“I know. That’s a long time from now and you never know what can happen between now and then.”
“You’re right. A lot can happen but do you know what won’t happen between now and then?”
“What’s that?”
“I won’t love you any less than I do right now. I won’t miss you any less than I will when I watch you drive away tomorrow. If anything, Mac, I will want you more.”
I love this man, inside and out. He’s the perfect person for me. He gets me. He knows exactly what to say to make me want to change my mind but I won’t. I won’t change it because I’m doing this for him. I have to remind myself of that. All of this is to spare him a greater heartache later on.
I let Roe make love to me one last time. It doesn’t feel final in any way. I was expecting it to feel different than the last time or the first time but it doesn’t. It feels like it should. Love.
Sleep eludes me for most of the night. I spend half the night on my tablet, reading a romance novel which I never had a chance to read like I had planned. I read about half-way through and couldn’t control my emotions any longer. I burst into tears. By the time I got my breathing under control again, the tears slowed down and I decided to pack.
At 6:00am I found myself in the kitchen brewing coffee. We were planning on leaving around 10:00am so I knew my parents would be up any minute. I wanted to make sure that my timing was good today, for a change. I needed to sneak over to Roe’s house around 9:30am and talk to him. That way if he decided to attempt to change my mind there wouldn’t be enough time.
I’m an awful person.
My parents shuffle into the kitchen and their surprise to see me already up is apparent. On a normal day, they would be dragging me out of bed an hour before we need to leave. That’s the way that it was the day we left to come here. That’s part of why I am always running late. I like to sleep in.
“Morning.”
“MacKenna. What are you doing up already?” Leave it to Dad to get right to the point.
“I was having a hard time sleeping last night so I packed and I’m ready to go whenever everyone else is.”
“Uh…You’re packed? As in, we won’t be waiting on you to leave?” I nod once and smile at my dad. “Where is my daughter and who are you?”
“Funny, Dad. I need to say goodbye to Roe before we leave so let me know when everyone is ready. I told him I would come over before we leave. I’m going to go take a shower,” I say as I pick up my steaming cup of coffee and walk past them. I’m pretty sure they were both still in shock to see me awake.
I make my way over to Roe’s house, taking deep breaths to calm my racing heart the entire way. I know I’m about to break him. I feel awful and I haven’t even told him anything yet. I’ve planned out our “talk” in my head over and over again. Nothing seems right. There are no words.
Mr. Gamble lets me in the front door and tells me Roe is waiting for me up in his room. I’m not sure if I want to go up there. I stare at the stairs for a few seconds before my desire to get this over with kicks in. I need to do it. For Roe.
He’s sitting on his bed, his head in his hands, when I knock on his open door and startle him. He rewards me with a huge smile which I can tell is forced. Does he know?
“Hey. Can I come in?”
“Of course.”
I take the seat next to him on the bed and tuck my feet under me. I realize that it’s going to be hard to run without my feet on the floor so I drop them down. Roe reaches for my hand and I have to stand up and put space between us. I won’t be able to say this if he’s holding my hand, touching me in any way.
“Roe. There’s something that I need to say. I need you to listen, really listen, and not say anything.”
“I don’t like where this is headed, Mac. I can’t promise you that. Not after the way you jumped across the damn room when I tried to hold your hand.”
“I know this is confusing for you, for me, but I have to say it. I love you, Roe. You’ve given me the best month of my life. I’ll remember this trip and you for the rest of my life.”
“Where are you going with this, Mac? This isn’t good-by, remember? We promised each other that this wouldn’t be goodbye.”
“I know and I’m sorry.” I have to pause and take a deep breath or else I won’t make it out of here before I start to cry. Time for the truth. “I would rather break your heart now and end with happy memories than have your heart break later on when I die. It has to be this way. I want you to remember us the way we were this summer, not what we might be like if I’m sick.”
I turn to leave but he pulls me back and wraps his arms around me from behind. I’m back to that first night, him pulling me into the shadows behind the shed. The shadows where we made love for the first time.
“I love you, MacKenna Grace Trist. Now and forever and probably even after that. I’m not going to let you go that easy. I don’t care what we are about to go through if you are sick. We’ll handle it. I’ll deal with it. I’m not letting you go.” I hear the love and determination in his voice. But it’s not about that. It’s about saving him from gambling on the one thing he will eventually lose.
I step from his embrace but I don’t have the courage to look at him. “It’s not your decision, Roe. I’m letting you go.”
MAC
I come back every summer, the second week of July, the week after his birthday. I keep hoping that maybe, one day, he might be here. This is the third summer I’ve come back. I stay in the same house I did that summer but there’s a new family in Roe’s house. I didn’t expect to see him. I hoped and prayed that he would be here, but deep down, I knew better than to expect any type of miracle to happen.
I’ve had my miracle. Everyone gets one. No more, no less. Just one. My miracle came in the form of life. I’m here. That’s my miracle.
To be honest, I would like to think Roe was a miracle, too. His memory, the thought of seeing him again one day, is what kept me going most days. So, if nothing else, he played a huge part. He may not be the miracle himself, but he was part of it.
