expecting us a while ago so I’m surprised when no one says anything to us about our late arrival. We’re greeted in the entry by both of her parents and, based on their expressions, they have no clue why we are running late.

  I leave Mac to visit with her family, making plans in front of her parents to take her out to dinner tonight. I expect them to object, considering she might be grounded as they promised, but they smile and tell me goodbye. I hope they aren’t trying to save face in front of me and plan to yell or punish Mac once I’m gone.

  I spend the afternoon unpacking from our trip and making plans for our evening. I try to focus on the fact that I get to see Mac in a few hours instead of focusing on the way her parents are acting. I know something is up. No parent changes their mind about being upset that quickly. They are either up to something or something else is wrong.

  My thoughts drift back to my parents for a split second before I start putting it all together. Everyone knows more than they are letting on to. Mac’s parents, my parents, they aren’t trying to keep us apart and I can only imagine the worst. What are they not telling us?

  I need a sanity check. There is only one person who can do that for me. Grandma. For as crazy as she is, she is the only person who can help me rationalize what’s going on. At least, I hope she can.

  “Hey Grams.”

  “Monroe. How was your homecoming?”

  Leave it to Grandma to cut to the chase.

  “Actually, it was pretty uneventful. As far as I know, I’m not in any trouble at all.”

  “Really? That doesn’t sound like your parents. Your mom sounded pretty steamed when I was talking to her.”

  “I know. I was pretty surprised myself. It makes me wonder if something is going on that they’re not telling me about.”

  She doesn’t say anything for a minute. She must know what’s going on. She has to know. Who else would Mom call if she needed to talk to someone?

  “Well, I don’t know about that but maybe they realized that you’re going to be an adult in a few weeks and they won’t be able to make decisions for you anymore. You know, if they had tried to punish you, you would have given them hell until your birthday. I know it and you know it. So do they. Maybe this is their way of preventing you from doing something stupid.”

  She has a point. I would have done whatever I wanted to do no matter if they had tried to ground me or not.

  “So, tell me more about this girl. I need the whole story. I don’t want you to leave anything out. Nothing.”

  God, Grandma has a smooth way of asking if I’ve had sex with her. What grandma wants to know that kind of information? Apparently mine does and I find that rather unsettling. I can’t really dwell on that thought for long before she pesters me with questions, though. So I tell her our story, every de
tail. She doesn’t speak, just listens for the longest time.

  When I’ve finished I expect her to give me words of wisdom. I expect her to tell me everything is going to be fine, that Mac is going to be fine. She doesn’t.

  “You’ve found her.”

  That’s all she says before hanging up on me without saying goodbye.

  That was not the way I expected our conversation to go. I needed Grandma to lift my spirits, to tell me everything was going to work out. She didn’t and now my thoughts drift back to whatever my parents are hiding from me.

  I try to push all negative thoughts out of my mind. It’s the only way I will be able to focus on anything today. The worry is still there, my heart is still aching, but I am trying to push it aside. No matter what they are hiding, and now I’m positive that they are hiding something from me, I only have two weeks left with Mac and I plan on making the best of our time left together. Nothing is going to stop me from showing her exactly how I feel about her. Not our parents. Not the negative thoughts. Not the fact that she might have cancer.

  I’m taking a gamble on this girl. All my chips are in the center of the table. No matter the outcome, I’m all in.

  MAC

  My parents and I had the “talk” after Roe dropped me off. At first, I thought that maybe I wasn’t in trouble. After all, they were being incredibly nice to Roe, they let him pick me up from the airport, and they were letting him take me to dinner tonight. Alone. I should have known better.

  The second he was out the door, everything changed. Dad’s body language told me everything I needed to know as we all moved into the living room. I sat, nervously, across from my parents, waiting for the punishment to fall.

  “MacKenna, I cannot tell you how disappointed we are in how you handled this situation.” Dad’s voice is firm, all business, but I don’t detect any anger. The way he clenches his hands together tells me he’s suppressing some serious rage.

  “I know and I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry won’t get you out of trouble, young lady.” Mom always has to chime in. Why can’t she let Dad yell at me so we can get this over with? “Your father and I were worried sick about you when you left, and then come to find out you only wanted to go alone so you could be alone with some boy.”

  I wanted to punch her or scream. It was a toss-up. Roe wasn’t just some boy to me.

  “Roe is not just some boy, Mom. He’s important to me. Yes, I snuck behind your back and brought him with me, but I really did want to see the doctor alone. I’m almost an adult and eventually I will have to deal with all of this shit on my own.”

  “Don’t curse at your mother, MacKenna Grace.”

  “Sorry.”

  “You seem to be saying that a lot lately. Maybe this boy is a bad influence on you.”

  “No, Mom, he’s not. If anything, he’s teaching me how to live and how to love, in case I don’t live.”

  That shuts them up. Both of their jaws are hanging open right now. They’re both staring at me. My dad looks like he’s contemplating what to say next and my mom looks like she might start crying any second.

  “Look, the point of the story is that no matter how badly I screwed up, I will be an adult soon enough and I will have to handle this crap on my own. I’m not ready for that yet. I don’t think I ever will be. Roe, he makes everything better. No matter what happens, I know I will never forget him. It doesn’t matter if I have cancer or not when I’m with him. All that matter is him, us. I love him.”

  My dad closes his eyes and rests his head in his hands. I know our conversation isn’t over. I want it to be. I’ve spoken my piece. Dad has yet to hand down my punishment, though. I won’t be able to leave this room until I know how long it will be before I will be able to live again, freely anyway.

