The Man Who Would Be King: Selected Stories of Rudyard Kipling

by Rudyard Kipling

  ‘You little devils are more trouble than the rest of the Regiment put together,’ said the Colonel angrily. ‘One might as well admonish thistledown, and I can’t well put you in cells or under stoppages. You must be birched again.’

  ‘Beg y’ pardon, sir. Can’t we say nothin’ in our own defence, sir?’ shrilled Jakin.

  ‘Hey! What? Are you going to argue with me?’ said the Colonel.

  ‘No, sir,’ said Lew. ‘But if a man come to you, sir, and said he was going to report you, sir, for ’avin’ a bit of a turn-up with a friend, sir, an’ wanted to get money out o’ you, sir –’

  The Orderly-Room exploded in a roar of laughter. ‘Well?’ said the Colonel.

  ‘That was what that measly jarnwar9 there did, sir, and ’e’d’a’ done it, sir, if we ’adn’t prevented ’im. We didn’t ’it ’im much, sir. ’E’adn’t no manner o’ right to interfere with us, sir. I don’t mind bein’ birched by the Drum-Major, sir, nor yet reported by any Corp’ral, but I’m – but I don’t think it’s fair, sir, for a civilian to come an’ talk over a man in the Army.’

  A second shout of laughter shook the Orderly-Room, but the Colonel was grave.

  ‘What sort of characters have these boys?’ he asked of the Regimental Sergeant-Major.

  ‘Accordin’ to the Bandmaster, sir,’ returned that revered official – the only soul in the Regiment whom the boys feared – ‘they do everything but lie, sir.’

  ‘Is it like we’d go for that man for fun, sir?’ said Lew, pointing to the plaintiff.

  ‘Oh, admonished – admonished!’ said the Colonel testily, and when the boys had gone he read the Bazar-Sergeant’s son a lecture on the sin of unprofitable meddling, and gave orders that the Bandmaster should keep the Drums in better discipline.

  ‘If either of you comes to practice again with so much as a scratch on your two ugly little faces,’ thundered the Bandmaster, ‘I’ll tell the Drum-Major to take the skin off your backs. Understand that, you young devils.’

  Then he repented of his speech for just the length of time that Lew, looking like a seraph in red worsted embellishments, took the place of one of the trumpets – in hospital – and rendered the echo of a battle-piece. Lew certainly was a musician, and had often in his more exalted moments expressed a yearning to master every instrument of the Band.

  ‘There’s nothing to prevent your becoming a Bandmaster, Lew,’ said the Bandmaster, who had composed waltzes of his own, and worked day and night in the interests of the Band.

  ‘What did he say?’ demanded Jakin after practice.

  ‘Said I might be a bloomin’ Bandmaster, an’ be asked in to ’ave a glass o’ sherry-wine on Mess-nights.’

  ‘Ho! Said you might be a bloomin’ non-combatant, did ’e! That’s just about wot ’e would say. When I’ve put in my boy’s service – it’s a bloomin’ shame that doesn’t count for pension – I’ll take on as a privit. Then I’ll be a Lance10 in a year – knowin’ what I know about the ins an’ outs o’ things. In three years I’ll be a bloomin’ Sergeant. I won’t marry then, not me! I’ll ’old on and learn the orf’cers’ ways an’ apply for exchange into a reg’ment that doesn’t know all about me. Then I’ll be a bloomin’ orf’cer. Then I’ll ask you to ’ave a glass o’ sherry-wine, Mister Lew, an’ you’ll bloomin’ well ’ave to stay in the ante-room while the Mess-Sergeant brings it to your dirty ’ands.’

  ‘’S’pose I’m going to be a Bandmaster? Not me, quite. I’ll be a orf’cer too. There’s nothin’ like takin’ to a thing an’ stickin’ to it, the Schoolmaster says. The Reg’ment don’t go ’ome for another seven years. I’ll be a Lance then or near to.’

  Thus the boys discussed their futures, and conducted themselves piously for a week. That is to say, Lew started a flirtation with the Colour-Sergeant’s daughter, aged thirteen – ‘not,’ as he explained to Jakin, ‘with any intention o’ matrimony, but by way o’ keepin’ my ’and in.’ And the black-haired Cris Delighan enjoyed that flirtation more than previous ones, and the other drummer-boys raged furiously together, and Jakin preached sermons on the dangers of ‘bein’ tangled along o’ petticoats’.

