by Lisa Cardiff
“Alec?” she said, lightly brushing her knuckles against the door.
Still nothing and blood started pounded in her ears. If he wanted her to leave, he didn’t need to hide. She wasn’t a child. Frustrated, she turned the knob and pushed the door open. Alec sat on the edge of the tub, his head cradled in his hands.
“Are you okay?” she whispered.
He looked up. His blue eyes looked haunted. “I don’t know.”
What the hell did that mean? She folded her arms across her chest. “If you want me to leave, you can ask. You don’t have to hide in the bathroom.”
“No.” He shook his head. “I just can’t get the conversation with my mom out of my head and I needed a minute, but if I’m making you uncomfortable, you can leave.”
“You mean the thing about asking for forgiveness?”
He stood up. “Yeah, that and a few other things. It’s not important. Let’s go back to sleep.”
Wrapping his hand around the nape of her neck and rubbing it gently, he guided her out the door.
“Maybe you’d feel better if you shared whatever you’re thinking about.”
He exhaled. “Not tonight. Tonight, I want to escape.”
“Later?” She didn’t know why she wanted to push the issue. Alec hadn’t promised her anything, and even though she hadn’t known him for a long time, she knew he didn’t like to share. He said he needed her tonight, but that didn’t mean he wanted anything besides a warm body and that thought left her cold.
“Ask me tomorrow.” He kissed the top of her head. “Maybe it will seem better in the morning.”
“Tomorrow morning?”
“Yes.” He slid his hands up and down her arms. “I’m too tired to make sense of it tonight, and even if I could, I just want to think about something else.”
Chapter Thirteen
Alec’s eyes fluttered open, his legs still tangled with Violet’s. He turned his head, coming face to face with her very open and alert pale blue eyes. Her white blonde hair fanned the sheet beneath her head and she looked so damn pretty and fresh in the morning. It literally sucked the oxygen out of his lungs.
A faint smile tickled the corner of her lips.
“You’re still here,” he said, one of his fingers ghosting along the silken skin of her pale pink lips.
“Were you hoping I’d leave before you woke up?”
“No.” He shook his head. He liked seeing her face in the morning. It made him feel hopeful and alive rather than waking up with the heavy weight of all his guilt and regrets reflected back at him. “It’s Saturday.” His hands threaded through her soft hair, twisting it around his fingers. “Do you have any plans today?”
Not answering the question, she braced her body on her elbows as she watched his face. He didn’t know what she thought she’d find. He mastered his poker face as a kid and even his closest friends didn’t understand him most of the time. It was a lonely existence, but he didn’t have a choice, not when his mother had crafted his life around a lie that came to a fiery end—the death of the man he thought was his father. Living in the shadows seemed so much easier than vomiting his wounds for everyone to see.
“My brother’s coming home next week. I need to get some stuff lined up for him at the Foundation. He likes to volunteer there when he’s in town. He takes the kids on field trips.”
“Field trips?”
“Hiking or fly fishing mostly, and now that the Foundation has some money I can plan something bigger. I was thinking about an overnight camping trip the weekend he gets back or maybe rafting. I love rafting.”
“What day is he coming home?” Alec turned his head away from her. He didn’t know much about Violet’s brother, but he was one more person who could expose his identity to Violet.
“Next Thursday, give or take a day or a week. Ryder is kind of unpredictable.”
Sitting up, hanging his feet over the side of the bed, he nodded. He either needed to tell Violet who he really was soon or leave before she had the opportunity to put the pieces together, so that left a little under a week to decide what to do with her and his dad. Not much time, but it was probably better that way. He didn’t need to complicate his time in Montana anymore than he already had by sleeping with Violet last night. Get in, get out, and move on with his life.
“What’s on your schedule for the day?” She sat up behind him, her bare skin brushing against his back.
Normally, the women who passed through his life never made it to the point where they were still around in the morning. He’d been with more than his fair share of women since Chasing Ruin made it into the big leagues, but none of those women came close to capturing his interest like Violet had from the moment he saw her. This was uncharted territory for him, and even though he should tell her to leave, he didn’t. He couldn’t find the right words to navigate the situation. The minute she walked out the door, reality would come crashing down around him again. For some reason, Violet kept his demons in check, something no one else had ever managed to do. He leaned forward, scooping his rings off the nightstand and slid them on his fingers one by one. “I need to visit someone.”
“Who?”
“My dad,” he answered, practically spitting the words out of his mouth. Referring to Brad as his dad left a sour taste in his mouth. It disrespected the man who he called dad for the first ten years of his life, the man who he succeeded in driving to his death with a simple question. Brad could never be his dad. It was too late for him to fill that role, but last night when he sat in the bathroom alone, he decided to seek him out one more time and hear his story unless he slammed the door in his face again, and in that case, he’d finally be able to close the door on this town forever.
She kissed the top of his shoulder, her hands moving slowly up and down his arms. “Are your parents still married?’
Well, damn. Even that question couldn’t be answered simply. His life was a minefield. “They were never married.” He shrugged her hands off his shoulders and stood up. Without turning around, he shoved his legs into his jeans from last night. He needed some coffee fast. His head was already pounding and he could feel Violet’s unspoken questions bouncing around in the air, putting him on edge, and he didn’t need to be any more anxious than he already felt.
