Nothing Matters (Family Matters Book 1)

by Key, Liana

  Then Magdala's voice was beside us, "Flynn?" And she joined us in a three way hug, and somehow the sobs became sniffs, then giggles and Magdala kissed me and then Cassian, and we laughed and recalled the delivery, all the details, the good and bad, the screams, the suffering, the joy and pure happiness. It was like I'd had my blow out, my release of tears and could then move on. And that's what we celebrated that evening, the birth day of our darling little girl, with cake, candles and balloons, and all things glittery.

  After a couple of beers I had relaxed and did the rounds of all the visitors and everyone complimented Mom and Dad on a great night. Both families got on so well that it almost seemed like they were preparing for the next party which would be Cassidy's one year anniversary. Magdala, Cassian, Jakey and Raff were out by the pool. Jakey and Raff had been drinking, and Magdala had had a few drinks, but Cassian was drinking juice. I went and joined them, squeezing in between Magdala and Jakey.

  "What a day," Jakey said. "How quickly time flies." Magdala took my hand, smiled, leaned her head against me. My whole body responded to her touch, in a sexual way. That hadn't happened for some time. Maybe it was the alcohol. I turned my head and kissed her cheek.

  "It's been so nice having everyone together," Magdala said.

  "And for a happy occasion," Jakey replied. It then occurred to me that everyone did consider this to be a celebration, even Magdala, that so far she hadn't broken down, she'd been strong, stronger than me. I realized then that I wanted her, wanted her in that way, wanted her badly. I squeezed her hand tighter.

  Most people were moving on, it was getting close to midnight, but Jakey and Raff grabbed another drink and didn't look like they were in a hurry to leave. Someone brought out more food. Magdala got up to use the bathroom, and I waited a few minutes, then got up and went into the kitchen. I loitered in the hallway, pretending to be looking at the cards that people had brought. In lieu of gifts we had asked people to donate to child cancer and there were quite a few generous donations. Magdala saw me and stopped, looking over my shoulder reading the cards. My arm slipped around her waist and she leaned into me again. I bent down and kissed her on the lips, my heart was racing, hoping she'd respond, and she did. My tongue then pushed through, tasting, exploring. My other arm went around her too and the intensity amped up. Her tongue pressed through, her arms stroked my back. Seconds passed, surely a minute. I briefly pulled back, our eyes locked. I gently gestured towards my bedroom and we did a fast walk down the hall, closing and locking the door behind us.

  Another flurry of kisses mingling the tastes of my beer and her rum and cola, alcohol releasing our inhibitions, our bodies relaxing into each other as we sat on the bed, then laid down, the moment, the situation, the circumstances aligning in such a way that there was no thinking, no considerations, no implications, no connected ideas, no rational judgment. Though I did produce and put on a condom. And we made love on that same bed where Cassidy had been conceived, and afterwards there were no declarations, no consequences, no apologies, no regrets.

  MAGDALA

  Dad wanted me to go around for dinner on Cassidy's first birthday, he'd said Antonia was planning something. He made me think that I better not refuse, that it sounded like Antonia was putting a lot of effort into it. So I agreed. Flynn had texted and wanted to get together too, so I told him I'd come around later. As it was, Cassian was driving that night and he said we'd go by Flynn's first so I imagined that meant Dad had invited him for dinner too.

  But then it turned out there was a surprise party at Flynn's place, that Julie had organized it, that everyone was there. All my aunts, uncles, cousins, Grandad, Flynn's friends from school, his aunts, uncles and cousins, grandparents. Because it was so unexpected I didn't have a chance to get upset, and by time I greeted and hugged a few people I could only be in a good mood. Julie had done a great job of decorating and it looked exactly like a party we would have planned for Cassidy - had she been alive. I was touching the butterfly candles when Jakey put a drink in my hand, a bottle of rum and cola pre-mix.

  "Just drink it," he said, as he fingered the pink pony placemats. I looked at him, half shocked, because I don't usually drink alcohol, other than an occasional beer, but he said, "You're going to need it." And so with his arm around my waist, I took a swig. "Okay?" he asked and I nodded. The taste was fine, I didn't mind it at all. I took another swig. He smiled, "Enjoy yourself baby girl, just have some fun."

