Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy With Multiple Partners

by Deborah M. Anapol

  Graham says that although he was drawn to multiple partners from an early age, more recently he’s come to appreciate that polyamory is an extension of the theme of unity consciousness, which has also led him to actively involve himself with spiritual, political, and social issues. Polyamory got more interesting to Graham when he “started to see that freeing up the way you love and holding your heart open to the possibilities that life may bring is a very powerful way to live. Being able to look at a partner and feel an outpouring of emotion and love for them, but without a need to be possessive or controlling, is genuinely life changing. My interest in equality, LGBTQ, and feminist ideas also seemed to be given greater power by exploring polyamory or relationship anarchy. When I first identified as polyamorous, I had already recently become vegan as an extension of my values, so becoming open to greater loving possibilities seemed the logical next step towards greater compassion, awareness, and understanding.”

  Daniel, like Graham, is part of a new generation who are taking on leadership positions in the world of polyamory. Daniel is a twenty-three-yearold Portuguese graduate student in communication who lives in Lisbon with his divorced mother and his beautiful girlfriend, Sofia. For the past year, Daniel and Sofia have been in a triad with another young woman, and Daniel is also exploring a new relationship. Daniel was raised in the Portugal countryside in a very conservative family of Jehovah’s Witnesses. He describes himself as a “miniature adult” with few friends his own age. His parents divorced while he was in grade school, and he moved to a rough urban neighborhood with his mother. He seems relieved to have escaped the religious atmosphere, but as a short, chubby bookworm, he was frequently bullied. Partly as a result of his direct experience of the dark side of masculinity and being surrounded by women while growing up, he’s gravitated both toward feminist theory and toward women for his social needs. He has very few male friends.

  “It bothers me that I have been granted such power and benefits just for being male. I dislike the fact that my sex is equivalent to a whole history of submission and aggression,” he explains. “Male friendship usually has an aggressive edge, with which I’m not comfortable and a lack of any psychological and emotional intimacy—not to mention any nonaggressive physical contact—which definitely doesn’t suit me. So I tend to form more meaningful bonds with people of the opposite sex.”

  Daniel says that his childhood experiences of discrimination, along with a strong sense of fairness and social justice, have led him to take a stand for what he believes in. He’s appeared on Portuguese television and given interviews to the press as well as being active in the local polyamorous community. “Discrimination is based on false perceptions, and the deconstruction of any form of discrimination is the deconstruction of all forms of discrimination. And one of the most insidious forms of discrimination and imbalance is gender based,” Daniel informed me. “I don’t think I’d be happy in a relationship with someone that wasn’t my equal. It would seem oppressive to me, and it would teach me nothing.”

  As usual, I’m awed by the way this generation is able to go straight to the heart of the matter, but Daniel is less sanguine. “As for my generation, I wish I could be so optimistic. Yes, things are changing. Yes, gender imbalances are starting to fade. But not as quickly or as deeply as I’d like. And there are lots of contradictory behaviors. Sexual experimentation goes hand in hand with polyphobia and mononormative and possessive relationships. Romantic love seems like the Holy Grail of serial monogamy, elevated to the notion of a state of pure nirvana but always out of reach, always elusive. There’s a frenzied hunt for the perfect relationship. I fear a society where an educated twenty-year-old woman can say, without the hint of a doubt, that it is impossible to love more than one person at the same time while she herself has behaviors that society would deem promiscuous and sinful. Then again, I’ve seen lots of people gladly accepting such things quite nicely. So, no, I don’t actually think my generation will make such a difference, not in the short run at least. We need to be disillusioned first, beyond hope, before we are willing to think outside the box.”

  PERSONALITY TRAITS AND POLYAMORY

  Polyamory can be a complex and demanding lovestyle. I often tell people that it requires a higher level of self-awareness and interpersonal skills than monogamy. Research on the personality traits shared by most polyamorous people has yet to be conducted, but many observers have noticed that certain characteristics are common among those choosing polyamory. Many of these traits are apparent in all the personalities profiled in this chapter.

  A Talent for Intimate Relating

  Perhaps the most basic trait found among those attracted to and successful in polyamorous relationships is that they have a talent for intimate relationships. Some people have a gift for music, and others are natural athletes. If you have a gift for connecting with others, for giving and receiving affection, and if you’re empathic and compassionate and enjoy sharing life’s pleasures and sorrows with a group of people, then you have a talent for relating intimately. Without this talent, it can be a struggle to handle even one meaningful relationship. People who have a gift for relating find that they have the capacity for opening their hearts to many and greatly enjoy becoming involved in other people’s lives. This talent sometimes leads people into one of the helping professions—nursing, psychotherapy, teaching, or social work. Such people make good managers, community organizers, parents, and sometimes politicians.

