I wait for the sun to be down completely before I grab a fresh shirt and walk towards the pier. I need a pick-me-up and the one thing which always makes me smile is that damn hot dog vendor. I haven’t been able to find one that compares. Maybe it was the company that I kept back then? I doubt it’s the hot dogs themselves.
“Hey, young man. Where were you this afternoon?”
“I’m sorry. I just got into town. You must have me confused with someone else.”
“No. I’m pretty sure I know who you are. You’ve been coming here every summer for as long as I can remember and you always stop for a dog.”
“Well, yeah.” I’m confused. What does that have to do with where I was this afternoon?
“Well, your girlfriend was here earlier. I haven’t seen her in a while. My son helps me run the cart now. I would be able to pick her out of a crowd, though. I remember that first summer you two were together. I could see how much you loved her.”
Mac. He has to be talking about Mac. I’ve never brought any other girl here, besides Sara, and I’m pretty sure he’s not referring to her.
“Today? She was here today?”
“Yeah. About eleven this morning.” Now he looks confused. “Did you not come here together?”
“No.” I say, handing him money for the hot dog and a little extra for the information. “I came here looking for her.”
I take off down the beach at full speed. The toppings of my hot dog are falling all over my hand but I don’t care. Mac is here. She’s really here. I have to get to her.
I make it back to the house in record time. My entire arm and the right side of my shirt are covered in ketchup and relish but I don’t care. All I care about is seeing Mac again. That’s all I care about, but as I stare up at the dark house next door, I realize I won’t be seeing her tonight.
Damn it!
If she’s home, I could knock on the door and wait for her to answer. If she’s not, I could be waiting a while. I’ve already been waiting four years. I can wait a little longer. I can wait until tomorrow. I don’t want to, but for Mac I will wait as long as I need to.
Sleep eludes me. The only thing I can focus on is Mac. I get up at least ten times and look out the window at the house next door. I have yet to see a light turn on. It’s been dark since I got back from the pier. Maybe she was already in bed?
By the time morning rolls around, I’m grouchy and all hope that I was holding onto last night is gone. I make my way down to the beach and around the shed. I slowly walk up the steps of the patio and approach the back door. I cover my eyes and peer inside. It’s still dark, even with the curtains open. I don’t see any signs of anyone living there.
I try the door and find it open. I know I shouldn’t, but I go inside anyway. I’ve been in here many times before but something feels different this time. I follow the stairs up to the room that I know Mac slept in, the room she fell in love with that summer. The door is open and when I step inside, I feel like I’m being bombarded.
I remember making out on her bed. How soft her lips were. The curve of her back, the swell of her breasts. The last time I was here she had just stepped out of the shower. The smell of her shampoo is assaulting my sense right now. Why can I still smell her?
It’s obvious that she was here. I know it deep down, but she’s not anymore. She’s gone. I missed her. If I had come when I had planned to maybe I would have found her this time. But that’s all I have. Maybe. Not a sure thing.
That’s it. I can’t do this to myself anymore. I can’t handle the ups, the downs, the in-between. I have to get my life back. I need to get my life back. I know exactly how to do that. Starting right now.
ROE
For two weeks I dream of Roe. Nothing like the dream I had on the plane. Nothing which felt that real, even though the things I dreamt about really did happen. The first time we met. Our first date. The night my dad caught us making out on the beach. Our trip to Chicago. The day I walked away from him.
That was a recurring dream, unfortunately. It came about every other night. Remembering the look on his face, the way his body felt against mine as he tried to hold on to me, to us. Thinking about it now, I’m almost in tears.
Thankfully, those dreams never came when I stayed the night at Wes’ place. I’m not sure I would be able to explain it to him, why I wake up crying and hyperventilating. I can barely explain it to myself. Why now? I’ve had dreams of Roe over the years, but nothing as routine as right now.
It has to be because I’m about to get married. I can’t come up with a better reason. It has to be the pressure of planning the wedding. It makes everything final. I was really, truly, moving on in my life. I’m supposed to be okay with this. This is supposed to be what I want. I know it’s what I need but I’m still not convinced it’s what I want.
Alexa thinks I’m rushing into marrying Wes. She has no idea. I know she doesn’t like him but she hasn’t liked any of the guys I’ve dated since Roe. Or before him, for that matter. Roe has been the only one she has approved of. She was pissed at me when I came home from Myrtle Beach that summer when I had followed through with my plan of breaking up with Roe. She didn’t talk to me for almost a week. Then we found out the cancer was back and she let it go.
Alexa is going to be here tomorrow to help me finish up the details for the wedding. Wes is counting down. I know I should be too, it’s a girl thing, but I’m not. I know it’s coming up in a couple of months, but I don’t know how many days. Wes would know.
Alexa has convinced me to tell Wes about Roe. I haven’t told him much about my life before meeting him. He doesn’t know I’ve had cancer, twice. He doesn’t know I’ve been in love before, that I’m still in love with same that man, and I always will be. Alexa seems to think I need to tell him everything before I promise to love and cherish him for the rest of my life.