  But neither love nor virtue would have held Lew long in the paths of propriety had not the rumour gone abroad that the Regiment was to be sent on active service, to take part in a war which, for the sake of brevity, we will call ‘The War of the Lost Tribes’.11

  The barracks had the rumour almost before the Messroom, and of all the nine hundred men in barracks not ten had seen a shot fired in anger. The Colonel had, twenty years ago, assisted at a Frontier expedition; one of the Majors had seen service at the Cape;12 a confirmed deserter in E Company had helped to clear streets in Ireland; but that was all. The Regiment had been put by for many years. The overwhelming mass of its rank and file had from three to four years’ service; the non-commissioned officers were under thirty years old; and men and sergeants alike had forgotten to speak of the stories written in brief upon the Colours13 – the New Colours that had been formally blessed by an Archbishop in England ere the Regiment came away.

  They wanted to go to the Front – they were enthusiastically anxious to go – but they had no knowledge of what war meant, and there was none to tell them. They were an educated Regiment, the percentage of school-certificates in their ranks was high, and most of the men could do more than read and write. They had been recruited in loyal observance of the territorial idea; but they themselves had no notion of that idea. They were made up of drafts from an over-populated manufacturing district. The system had put flesh and muscle upon their small bones, but it could not put heart into the sons of those who for generations had done over-much work for over-scanty pay, had sweated in drying-rooms, stooped over looms, coughed among white lead, and shivered on lime-barges. The men had found food and rest in the Army, and now they were going to fight ‘niggers’ – people who ran away if you shook a stick at them. Wherefore they cheered lustily when the rumour ran, and the shrewd, clerkly non-commissioned officers speculated on the chances of batta14 and of saving their pay. At Headquarters men said: ‘The Fore and Fit have never been under fire within the last generation. Let us, therefore, break them in easily by setting them to guard lines of communication.’ And this would have been done but for the fact that British Regiments were wanted – badly wanted – at the Front, and there were doubtful Native Regiments that could fill the minor duties. ‘Brigade ’em with two strong Regiments,’ said Headquarters. ‘They may be knocked about a bit, but they’ll learn their business before they come through. Nothing like a night-alarm and a little cutting-up of stragglers to make a Regiment smart in the field. Wait till they’ve had half-a-dozen sentries’ throats cut.’

  The Colonel wrote with delight that the temper of his men was excellent, that the Regiment was all that could be wished, and as sound as a bell. The Majors smiled with a sober joy, and the subalterns waltzed in pairs down the Messroom after dinner, and nearly shot themselves at revolver-practice. But there was consternation in the hearts of Jakin and Lew. What was to be done with the Drums? Would the Band go to the Front? How many of the Drums would accompany the Regiment?

  They took counsel together, sitting in a tree and smoking.

  ‘It’s more than a bloomin’ toss-up they’ll leave us be’ind at the Depôt with the women. You’ll like that,’ said Jakin sarcastically.

  ‘’Cause o’ Cris, y’ mean? Wot’s a woman, or a ’ole bloomin’ Depôt o’ women, ’longside o’ the chanst of field-service? You know I’m as keen on goin’ as you,’ said Lew.

  ‘Wish I was a bloomin’ bugler,’ said Jakin sadly. ‘They’ll take Tom Kidd along, that I can plaster a wall with, an’ like as not they won’t take us.’

  ‘Then let’s go an’ make Tom Kidd so bloomin’ sick ’e can’t bugle no more. You ’old ’is ’ands an’ I’ll kick him,’ said Lew, wriggling on the branch.

  ‘That ain’t no good neither. We ain’t the sort o’ characters to presoom on our rep’tations – they�
��re bad. If they leave the Band at the Depôt we don’t go, and no error there. If they take the Band we may get cast for medical unfitness. Are you medical fit, Piggy?’ said Jakin, digging Lew in the ribs with force.

  ‘Yus,’ said Lew with an oath. ‘The Doctor says your ’eart’s weak through smokin’ on an empty stummick. Throw a chest an’ I’ll try yer.’

  Jakin threw out his chest, which Lew smote with all his might. Jakin turned very pale, gasped, crowed, screwed up his eyes, and said: ‘That’s all right.’

  ‘You’ll do,’ said Lew. ‘I’ve ’eard o’ men dyin’ when you ’it ’em fair on the breastbone.’

  ‘Don’t bring us no nearer goin’, though,’ said Jakin. ‘Do you know where we’re ordered?’

  ‘Gawd knows, an’ ’E won’t split on a pal. Somewheres up to the Front to kill Paythans – hairy big beggars that turn you inside out if they get ’old o’ you. They say their women are good-lookin’, too.’

  ‘Any loot?’ asked the abandoned Jakin.

  ‘Not a bloomin’ anna, they say, unless you dig up the ground an’ see what the niggers ’ave ’id. They’re a poor lot.’ Jakin stood upright on the branch and gazed across the plain.