  High Self-Esteem

  Any intimate relationship is difficult without a sense of self-worth, which is not dependent on validation from someone else. Relying on a partner to make you feel desirable, special, or lovable inevitably leads to wanting to control and possess this source of positive regard. A partner’s attraction to someone else, whether or not it’s acted on, will be perceived as a threat if you need constant reassurance that you’re okay. It takes plenty of self-confidence to be willing to share your lovers with others, secure in the knowledge that you won’t be found lacking in some essential quality. High self-esteem makes it possible to face the unknown without excessive fears. It transforms problems into challenges that can be met with courage, persistence, and creativity. Even though the security, predictability, and control that monogamy seems to offer often turns out to be an illusion, polyamory tends to put people in the fire of uncertainty on a regular basis. People who’ve developed a confident awareness that they’re capable of riding out whatever life brings their way are more open to surrendering to the flow of love.

  Ability to Multitask

  Some people function best doing one thing at a time with no distractions. Others find it easy to track several different processes at once by shifting back and forth as needed. Such people often prefer the variety and stimulation of having a broader focus. People who can juggle tasks, projects, and quickly changing priorities usually have the ability to juggle several intimate relationships as well without dropping the ball.

  A Love for Intensity

  Polyamory often means more activity, more interaction, more energy, more interests, more change, more obligations, more communication, more coordination, more time, more everything. Long-term monogamous couples may find that in between developmental crises and periods of rapid growth, there are long uneventful stretches, but with more people involved something is bound to be happening with someone most of the time. People who practice a style of polyamory that involves more than two people spending time together, whether in or out of bed, find that the combined presence of an intimate, no-barriers group of people creates a definite intensity of its own.

  Appreciation for Diversity

  Every group or family needs to come to terms with differences among its members. People who need everyone in their intimate circle to be exactly like them in order to feel comfortable are going to experience greater and greater levels of frustration in this endeavor the more partners they have. While relationships work best when partners share common values, part of the joy of polyamory is rec
ognizing and supporting each person’s unique qualities.

  Communication Skills

  Communication skills can make or break any intimate relationship, and they are not limited to the ability to use words well (although that helps). Awareness of nonverbal cues and body language is just as important in navigating the complexities of out-of-the-box relationships as the ability to express desires, needs, resentments, appreciation, and hurt feelings and to effectively negotiate win–win solutions to conflicts.

  An Independent Streak

  People who have good boundaries and value their autonomy are often unwilling to allow a partner to take over control of their hearts or their genitals. They usually prefer relationships that acknowledge their right to feel attraction to others, although they may be willing to negotiate on how these attractions will be dealt with if they also have a team spirit.

  Team Spirit

  While most people attracted to polyamory value their autonomy, independence alone makes it difficult to cooperate with others over time. When independence is combined with a team spirit, it sets the stage for a win–win style, which can create a powerful synergy with others. Poly-amorous people tend to recognize that working for the good of the whole group will benefit them more in the long run than an exclusive focus on their own personal agendas.

  Commitment to Growth

  Polyamory is an inherently demanding lovestyle, and as long as most people continue to be socialized for monogamy, it will continue to be even more challenging. Relating intimately to more than one person at a time provides more mirroring and less opportunity to blame “the other” for your own dysfunctional programming. For people who want to use their relationships as opportunities for learning and healing, polyamory presents a valuable way of accelerating growth. Although some people see polyamory as an escape from intimacy, in a committed polyamorous relationship it’s much harder to “hide.”

  Sex Positive

  While some people are attracted to polyamory because they have a high sex drive, they’re looking for a solution to a mismatch in desire levels or sexual orientation, or they’re simply hoping to “spice up” an existing long-term relationship, polyamory is about more than “just” sex. On the other hand, people who are uncomfortable with their own or other people’s sexuality usually don’t want the kind of exposure to additional partners that polyamory inevitably brings with it, even if the actual sexual encounters are always one-on-one and take place at a safe distance.

  Flexible, Creative, Spontaneous

  Polyamory makes it much more difficult to maintain an illusion of predictability and control. As anyone who has children knows, chaos better describes the complexities of multiple, interacting individuals. Those who enjoy the spontaneity of not knowing exactly what’s going to happen next and who like finding creative solutions to unanticipated developments are more likely to choose polyamory than those who have a strong need for control. Flexibility makes it possible for a group to share power through situational leadership and maximize the potential for synergy, which is much less in a dyad than a larger group.

  High Intelligence

  I certainly wouldn’t characterize all polyamorous people as geniuses or monogamous people as being unintelligent, but numerous observers have commented that polyamorous people tend to be far above the norms on many dimensions of intelligence, including but not limited to emotional intelligence. Perhaps those who are more inclined to think for themselves and are better able to assess each situation on its own merits are more likely to end up polyamorous, or perhaps one needs the extra capacity to handle all the complexities polyamory can present. Whatever the explanation, there’s a strong correlation.