She’s probably right. Just ask her. She’ll tell you she’s right. According to Alexa, she should be in charge of my love life so I don’t screw it up. I think she wants to be in control, she thrives on it. If I wasn’t about to get married, I would probably let her control my love life, even though she’s halfway across the country.
Right now, I need to get back to my fiancé. He’s waiting for me. I had a minor panic attack while tasting different cakes. I was able to brush it off as too much sugar in my stomach and excuse myself, but I felt it coming on. I knew it would. The second I thought I saw him through the front window of the bakery, I knew a panic attack was inevitable. It happens every time I think I see him.
“Feeling better, hun?” Wes asks, as I sit back down next to him. He rubs his hand up and down my back, trying to soothe me, but all I do is nod.
No. I’m not feeling better but we need to pick a cake or else we won’t have one.
“Yeah. I liked this one the best, I think,” I say, pointing to one which I remember tasted pretty good.
“That one was good. What about this one?”
He’s pointing to the one that which came out of my stomach. I swallow back the need to vomit. I want him to be happy yet I don’t want to sit here all day and debate which one tasted best.
“Sure. That sounds perfect.”
I let Wes place the order, excusing myself from the table to get some fresh air. What I really want to do is look up and down the sidewalk to see if I can spot him again. If it really was him.
I start walking to the car, not waiting for Wes to come out of the bakery. I’m looking around, looking for him, when I run directly into someone. I close my eyes, hoping that when I open them, Roe will be standing in front of me. That’s not the case, however.
“Excuse you,” a busty blonde snarls at me, before flipping her hair over her shoulder and continuing past me, down the sidewalk.
I stand there, in shock. Why didn’t I say something, apologize for running into her? At least I could have said a bitchy comment back to her. It’s not like I meant to run into her. It was an accident.
I feel Wes
slide up behind me and wrap his arms around my waist. He has a nice body, a comfortable body. Our bodies almost fit together perfectly. Almost.
“You left without me. In a rush to get somewhere?”
“No. I just needed some fresh air.”
“Well, how about we stop for some food on the way back to my place? Are you hungry?”
“Not really. I want to head home and take a nap, I think.” Here I go, brushing him off again. He’s going to catch on eventually.
“Alright. Well, let’s get you home then.”
I pick Alexa up at the airport the next morning. She’s a ball of energy but I didn’t sleep. I was up all night, thinking about Roe. When I did fall asleep, I dreamt of him. I finally realized I wasn’t going to be able to sleep peacefully around five this morning so I got up, went for a run and grabbed a cup of coffee on my way home.
Hailey was up by the time I got back. She was waiting for me in the kitchen, a steaming cup of coffee in her hands. I’ve told her bits and pieces about Roe. Not enough for her to really understand, but I like to talk when I’m drunk. Up until last summer, when I came home from Myrtle Beach in tears, I was pretty sure she always thought I was spouting drunken nonsense.
Apparently she was listening. She made me tell her everything. Then, we ate two pints of ice cream and watched chick flicks for the entire weekend. She’s a great roommate and a wonderful friend.
“You dreamt about him again.” It was more of a statement and less of a question. She must have heard me tossing and turning last night. I hope I didn’t keep her up all night.
“Yeah, when I was able to sleep. I gotta jump in the shower. Don’t forget, Alexa is coming into town today.”
“Yeah! I can’t wait.” Sarcasm. She gets along with Alexa just fine, but she finds her incessant chatter annoying. Most people do. Roe is the only person I know of who wasn’t bothered by it.
Alexa is waiting for me at the baggage claim. I’m late. Only a few minutes, but she still beat me. I’m sure she’s expecting me to be late. It wouldn’t be a normal day if I wasn’t late for something. Nothing like being predictable.
“Mac,” she screams and runs towards me. I have a flashback to the airport in Chicago, Alexa running towards me, Roe holding me upright. I realize a second too late that Roe won’t be behind me to keep me from falling. My ass lands on the floor and Alexa lands on top of me with a grunt.
“Sorry. I’m just so excited.”
“I know and now my ass knows too. Help me up.”
Alexa helps me to my feet after getting to hers and we hug. It really is nice to see her. Even if my butt is going to be sore for the entire time she’s here.
“Let’s get out of here and get some food. They don’t feed you on the plane anymore. I can’t believe it. It’s ridiculous for the amount of money you pay for a ticket. They should at least give you a free beverage. I forgot to bring cash so all I could have was water. I thought she was going to charge me for that for a second. It’s amazing…”
I let Alexa’s voice fade into the background as I lead us to my car. She complains about this every time she comes to visit so the first thing we always do is get food. I’ve found it’s the only way to shut her up. About the lack of food, anyway.
“So, what’s been going on with you? I haven’t talked to you much over the last few weeks. Wedding planning going okay?”
“Yeah,” I say as the waitress brings over our food. “Plans are coming along. You and I should be able to put the finishing touches on everything. Then, it’s a waiting game for the actual wedding to roll around.”