I regret giving him up so easily sometimes. Other times, I know what I did was for the best. I was sick again. The cancer had already progressed and I had a long, hard fight ahead of me. I couldn’t have let him see me go through that. I wouldn’t have been as strong knowing he was struggling to see me like that.
I will always be grateful for that summer. I will always be grateful for the memories Roe and I made. He was my first love, my only true love. I still love him and I always will. He owns the majority of my heart and there is little room for anyone else in there, especially another man.
I made room, of course. I had to. I couldn’t go on living my life with regret, something I promised myself I wouldn’t do if I survived. So I opened myself up to the possibility of falling in love again.
Then Wes came along. I love Wes, but it’s not like the love I feel for Roe. That’s part of the reason I can’t love Wes more. It’s also the main reason I won’t be coming back here next summer. I need to find a way to let go of the love I have for Roe and move on in my life. He needs to become a memory not a desire which burns deep within my soul.
I’m trying. It’s a process. They say you never forget your first. First kiss. First love. First partner. First heartbreak. Roe was a lot of firsts for me. Wes, he’ll be a first for me as well. My first husband. I’m hoping my only husband, but I guess we’ll see how that goes.
Wes proposed to me right before I left for this trip. I said yes, hoping it would help me move on. I still came here, though, so I know the steps forward which I take on a daily basis are most likely baby steps. He wanted to come with me. I thought about it for a split second and then an image of Roe filled my mind and I quickly said no.
So, here I sit, alone. The beach is deserted as it always is this time of day. The sun is setting and I’m wishing for someone to watch it with. I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them. There’s a cool breeze ton
ight and the storm which blew through a few hours ago is still rumbling off in the distance. The sky is getting darker, the sun almost completely beyond the horizon now.
I close my eyes and picture Roe, like I do every summer when I watch the sunset on this stretch of beach. He’s grinning at me. That lopsided, sexy-as-hell, devious grin that I used to love so much. I’m sure I would love it still.
I stand, brush the damp sand off the back of my dress and retreat to the house. I think tomorrow I will pack up and leave early. There’s no point in being here anymore. I have a fiancé waiting on me back home. I should go see him.
And I will, right after I stop and get a hot dog from the pier. They’re still the best I’ve ever eaten.
The trip back to California is uneventful. My flight is on time and so is Wes. I spot him waiting for me, with my bag in hand, near the baggage carousel.
He hasn’t spotted me yet so I take a moment to take him in. His sun-kissed skin looks a deeper shade of bronze than it did two days ago. His hair is still damp, probably from surfing instead of shower, based on his choice of clothing. He’s wearing his surf trunks and a t-shirt he ripped the sleeves off of. I bought him some tank tops for his birthday a few months back, thinking that he might stop ripping the sleeves off of his shirts, but I was wrong. I don’t think he’s even worn them yet.
His eyes are searching the crowd for me. If I wait long enough those deep blues will find me. I’m not in a rush to get to him. I feel like I should be, but I’m not. I tried to decompress on the plane, to push past all the feelings which had been brought back so I can move forward. With Wes. I’m pretty sure it didn’t work since I fell asleep half-way home and dreamt of Roe. Again.
I go through this every summer. I always dream about him for the first few weeks after I get home. Some of my dreams are vivid memories of our summer together. Others are dreams of what could have been if I hadn’t pushed him away. This one, this dream, was of what our future could have been.
I was walking down the aisle. There were beautiful white lilies everywhere. The breeze was blowing, ruffling my hair which was almost to the middle of my back. There was a red carpet for me to follow. I knew it was a wedding and at first I wasn’t concerned. I was, after all, planning a wedding right now. I saw my parents, sitting in the front row, smiling at me. My brothers, so grown up now, sitting next to them.
I look up and find Alexa standing in her beautiful, red, strapless dress. My maid of honor. Next to her, my roommate and other best friend, Hailey. Both are smiling at me. I look across the aisle at the other guests and that’s when I spot Roe’s parents. They’re sitting in the front row.
Realization kicks in and when I look up I find Roe, dressed to impress in a black suit, waiting for me at the end of the aisle. He’s wearing that sexy-as-hell grin I love so much. I come to an abrupt halt in the middle of the aisle and stare for a minute. I know I’m dreaming, but it all feels real.
I start running, towards Roe, but I can’t get to him. My feet are moving, my breathing is increasing, but he’s not getting any closer. I reach out for his hand and he reaches for mine. I can almost reach him, almost touch him, almost feel him.
I wake up to the sound of the pilot announcing our decent into the San Francisco International Airport. I take a deep breath, close my eyes and will myself to calm down. It felt real, too real.
Then, to make matters worse, I could have sworn I saw Roe boarding a plane at the gate next to mine. I tried to get a better look, but he was gone in an instant. It looked like him and my body was tingling with anticipation.
I tried to brush it off, knowing Wes would notice if something was wrong. It worked for the entire two seconds I was focused on it. Then I saw where the plane was headed that the Roe look-a-like had boarded.
Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.
That has to be a coincidence. Or I was seeing things. Maybe a combination of both.