  More people came up to me, many I hadn't seen since the funeral and maybe I would have broken down by this stage, but the alcohol seemed to take the edge off, and no sooner had I finished the first bottle, then Jakey replaced it.

  Then I saw Flynn. He was with Cassian, in a bear hug and it looked like he was crying. I took another sip of my drink and approached them. "Flynn?" I asked, slightly confused, because usually Flynn avoided Cash. He never made any secret of the fact either and I presumed it was because he thought Cash blamed him for leaving me. He glanced up, and his eyes were streaming and I joined the hug, and I started welling up too, but then Cash said, "Here's to remembering the best day of our lives." We released and I kissed them both and we recalled that day as vividly as if it were yesterday, with the tears subsiding, the laughter arising, the screams remembered, and the photos on our phones a reminder of the precious little girl who changed our lives.

  I was more social that night than I'd ever been and I guessed it was due to the alcohol. Jakey and Raff kept me topped up, and it actually reminded me of the only other time I'd gotten drunk, which was at the party with Nathan. I smiled as I recalled that night, where I'd been so happy, so mouthy, playing football in a dress and heels. I was thinking about all this when Flynn came and joined us, sitting between me and Jakey. I snuggled into Flynn, still thinking of Nathan and that night. Hell, I hadn't thought of Nathan for months and months, and I suddenly wondered what he would be up to now. He would have graduated when Jakey and Cash did but he never had college plans. He'd be an electrician like his Dad, or a builder, a plumber or something like that he had always said. I vaguely wondered what he'd chosen. Actually he had sent a card when Cassidy died, I was sure of it. I thought I must check when I got home. Flynn kissed my cheek, squeezed my hand tighter and I squeezed back, a shiver running through me. I got up and used the bathroom, the thing with drinking is it made you go more frequently. Crazily I carried my bottle in with me. Flynn was looking at the cards people had given for Cassidy. He put his arm around me as I read through them with him, and then, in what seemed like an act of spontaneity, we were kissing and then he directed me towards his room and we moved quickly, like we didn't want anyone to see us.

  We continued kissing, I took a last swig of my drink and we were on the bed, more kissing, underwear removed, condom rolled on, and my mind was fuzzy, but I was aware of what I was doing. But it almost felt like I was observing it all, looking down on the two of us making love. Watching myself touch and feel and grope along his back, his shoulders, and him sliding his body alongside mine, sending it into spasms of sensations, but somehow it didn't seem like my body and mind were connected, that things were happening independently.

  Afterward we both laid there, and I realized we'd hardly spoken, only the occasional moan or groan and Flynn said, "We don't want them wondering where we've gone," and he got up, removed the condom and went into his bathroom. I pulled my panties back on, ran my hand through my hair and went down to the kitchen. I poured myself a glass of water and sat at the table where Antonia and Julie and several other ladies were talking. Antonia put her arm around me, pushed a plate of pizza closer to me, so I grabbed a piece. I saw Flynn walk through towards the pool area, another beer in his hand. We smiled at each other. He went and sat with the boys. I could feel myself falling asleep on Antonia's shoulder, and then I felt Cassian taking me to the car and the next morning I woke up in my own bed, in my pajamas, my makeup smeared under my eyes.

  I actually had a good few weeks at school, but I use the term good lightly,
only to describe that I went on a daily basis. It was probably helped by the fact that the weather had been bad too, a lot of wind which wasn't conducive to good surf conditions. Funny that I'd prefer to stay in class than get swept away on the waves.

  It was a Sunday when I went up the coast to Malibu, the conditions were supposed to be excellent, so I had even packed some snacks in case I made a day of it. There were a lot of surfers and that was okay. Some days I preferred to be on my own, other days I didn't mind being amongst a lot of others. There was no rhyme or reason to my feelings.