He could hear the slide of fabric against her unmarred skin as she dressed and it took all his energy not to turn around and watch. Spending all day exploring Violet, getting to know every little thing about her sexy, cute as sin body sounded infinitely better than knocking on the door of the man who hovered over his life like a specter. As much as that appealed to him, he kept his eyes trained on the coffee pot, trying to figure out the right amount of coffee grounds to dump in the machine. Where the hell was the nearest coffee shop when he needed one?
“Are you close?” Violet asked, pulling two blue speckled metal mugs from one of the upper cabinets. They looked more like something that belonged on a camping trip than in the kitchen. She slid them on the counter next to the coffee pot.
“No.”
“When’s the last time you saw him?”
Eighteen years, two months and three days ago. The day the man he believed was his father died in a car crash. Brad hadn’t bothered with Alec since, and even though his mom admitted to blocking Brad from seeing him, it wouldn’t have been difficult to circumvent her and fight for him. His mom spent more than half of his childhood drowning in a bottle of whiskey and god knows what else. That fact alone would have steered any judge away from believing her twisted lies. “A long time ago,” he answered, not wanting to get into the gory details of his life. Not even Taylor knew the man they considered their dad wasn’t his dad, just hers, and he’d stolen him from her with a slip of his tongue.
“Hm.” She leaned one hip against the countertop, brushing her tangled blonde hair from her face. “I know this is technically my apartment, but you can ask me to leave.”
He lifted the carafe and poured coffee into both of the mugs. Part
of him liked the idea of hanging out with Violet today. The other part of him loved the idea, and that was exactly why he should ask her to leave. Violet didn’t belong in his world. She was soft, caring, and everything that any man with half a brain would want, and that was exactly why he needed to show her the door. His life would corrode her beauty from the inside out. There was too much going on in his life right then and he probably couldn’t handle adding Violet into the mix. His mom had cancer, she finally went to rehab after decades of needing it, his real dad was threatening to enter his life, and in the middle of all that was Violet, twisting herself into every beat of his heart with every additional moment he spent with her.
“I know. I’m sorry for not being more upfront, but I need my space.” Her face fell and she looked at the floor. Acid burned his stomach. “It’s not you,” he finally said, lifting one of the mugs and offering it to her. “I just don’t do relationships or the morning after shit. I’m a fucking mess and I can’t be half the person you deserve. Don’t take this personally.”
She laughed, not a small chuckle, but a big stomach moving, shoulder-shaking laugh. “Oh. Okay. We’re going to do the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ routine.” She waved away the coffee. “Save your breath. I’ve heard all the lines before. Have a nice life, Alec. I’ll see you around.” She shrugged, her back to him as she headed for the front door. “Or maybe not.”
When she flung the door open, a quick stabbing pain seized his heart. “Violet. Wait,” he yelled after her, not even sure why he stopped her. There wasn’t anything to say. He didn’t want to corrupt her with the lies, guilt, and betrayal that were the fabric of his life.
She spun around, her hand still glued to the doorknob as though it connected her to a life away from him. He took in her flawless skin, her glowing and slightly glossy blue eyes. Fuck, she was going to cry. There were a thousand things he wanted to tell her, like how beautiful and thoughtful she was and that her compassion amazed him, but he had a feeling she wouldn’t believe any of them. Pushing her away had everything to do with him and nothing to do with her. He didn’t deserve her. He didn’t deserve anyone. He had stolen Taylor’s childhood with one question, he had stolen his mom’s life by being born, and he had stolen the life of the man he called dad. Hell, he had probably ruined Brad’s life somehow, too. He was sure Brad would enlighten him if he gave him the chance.
He was a big fucking curse and he refused to taint Violet more than he already had. Taking in Violet’s wide eyes, angelic innocence, and the goodness pouring out of her with every breath, he needed to get away from her. Yes, he wanted Violet more than anything he had wanted in a long time, but letting her go was the best thing he could do for her. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, holding his hand out to her. “I really am, but if you knew me, I mean really knew me, you’d run out that door as fast as humanly possible.”
“Then tell what you’re so afraid of me knowing about you and I’ll decide for myself whether I think you’re worth my time. Don’t you think you owe me that?”
No way, he couldn’t tell her everything. The look on her face would slay him. Some things were better left unsaid. “I can’t. Maybe that makes me a coward, but I can’t stand the thought of you hating me.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry for what happened last night. I shouldn’t have pushed you into being with me. I should have left you alone and untainted.”
A faint smile teased the corners of her lips. The same ones he couldn’t kiss enough last night. She pushed her velvety soft hair behind her shoulders and his fingers tingled with longing to feel the pale strands melt through his fingertips and tangle in the rings on his fingers. “There’s nothing to be sorry for. You didn’t promise me anything.”