Now, I feel bad for not wanting to run to my fiancé but I don’t feel like running anymore. I’m tired. I want to walk. So I do. I walk towards Wes, slowly, but with purpose. I walk towards the next chapter in my life.
“Hey, there you are. I was starting to worry about you. What took you so long? You’re plane landed almost thirty minutes ago.”
He sounds concerned and I feel bad. I can’t tell him that the real reason I wasn’t here sooner was that I was staring at the gate my Roe look-a-like walked through. I can’t tell him that after I finally got over the shock of that, I spent the next few minutes throwing up in the ladies room. I can’t tell him anything even close to the truth. He would have too many questions and I don’t have answers for him. Not ones he would like.
“There were a lot of people on the plane and they were all slowly moving ahead of me. Sorry.”
“No biggie. You hungry?”
“Starved.” At least that is the truth. I hadn’t eaten since before I boarded the plane and that was only one hot dog. One delicious hot dog which tasted much better going down than it did coming back up.
ROE
It feels the same, every year. I’m not sure why I’m even going back this summer. She hasn’t been there yet and I’m sure she won’t be there now. I have to know for sure, though.
I had planned on skipping my trip this summer. Three years of spending my birthday, alone, in Myrtle Beach, has taken its toll on me. Nevertheless, I’m going this year, only not for my birthday. Erica planned a surprise party for me last weekend so I’m getting a later start than I wanted.
Honestly, I wanted to take that as a sign to cancel the entire trip, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The family who was renting the house this week switched with me instead. They were all for it when they realized they would be there over the fourth and that I was going to let them stay a few extra days, on my dime.
I don’t really care about the money. All I care about is finding her. She let me go a long time ago, but I’ve never let her go. She’s all I think about, the only one I dream about and the only one I want. I feel bad for dating Erica but I’ve been honest with her from the beginning. She knows my heart belongs to someone else.
I’m pretty sure she’s only into me for my money and the sex. She made that apparent the first few weeks we were dating, even before I told her about Mac. I didn’t want to tell her. I never planned to tell her. I didn’t have a choice after screaming out Mac’s name during sex.
That was a bad night for me. I drank way too much, called Erica over for a tumble in the sheets, and woke up to her trashing my room. Needless to say, I didn’t remember calling her Mac. I barely remembered inviting her over.
After telling her the whole story, beginning to end, she claimed to understand. It’s been different between us since then, but I have needs and she’s there. I’m an asshat. I know it, but until I find her, there’s no reason to stop living. Mac would be pissed at me if she found out that I let my heartache keep me from moving forward.
My phone rings as I’m about to board so I step out of line. I’m expecting Erica, or my mom, but I’m not expecting her to be calling me. I should be, it’s her early call, but I’m still caught off guard.
“Hey.”
“Hey yourself. Did you find her yet? Is she there? Are you two back together?”
Leave it to Alexa to ask me twenty questions without taking a breath. I’m used to her now, thankful for her friendship. She kept in touch with me when Mac wouldn’t take my calls. She kept me posted on her prognosis and her progress. She was my lifeline for that first year. I couldn’t have made it through without her keeping me updated on how Mac was doing.
Of course, Mac doesn’t know about it. She would be livid with Alexa and probably with me as well. I would never tell Mac about our “secret relationship,” as Alexa likes to call it. She says it makes it sound more 007-ish. She’s a weird person but I love her to death.
“Hey. You there?”
“Yeah. I’m about to board my plane so the answer to all of your questions is no.”
“Erica happened. She decided to throw me a surprise birthday party. It didn’t end up being a surprise once I told her about my trip, obviously. I changed my dates but I’m still going. I’m not sure why, though. She hasn’t been there so far.”
“I know she goes. I can’t prove it but I know she does. You have to keep going. You are bound to find her. You have to. You two are meant to be together, I know it. I’ve always known it.”
“I’ve always known it, too.” I hear the final boarding call announced over the speaker. “Look, I have to board. You will be the first person I call if I find her. Deal?”
“You better. Talk to you soon.”
I hang up, shove my phone in my pocket and get back in line. I contemplate going home for about three seconds before my skin starts to tingle with anticipation. I look around, expecting to see Mac somewhere, but I don’t. I hand my ticket over and walk down the ramp to the plane, knowing that I won’t find her.
The house looks exactly like it did last summer, and the summer before. It will need a fresh coat of paint by next summer and I’m sure the back deck will need to be stained. Otherwise, it’s just as I remember it looking. Lonely.
I drop my bag in the foyer and immediately walk through the house and out the back door. It’s the first thing I do every summer. I walk down to the beach and dip my toes in the water while I stare at the house next door. The house where Mac should be, but I know she’s not.
I watch as the sun sets over the horizon, my feet still being battered by the surf. I close my eyes and let the memories come rushing back. Every kiss. Every touch. Everything. If it involved Mac, I let myself remember because after this trip, I am going to try and move on.
I was doing it for Mac. She would want me to move on, even if that meant doing it without her. It’s not what I want. I want her. I want to find her. To spend the rest of my life with her. If I do, find her that is, I don’t plan on ever letting her go again. I don’t care what she says this time.
Take a Gamble Page 10