  I didn't get home till after four, and I thought Cassian might have been home but his car wasn't there, so I just made myself a sandwich and lay on the sofa. I must have dozed off, because the next thing I was hearing frantic knocking on the door, and upon opening it, Jakey and Raff pushed through, both of them talking at once, How is he? Where is he? How's his face?

  I had no idea what they were talking about, but they went straight towards Cassian's room, so I followed. Cash was just sitting up, as if he'd been asleep. My eyes widened at seeing his face. His left eye was swollen and bruised, closed over. I wondered how long he'd been in his room, how Jakey and Raff knew he was there, where his car was.

  "What's going on?" I demanded, "what's happening? What happened?" I may as well have been talking to a brick wall; no one was taking any notice of me. I sat on the bed next to him, getting a closer look at his face, it wasn't pretty. Jakey was laughing, swearing, then talking about Paola.

  I couldn't follow the conversation, couldn't make any sense of it, couldn't connect the dots. Paola, his old boss from Assisi, her fiancée, a fight, being caught, screwing, fucking. I needed some clarification about Paola.

  "You mean you were seeing her? Like a girlfriend?" But, I was thinking, wasn't she in her twenties, like well into her twenties?

  "His lover," Jakey offered.

  "Yes," he revealed. "We...we...were together for awhile, but then broke up. She met someone else."

  "Someone her own age," Jakey laughed.

  "Fuck, Jakey!" Cash shouted. "Just let me finish, for fuck sake." He glared at him, then looked at me. "I love her, like love her so much, but she said it would never work." He looked at me with such sincerity that I wondered if I was meant to feel sorry for him.

  "So, you were seeing her for like how long? Since you started working there?" I couldn't visualize it, him and his boss. She was a beautiful woman, very stylish, very confident. What did she see in Cash? He was just a high school kid, a waiter.

  "Yes, a year I guess." I wondered how I hadn't known this. What had happened to the girl from the tennis squad?

  "And you never thought to tell me?" I felt a pang of sadness, and a twinge of anger, wondering why he'd never confided in me.

  "It's not that I didn't want to tell you Magdala," he said, "it's just that it was so complicated. Only Jakey knew."

  I glanced at Jakey, who said he'd been sworn to secrecy.

  "Was she the one you came back from Hawaii for? Is that why you left early?" I recalled back to summer, how he'd ended up going home because he said he had to start work. He nodded. But he hadn't started work, he'd gone away with her, up to Carmel. "And now what?” I asked, "You just started seeing her again? You're having an affair with an engaged woman?" My voice was now accusing, scathing of him.

  "I didn't know she was engaged!" he exclaimed as if none of this was his fault.

  And her fiancée caught you? Like physically caught you?" It was sounding like a movie script, a bad movie script.

  "Yeah, were you like in the middle of it or what? And where were you?" Jakey was riling him up with his questions, that I could tell.

  Cassian's composure broke. His voice became sarcastic. "We were in her fucking office," he said loudly, his eyes on Jakey. "I'd already fucked her against the wall. She was on the desk," he said, "her legs were spread, I was squatting down, my mouth was on her...You got the fucking picture?" he said viciously. "And in he walked."

  Jakey and Raff laughed, laughed as if this behavior was acceptable, as if talking like this was all right, allowable. I felt something inside me snap, break, talking about sex like this, as if it was a game, an act, something to be boasting about. I got off the bed.

  "You fucking disgust me," I said, stunned by his attitude. "I don't even know you Cassian Strauss." I stared at him, unable to grasp that my brother, my own brother was involved in this type of behavior, would talk about a woman so demeaningly.

  "Magdala?" he stuttered, his control, his usually masterful control gone, "Magdala, I didn't mean it like..."

  But I had no tolerance for him now, absolutely none. "Get out of here Cash. I don't want you living here. You're disgusting."

  "Magdala," he pleaded, "it's not like that. I love Paola, I love her." But I believed none of it. If you loved someone you wouldn't speak about them like that. You wouldn't describe your relationship the way he had, with complete lack of respect, speaking about her as if she were an object, treating her without any dignity.

  "Just get out of here," I moved towards him, now pointing my finger. "You're a liar, you're a cheat, and I don't even know you anymore. Just get out of my house." I felt myself about to cry, Jakey tried to restrain me.