No, he didn’t, but he had saved her from himself and that was the best present she’d ever get. Too bad she’d never know about it. He had two things left on his agenda before he left Montana forever. The first included making contact with Brad and the second was shoring up a steady stream of donations for the Foundation, or at least financial independence from the family that owned the building. He owed it to the organization that had pulled him off his path of destruction and put him on another path. The path that led him to Chasing Ruin, the only thing that he’d ever have, the only thing good to touch his life.
Being with Violet was a pipe dream and he didn’t indulge in dreams anymore. Too many had been torn from him. Besides, if she could look into his soul and see the darkness swirling around him, she’d run away from him. He shouldn’t waste his time thinking someone could love him. If his mom and dad didn’t want anything to do with him, Violet wouldn’t, either.
She looked down, tapping her foot on the floor as though she had something else to say, but she took one more look at him, her eyes tormented, shook her head and stalked out the door, taking his heart and his last glimmer of hope with her.
Chapter Fourteen
Violet didn’t bother going back into her house after Alec dismissed her from his bed and his life. She needed to be miles away from Alec and fast. Spending the afternoon riding her horse at her parents’ ranch with the wind whipping through her hair and stinging her cheeks sounded perfect, but her parents would insist she stayed for dinner, and dinner entailed listening to another one of her mother’s lectures. Nope, not happening. She had enough doubts and regrets biting at her heels without having her mother shovel another pile on her today. With her brother still out of town, that left her with one option: Annette.
Annette had been her best friend for as long as she could remember. Growing up, Annette’s family had owned the neighboring ranch, and while they had nothing in common when they met at the age of five, they forged a deep friendship that had weathered high school drama, college boyfriends, and different career goals and aspirations.
Opening her car door, she pulled down the visor to study her reflection. Not too bad. Her hair looked a little crazy and her clothes were hopelessly wrinkled, but other than that she looked fine…on the outside. On the inside, she was bleeding a little from her encounter with Alec and she still felt the ghost of his hands and lips tattooed all over her body, but she’d be fine in a couple days. She didn’t fall into Alec’s bed hoping for some long-term, lasting relationship. Last night, he said he needed her and it was as though he had muttered the magic words. Admittedly, she was a sucker for people who needed her. She’d never been able to turn people away. Her career at the Foundation testified to that fact. Even when she could barely feed herself, she still worried more about the kids at the Foundation who may not be able to eat if she didn’t keep the doors open.
Ten minutes later, she knocked on Annette’s door.
“No way,” Annette said, flinging her door open. Annette’s mother was Irish and her dad was Native American. Together they created the most beautiful woman Violet had ever seen. She had high cheekbones, long shiny dark hair, and almond shaped hazel eyes.
“What?” Violet lifted her shoulders and hands and then dropped them, all the while trying not to smile, because smiling, at that moment, kind of hurt her determined frown.
“Am I seeing things? Is that Violet Emerson on my front doorstep or just a mirage created by withdrawal from my best friend?” Annette pushed her long dark hair over her shoulder as she leaned forward, pretending to get a better look.
Violet rolled her eyes. Annette always teased her about making more time for them, not because she was mad, but because they had known each other long enough to understand that hurt feelings didn’t have a place in their friendship, only total honesty. “It’s only been a couple weeks.”
“More like four weeks and two days.”
“Have you been counting?” A faint smile skimmed across Violet’s lips. Only Annette and her mathematical mind would actually bother to count the days so she could give her a hard time. Numbers were Annette’s thing even though she pretended to be flighty and unconcerned; she loved everything to do with slicing and dicing numbers. Thus, her chosen profession as an accountant.
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“Of course. I take note of every slight and make a mental note to unload them on you later when I need a favor.”
Violet snorted. “I wouldn’t doubt it. Can I come in now?”
“What’s your excuse?” Annette folded her arms across her chest, blocking the entrance to her house, her eyes dancing mischievously.
“Excuse for what?”
“Neglecting me.”
“The same reason as always.” Violet stuffed her hands into the pockets of her cotton skirt.
“The Foundation,” Annette said, practically spitting the words from her mouth. “You can’t let that place take over your life. You need to make time for Violet, too.”
“I’m trying, but it’s really just me there now. The last two employees quit. I think they saw the writing on the wall.”
“Ah, so more slave labor for you. What do you make now? A dollar an hour?”
“If I’m lucky.”
Annette opened the door wider and waved for her to come in. “I was hoping you finally met a guy that could keep your attention for more than a few weeks and you were so madly in lust that you forgot my number.”
Violet rolled her eyes.
“Speaking of men, how is Eric these days?”
Violet waved her hand dismissively. “Eric’s long gone. He didn’t like my commitment to the Foundation.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m not. I’ve barely noticed his departure from my life.”
“Ah…another one of those.”
“There is a guy, though…a new guy.” Violet cocked her head to the side. “Well, maybe not anymore. That’s kind of why I’m here.”
Violet walked into Annette’s house and sat on the sofa in the living room. Annette’s home was a mixture of antiques and hundreds of random little trinkets from her travels. After college Annette had traveled for a year, but not the standard European backpacking tour most college kids did. She traveled from Peru through the Amazon, all the way to Patagonia with her boyfriend. They were no longer together, but Annette still talked about living out of a backpack exploring different cultures. “So what’s the story?”