  Accountability

  Every relationship works better when people can be counted on to do what they say they’re going to do and take responsibility for cleaning up any messes that result from occasional lapses. In polyamorous relationships, one person’s lack of responsibility impacts many others. It is the lack of self-responsibility and accountability among many of the free-spirited but immature and unprepared early adopters of polyamory that led to its reputation as an “unworkable” lifestyle. As more mainstream people who have learned the importance of accountability and self-awareness in the business arena or in rigorous spiritual training discover polyamory, I predict that they will have greater success than has been seen in the past.

  THE ALPHA PROBLEM

  Every relationship journey involves finding a way to resolve what is commonly known as the power struggle. When I work with couples or other groups, one of the first questions I ask is, “Who’s the boss in this relationship?” Of all the thousands of clients who have sought my help in getting through their relationship challenges, there has never been one who didn’t know who had the last word, although some are hesitant to be so direct. It’s extremely rare for partners to have different perceptions in this area as well. They may report that it’s changed over time, that each is in charge of different domains, or that this is a constant source of conflict, but they always know the score. In old-paradigm relationships, complementary pairings of one dominant and one submissive individual or, in the case of polyandry or polygyny, a spouse who is submissive to the patriarch or matriarch but dominant over the cowives or cohusbands is the rule.

  Sexual intimacy thrives on polarity, and when the sexual interaction goes deep enough, it involves a reversal of this polarity. That is, the active becomes receptive, and the receptive becomes active, harmonizing the divergent energies each partner brings. This takes place regardless of the genders of the partners or their sexual orientation. In a triad or larger grouping where two same-gender partners are primarily heterosexual, the energetic exchange is rarely full enough to reconcile the power struggle. One strong alpha leader, whether male or female, can sometimes exert enough control to keep all the others in line, but two alphas in one family often spells pandemonium, and, in fact, this configuration rarely even occurs. On the other hand, two or more submissive types can sometimes “gang up” on an alpha and tilt the power balance, sometimes driving the alpha out of the group only to find that the group falls apart without the strong leadership of the alpha.

  Two or more alphas can harmoniously coexist only when one or both are essentially beyond being ruled by unconscious or semiconscious egoic drives. In fact, all relationships work much better when the personalities or egos take a back seat to something higher. For humanist agnostics or atheists, this “something higher” can be the good of the whole or a set of values or a respected leader. For those spiritually or religiously inclined, it can be the Divine, truth, the higher self, Atman, existence, the guru in human form, or whatever metaphor is preferred. In a couple whose dominant and submissive poles are complementary or in a group with one dominant personality and several submissive types, transcending the ego is not critical for stable and harmonious relationships. In the new paradigm of polyamory, where the intention is to bring forth and honor the inner wisdom of each person, chaos and conflict will reign if what is brought forth are egoic demands for control masquerading as truth and love.

  THE CHALLENGE OF JEALOUSY

  Jealousy is not unique to polyamory, nor is it the only emotional challenge encountered in polyamorous relating, but it is certainly the number one difficulty for most people who venture beyond monogamy. The mere thought of jealousy is enough to motivate some people to exchange vows of lifelong sexual fidelity, while others do exactly the opposite and seek jealousy insurance by making sure that they always have a spare lover in the wings. In the end, the only way out of jealousy is through it, and polyamory certainly offers abundant opportunities to make this journey. As popular author Thomas Moore put it, “We may have to let jealousy have its way with us and do its job of reorienting fundamental values. Its pain comes, at least in part, from opening up to unexplored territory and letting go of old familiar truths in the face of unknown and threatening possibilities.”1 Moore was not specifically referring to polyamory or even sexual jealou
sy, which is known to be particularly intense and powerful, but his remarks are right on target.

  While the somatic experience of jealousy is remarkably consistent no matter what the context, there is one obvious difference between jealousy in monogamous relationships and jealousy in polyamorous ones. In a monogamous relationship, where choice of a mate is clearly an either/or proposition, jealousy may be a reasonable strategy to keep others away from your partner or to discourage your partner from pursuing others. If your partner falls for someone else, it’s a realistic threat to your continued marital bliss. In polyamory, other lovers are not necessarily a danger, although, as we shall see, they can be. When partners agree that including others would enhance their lives, unyielding jealousy and possessiveness can become obstacles to their ongoing happiness rather than functioning to protect a dyadic bond.

  Despite its pervasiveness in human experience as reflected in literature and film, jealousy has been one of the least studied of all human emotions. It doesn’t even appear in the index of Daniel Goleman’s groundbreaking book on emotional literacy Emotional Intelligence.2 Let’s begin by exploring the nature of jealousy before moving on to consider where it comes from, what messages it brings us, and how it can best be managed.