  ‘Lew,’ said he, ‘there’s the Colonel comin’. Colonel’s a good old beggar. Let’s go an’ talk to ’im.’

  Lew nearly fell out of the tree at the audacity of the suggestion. Like Jakin he feared not God, neither regarded he Man, but there are limits even to the audacity of drummer-boy, and to speak to a Colonel was –

  But Jakin had slid down the trunk and doubled in the direction of the Colonel. That officer was walking wrapped in thought and visions of a CB – yes, even a KCB,15 for had he not at command one of the best Regiments of the Line – the Fore and Fit? And he was aware of two small boys charging down upon him. Once before it had been solemnly reported to him that ‘the Drums were in a state of mutiny’, Jakin and Lew being the ringleaders. This looked like an organised conspiracy.

  The boys halted at twenty yards, walked to the regulation four paces, and saluted together, each as well-set-up as a ramrod and little taller.

  The Colonel was in a genial mood; the boys appeared very forlorn and unprotected on the desolate plain, and one of them was handsome.

  ‘Well?’ said the Colonel, recognising them. ‘Are you going to pull me down in the open? I’m sure I never interfere with you, even though’ – he sniffed suspiciously – ‘you have been smoking.’

  It was time to strike while the iron was hot. Their hearts beat tumultuously.

  ‘Beg y’ pardon, sir,’ began Jakin. ‘The Reg’ment’s ordered on active service, sir?’

  ‘So I believe,’ said the Colonel courteously.

  ‘Is the Band goin’, sir?’ said both together. Then, without pause, ‘We’re goin’, sir, ain’t we?’

  ‘You!’ said the Colonel, stepping back the more fully to take in the two small figures. ‘You! You’d die in the first march.’

  ‘No, we wouldn’t, sir. We can march with the Reg’ment anywheres – p’rade an’ anywhere else,’ said Jakin.

  ‘If Tom Kidd goes ’e’ll shut up like a clasp-knife,’ said Lew. ‘Tom ’as very-close veins in both ’is legs, sir.’

  ‘Very how much?’

  ‘Very-close veins, sir. That’s why they swells after long p’rade, sir. If ’e can go, we can go, sir.’

  Again the Colonel looked at them long and intently.

  ‘Yes, the Band is going,’ he said as gravely as though he had been addressing a brother officer. ‘Have you any parents, either of you two?’

  ‘No, sir,’ rejoicingly from Lew and Jakin. ‘We’re both orphans, sir. There’s no one to be considered of on our account, sir.’

  ‘You poor little sprats, and you want to go up to the Front with the Regiment, do you? Why?’

  ‘I’ve wore the Queen’s uniform for two years,’ said Jakin. ‘It’s very ’ard, sir, that a man don’t get no recompense for doin’ of ’is dooty, sir.’

  ‘An’ – an’ if I don’t go, sir,’ interrupted Lew, ‘the Bandmaster ’e says ’e’ll catch an’ make a bloo – a blessed musician o’ me, sir. Before I’ve seen any service, sir.’

  The Colonel made no answer for a long time. Then he said quietly: ‘If you’re passed by the Doctor I daresay you can go. I shouldn’t smoke if I were you.’

  The boys saluted and disappeared. The Colonel walked home and told the story to his wife, who nearly cried over it. The Colonel was well pleased. If that was the temper of the children, what would not the men do?

  Jakin and Lew entered the boys’ barrack-room with great stateliness, and refused to hold any conversation with their comrades for at least ten minutes. Then, bursting with pride, Jakin drawled: ‘I’ve bin intervooin’ the Colonel. Good old beggar is the Colonel. Says I to ’im, “Colonel,” says I, “let me go to the Front, along o’ the Reg’ment.” – “To the Front you shall go,” says ’e, “an’ I only wish there was more like you among the dirty little devils that bang the bloomin’ drums.” Kidd, if you throw your ’coutrements16 at me for tellin’ you the truth to your own advantage, your legs ’ll swell.’

  None the less there was a battle-royal in the barrack-room, for the boys were consumed with envy and hate, and neither Jakin nor Lew behaved in conciliatory wise.

  ‘I’m goin’ out to say adoo to my girl,’ said Lew, to cap the climax. ‘Don’t none o’ you touch my kit, because it’s wanted for active service; me bein’ specially invited to go by the Colonel.’

  He strolled forth and whistled in the clump of trees at the back of the Married Quarters till Cris came to him, and, the preliminary kisses being given and taken, Lew began to explain the situation.

  ‘I’m goin’ to the Front with the Reg’ment,’ he said valiantly.