“You could sound more excited. You sound like it’s a chore or something that you are checking off your to-do list. Everything okay between you and Wes?” she asks me. I nod, taking a bite of my sandwich. “Does this have anything to do with…”
She lets her voice fade off and I’m thankful that she doesn’t say his name. I try not to say his name if I don’t have to. Alexa knows this. It brings the pain back to the surface. Not that the dreams I’ve been having are free of pain, but at least I’m not talking about him.
“No. I don’t think so.”
“So, you didn’t go to the beach this summer then?”
“I went but I only stayed a few days. I couldn’t handle it. I need to move on and that’s what I’m doing. I know I made the right decision back then, as painful as it was. If we were meant to be together, we would have found each other by now.”
“I know you think that’s true but did you ever think that maybe your paths will never cross? What then? What if they do cross after you marry Wes?”
I think about it for a second. We may never see each other again or it might happen after I’m married or it might happen tomorrow. I don’t know.
“I guess I’ll deal with it then.”
“What would you say if you saw him? Do you even know?”
“I guess I would start with I’m sorry and go from there. He’s probably moved on, anyway. It was so long ago. I left him. If anything, he’s probably still pissed at me.”
Alexa mumbles something under her breath but I don’t catch it and I don’t ask. I’m thankful she’s keeping her opinion to herself on this. As much as I love her, this is hard enough on me without her pushing me to the one person who I can’t be with.
After lunch, we meet up with Wes and Hailey at the beach to relax and hang out. We have a full day of shopping and fittings ahead of us tomorrow. It’s nice to relax and hang out with my friends.
I lay in the sand, close my eyes and let my body go limp. I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I remember is Alexa shaking me, telling me to wake up and covering my mouth.
“Are you awake?” I nod and she removes her hand from my mouth.
“What the hell was that about?” I grab my water bottle from my bag and unscrew the top. I lift it to my lips and stop as soon as she speaks.
“You were screaming Roe’s name.”
“What?”
“You were calling out for him and it sounded like you were running. You sounded out of breath. Do you remember your dream?”
I close my eyes and try to focus. I remember seeing Roe. I’m looking around and he’s the only one there. Where are we? We’re at the…oh, no!
“Yeah. I remember. Did Wes hear me?”
“No. He went out to surf a few minutes before you started screaming but he’s on his way back in right now.”
“Thanks, Alexa. I owe you.”
“Damn straight. You owe me an explanation later.”
I know she’s not going to let it go, either. I see the determination in her eyes. She’s concerned and she’s not going to let this go. I guess if I have to tell someone about the dream, it should be her. After all, she would be my maid of honor if I were to marry Roe. The only reason she’s not this time is because she lives so far away. Hailey is closer and can help me more. It made sense that way.
Oh, and she doesn’t like Wes. Yeah, that’s a big part of it.
ROE
Erica is in a “special” kind of mood today. She has been for almost a month now. I want to break things off with her. I want to find someone new, start fresh. If I’m going to move on with my life, I feel like I should. I think she knows that it’s coming; the end.
“Roe, can we please go somewhere else tonight? I don’t really want to hang out with a bunch of drunk surfers.” Her voice is incredibly annoying when she whines. It goes up a few octaves and I cringe on the inside every time.
“Sure. Whatever. Why don’t you go and hang out with your friends and I’ll go hang out with mine. Sound good? Great. It’s settled then.” I’m being an ass and I don’t care. Normally, I would give in just to make her shut up so I don’t have to listen to her voice, but not today. Today has not been a good day for me.
Once a year. That’s all I normally talk to her. Then she called me this morning. I thought the worst, that something had happened to Mac, but she promised me that Mac was fine. I didn’t like the
way she said fine but I didn’t question her. Alexa has rules, boundaries she won’t cross, lines in the sand, whatever you want to call them.
There are questions I want to ask. Where does Mac live? What school does she go to? Is she seeing anyone? Does she still think about me? The list could go on and on but I can’t ask these questions. It’s not allowed. Just like I’m not allowed to give Alexa any information about my life. Everything is a secret.
“What’s up?”
“I wanted to check in and see how your trip went. I’m going to guess you didn’t find her since I visited her last week and she didn’t mention anything.”
Something is going on. Alexa is never this silent. If she doesn’t ask me at least three questions before I have the chance to answer even one, something is up. Now, it’s a matter of getting her to volunteer the information. She won’t tell me if I ask.
“Nope. I didn’t find her but she was there. I missed her by less than a day.”
“Really? How do you know?”
“I went down to the pier for a hot dog and the vendor remembered us and asked why I wasn’t with her that morning when she stopped. I rushed back to the house but it was dark. I waited until the next day, and when I went over there I could still smell her shampoo in her room.”
I try to hide the sorrow, the defeat in my voice, but it’s there. I don’t have to hide it with Alexa. She’s the only person who I don’t have to hide it from. She knows how I feel, how destroyed I was that summer.
“I can’t believe you just missed her. That sucks.”
“Yeah.” I pause, because I know that what I’m about to say next will be hard to admit to her. “Alexa, I think it might be time.”
“I know you’re not saying what I think you’re saying. It’s not time. If anything, it’s time to fight harder, to push harder, to find her damn it. I’m sick of the two of you pining over one another. You both need to get your shit together and be together.”
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