  "Magdala," he said, "hey," but I shrugged out of his hold.

  "The whole lot of you," I shouted, looking at them all, "you all think this is a laugh. You think this is funny." My tears were unstoppable. "But you -" And I grabbed Cassian's shirt, pulled it, I so wanted to hit him, to pummel him. "You, my brother, my big brother." I was looking at him, but it was like looking at a stranger, someone I didn't recognize. "I don't know you. I don't even fucking know you. You're despicable...you're -" He put his arm on my shoulder, but the thought of him even touching me was repugnant. I shrugged it off forcefully. "I mean it." My voice was shrill, shaky, obscenities flowing. "I want you fucking gone. Go fucking home." And I stared at him, into his one open eye, the boy everyone said had beautiful eyes, striking eyes, but all I saw was ugliness, and the beginnings of tears. The boy who never cried, who didn't like to show weakness, who liked to think he was always in control, the boy who had been my hero, my protector, my world.

  I suddenly realized I didn't know him at all.

  I woke up the next morning with no intention of going to school. Jakey, who had slept on the sofa, was eating breakfast, saying he had an early class. I told him I was fine, that he could go, I promised I wasn't going to do anything stupid.

  Dad rang me. "How are you doing princess?"

  "I'm fine," I said.

  "Are you going to school?"

  "I don't feel that great," I then said.

  "Magdala," he growled.

  "I need to surf Dad," I said, having already checked that the conditions were good again today. "I need to clear my head."

  "Let me meet you then," he said. So I told him where I was going, and he phoned the school. Cassian texted me: hey, how r u, I'm sorry, so sorry, don't hate me. I ignored it, deleted it. I wanted nothing to do with him.

  Dad was already in the water when I turned up. He said he had an appointment a little later, so he would just hang around for an hour or so. He said Cash hadn't slept very well last night and had a bad headache. I didn't make any comment.

  "Magdala," Dad said. "He feels bad, like real bad about what's happened."

  I paddled a bit further out, pretending to be scanning the horizon. "You two never fight," he said, "and I don't like you being like this."

  "You knew?" Though I figured that he had known. None of this seemed to be that shocking to him.

  "Yes, I found out," he said, "but only when he came back from Hawaii."

  "And you knew they had broken up?" I probed.

  "Yes, I knew."

  "And you think it's all right that he's sleeping with her, even though she's engaged to someone else?" I could see some waves approaching.

  "No, of course not," he said. "I can't condone that."

  I looked towards t
he wave, preparing myself. "I don't know who he is Dad," I said, rising on my board, making the ride, then paddling back towards him.

  "He's your brother," Dad said, when I returned, "and you know he loves you more than anything."

  My brother. Who had always played with me, who had always tidied up after me, who had made my bed every morning, who had packed my lunch and carried my surfboard. Who had gone with me to my mother's house, who had made me hit tennis balls with him all afternoon, who had sat and listened to me practice the piano, who finished my meals if I couldn't, who ironed and folded my clothes.

  My brother. Who never criticized my love life or relationships. Who had cried when I was raped. Who had rejoiced when I was pregnant, who had helped deliver my daughter. Who had been my rock when we buried her.

  My brother, who had no mother of his own, who never talked about his own feelings, never shared his thoughts or dreams, never had any dramas.

  I didn't reply. I paddled out further. Paddled, searching the horizon. That's all I wanted to think about, paddling and waves. I didn't want to think about Cassian and his web of deception, his contradictory life, didn't want to deal with it.

  He texted me all throughout the day, but I never read them. He rang me, but I ignored the calls. Jakey came back with a bag of clothes and I changed the sheets on Cassian's bed so he could sleep there, even though I said I was fine on my own. Raff came over and ate dinner with us.

  Jakey went surfing with me the next morning, he said his first class wasn't until eleven. Antonia brought the kids around when they finished school and we all went out to a cafe for coffee and cake. Damon told me Cassian's face was purple. Again he'd been texting me all day, but still I ignored him.