  “I get it MacKenna. I understand why you did what you did and why you feel what you feel. The best I can, at least. I don’t agree with it, but I get it. I need for you to promise me something, though.” He looks up and waits for me to nod my head before continuing. “I need for you to promise me that, no matter what the doctor says, you tell us as soon as you know something and we decide, as a family, what will happen next.”

  “I promise, Dad.”

  “Fine. I need to get back to work. What time are you leaving for dinner?”

  I’m not in trouble. If I was, I talked my way out of it. I’m pretty damn proud of myself right now. That’s never happened before. I’ve tried to rationalize things in the past to my parents and they have never understood. Never cared to understand.

  “I’m not sure but I’ll let you know I’m leaving before I go. Okay?”

  He nods before leaving me alone in the room with Mom. I want to get up before she starts asking more questions. Mom has always been one to probe so that she has all the information, all the gossip.

  “You really love him, don’t you?”

  “I think so,” I say as I stand to leave.

  “If that’s true, MacKenna, then you need to protect his heart.”

  “I know.”

  And I do. I know I need to protect Roe from the inevitable loss he will feel if the cancer is back. I should also be protecting myself but that would mean finding a way not to love him. That’s not possible, though. Loving him is easy, too easy. Not loving him, not being with him, or near him, that would be heart breaking. Even if Roe is the only person I ever love, and I’m sure that he will be, I will at least have loved wholly and unconditionally. My heart belongs to him and I don’t plan on asking for it back, even after I break his.

  That thought makes me sick. I know I will break his heart in a few weeks. Why am I torturing him? Why am I torturing myself? Why continue to see him if things are going to end? It’s going to be hard for me too but I can’t focus on that. Roe is the light at the end of the tunnel for me. If I go, if the cancer gets me this time, he’s the one I’ll be picturing at the end of the tunnel and I’ll be running towards him.

  Two weeks went by really fast. Roe and I spent every morning, afternoon and evening together. If we weren’t playing in the waves, soaking up the sun, or walking the beach, we were sneaking away and making love. It’s been the best two weeks of my life, the best month of my life. Aside from the possible return of my cancer, that is.

  The doctor’s office called this morning while I was in the shower. I want to listen to the voicemail. I want to know the answers to all eight million questions that I have. I don’t, though, because Roe is waiting for me and today is his birthday. It’s also our last night together. Tomorrow morning my family is packing up and heading back to Chicago.

  Tomorrow morning is when I will break up with Roe.

  Today though, is his birthday and that means we are celebrating him. All day long. Starting in about five minutes at his house where his parents are grilling food before we have cake and ice cream. Yes, I’m excited about the ice cream.

  I pull my hair up into a high pony tail and pull my favorite sundress over my head. I’m already running late yet I take an extra minute to apply a fresh coat of lip gloss before descending the stairs and sprinting out the back door. To my surprise, Roe is waiting for me on the back porch.

  “Hey. What are you doing here? I was just heading over to your place for the party.”

  “Yeah. I told you the party started at 2:00pm, but it doesn’t really start until 6:00pm. I knew you would be running late.” That sexy-as-hell grin that I love so much is plastered on his face. If he wasn’t so cute I would be pissed right now, but he makes that almost impossible. I watch as he slowly approaches me, his grin getting bigger, the left side of his lip curling up a bit, before coming to a stop only a few feet away.

  “I know you’re leaving tomorrow morning and I wanted to spend a few hours alone with you before the party.”

  “Well, birthday boy, it’s your day. We can do whatever you want today.”

  “Really? Whatever I want?” he says as his lips brush mine, causing my body to shiver.

  “Yes. Wha
t. Ever. You. Want.” I emphasize every, single word for him. I’m not playing games with him. I would lose.

  “Well, for starters,” he says, pulling back abruptly, grabbing my hand and dragging me down the stairs towards the beach, “I want one of those hot dogs from down by the pier.”

  Boys. Their mind is either on their stomach or the appendage a little bit below that.

  He wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me close as we walk towards the pier. We make small talk, which we’ve been doing a lot lately, about nothing important. I’m glad he’s doing his best to avoid talking about us, or rather where we’re headed after tomorrow. I know that it has to be on his mind. It’s been on mine since coming back from Chicago. I’ve changed my mind at least a dozen times. I know I’m making the right decision, I just don’t think my heart understands.

  Roe’s party is fun. His parents have welcomed my family with open arms, me especially. I’ve spent a lot of time with them over the last few weeks, especially Sara. I can see why Roe loves her so much. She’s the female version of him, only a few years behind him, and a little bit more sassy.

  Roe and I leave his party after having cake and ice cream to spend our last night alone. I know it would be easier to tell him tonight, easier on me, but I also know it would ruin his birthday. Not to mention, I will still be in town for a few more hours and I can only imagine the chaos which might ensure if he fights me on this.

  “What’s on your mind, beautiful? I can see the wheels turning,” Roe says.

  “Nothing. Trying to enjoy our last night together.” I have perfected lying with a smile since meeting Roe.

  “I’m not buying it. You’re doing that cute thing with your nose which you do when you’re deep in thought. You’re wrinkling it like you didn’t like what you were thinking about.”

  “I don’t know. I guess I’m kind of sad.”

  “I know. It’s not like we won’t ever see each other again, though. You know, California is pretty nice around Thanksgiving. Maybe your parents would let you come visit.” He sounds hopeful and that breaks my heart a little bit more.