  ‘Piggy, you’re a little liar,’ said Cris, but her heart misgave her, for Lew was not in the habit of lying.

  ‘Liar yourself, Cris,’ said Lew, slipping an arm round her. ‘I’m goin’. When the Reg’ment marches out you’ll see me with ’em, all galliant and gay. Give us another kiss, Cris, on the strength of it.’

  ‘If you’d on’y ’a’ stayed at the Depôt – where you ought to ha’ bin – you could get as many of ’em as – as you dam’ please,’ whimpered Cris, putting up her mouth.

  ‘It’s ’ard, Cris. I grant you it’s ’ard. But what’s a man to do? If I’d ’a’ stayed at the Depôt, you wouldn’t think anything of me.’

  ‘Like as not, but I’d ’ave you with me, Piggy. An’ all the thinkin’ in the world isn’t like kissin’.’

  ‘An’ all the kissin’ in the world isn’t like ’avin’ a medal to wear on the front o’ your coat.’

  ‘You won’t get no medal.’

  ‘Oh yus, I shall though. Me an’ Jakin are the only actin’-drummers that’ll be took along. All the rest is full men, an’ we’ll get our medals with them.’

  ‘They might ha’ taken anybody but you, Piggy. You’ll get killed – you’re so venturesome. Stay with me, Piggy, darlin’, down at the Depôt, an’ I’ll love you true, for ever.’

  ‘Ain’t you goin’ to do that now, Cris? You said you was.’

  ‘O’ course I am, but t’ other’s more comfortable. Wait till you’ve growed a bit, Piggy. You aren’t no taller than me now.’

  ‘I’ve bin in the Army for two years an’ I’m not goin’ to get out of a chanst o’ seein’ service, an’ don’t you try to make me do so. I’ll come back, Cris, an’ when I take on as a man I’ll marry you – marry you when I’m a Lance.’

  ‘Promise, Piggy?’

  Lew reflected on the future as arranged by Jakin a short time previously, but Cris’s mouth was very near to his own.

  ‘I promise, s’elp me Gawd!’ said he.

  Cris slid an arm round his neck.

  ‘I won’t ’old you back no more, Piggy. Go away an’ get your medal, an’ I’ll make you a new button-bag as nice as I know how,’ she whispered.

  ‘Put some o’ your
’air into it, Cris, an’ I’ll keep it in my pocket so long’s I’m alive.’

  Then Cris wept anew, and the interview ended. Public feeling among the drummer-boys rose to fever pitch and the lives of Jakin and Lew became unenviable. Not only had they been permitted to enlist two years before the regulation boy’s age – fourteen – but, by virtue, it seemed, of their extreme youth, they were now allowed to go to the Front – which thing had not happened to acting-drummers within the knowledge of boy. The Band which was to accompany the Regiment had been cut down to the regulation twenty men, the surplus returning to the ranks. Jakin and Lew were attached to the Band as supernumeraries, though they would much have preferred being Company buglers.

  ‘Don’t matter much,’ said Jakin, after the medical inspection. ‘Be thankful that we’re ’lowed to go at all. The Doctor ’e said that if we could stand what we took from the Bazar-Sergeant’s son we’d stand pretty nigh anything.’

  ‘Which we will,’ said Lew, looking tenderly at the ragged and ill-made housewife17 that Cris had given him, with a lock of her hair worked into a sprawling ‘L’ upon the cover.

  ‘It was the best I could,’ she sobbed. ‘I wouldn’t let mother nor the Sergeants’ tailor ’elp me. Keep it always, Piggy, an’ remember I love you true.’

  They marched to the railway station, nine hundred and sixty strong, and every soul in cantonments turned out to see them go. The drummers gnashed their teeth at Jakin and Lew marching with the Band, the married women wept upon the platform, and the Regiment cheered its noble self black in the face.

  ‘A nice level lot,’ said the Colonel to the Second-in-Command as they watched the first four companies entraining.

  ‘Fit to do anything,’ said the Second-in-Command enthusiastically. ‘But it seems to me they’re a thought too young and tender for the work in hand. It’s bitter cold up at the Front now.’

  ‘They’re sound enough,’ said the Colonel. ‘We must take our chance of sick casualties.’

  So they went northward, ever northward, past droves and droves of camels, armies of camp-followers, and legions of laden mules, the throng thickening day by day, till with a shriek the train pulled up at a hopelessly congested junction where six lines of temporary track accommodated six forty-wagon trains; where whistles blew, Babus sweated, and Commissariat18 officers swore from dawn till far into the night amid the wind-driven chaff of the fodder-bales and the lowing of a thousand steers.19